poems have possibilities [5/6]
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PART FOUR
Jared managed to make it home by four, catching the lull between lunch hour and the rush to get home. He checked his phone compulsively on the bus but there was nothing. He shrugged off the disappointment. Jensen was at work. Jared let himself into his apartment, still caught in the current of disbelief and happiness of getting a new job. A job with prospects and a ladder Jared could climb. Sadie and Harley jumped up to meet him, too much energy for his apartment and the floor had fresh scuff marks. Jared didn’t care.
“Heya guys, I’ll be with ya in a second, Daddy’s got to get out of his suit, okay?” He dropped his briefcase on the couch, his phone on the books beside it, and scratched behind their ears, both hands at work. He was a multi-tasker, no sweat. He grinned as Harley licked a stripe up his cheek. As he strode into his bedroom, the dogs followed him, leaping up onto his bed and rolling around in the sheets.
Sighing in exasperation, he hung in suit up and got changed into his running gear. He didn’t tell them to move. Their antics were familiar and made him laugh.
“Who wants to go for a run, huh?” He clapped his hands together and Harley launched himself off the bed, barrelling into Jared’s chest and knocking him to the ground. Jared laughed, even with the wind knocked out of him. He grabbed Harley’s head between his hands and gave him a gentle shake. “Silly boy.”
Sadie sniffed by Jared’s ear and he turned to look at her. She brushed her nose against his chin and snorted, almost impatiently. Jared rolled his eyes.
“I’m up, I’m up. Off me, you giant oaf!” he gave Harley a shove, snickering, and stood up. He chased the dogs out of his room, grabbing the leashes on his way out the door. Out of the grass in front of the apartment block, he roughhoused with them for a while, getting covered in grass stains. The sun was high, a gentle cool breeze cutting through the humidity, and for that moment, his dogs barking and his laughter mixing in the air, he felt like this was the way it was meant to be. A piece slotted into place. His run was short, the day already long enough that he didn’t have the energy but he felt good. Felt complete.
~*~
As he stumbled up the steps a good forty minutes later, he looked over at Jensen’s bay window. Jared knew he wouldn’t be home until six, seven at the latest. And there had been no promises made to leave early. Still, Jared knocked on Jensen’s door, a shy fluttering feeling slumping his shoulders. He couldn’t place it, this nervousness. There was a small ball of happiness and contentment making room for itself in Jared’s heart and he wanted to share it. He wanted to share it now, with Jensen. His hands trembled as he knocked on the door. He got no reply and accepted it. The feeling could wait. It wasn’t going anywhere.
His dogs pulled him over to his apartment door, panting. Harley slumped comically against the floor.
“Wuss,” Jared scoffed. In his apartment he splashed water into the dog bowls in the kitchen, before stripping off quickly and making his way into the bathroom. He sighed in disgust at the stains in the grouting but groaned in relief at the decent water pressure. Jared thought of Jensen’s apartment, what he’d seen of the bathroom, gleaming stainless steel. He scrubbed his hands though his hair, rubbing the shampoo in viciously, washing it out, rubbing soap over his skin and felt his cock wake up, ever hopeful. Jared pulled at his erection almost brutally, barely enough slick. He forced his orgasm out, quick and rough, the slide of his fingers against his hole enough to send him shooting over the edge, pleasure so tight it was almost painful. He rested his forehead against the cool tiles beneath the shower head and stayed there until the water ran cold, steeping out only when he began shivering, his mind stuttering to a sluggish pace.
Drying his skin ruthlessly quickly, as he warmed up, Jared felt his irritation from yesterday itch through his veins, combining with his earlier fear, and as he yanked on his boxers, he didn’t know what to do with himself, a restless energy making him indecisive. His good mood from earlier had evaporated, even as he put on a nice green shirt and his good jeans in the hope that tonight would end up somewhere better. He plopped himself down on his couch and looked at the ceiling. He noticed the damp stains and peeling paint, the water damage, and knew he could move out soon, even next week. He wanted to move, begin a new life, and a new chapter, but he’d be leaving Jensen behind then, and the though cut through him, all sharp edges. What would Jensen say? Would he come with Jared? Jared couldn’t imagine it. Jensen’s custom bookcase sprang to mind. He knew that Jensen wouldn’t leave, too much work and love and care in the detailing. But would he let Jared go, just like that, a snap of the fingers.
