There are 8 1/2 weeks of summer left...

[paintingmywings]

and I'm already just sitting here wishing it was over and I could go back to school to be with my friends. I'm living at home and have no feelings for anyone here. But, at the same time I feel that if I leave I'm just running away from my fears. I set this summer aside to get things back on track with Tim but it was too late. We broke up and now there is absolutely no reason for me to be here. I'm scared to leave though. So I just sit all day in my misery, not wanting to work because I know I'll just get more withdrawn but not wanting to just sit around by myself because all the alone time is driving me up the wall. ANd I have to stay here because I have so many doctor's appointments I have to go to, and I have to be here to go to. But there is nothing to do in between. My friends aren't in Berkshire County anymore. I don't feel connected to them, I don't trust them enough to talk about the things going on in my life, I'm not inspired to hang out with them. And I'm sick of never being called back. ANd I know that none of them read this and so this isnt going to solve anything, but I need to write about it somewhere. Everyone says, come live with me! I'll make you happy. But, that's not the thing. I went to Wisonsin with my best friend and couldn't persuade my problems to leave me alone for a week. I shouldn't dwell on them, I'm just drawing bad energy to me by dwelling on the bad things, but it's hard to be optimistic when no one ever calls you back or calls you to hang out in the first place. It doesn't exactly make you feel wanted. I could go to Boston, but I feel like I"m imposing, and Joanna won't be there and she's preoccupied with a new boy anyway. And I know I have other friends, but I still feel weird about going and living in Sudbury again. I"m in a place where I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. What I want in an ideal situation is impossible. I want Tim and I know I can't have him. I'm having a hell of a time trying to separate my mind from being with him. I was a jerk in our relationship. I knew he didn't want to be with me forever, but I wanted to convince him to. And I know that some people think we were mismatched, but I don't care what other people think. I love him. And I knwo I need to not love him. I need to move on. But I"m having a really hard time. I spent so much energy on that relationship and I still scared him away. I understand it all intellectually but I can't feel it. I just feel alone. No friends in BErkshire, no Tim, no nothing. I don't want to wait 8 1/2 weeks to be back at school with the people who I feel closest to. I want someone who will listen to me freak out about all of this and know what to do. I feel invisible again. That scares me. And I always have the same thoughts running through my head, and I write them down over and over again and get nowhere.

I need a hug. A real one.