Simple Remedy part 1/3
Part 1
Jensen sat in his car outside a small building. He stared at the brass plate beside the door that indicated that the place he was supposed to show up in three minutes was on the second floor. He wanted nothing more than to slam his foot on the gas and drive off. But then the thought of the look on Danneel's face the night before came to his mind and that alone was enough to keep him in the parking lot.
She had told him the night before that she really didn't know anymore if Jensen even wanted to keep trying. She looked so tired and sad that Jensen hadn't even wanted to start their usual fight about how he felt that she didn't want to work on their marriage either. Instead he had tried to reassure her that they could still make everything work. She had smiled then, not a happy smile, but enough that Jensen had managed to feel a bit better about the whole thing. Later on that evening she had handed him a shiny silver business card and told him she had arranged an appointment for him. ”Go for me Jensen, just this once,” She had pleaded before they had gone to bed.
Taking a deep breath, Jensen finally turned the key and killed the engine. He got out of the car and walked across the sunny parking lot to the front door. The hallway was quiet despite the fact it was midday and there were several small offices on the first floor. The second floor had three doors. On his left he saw an artful sign for massage therapy and by the corner a law firm. His destination wasn't either of those and he braced himself as he turned to the right and faced the heavy wooden door for J.Padalecki - Personal and Couple Therapy.
Jensen pulled the door open anticipating a stuffy room with a couch. Instead there was a small but airy lobby with a pretty girl sitting behind a desk. Jensen took a few steps forward and she turned to him.
”Did you have an appointment?” She asked sweetly.
Jensen dug his hand into his pockets and nodded. ”At 12:15.”
”Name?” She asked as she typed something in the computer.
”Ackles,” Jensen answered, wondering if it would be possible for the floor just open and swallow him whole.
”Mr.Padalecki will be right with you,” The girl told him and pressed an intercom button. ”Your next patient is here,” she said into it.
After just a short uncomfortable moment a tall man walked in the room. He smiled to Jensen and turned to the girl.
”Katie, do you think you can come a little earlier tomorrow? I'd like to go over those appointment changes before first patient,” The guy, Padalecki apparently, asked her.
”Yes. At 8:30?”
”That would be great,” Padalecki said, then turned to Jensen. ”Mr. Ackles?”
”Hi,” Jensen said unsurely.
”I'm Jared Padalecki. Welcome,” Padalecki said holding out his hand.
”Jensen Ackles,” Jensen said taking the offered hand.
Padalecki's handshake was just as firm as the muscles in his forearm suggested and Jensen almost winced as strong fingers wrapped around his hand. Padalecki's whole appearance made Jensen think that he didn't look a bit like some therapist. He had wide shoulders and ever wider smile, and he probably wouldn't have looked out of the place in some billboard ad. He was also very casually dressed in a button down and jeans and he made Jensen feel overdressed in his neatly pressed black trousers.
”This way,” Padalecki said, leading Jensen into the next room, which was apparently his office. Jensen saw another door just inside the office that actually had a small sign on the door that read ”Therapy Room” with colored light buttons on the side to let them know it was free.
Padalecki motioned Jensen to sit on the comfy looking chair by the window as he proceeded to sit in the chair opposite that one. He didn't have a notepad or a pen like Jensen had expected and the whole thing was a bit too surreal.
”I usually like to start by having a few sessions here and after that move to some exercises in the therapy room,” Padalecki explained. ”For this first session we'll look into what your expectations are for this therapy and what you want to achieve.”
Jensen nodded slowly.
”I know already that you didn't book this time for yourself,” Padalecki said leaning casually back in his chair. ”Do you feel like you have been pressured to meet a therapist?”
”No,” Jensen said. ”Well, sort of. Apparently it was this or divorce.”
”Do you have any notion as to why your wife wanted you to meet me today?” Padalecki asked.
”Mr. Padalecki...” Jensen begun.
”Please, call me Jared if it makes you more comfortable,” Padalecki said quickly.
”Jared,” Jensen repeated the name and half expected it to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. ”Isn't the reason I'm coming to you that I don't know what the problem is and have no idea how to fix it?”
Jared just watched him quietly for a moment before continuing. ”Is there anything you feel could be the main issue?”
”I don't know. We just don't see eye to eye lately. And it's been hard fitting our schedules together,” Jensen sighed.
”Do you feel like you have to schedule intimate time with your partner?” Jared spoke softly and Jensen clenched his fists.
”What does that have to do with anything? I don't think intimacy is the main issue here,” Jensen huffed.
”As a sex therapist...” Jared began.
Jensen jumped up. ”As what?”
