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[paintedkaffe]

48 hours & I'm completely lost. The compassionate hugs & loving responses from yesterday are gone & people are already forgetting about him. People are already starting to leave me again as if I'd be just fine when they decided to show me that they really didn't care

Comments

[onebrightflame]

no, i'm not "afraid of what you've become". first of all, i fail to see that you've "become" anything. you are a Friend in Mourning...no one ever had more right to mourn a friend than you, Liz. maybe you don't feel that i understand the depths of how you feel, but believe, me, i DO. my heart cries with wrenching pain every time you weep, every time you say something in your sorrow. i wish i could console you in the deep ways that you need...i try my best, and if there's anything more i can do, please do let me know.

you seem to think you've become a monster of some sort. no. i think you're just discovering a part of yourself that you really hadn't discovered before, a part of yourself that you'd never NEEDED to discover. remember how Fox was so very beautiful in his despair, his deepest sorrow? so are you, in your own very distinct way.

part of me wishes that i could just sit in my room and wallow. but there's another part of me that seeks to bring the greatest good from this whole thing...make lemonade from the lemons, if you would. it might seem to you that i have begun to "move on" already, but believe me, i haven't...when i suffer, i mostly suffer in quiet silence. i haven't gotten over Fox. i doubt i ever will. but time brings healing, and meanwhile i try to seize the best that i can, because i know that's what Fox would have wanted.

and there's something else, too. forgive me if i sound preachy or anything...it is not my intent, it is just honesty, what i believe, what has helped make me the person i am today. i rest in the arms of Jesus Christ my savior, my advocate in heaven. He suffered Fox's pain, your pain, Brette's pain, my pain, everyone's pain, all at once. if you give it up to Him, he can take you in his arms and give you comfort. he loves you more deeply than you know, and sometimes he works through some of the people around you to try and show you that (yes, people hurt you too, but that's their will and their choice, and no matter what they might profess, that's not Christ's true spirit). i know that He's given me strength, and peace...for I'm suddenly pretty darn sure that Fox is up There having the time of his life in a perfect body, and maybe There is in someway meshed with Here.

you're free to believe what you like...i promise i'll NEVER hang up on you, no matter what you say. i won't pressure you. i just thought i'd be honest with you.

i love you oh so much...if nothing else, at least believe in that.

~Kelda

[paintedkaffe]

My ex's mother told me that God picks a boquet of only the finest flowers. & that people are his flowers. Fuck that junk. That's too War of the Worlds for me. in that light, it was her father who's a minister that made that comment originally. If that's true? Then that God is not the perfect 5th element we've all made him out to be. He's bullshit & sadistic & has done nothing but torture this planet with his every fucking whim. Terrorism is just a wake to pick flowers? Pestilence is just a way to pick flowers? Famine too? Ah yes... Death in general is a way of picking flowers.... See a link? Is this supposed to mean that the apocalypse is coming? Is this going to mean that your "jealous God" (as Moses proclaimed him as after coming off Sinai I believe) is going to inflict harm upon me because I see nothing but hypocrisy in his "good book"? To me it's no more good then the fucking anarchist's cook book which is similarly just another way of teaching people how to "pick flowers" for God. I find it sad that more people have died in the name of some unseen God & a book written by stoners who allegidly saw & heard him. & by stoners I mean the fact that in the area where the bible was written they smoke hash like you can't believe. So there's my explanation for that bullshit.

& that's all I'm saying on that belief.

[onebrightflame]

mm...the flower analogy isn't a very good one, in my opinion. i don't believe that God wishes harm or pain on anyone...but sometimes he allows things to happen. he leaves people the option to do what they want--free will. and sometimes there's deeper things that we don't understand. we're just the fish inside the fish tank, almost...even if whoever's outside the fish tank could speak fish, the fish don't have the capacity to understand in the same way that the person outside the fish tank does.

the Bible seems to me too complex for the creation of a bunch of stoners. but like i said, you're free to believe whatever you like. and i won't love you any less for it.

~Kelda

[paintedkaffe]

Tolkien was a stoner... Look at the Lord of the Rings! The man created 3 languages to go along with that book, languaes taught as electives by many colleges across the world now. Stoner's can do a lot more then race light speed down the road in a beat up Chevy to the local quickie mart for some munchies.

As for the fish tank anaology... I can understand my salt water tank fish. I can understand my betta. It's all about body language & with this God or Jesus or whatever you want to call him... He's never appeared so there's no way you can even BEGIN to understand his body language. Therefore I choose to believe in Lord Fox. Why? Because I knew him in his life. I felt it when he died. Therefore Fox = God.