Self-recording
I don't know what has been going on with me lately....I have been emotional and moody all week. Have you ever just sat a cried and cried and cried, and not really know what was going on. I was so confused about what was going on in my life, here I was crying and everything seems to be going right. God blessed me with a job, a better job (my boss's job at the last place that fired me) and Micah and I found a church that we like, and I am meeting with friends tomorrow, and we are meeting new people. These are all things that I have been praying for all things that I've wanted. So what is the problem?
Why are answered prayers scarey? Are they scary because that makes God real? Are they scary because then if God is real then I should do what I tell him I'm going to do? Does that mean that I am now losing control over my life? That thought has scared me on many occasions. Losing control. Why is that so terrifying? I know that when I thought I was in control, when I made my choices, and I lived with what I did, and told no one. I had control, I did.....but I was miserable. I had nothing real. I was in hell, and driving further and further away from all love in my life, driving away from any good in my life. I hated my life, and I wanted to die, yet I couldn't no wouldn't give up control. And I couldn't bring myself to end it either, I was too chicken for that. So I sat and I wallowed and I lied, and I lashed out and hurt as many people as I could. I hurt them, because I couldn't see the real love that was right in front of me. All I could see was the future hurt that I "knew" I was going to face when they knew who I really was. Therefore, I could never let that wall down. I could never let them in. I clothed myself in darkness, so much that I did not recognize the light. I would protect myself from the light, shielding my eyes, and crying out for it at the same time.
I don't like change, yet I want change, I need change. And I have no patients for things. My life is in constant flux, I have no idea what is going to happen next. I feel like I have lived my whole life in the meantime, and I am tired, I am tired of waiting. I go and I try to make a plan regain some stability in my life, some sense of security, and God says, "Nope, you're gonna go this way Jenn." It's hard living in God's time. I want things to be in my time, I want people to act the way that I want them to, I want them to be with people that I want them to be with, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to miss people anymore. I want the path that I am on to be visible before I take a step. But that's not the way it works. Does anyone else in life feel this way? Do you? Do you not know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year?
I have no focus lately, everything seems to be in fast forward, or I am watching my life and someone else has the clicker. I get going along a road, or even more still I start thinking about something, and just as I think that I am starting to understand the plot line, the channel gets turned. I have no interest in many of the things that I did before, I am not even as excited about the new job as I should be or as I thought I would be. Perhaps, I am just scared by the last job. The job that I loved that I was so ready to work with God at, so ready to do what I thought he wanted me to do, and then I was fired. I know why He did it, because they got Zinged but the State Board of Health, and I would have gone down with them, I was pulled out of that job so that I would see the position that I now have in the paper. I see the path now, but it's easy to see the path that you've already walked over.
It's the future that scares me. Maybe that's why I've spent so much of my life living in the past, because the past although was miserable and I was terribly unhappy for a lot of it, it was safe, it's unchangeable. Oh how I would love to go back and change somethings, but I can't, and I don't know why I keep reliving those same old things over and over again in my mind? Why is misery so much better company for me than happiness? Because I chose it. Because that's what I wanted to be miserable, because it's easier being miserable, and sad and depressed than it is to be happy and productive and successful. It's easier to lie to people and share false intimacies with them than it is to tell the truth, and to devulge your deepest secrets. It's easier to be hated than it is to be loved, and it's easier to hold a grudge than it is to forgive. It's easier to be angry than it is to be understanding. It's easier to see the goodness in others and faults in yourself.
It's easier to believe that what you have to say isn't worth listening to,
than it is to believe that someone out there NEEDS to hear what you have to say.
It's easier to lie to yourself, and tell yourself that you are stupid, ugly, and a failure,
than it is to believe that you are smart, beautiful, and successful.
So what do you do? When you have this knowledge? I mean, once you find out that you aren't any of the lies that you've told yourself over and over again? First you deny it, then you get angry. Yeah angry! Angry at yourself for believing everything that every critic in your life has ever told you, angry at them for never believing in you, in the knowledge that you now have, and angry at other people that do not know the truth about themselves. But do you help them, do you get in their faces screaming and telling them that they need to wake up? No, because you never would have believed it.....you still aren't sure that you do. And you would have to calm down and stop being angry to process it. So you sit on the information, hoping that somehow, it will just make it's self known. You don't do anything different, you hope that maybe someone will come a long and see it in you, and bring it out. And you try to fight them off, because you still don't know if it's right. But some of us have that angel come into our lives that pull us out of the rubble, and take down our walls, and dearm our traps, and see that truth deep within us....and they love us. They love us, with no strings attatched, no expectations, no hidden meaning, no fine print, and ask for nothing in return. Who are these people? I say they are angels. You know who I am talking about, maybe it's a boy, or a girl, maybe it's that best friend that you, once upon a time hated, maybe it's a teacher that wouldn't let you drop the class or let you fail? What are you going to do now? Now that you know the difference between having to go through a rough time, and creating your own hell? What are you going to do, when you know that success is an option for you? What are you going to do knowing that you CAN be happy?