”Sex therapist,” Jared said. ”I help people to overcome the problems and issues they have with sex and sexuality.”
”That fucking bitch,” Jensen moaned and fell back in the chair, running his fingers through his short hair. He felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment, how had Danneel had nerve to do this to him. ”She didn't tell me. And you... It just reads therapist on the door. How I was supposed to know?”
Jared smiled sympathetically. ”I didn't want to put it on the sign. I felt like I should be more discreet than that, since many people may feel embarrassed by the fact they see me. I advertise with my full title but didn't feel like it should be on the door.”
”Jesus,” Jensen leaned back in the chair. If he had known this, he would have turned around in the parking lot and never set a foot inside. This was even more humiliating than he had expected it to be, and he barely said a word yet. And God, what had Danneel told him when she had made the appointment?
”We can stop here if you're not comfortable. Or just talk for a while,” Jared said. ”Every single one of my patients is here of their own free will, and I'm not going to pressure you to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable telling me.”
”Maybe I should go,” Jensen glanced at the door. His mind was running overtime around the biggest issue he and Danneel had on the area of Jared's expertise and there was no way he wanted to admit that to a total stranger.
”I should remind you that what is said here, stays here,” Jared said. ”I write down some notes about each session to stay on the map where we are and what we have covered, but if you want to say something fully off the record I won't put it in writing.”
Jensen closed his eyes and thought about what Jared had said. He wondered what it would be to say it aloud and felt like he could really faint if he did. But this could be his best chance in getting help if he could admit that he needed some. He was going to kill Danneel when he got home! What the hell was she thinking when she scheduled him an appointment with a fucking sex expert!
”Would you want to just tell me about yourself a bit?” Jared asked and he sounded so fucking nice it was killing Jensen since he wanted to absolutely hate this guy.
”Like what?” Jensen couldn't keep the defensive tone out of his voice.
”Like how long you've been married? What you do for living?”
”4 years. Own an accounting company.”
”All about short answers today?” Jared said. ”I know that feeling.”
I bet you don't, Jensen thought.
Jared just smiled and continued, ”What's your family like? Do they live near?”
Jensen shrugged. ”Normal I guess. They all live in Texas so I don't see them so often. Mainly during holidays since with my own business, I can't get too much free time during the year.”
”Texas?” Jared's eyebrow rose and Jensen found himself even smiling a bit as Jared seemed really genuinely interested. ”You don't have much of an accent. How long have you lived here?”
”You'd be surprised how many people look down on you if you sound like a country boy. And in my business, I really can't let them think I'm some hick whose math skills come from counting one cow, two cows, many cows.”
”Not really.” Jared's smile went from easy and open to wicked. ”Been there done that, I guess.”
Jensen's mouth dropped open as Jared let his words drag longer. ”You too?”
”Yep.”
Despite the akward start, and after finding that he had something in common with Jared, Jensen could feel himself falling into an almost comfortable pattern of answering Jared's simple questions about his family and life, even if his answers were still mostly short and superficial. By the end of the session Jensen was surprised how easily he had relaxed and how he was feeling more and more comfortable.
When the hour was finally up and Jensen was already by the door ready to get the hell out of there, a horrific thought hit him. At that very moment he knew that if he walked out that door, he didn't think he would ever come back and he would never get to voice the most embarrassing of his problems. And he was slowly coming to the realization that maybe Jared could actually help.
And it was that reason that compelled him to turn around and say ”Icannotstayhard,” in such a rush it could barely be recognisable as actual words. It felt so dizzying his head swam and his heart pounded like he had just run twenty miles. Jared was by his side in an instant, holding him up and pulling him back to the chairs. Jensen felt ridiculous as he sagged on to the chair with Jared by him just to hold him upright.
As Jared finally pulled back and Jensen's head seemed to stop swimming, Jensen felt so flushed and ashamed he couldn't look Jared in the face anymore. He was only 32 and he had just admitted being impotent. Life sucked so fucking majorly that he couldn't even come up with a bad enough word for it.
Jared closed a big hand over Jensen's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. ”I think you should keep seeing me.”
Jensen could only nod in agreement.
Even though Jensen started to see the importance of therapy after falling apart when he had been leaving, the thought of it still bothered him. He ran some errands trying not to think about everything that had happened in there so far, but it kept popping into his head every other moment.
”Like I'd need it,” Jensen muttered as he slammed the car door shut in the driveway. ”If someone needs it it's her.”