Harley and Sadie yipped at him, having drunk their fill, and when they took up their usual positions sprawled across him on the couch, he petted them, rubbed at the fur under their chins. He needed their unfettered, unconditional affection, their slobbering, over-enthusiastic love. Sadie and Harley squirmed all over Jared, their licking kisses and playful biting forcing a laugh out of him. He loved these two dogs. He would have been unbearably lonely without them. It was why he let them get away with messing up his bedding, with the odd scuff marks on the floor.
His phone beeped at him, someone calling him, and he reached over to grab it from where he’d left it when he came in, balanced precariously on his collection of books by the couch. His stomach swooped. It was Lucy. Jared swallowed, forced himself to smile.
“Hey, Lucy.”
“So?” she demanded.
“What?”
“Don’t you ‘what’ me, son. How did it go, you little tease.”
Jared shrugged a shoulder, his smile more genuine now. “I got it.”
Lucy shrieked in delight. “I knew you would,” she shouted. “Oh, this is fabulous. What are you doing to celebrate?”
“Jensen said something about a dinner or going out, but we haven’t confirmed anything.” Jared made a face as Harley farted, waving a hand in front of him.
“Oh, that’s perfect. We’re wrapping up at the shelter now, so if you meet us downtown, we can go to that steakhouse you’ve been drooling about-“
“I haven’t been drooling, Lucy,” he interrupted, indignant. “I don’t drool. I talked about it once.” Lucy scoffed. “Luce, I can hear you rolling your eyes. Stop it.”
“Urgh,” she huffed. “Fine. I’m going to book a table for half past six. I assume lover boy will be there. I can’t wait to meet him, by the way.”
Jared cleared his throat. “I. Ummm. He, we.” Jared couldn’t figure out what he wanted to say. Lucy was silent, patient in a way that always caught him off guard. He let out a heavy breath. “He’ll be late, probably. He’s still at work. He doesn’t know yet.” He was too hot, his cheeks too flushed, Harley too heavy on his lap. The sound that Lucy made was too knowing.
“Okay, Jared,” she said softly. “Give him a call, send him a text. You deserve to celebrate, so I am taking you out to dinner with Matt and Charlie. If he shows up, it’ll be fantastic. This is an amazing opportunity; you’ve said it yourself so many times. You shouldn’t stay at home, waiting.”
“Okay.” His voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. In so short a time, she’d come to know him so well. “Okay,” he repeated, his voice stronger. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
“Atta boy,” she said, fondly. “See you soon. Call him.” Jared could hear her yell for Charlie before she hung up and then she was gone. He was left staring at his phone. If Jensen didn’t answer, did it matter? He was working. Harley shifted on his lap, paws digging into Jared’s leg insistently.
“Yeah, all right, ringing him now.” Jared could take a hint. He smoothed a hand down Harley’s back, more for his benefit than Harley’s, and dialled Jensen’s number. He ignored the jump in his heart as it went straight to voicemail.
“Hey, Jen. It’s me. Uh, Jared.” He coughed awkwardly. “Duh. Anyway, I know I already texted you, but the interview went really well and I got the job! I know you said you’d organise something to celebrate but I haven’t heard from you all day, so I’ve had to come up with something myself. You snooze, you lose.” His laugh sounded tinny and false, even to his ears. “I’m heading out to dinner with the guys from the shelter, at the steakhouse out by the medical centre for six thirty. You’re more than welcome to join us.” He paused. “I really want you to come,” he said softly. “Please? I’m moving up in the world and I want you with me to celebrate.” Jared fiddled with Harley’s collar until the dog huffed and pulled away from Jared’s nervous fingers.
“Okay, then. Umm, if you can’t make it, let me know? We can have our own celebration later. Uh, bye.”