Why are answered prayers scarey? Are they scary because that makes God real? Are they scary because then if God is real then I should do what I tell him I'm going to do? Does that mean that I am now losing control over my life? That thought has scared me on many occasions. Losing control. Why is that so terrifying? I know that when I thought I was in control, when I made my choices, and I lived with what I did, and told no one. I had control, I did.....but I was miserable. I had nothing real. I was in hell, and driving further and further away from all love in my life, driving away from any good in my life. I hated my life, and I wanted to die, yet I couldn't no wouldn't give up control. And I couldn't bring myself to end it either, I was too chicken for that. So I sat and I wallowed and I lied, and I lashed out and hurt as many people as I could. I hurt them, because I couldn't see the real love that was right in front of me. All I could see was the future hurt that I "knew" I was going to face when they knew who I really was. Therefore, I could never let that wall down. I could never let them in. I clothed myself in darkness, so much that I did not recognize the light. I would protect myself from the light, shielding my eyes, and crying out for it at the same time.
I don't like change, yet I want change, I need change. And I have no patients for things. My life is in constant flux, I have no idea what is going to happen next. I feel like I have lived my whole life in the meantime, and I am tired, I am tired of waiting. I go and I try to make a plan regain some stability in my life, some sense of security, and God says, "Nope, you're gonna go this way Jenn." It's hard living in God's time. I want things to be in my time, I want people to act the way that I want them to, I want them to be with people that I want them to be with, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to miss people anymore. I want the path that I am on to be visible before I take a step. But that's not the way it works. Does anyone else in life feel this way? Do you? Do you not know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year?
I have no focus lately, everything seems to be in fast forward, or I am watching my life and someone else has the clicker. I get going along a road, or even more still I start thinking about something, and just as I think that I am starting to understand the plot line, the channel gets turned. I have no interest in many of the things that I did before, I am not even as excited about the new job as I should be or as I thought I would be. Perhaps, I am just scared by the last job. The job that I loved that I was so ready to work with God at, so ready to do what I thought he wanted me to do, and then I was fired. I know why He did it, because they got Zinged but the State Board of Health, and I would have gone down with them, I was pulled out of that job so that I would see the position that I now have in the paper. I see the path now, but it's easy to see the path that you've already walked over.
It's the future that scares me. Maybe that's why I've spent so much of my life living in the past, because the past although was miserable and I was terribly unhappy for a lot of it, it was safe, it's unchangeable. Oh how I would love to go back and change somethings, but I can't, and I don't know why I keep reliving those same old things over and over again in my mind? Why is misery so much better company for me than happiness? Because I chose it. Because that's what I wanted to be miserable, because it's easier being miserable, and sad and depressed than it is to be happy and productive and successful. It's easier to lie to people and share false intimacies with them than it is to tell the truth, and to devulge your deepest secrets. It's easier to be hated than it is to be loved, and it's easier to hold a grudge than it is to forgive. It's easier to be angry than it is to be understanding. It's easier to see the goodness in others and faults in yourself.
It's easier to believe that what you have to say isn't worth listening to,
than it is to believe that someone out there NEEDS to hear what you have to say.
It's easier to lie to yourself, and tell yourself that you are stupid, ugly, and a failure,
than it is to believe that you are smart, beautiful, and successful.
So what do you do? When you have this knowledge? I mean, once you find out that you aren't any of the lies that you've told yourself over and over again? First you deny it, then you get angry. Yeah angry! Angry at yourself for believing everything that every critic in your life has ever told you, angry at them for never believing in you, in the knowledge that you now have, and angry at other people that do not know the truth about themselves. But do you help them, do you get in their faces screaming and telling them that they need to wake up? No, because you never would have believed it.....you still aren't sure that you do. And you would have to calm down and stop being angry to process it. So you sit on the information, hoping that somehow, it will just make it's self known. You don't do anything different, you hope that maybe someone will come a long and see it in you, and bring it out. And you try to fight them off, because you still don't know if it's right. But some of us have that angel come into our lives that pull us out of the rubble, and take down our walls, and dearm our traps, and see that truth deep within us....and they love us. They love us, with no strings attatched, no expectations, no hidden meaning, no fine print, and ask for nothing in return. Who are these people? I say they are angels. You know who I am talking about, maybe it's a boy, or a girl, maybe it's that best friend that you, once upon a time hated, maybe it's a teacher that wouldn't let you drop the class or let you fail? What are you going to do now? Now that you know the difference between having to go through a rough time, and creating your own hell? What are you going to do, when you know that success is an option for you? What are you going to do knowing that you CAN be happy?