At first it had just felt so wrong, but as he walked to the front door of their house he could feel something new. Anger boiled inside him, dark and hot in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to go and just yell at Danneel for the whole therapy thing, wanted her to feel as awful and humiliated as he did, but he knew it wouldn't solve a thing. The only way he could make this better was to try and make things right. Maybe actually go through with counseling. That thought made Jensen shake his head. He didn't want it - didn't need it - he could get through this on his own.
I'll show her, Jensen thought. I'll show her that I can do it. It's just sex. It shouldn't feel like such a big deal. I can give her what she wants and then everything will be alright.
Jensen sat on the couch and took a deep breath in, holding it in for a moment before letting it slowly out. He could do it, he just needed to relax and it would be as easy as it had been in the beginning. He had just been working so hard and after that first time, he had been too afraid it'd happen again. That was it. There was nothing else, he told himself. He had all the tools to overcome this on his own, without telling anyone else anything more.
He heard steps from the stairs and turned to see Danneel coming down in a fluffy bathrobe. She looked as pretty as ever and Jensen tried to relax himself on just watching her, letting himself concentrate on all the things he loved about her.
”Come here,” he said and took her hand as she sat beside him on the couch. ”You should have told me the truth.”
Danneel looked away for a moment before turning to face him. She smiled hesitantly and laid a hand over his knee.
”Would you have gone if you knew?” She asked.
Jensen brought his hand up and ran his fingers through the soft strands of her hair. He could smell the flowery scent of her perfume and closed his eyes.
”No.”
”How was it?”
”I don't really want to talk about it,” Jensen said and brought his hand to her neck.
He pulled her gently in for a kiss and worked her bathrobe open just enough to slip his hand inside. He touched her side, feeling the softness of her skin. Her hands tugged his tie loose and he shrugged his suit jacket off his shoulders before pulling her on his lap. Danneel straddled him and he smiled against her lips as he felt her shift on his lap, rubbing deliciously over his cock. He could feel himself getting hard and felt victorious.
”Want to go upstairs?” he whispered.
He held her hand as he led her upstairs. In the bedroom, he let her strip off his shirt, then pull of his shoes and socks before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, letting them drop to the floor. They kissed again as they fell down on the bed and Jensen tugged her bathrobe off.
”You're so beautiful,” he said to her as he kissed down her neck, listening to the soft gasps she made as he found her nipple and slid his mouth over it while gently cupping her breast. She arched her back and he slid one arm under her pulling her to his chest. They rolled over and she pulled his boxers down dropping them on the floor. Jensen kissed her and pulled her close pressing open-mouthed kisses on her neck shoulders. His cock was hard against the silky skin of her bottom and he rocked his hips to get some friction before bringing his hand between her thighs and opening her with his fingers. She was warm and moist and he could imagine how good it would be to spread her open on the bed and push inside.
It's been so long, he thought and that seemed to be enough trigger. His heart beat quickened as she raised herself on her knees and moved to give him more space to touch her.
”Jensen,” Danneel breathed out as he thumbed her clit. ”Want you.”
He withdrew his fingers and held her still by her hips. He could hear blood rushing in his own veins and his heart hammered against his ribs. Suddenly it was hard to breath, like someone was holding his head under water, and the familiar fear set deep into his bones. He knew that if he could calm down now, he might be able to do it, but the feeling he had was slowly turning into panic and there was nothing he could do to stop it happening. He would just fail on it like he always did and she'd go and find someone else who could do it. That's how it was and always would be. He closed his eyes and tried to just concentrate on the moment, but it was becoming too hard to do anything about his panic. Danneel hadn't noticed yet and Jensen felt her lean down to kiss him.
He pushed her on her back and settled between her thighs pressing kisses on her breasts and stomach before going lower. He stroked his palms over her thighs and bent down to put his mouth on her. He could feel his cock - only half hard now - pressing against the sheets and he didn't know what do to. He knew that usually if he lost his erection too early, he wouldn't be getting hard again until he could fully relax and calm down, but that wasn't likely to happen with Danneel there, waiting for him to just get hard and be able to slide in her. And he knew that thinking about it made it worse but how he could not? He could taste how ready Danneel was for him and he was such a loser. He couldn't push the thoughts out of his head and prayed that Danneel wouldn't notice even if he knew that he wasn't going to be that lucky.
She made delicious little noises as he lapped on her and fucked her slowly with his fingers. He wanted to be able just to concentrate on her but his mind kept racing. His concentration kept moving to his pathetic dick, which pressed limply against the sheet. He felt Danneel's hands on his shoulders, trying to coax him up. He took her hand and stroked his thumb over her palm.
”Please, just let me,” Jensen choked out.
He could feel Danneel's nails digging into his shoulder, but at least she didn't tell him to stop. He closed his eyes as he brought her off with his tongue and fingers and held back tears that burned behind his eyelids.