After he hung up, he slapped a palm to his forehead. That had been painful and awkward, and now Jared wasn’t looking forward to Jensen listening to him ramble on like an idiot. Doubt niggled away at him. What was he doing?
“No.” Jared pushed Harley off his lap and stood up. “Stop it. You’re looking for things that aren’t there,” he told himself. He sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. He bounced a little on his toes before checking his watch. Another forty or so minutes to wait. He strode into the kitchen, banging cupboard doors as he got out the dogs dinner, refilling the water bowls too. It took him less than five minutes.
“Fuck it,” he muttered. “I’m walking.”
~*~
Even walking, Jared arrived ten minutes early and stood outside, looking out at the street. He watched people walk past him. There was a couple on the other side of the street, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, hers wrapped around his waist. She was laughing at something the guy had said, head tipped back. She missed the look of adoration on his face, but Jared didn’t. His chest was tight. It felt like nothing fit.
With perfect timing, Lucy appeared around the corner, yelling his name when she saw him. She ran towards him and he picked her up in a swooping hug. Her arms were tight around his neck and he could feel her smile as she pressed her cheek against his.
“Oh, I am so proud of you!”
Jared tightened his arms around Lucy’s waist. A wave of homesickness crashed over him. He missed his Mom, his Dad, his brother and sister, missed them hard enough that his eyes grew hot and itchy, and he didn’t trust himself to speak. He pressed his face tighter into Lucy’s hair, hiding away from the enormity of what he was doing, of how he was living, of how he had cut out half of his life without thinking. The gnawing pit in his stomach was filled with regret.
“I miss my family,” he blurted out.
Lucy gave him a gentle squeeze and then pulled back to look at his face. “Oh, Jared.”
He shrugged his shoulders, couldn’t make himself look her in the eye. He was blinking rapidly. She put her hand on his shoulder.
“The boys are inside,” she said. “If you need to send a text or two, you can do that. Take your time.” With one last reassuring smile, she left to go inside, giving Jared some privacy.
For too long he had ignored his family. And today, of all days, should be one shared. He knew they would be proud of him, if not for, well, everything else. Jensen wasn’t here to distract him with his laughter or his kisses, and Jared couldn’t rely on him like that anymore. Their relationship was lop-sided and out of sync. But before he could work on that, he needed to make the first step back towards what he once ran away from.
Jared pulled out his phone, opened up a new text message. He knew it was shitty to send just a text after all this time but he didn’t want to ring in case his Mom answered. Jared couldn’t deal with that. He bit his lip, stared down at the phone for a long moment.
Hi Mom. I’m sorry, for everything. I got a job in Richardson, a good one. I’m doing okay. I miss you and I love you. Please forgive me. Can we talk? Tomorrow? Jared x
He stared at the pavement, tracking the cracks. It took someone bumping into him to snap him out of his trance. He looked up at the man who’d knocked into him, who was already several feet away from him, headphones on his head. Jared could hear the music pulsing from them even at this distance. He shook his head. His phone beeped in his hand.
“Shit.”
I’m so happy to hear from you, it’s been too long. We need to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow. We all miss you.
Jared smiled and tucked his phone back into his pocket. This was good. He wasn’t running away anymore. He walked into the restaurant, step a little lighter. Immediately, he spotted Lucy waving at him, Charlie and Matt beside her with amused expressions on their faces at her enthusiasm. Jared’s smile grew on his face as he pulled out a chair.
“You good?” she asked once he sat down.
“Yeah. Gonna talk to my Mom tomorrow, sometime.”
Lucy leaned over the table to squeeze Jared’s hand. “Proud of you.”
“Thanks, Luce.” Jared felt a swell of fondness for her. He could feel Matt and Charlie looking at them in slight confusion, and his fingers twitched under Lucy’s hand. He cleared his throat.
“So,” Lucy said brightly, pulling her hand back. “When’s Jensen coming?”
“I have to admit, I’m looking forward to meeting him,” Charlie said. Matt nodded.
“He hasn’t replied to any of my calls or texts. His phone is off or something. He’s probably still working.” Jared shrugged and picked up the menu. “You guys know what you’re getting? I’m torn between steak and more steak.” He ignored the concerned glances the three of them shared, just like he ignored how blank his phone remained for the rest of the evening.
