Reflection, I guess.
I've been looking back over entries from about this time 4 years ago. First year. And it's funny to see that I've changed in a lot of ways, but in some ways I haven't.
First of all, I hope I'm less whiny and uptight and work-obsessed/guilty. Can't make any real judgments about that, because, well, it's hard to judge oneself. If you'd asked me then, I don't think I would have said I was whiny or uptight or work-obsessed. Guilty, maybe.
It was 4 years ago today that they found the body of the girl in Stone-D who committed suicide. I'll think of her today; I wonder what her name was. It's funny, now, to think back then. I'd never really experienced suicide personally (I mean, Terence's death was hard, but not on a super-personal level)... but now I've been through the wringer on that 4 times now. Granted, without "success," but I know the sinking, awful feelings associated with it.
I mean, the most obvious differences in how I was "then" and how I am now are that then, I was dating and absolutely, madly, head-over-heels in love with Arthur. But we grew up (and apart) and I have since been able to grow in a lot of different ways (including finding the, you know, big gay part of myself). I was so preoccupied then with him that I didn't pay attention to what was happening here. Let this not be interpreted as, "Being with him was bad," because it wasn't. It was very good for me. I learned a lot and grew, and, really, he was my first major big love. And that is nothing to sneeze at. But I think that it held me back in some ways, too. I didn't really connect with many people at Wellesley, and those I did connect with had to allow Arthur to remain the biggest thing in my life. That was my choice, but man, it may not have been the best one.
I was so miserable here first year. I didn't get along with people, I didn't like the work... I hated my lack of self-control, I was homesick, and I abhorred my body. I feel like I have finally settled into a place where I know a lot of people, get along with a bunch, and am friends with a small number. I have more self-control (although, you know, it could use some work. However-- I must also say that perhaps I should just realize that this is how I am; I can try to change, but I need to realize that this is how I've been for at least 4 years, if not longer, and I should live with it). I have grown to consider this place home as much as home in Colorado. My body and I are on better terms. I eat better, I work out. Training with Erin this summer and focusing on myself helped me immensely (not just in terms of body image, either).
I'll admit, too, that I have hurt people here. I just quit talking to Elizabeth sophomore year. And that was really shitty of me. I excused it by naming things about her that annoyed me, or things that she did that were "unacceptable." But I never really talked to her about it. It was cowardly and bitchy of me to not talk to her. At the same time, I wonder if we were ever going to be really good friends. Yes, we lived together for a year, and yes, she knew lots about me; but I also felt like there was not going to be much room for me to change in our friendship. I hope I didn't hurt her too much-- I also hope that in thinking I hurt her, I am not giving myself too high a place in her esteem or too much power over her emotions.
And I've been hurt by people, too. I could name names, but I won't. I'll just say that I've learned how to move on and accept that sometimes, people aren't who you thought they were. Particularly when placed in a women's college environment... people tend to behave in strange ways that seem beneath them.
I mean, there's also the other obvious changes: from linguistics to studio art in a mere 2 years, from straight and dating-a-boy to gay-gay-gay (almost) all the time, from a politically disinterested "moderate" to a (more) politically informed liberal...
It just seems so silly to point out those changes. Anyone can see them, and I know they took place.
Of course, the things that were important to me when I got here haven't changed much. I still love my family, driving with the music blasting (although, thank goodness, the music has changed... mostly), nice weather, Ender's Game (and other excellent literature), and my dear, darling friends.
One of the most remarkable things to me is how well and how tightly I have managed to maintain ties with "the five." I know the major things that occur in their lives, and I talk to Kaitlin at least once or twice a week. They are still my chosen family; the people I know I can turn to with anything. It's nice to know that I do, in fact, have the power to maintain friendships for a long time. Being at Wellesley has made me question that ability on a few occasions. Turns out I just make friends with some... interesting people.
As it's quarter to 1, and I feel like I'm just repeating myself, it's off to bed with me.
First of all, I hope I'm less whiny and uptight and work-obsessed/guilty. Can't make any real judgments about that, because, well, it's hard to judge oneself. If you'd asked me then, I don't think I would have said I was whiny or uptight or work-obsessed. Guilty, maybe.
It was 4 years ago today that they found the body of the girl in Stone-D who committed suicide. I'll think of her today; I wonder what her name was. It's funny, now, to think back then. I'd never really experienced suicide personally (I mean, Terence's death was hard, but not on a super-personal level)... but now I've been through the wringer on that 4 times now. Granted, without "success," but I know the sinking, awful feelings associated with it.
I mean, the most obvious differences in how I was "then" and how I am now are that then, I was dating and absolutely, madly, head-over-heels in love with Arthur. But we grew up (and apart) and I have since been able to grow in a lot of different ways (including finding the, you know, big gay part of myself). I was so preoccupied then with him that I didn't pay attention to what was happening here. Let this not be interpreted as, "Being with him was bad," because it wasn't. It was very good for me. I learned a lot and grew, and, really, he was my first major big love. And that is nothing to sneeze at. But I think that it held me back in some ways, too. I didn't really connect with many people at Wellesley, and those I did connect with had to allow Arthur to remain the biggest thing in my life. That was my choice, but man, it may not have been the best one.
I was so miserable here first year. I didn't get along with people, I didn't like the work... I hated my lack of self-control, I was homesick, and I abhorred my body. I feel like I have finally settled into a place where I know a lot of people, get along with a bunch, and am friends with a small number. I have more self-control (although, you know, it could use some work. However-- I must also say that perhaps I should just realize that this is how I am; I can try to change, but I need to realize that this is how I've been for at least 4 years, if not longer, and I should live with it). I have grown to consider this place home as much as home in Colorado. My body and I are on better terms. I eat better, I work out. Training with Erin this summer and focusing on myself helped me immensely (not just in terms of body image, either).
I'll admit, too, that I have hurt people here. I just quit talking to Elizabeth sophomore year. And that was really shitty of me. I excused it by naming things about her that annoyed me, or things that she did that were "unacceptable." But I never really talked to her about it. It was cowardly and bitchy of me to not talk to her. At the same time, I wonder if we were ever going to be really good friends. Yes, we lived together for a year, and yes, she knew lots about me; but I also felt like there was not going to be much room for me to change in our friendship. I hope I didn't hurt her too much-- I also hope that in thinking I hurt her, I am not giving myself too high a place in her esteem or too much power over her emotions.
And I've been hurt by people, too. I could name names, but I won't. I'll just say that I've learned how to move on and accept that sometimes, people aren't who you thought they were. Particularly when placed in a women's college environment... people tend to behave in strange ways that seem beneath them.
I mean, there's also the other obvious changes: from linguistics to studio art in a mere 2 years, from straight and dating-a-boy to gay-gay-gay (almost) all the time, from a politically disinterested "moderate" to a (more) politically informed liberal...
It just seems so silly to point out those changes. Anyone can see them, and I know they took place.
Of course, the things that were important to me when I got here haven't changed much. I still love my family, driving with the music blasting (although, thank goodness, the music has changed... mostly), nice weather, Ender's Game (and other excellent literature), and my dear, darling friends.
One of the most remarkable things to me is how well and how tightly I have managed to maintain ties with "the five." I know the major things that occur in their lives, and I talk to Kaitlin at least once or twice a week. They are still my chosen family; the people I know I can turn to with anything. It's nice to know that I do, in fact, have the power to maintain friendships for a long time. Being at Wellesley has made me question that ability on a few occasions. Turns out I just make friends with some... interesting people.
As it's quarter to 1, and I feel like I'm just repeating myself, it's off to bed with me.