After Danneel came Jensen couldn't get himself even to look at her. He just sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, quiet and miserable, and didn't look up when Danneel left the room quickly after that. He could hear the shower running and for a moment he wanted to go after her, but he knew it wouldn't change anything. He had stood behind that door so many times begging for her to just to talk to him and he just couldn't do it anymore. His thoughts wandered on that first time this had happened. They had sat together then, Danneel stroking gently on his back and reassuring that it happened to everyone. It had been tax season and he had been working long hours and had been exhausted. He had felt ashamed then, but now it was a hundred times worse. Maybe then it had just been that he was too tired, but now, the fear of not being able to perform properly had grown into something more dark and frightening, and he couldn't beat it on his own. He really needed help.
The second time Jensen met Jared they just talked sitting on the comfy chairs in Jared's office. This time Jensen had spent only a few minutes in his car trying to get enough courage to go inside.
”I'd recommend that you see your GP for a general health check if you haven't had one done lately. Even though it's something you don't want to do, I think you should bring the problem to their attention and see if there is a physical reason for it. There are a couple of simple things like high blood pressure or even magnesium deficiency can cause such problems,” Jared explained and Jensen just nodded. ”But even if they find a medical reason, I'd suggest that you continue with our sessions a couple times a week. Sometimes, what has started as a physical problem, can turn into a psychological one when it has been there for a awhile.”
”Yeah.”
Other than that Jared didn't really mention what Jensen had revealed the first time they had met and Jensen felt pretty good about Jared knowing it. At least he wouldn't have to go through the humiliation of saying it again.
”This time I thought that you could tell me about yourself. And maybe describe your relationship to your wife if you're comfortable enough to do it.”
”Okay.”
”You know there is a slight chance that you might need to use more than one word at time,” Jared smiled and made Jensen's mouth twitch a little.
”Are you comfortable if we start with how many partners you have had?” Jared asked. ”Or you can just tell me something in general about yourself first.”
”Like how many I've dated or how many I've had sex with?” Jensen asked.
”Either,” Jared told him, taking a more comfortable position in his chair. Jensen leaned back a bit too and wondered if Jared made a conscious decision to appear as relaxed as he could to get the patient that he was talking to to also relax. Like dealing with animals or small children.
”I had dated a few girls in high school, but there was only one that I went all the way with,” Jensen paused. ”Then I dated a couple people in college but I didn't date all of them long enough to do much. I was kinda painfully shy still in college and never went through a phase of casual sex or anything. And I met Danneel in my senior year so I've only been with her since.”
”And you've always been with girls?” Jared asked, sounding casual and relaxed.
Jensen stopped to look at him, but maybe this was something Jared had to ask. It wasn't like people had gay or bi written all over them. ”Yeah.”
”And that's your preference?”
”Yes,” Jensen bit his lip. ”Maybe in like my teenage years I wondered about guys too, but I think everyone does.”
”They do. And the ones that say they haven't wondered, usually like to deny it or have done it so briefly that they haven't even noticed. It's perfectly natural, especially for teenagers.”
Jared smiled brightly before continuing and Jensen had to smile back. The guy was just so easy to like and his good mood seemed to be infectious. Jensen thought maybe this was the reason Jared had gotten into counselling. Even though he hadn't been seeing Jared for very long, he could see how easy it was to relax in Jared's company. To Jensen’s surprise it felt like he could actually open up. It had to be something that was natural, since Jensen didn't think it could be taught.
”Were you comfortable advancing your relationship to sex when you thought that it was time?”
”You mean did I ever feel pressured into it or something?” Jensen waited for Jared to nod. ”No, I don't think so. With one of my college girlfriends we moved pretty fast but I think it was mostly because we had been friends for a while before, so I already knew her.”
”How would you describe your relationship with sex?”
That made Jensen laugh because it sounded too ridiculous. ”I used to think it was awesome but now, I don't know. I think we might have broken up and even if I try to buy all the flowers and candy in the world we're not going to get together anymore.”
”How did the change happen, gradually or suddenly?”
”I think that like all couples who've been together for a long time, we sort of seemed to lose that passion we had in the beginning, and then the little things that we wanted done differently started to be more of a problem. But the thing that's wrong with me, I think it happened fast. It felt like, one day I was able to do it, then next time I was too tired and couldn’t function. After that I was just really afraid it was going to happen again.”
”That's really common,” Jared noted in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone.
”Lately, I haven't really wanted to give it a try and she hasn't asked. But I don't even know if she wants to. And I feel like she's fully given up on me.”
”How's that?”