Time alternatively sped up and crawled. Jared felt twitchy, his feet never still. The conversation was good and the steak was even better but he couldn’t help but resent the fact that Jensen wasn’t there. Lucy held court like a queen, kept the conversation away from any mention of Jensen, the fifth chair quickly whisked away when it became obvious that he would be a no-show. Matt had a wicked sense of humour, more so because of his quiet nature, and Jared found himself laughing so hard he cried. Charlie kept the beers flowing all the way up until dessert, when it was decided that there should be a change of pace.
“Shots!” demanded Lucy. Matt and Jared groaned.
“Oh god, no.” Matt waved a hand at her beseechingly. “Please. We have to work tomorrow.”
“Your boss will probably be more lenient if you bought him a shot or two,” Charlie said, giving them a sly look.
“That’s great and all, but I am out.” Matt shook his head. “I’m tipsy enough already because somebody kept buying me alcohol.” He gave Charlie an accusing stare. Jared hiccupped a laugh. He was more than tipsy but less than drunk. Everything had a nice film to it, edges softened and less likely to hurt.
“What about you, Jared?” Lucy asked. He shrugged.
“I probably shouldn’t.”
“That’s not a no,” she crowed.
Jared thought for a moment and then shook his head. “Nah, I won’t. I’ve reached a nice mellow and if I drink anything harder, I’ll wind up getting all morose and stuff.” He nodded slowly. “Yup.” He made a popping plosive sound. “I’m done.”
Lucy pouted. “Jared.”
He leaned over to clap her on the shoulder. “I am very sorry,” he said solemnly. “But I cannot continue further in your revelry.” He snickered. Charlie raised an eyebrow and Matt sighed.
“I think Jared is a little more wasted than he thinks he is,” he said.
“Lies,” Jared replied, pointing an accusing finger at Matt with narrowed eyes. “Lies and slander.”
Matt rolled his eyes. “I think it’s time we head home.” He caught the eye of a passing waiter and made the universal sign of asking for the bill.
Jared fumbled in his pocket to get his wallet out. He made a triumphant noise when he succeeded. He’d had to out his phone out as well and he checked the screen. Nothing. Zero, zilch, nada.
“Jensen’s going to break up with me, isn’t he?” Jared glanced up, embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to say that aloud. God, he really was a little bit nearer to drunk than he’d thought. Lucy looked at him sadly while Matt pursed his lips. Charlie’s face gave nothing away. None of them disagreed with him or rushed to convince him otherwise. His heart sank. There was a long pause.
“I think,” Matt said slowly. “I think it depends on whether you’ll let him or not.”
“I don’t--.” Jared scrubbed a hand through his hair. “What?”
“I mean, is it worth it to you?” Matt shrugged. “It appears like Jensen hasn’t been pulling his weight in your relationship. Maybe he has a good reason for that, maybe he doesn’t. But is it worth it to find out?”
Jared opened his mouth and then closed it. He frowned, bit his lips. He thought about the times when Jensen would look at him with such intensity, Jared was sure he’d drown in it. Their relationship, he realised, was unbalanced. Both Jared and Jensen fell into this relationship without talking about it, about their expectations, what they wanted from each other. The foundation was cracked but it could be patched up or let crack further. Jared needed to find out which. He looked down again at his phone and felt anger spark up. It was irrational and uncontrollable. He didn’t know what to do with himself.
He realised the three of them were still silent, waiting on him to speak.
“Thanks, Matt.” He tried to smile, though it came out more like a spasm. It was worth it to Jared. He needed to find out, before his anger became uncontainable and he cut his losses. He was trying to learn from his mistakes.
The waiter arrived with the bill and cut through the tension around the table. Jared cleared his throat. “How much do I owe?”
“Oh, no.” Lucy shoved at his hand holding his wallet. “This is on us, our treat.”
This time, when Jared smiled, it was much more genuine. “Thank you.”
Quickly the bill was paid and they were tumbling out of the door, laughing as Jared tripped over his own feet.