”She cheats,” Jensen looked away from Jared and toyed with his wedding ring, turning it round and round on his finger. ”But maybe it's something I've earned. I can't keep her satisfied and so she'll find someone who can.”
”Do you think that's fair?”
”Maybe.” Jensen picked on the invisible lint on his shirt sleeve.
”Many people wouldn't think so.”
”Well. They aren't me, are they?” Jensen felt suddenly angry and his answer had more bite into it than he intended.
”When did that first occur?” Jared asked passing Jensen's outburst like it hadn't happened at all.
”The cheating?” Jensen finally asked.
”Yes.”
”Year after we got together,” Jensen said. ”But then it seemed like some mistake that anyone could make, so I forgave her. The next time was after my problem started.”
”Does it anger you?”
”It used to. But I don't know. I feel like I've driven her into it and I don't have any say in the matter. My friend keeps telling me that I should walk out on her, but I just, I just don't know,” Jensen ended feeling stupid and lame.
It wasn't till their third session that Jared introduced Jensen into the more experimental therapy he had been trying out lately. When Jensen had arrived Jared had led him into his office and then into the therapy room attached to it.
”Most of the exercises I use have been used for years, but some are newer. There are a few exercises that renowned researchers in the field have gotten amazing results with, even if they're not yet widely used,” Jared had explained to Jensen at the end of the second therapy session. He had also presented Jensen with a release form to sign allowing Jared to use the newer exercises too.
”Everything I do is 100% percent safe. And if I see you're not comfortable with something, we can work around it. And at any point you feel uncomfortable with something, just let me know and we'll stop,” Jared had told Jensen.
”For the first session in the therapy room, I just want you to get comfortable with the surroundings as we do some general exercises,” Jared said before he opened the door. ”Most of the time the exercises are for couples to do on each other, but I have a few exercises I've found to be useful even if done alone. And further into therapy we can go through some exercises you could try to do at home with your wife.”
Jensen took in the large room with controversial feelings. There was a couch by the wall, a small desk and then, in the middle, a large bed.
Jared led Jensen to the couch and they sat there. Jensen felt more tense than he had been last time as he waited for Jared to start the usual routine with all the questions.
”I usually do things in a different order but I think you'll get better results if we start the exercise therapy now and try to find the reason for your issue on the way rather than talk until we know the main problem,” Jared explained.
”Okay...” Jensen didn't quite know what Jared meant, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to know either.
”Did you get a chance to see your physician?” Jared asked leaning casually back on the couch.
”Yeah,” Jensen said. ”Apparently I'm the perfect picture of health. And I got the results for blood work yesterday and that looked good too.”
”That's really good,” Jared said and set his hand over Jensen's arm as Jensen looked away. ”I know that you'd feel more relieved had they found a physical reason for your issue and given you something for it, but now that we know there's nothing wrong physically we can help you here.”
”I guess,” Jensen mumbled and pulled his arm from under Jared's hand. The touch was gentle in a way that Jensen hadn't had with anyone for a while. It made him slightly uncomfortable to feel the warmth of Jared's large palm over his bare forearm, but he couldn't pin point why. Maybe it was just because Jared wasn't really close to him nor had he any real reason to be touching Jensen.
”So today is about your erogenous points. I'll ask a few questions and then we'll do couple of exercises. First, what do you consider to be the most erogenous zones on your body?”
”Aside the obvious?” Jensen asked raising his eyebrows.
You tell me. What do you consider obvious?”
”Cock.”
”It isn't always just that simple,” Jared said. ”It's true that your penis is the place where you do have the most nerve-endings, but sometimes it's not the place that should be the main focus. Can you name any other places you feel are sensitive to touch in an erotic way?”
Jensen sighed. ”Nipples maybe, or my neck.”
”Which part of your neck? Could you show me?” Jared looked interested. He leaned forward and followed Jensen's fingers with intent.
Jensen traced his fingers along the side of his neck and then rested the pads of them against the point along his throat where he could feel the rapid thumbing of his quickened pulse. ”Here?”
”Good,” Jared said. ”Now we'll do something I like to call zone mapping. Trace the tips of your fingers on your skin and when you reach a point that is sensitive to touch give me a number from 1 to 5 according to how sensitive it is. One being just generally sensitive and five being really arousing. You can close your eyes for this if you'd like.”
”Do I like...” Jensen looked at Jared feeling confused. ”Undress or something?”
”No,” Jared said quicker than Jensen really thought necessary. ”We're just concentrating on your face for now to get the feel of the exercise”
Jensen brought his fingers to his cheeks and grimaced. ”This feels utterly stupid.”
Jared smiled. ”It can be weird at first. Try closing your eyes.”
Jensen closed his eyes and touched his cheekbones, moving up around his eyes and then to his hairline. ”One,” He said and then ran his fingers along his eyebrows. He tried to focus solely on the touch, but his concentration kept breaking up and he found himself listening to the sound of Jared's breathing. He touched his closed eyelids as softly as he could, ”two.” and then his nose. Jared's breathing was regular and soothing and he wanted to open his eyes to see how close the therapist was. He touched his lips gently and breathed out through his mouth. His lips felt dry and he had to moisten them with his tongue. ”Three,” He breathed out as the tip of his forefinger slid now easily across his wet lowerlip. He felt his body warm up and could sense how arousal set low in his belly.
”Four.”
Jensen felt himself almost shaking as he felt closer to getting hard as he had in weeks. He let his fingers run once more across his lips and then down his neck leaning his head back a bit leaving his throat exposed to Jared's gaze which felt like a physical touch on his skin despite the fact he couldn't even see Jared watching him.
”Four and half.”
He was throbbing in his trousers now, not fully hard but definitely thicker and heavier than just a moment ago. And all just from touching his face while his goddamn therapist, of all people, watched him intently. He had to open his eyes and as his eyes met Jared's he bit his lip trying not to react too wholeheartedly on the other man's closeness. Jensen found it oddly interesting that he had gotten aroused when all he was doing was just touching his face and yet he couldn't even get hard enough to have actual intercourse with his own wife.
Jared's mouth curved into a small smile and he nodded. ”You did really good there, Jensen. You really understood the meaning of the exercise. Does it surprise you that any place you find sensitive can be erogenous?”
Jensen felt his heart hammering in his chest. He breathed in slowly, trying to will himself to relax a bit. Jared stayed quiet and just watched him, clearly giving him space to come down from the exercise before giving him an answer.
Finally, Jensen licked his lips and swallowed thickly. ”I guess.”
”And was the reaction what you expected?”
”No,” Jensen breathed out. Jared had to know that. How could he not see Jensen's arousal when Jensen had to fight so hard to keep his voice even and calm.
”That's really something that most of my patients come across during some of the simple exercises. There are so many areas of our bodies that we don't even consider to be erogenous.”
Jared glanced at his watch.
”Our time is almost up but I have a couple more questions and depending on the answers, more homework for next time.”
”Okay,” Jensen said and felt himself relaxing more as his heartbeat finally seemed to slow down to the normal rate.
”Do you masturbate?” Jared asked looking curious.
”Why?” Jensen blurted quickly, unnerved. ”Yes. Sometimes. Less lately. I'm not much in the mood for it as you can probably understand.”
”Do you get hard when you touch yourself?” Jared asked.
”Yes.”
”Is it difficult for you? I know you've said that you can't perform with your spouse.”
”I don't know it's hard to say. Sometimes it can take a while but I can usually get myself hard.”
”Okay. Do you always orgasm?”
”Most of the time.”
”Good, then I want you to do a bit of home work for next time. I want you to masturbate at least twice before our next session. The first time bring yourself close, but don't ejaculate. And the second time you can climax. There should be at least 12 hours between the two,” Jared paused.
”What's the point?” Jensen asked before Jared had a chance to continue.
”Do you normally touch yourself elsewhere other than your cock when you're masturbating?” Jared asked.
”Not really, no.”
”This time I want you to. The whole time you're touching yourself with one hand, I want you to go over the points with your other hand that you valued over 3 today. The point of the exercise is to teach you how to focus on erogenous zones other than just your penis. Also, if you usually use any sort of masturbatory aide to help with the prossess, I'd recommend against it during this exercise so you'll be able to concentrate on the erogenous points.”
”And the not coming thing?”
”I've found that many men with the same issue find it easier to get aroused when they know they don't have permission to finish. When they know they don't have to have an orgasm, it takes away the pressure of being able to perform perfectly. This doesn't work in all cases, but I want you to try it. During our next meeting we'll discuss if you had better results the second time after the first.”
At home Jensen deliberately avoided Danneel, but that wasn't really a hard job since she didn't seem to want to spend time with him anyway. After his second visit to Jared they had had a heated discussion about whose fault the whole situation was and how it should be solved. Jensen knew that at this point, it didn't seem likely like they could just pin point the moment everything started to go wrong and find out who was really the one who caused it. The whole problem went deeper than he was willing to admit and what Danneel wanted to see.