“You okay to get home?” Lucy reached up for a hug.
“Yeah.” Jared squeezed her tight, pouring all his gratitude into the hug. “I walked here, so I’ll walk back, no biggie.”
Lucy pulled back and cupped his face in her hands. “Whatever happens, you can always call me.”
Jared flushed, itched to pull away but didn’t. “I know.”
“Good,” she said and she pinched his cheeks.
“Ow!”
She pranced out of his reach cackling. “See you soon, honey!” She blew kisses at the boys and then she was gone, a little whirlwind.
Chuckling, he shook hands with Matt and Charlie slapped him on the back. “We’ll miss you at the shelter, you know.”
“I’m not leaving for another few weeks yet.”
Charlie nodded. “Still, we made a good team.” He gave Jared another slap and then he too was gone.
Matt looked at him consideringly. “If you love Jensen, try to find some way to make it work. And if it can’t be fixed, let it go and move on. Life’s too short.”
“Umm.” Jared blinked. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Matt gave him a salute and turned around, made a dash to cross the road. He gave a wave before he turned round the corner, and then it was just Jared. He started to walk home. He had a lot to think about.
~*~
The walk home was a blur, Jared’s head full of thoughts that he couldn’t quite grasp. He was angry and he was scared and he was lost.
He looked up at Jensen’s bay window. The room beyond it was dark but there was a light in the kitchen. He couldn’t see any movement. Jared hurried up the steps and let himself into the apartment building. He found himself outside Jensen’s door, hand raised to knock, Matt’s words ringing in his ears. He had to know.
Jared rapped his knuckles on the door and waited.
Nothing. He knocked again and waited longer. Still nothing.
He felt the swell of anger press up against his insides, a tidal wave that had him pushing away and slamming into his own apartment. He wanted to shout, his hands fisted in his hair. He paced the floor, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“The fucking-” His voice was loud and he heard the dogs whine from the bedroom, the rustling of them moving around. He deflated. It was too late, he wasn’t sober. He couldn’t do this. Jared’s throat clogged up, a lump he couldn’t swallow around.
“I can’t do this,” he murmured, defeated. He went into the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt. He threw his clothes onto the floor, not caring, and when he’d undressed down to his boxers, he flopped onto the bed.
Harley was already on the bed and Sadie jumped up from where she had been lying on her bedding in the corner. She clambered onto the bed, snuggling into Jared’s side.
“Hey, girl.” He grinned tiredly, his heart hurting. He rubbed his wet eyes on the pillowcase. Sadie rubbed her nose along his arm and he draped it across her back. Jared felt his eyes close. He was exhausted. He let out a sigh and drifted into an uneasy sleep.
He woke up hours later, limbs trembling and covered in a cold sweat. Terror made his heart pound and adrenaline coated his mouth in a bitter taste.
“Fuck,” he panted. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He wrestled with the covers that had gotten tangled around his legs during the night and pushed out from underneath a drooling Harley. He stumbled into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. He stared at his face in the mirror, pale and washed out. His eyes looked bruised. He couldn’t remember what the nightmare had been about, like all the times before, but he was left with a lingering feeling of grief and loss and a panic so intense he thought he’d have a heart attack.
He pushed his wet hair off his forehead. His head ached.
Jared walked unsteadily out to the kitchen, where he filled a glass of water and swallowed down some Advil. He glanced up at the clock on the wall and let out a quiet groan. It was half past six in the morning. He’d barely gotten six hours sleep.
He went back into the bedroom, pawing through his jeans on the floor to get his phone. There was a little flicker of hope that he’d have a text message or a phone call from Jensen, but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Jared pulled on his jeans and threw on a t-shirt he grabbed from the floor. Before he even knew what he was doing, Jared stormed across the hallway, seeing nothing but red, his hands clenched into fists, nails digging half-moons into the skin of his palms. He had enough presence of mind to grab his keys and shut the door behind him, and then he was banging his fist on Jensen’s door, so fucking pissed, not caring about what time it was in the morning.