The next night when Danneel had announced that she would be having a girl's night out at friend's place, and Jensen shouldn't expect her home until morning, he went to bed with full intention on doing his home work. It felt ridiculous to actually call it that. Jensen had to snicker to himself as he imagined Jared in front of a chalk board asking him to tell the class if he had jerked off while rubbing his lips and how satisfying it had been on scale from 1 to 5.
He turned off the light and laid down wondering where he should start. It felt awkward to bring up one hand to his face and snake the other under the blankets. He started out with just pulling his cock in slow strokes and just rested his fingertips of his other hand on his mouth. A moment later he remembered how touching his lips had actually felt better while they had been a bit wet and he carefully moistened them with the tip of his tongue. It didn't feel as dumb like that and he ran his forefinger across his lower lip feeling the moist fullness of it.
His cock hardened against his palm and he jerked it slow, knowing that he couldn't come. It felt sort of shameful that he was only doing this because someone told him to and he shivered at the thought. It was kind of kinky knowing that in that moment even though he was in full control of what he did to himself, someone else still held the reins and gave him instructions on how to act.
Jensen let the tips of his fingers dip just a bit into his mouth as his lips parted for a low moan. Then he slowly slid them across his jaw to his earlobe and then down his neck. The cool air of the room made him shiver as he touched the sensitive skin along his neck with his wet fingers. His cock throbbed in his palm and, fuck, he would have to stop now. Reluctantly he dropped his hand off his skin and the other from his cock. He wanted to go back, finish what he was doing, but there was something else too. The want of showing Jared he could do this.
On the following Thursday when Jensen arrived to his appointment, he was surprised by seeing Jared behind the desk in the front instead of Katie.
”Hey Jensen,” Jared said smiling at him. ”I was just hanging out here waiting for you.”
”Where did you hide your pretty little secretary?” Jensen asked smiling back at Jared. ”I was sort of waiting to see her first.”
Jared laughed. ”Katie works only part time. Monday to Wednesday, and sometimes few hours on Friday mornings. If you only came for her, you should've kept coming on Tuesdays.”
”Oh,” Jensen tried to act like he was honestly dissappointed.
”I'm sorry to disappoint.”
Jensen laughed at the fake sad face Jared pulled and felt surprisingly relaxed and at ease as they moved to Jared's office.
”I thought we would start at this side and then move to therapy room if we have time,” Jared explained.
Jensen nodded and took a seat by the window.
”You look good today. More content than before,” Jared said.
”It was definitely easier coming here this time,” Jensen shrugged. ”I don't think this has solved anything yet, but I hope it will.”
”So, how did the homework go?” Jared asked as he settled in the other chair.
Jensen felt heat on his face and he knew his cheeks must have been turning pink at Jared's question. He had known Jared would ask but it still felt odd that he should start reviewing his jerk off sessions with the guy.
”It was okay,” Jensen finally said.
Jared raised an eyebrow. ”Just okay?”
”Well...”
”Did you follow the instructions?” Jared asked.
”Yes.”
”How did you feel the first time? Was it difficult not going fully through with it?”
”Yes.”
”Where did you touch yourself?”
”Lips, neck, cock.”
”Was it easy to get hard doing it?”
”It was okay. Like usual, but like, I wasn't so focused on what if it doesn't last.”
”What about the second time?”
”It was easier. Maybe partly because I had to wait for it. I got hard just fine and actually finished too...” Jensen looked at his hands and didn't meet Jared's eyes. ”But that's more of a problem with Danneel. Most of the time I can go through with it when it's just me since I don't have to make it work.”
”That's a very common problem,” Jared said and Jensen raised his eyes. ”Most of the time when there are erection problems that are not caused by a medical condition they focus mainly on times when there are certain expectations.”
”Like having to have sex with your wife,” Jensen said bitterly.
”It's typical that issues arise when there are other people's expectations involved.”
”No shit Sherlock.”
”In our second session you mentioned that you can get an erection with her, but it doesn't last long enough for penetration?.”
Jensen brought his hands up hiding his face with his palms. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. He felt the steady throb of blood rushing into his face, coloring his cheeks.
”There is no need to feel ashamed.”
Jensen snorted at that. ”Like you would know.”
”Can I ask you something?”
”Isn't that what you're here for?” Jensen spat out.
Jared just smiled softly like he hadn't noticed anything in Jensen's tone and Jensen felt almost bad for being so irritated.
”Can you orgasm during hand jobs and/or oral sex?” Jared asked.
Jensen wanted to laugh at that. He had expected this to come out earlier but this was as good as any time.
”Hand jobs, yes, sometimes. Or I get hard but don't ejaculate. But we don't do oral. Or I do it for her but she really doesn't want to participate in that,” Jensen explained and watched for Jared's reaction. Jared didn't look affected by the information but Jensen guessed that he had probably heard so many stories like this one that it was quite normal for him.
”Why do you believe she doesn't want to do it?” Jared asked.
”She thinks it isn't hygenic,” Jensen said with heat in his voice. ”Like I didn't fricking wash or something. But the problem for her is that I'm not cut like all the other guys she has ever been with. You know she actually told me one time that she would start doing it if I had a circumcision done. And I don't really want to.”
Jared just stayed quiet as Jensen's voice rose a bit. He was clearly waiting for Jensen to get everything out first and just sat back, watching Jensen intently. Maybe it was what he normally looked like when he was storing away facts he'd need later on, but Jensen felt like there was more to his intense gaze than he could grasp now. For a moment he could have sworn there had been a flash of heat in Jared's hazel eyes.
”My parents didn't want it done. My older brother was cut and he got this nasty infection from it, and even if it was a rare thing to happen and he got over it without any after effects, they didn't want that for me,” Jensen explained trying to move his gaze away from Jared's eyes. ”And I've always been like this. I don't want to change that for her.”
”Do you feel like this could be part of your problem? Do you feel she doesn't find you desirable?” Jared asked and Jensen laughed at him nervously. He couldn't look more like a concerned therapist at that moment, all empathy and serious face and leaning towards Jensen and this time it felt like something Jared had learned to do at some point. An act of some sort.
”Could be. It's always been an issue with us and I think it might sort of be my fault believing she would just get over it,” Jensen sighted. ”But I guess it's just become a bigger problem than it was in the past. And even if it wasn't part of the reason why not being able to have sex with her started, I think it has something to do with the fact we just can't fix things.”
Jared watched him intently. ”Would you ever consider couples therapy?”
”I could ask her. But I don't think that she would want to. She keeps saying that I'm the problem, so I don't think she thinks we could solve this together.”
”What about you?”
”What about me?”
”Do you feel like you could solve this together?”
Jensen fiddled with his ring and brought one hand up to run through his hair. He didn't really want to admit to Jared that for the longest time he had had a feeling that maybe his and Danneel's problems weren't going to get solved anymore.
”Not really...” he offered carefully.
”Think about it though. I think you both could benefit from it. Usually this type of problem can be solved if both partners are willing to take part in the therapy.”
”Could be,” Jensen admitted.
That night Jensen sat in the kitchen until Danneel got home. He himself had left work a bit earlier just to have time to think. As he heard the front door open and Danneel dropping her purse on the table in the hall, he felt nervous. These conversations were never something that he felt comfortable with, and lately, he had just wanted to flee whenever they had to have a serious discussion about anything. It felt so useless when neither of them seemed to see the matter from the other person's perspective.
”Jensen?” Danneel's voice came from the doorway. ”What are you doing here in the dark?”
Jensen shook his head and looked around. It had already gone dark outside and he hadn't really noticed that he should have turned on the light.
”Just thinking,” Jensen muttered.
”Oh.”
Jensen didn't know where Danneel had gotten the skill of packing so much degradation in a single syllable, but it never failed to feel annoying.
”Jared thinks we should see him together,” Jensen just blurted out, not really having the patience to explain himself any further.
”Jared?”
”The therapy guy you forced me to see, remember?”
”And?” She huffed. ”Must be going good if you're already on the first name basis.”
”He thinks it would be more efficient that way. The therapy,” Jensen explained shortly ignoring Danneel's comment. ”And I think he's right. If we want to make this work we should both be there.”
Danneel leaned against the doorway and looked at Jensen. Jensen held her gaze for a moment before looking hastily away. He suddenly had this weird feeling of fear that Danneel might actually want to come to the therapy session. It felt absolutely irrational to feel like that, but for some reason he felt like it wasn't what he really wanted. In his last few visits to Jared, Jensen had been able to relax enough to feel comfortable being there and adding Danneel to that mix would definitely ruin that.
”I don't think that would be a good idea,” Danneel finally said, and even if Jensen knew he should be disappointed he couldn't really feel it.
”Why?” Jensen asked after a full minute of silence, in which he just waited for Danneel to go on and explain herself.
It doesn't seem to be me who can't fuck his wife,” she finally said harshly and turned sharply on her heels.
”But it's definitely you who gets that fucking disgusted expression when she has to touch her husband,” Jensen yelled after her. ”Why the hell would I want to fuck a bitch like that!”
He heard the front door bang before the final words were out of his mouth. He sort of regretted them, but couldn't find it in himself to actually get up and go after her. She'd come home later, or crash with her friends, like the hundred other times she had run out of the house during a fight.
Part 2