All he had ever done was want to be a part of Jensen’s life, for Jensen to be a part of his. Both broken when they met, maybe still so, but filling each other up until those broken pieces didn’t hurt so much anymore. And now, now, what was Jared to Jensen? Unimportant, clearly, so damned forgettable. Well, Jared was done, fucking done with it. He pounded on the door, not caring if he woke the entire apartment building up. He ignored the ache in the scar of his left hand, the scar Jensen had once so lovingly kissed while he pressed Jared down into the mattress of his own bed.
Jared stood there, five minutes, maybe ten, consistently hammering on the door. He waited for a sound, anything at all. Eventually he heard cussing and footsteps. Jensen opened the door, then, soft, sleepy-eyes and bed tousled hair and so adorable. Something stuttered in Jared’s chest but he would not be swayed. He would not be seduced by Jensen, by the freckles across his nose, the strength of his shoulders.
He didn’t ask to come in. He barged right through, knowing it was rude but who cared. Jensen didn’t.
“Jared,” Jensen asked around a yawn, closing the door behind him. “What the hell is going on? Where’s the fire?” He rubbed at his eyes like a child and it all shattered in Jared’s chest, collapsed inwards, a pandemonium of crashing glass and clattering steel.
“Have a good time last night, Jensen?” Jared sneered, standing up tall, feet planted wide. “You forget anything? Miss something?”
Jensen’s eyes widened. “Are you okay, Jared?”
“No, Jensen,” Jared spat out. He was exploding. There were shards of Jared everywhere. “I am not fucking okay. You completely forgot about me last night. I know we never said what we were but I was hoping it was enough that you’d want to celebrate with me. I left you texts and voicemails. I knocked on your door. I thought about going down to your bookstore and asking Jacob where you were.” Jensen’s face twisted, just a little. “Did you find someone else?” He hated how small his voice was. He forced himself to sneer. His chest was collapsing under the weight of his question.
“Probably, it’s not as if I’m memorable, is it, Jensen?” Jared took a step forward, crowded Jensen up against the door. Jensen was breathing shallowly, his eyes wide in shock. His mouth hung open. He shook his head violently. “I mean, never mind Jared, he’s only twenty-four. He’s just figured out he’s actually, bona fide, gay. He doesn’t know what he wants - he’ll move on and forget me so I’ll forget him.”
And there it was. Jared’s fear, spoken aloud, razor sharp and painful. Jared leaned in, slammed his palms flat against the wooden panelling above Jensen’s shoulders, crowded him in, caged. Jensen flinched, hard.
“Jared, I don’t understand-” Jensen gasped, tried to get the words out, make the stronger, maybe, but Jared didn’t let him, cut him off savagely.
“No! You just brushed me off last night. You ignored me. Do you know how many people I know here, a new guy in a new place with severed ties?” Jensen was shaking his head, getting more agitated. “Maybe I was an idiot,” Jared continued, “running away too far too fast. Maybe I put too much hope in you, in us, but it was like I had no one but you and my dogs for so long.”
“Jared, I didn’t, it’s not like that,” Jensen interrupted, pleading now and oh, score one for Jared Padalecki. He wanted to gouge into Jensen, rip him up, hurt him and then leave him. He wanted to leave this mess of a relationship.
“I got the job, Jen, I got it,” Jared all but snarled. “I’m twenty-four, fresh out of college with an engineering degree, do you know how lucky I am? And who do I want to share that with, this momentous thing that’s happened in my life?” Jared moved his hands to cup Jensen’s face, watched as those eyes widened, white rings around the green, framed with such long lashes, watched as Jensen got it, caught up to speed. Jared kissed him fiercely, desperately.
“I wanted to share it with you. Eat dinner together, go to bed and spend the whole night making each other scream. But I hear nothing from you, nothing, how am I supposed to feel? I had to sit at a table with the guys from work, waiting for you to show up, humiliated.” He bent his head to lean against Jensen’s shoulder, heartsick. “I would have told you I loved you, you know that? Asked you to move out with me, get a house, a backyard, be a family.” He moved back to look into Jensen’s eyes but couldn’t catalogue what he saw. “Live my dream,” he said softly.
And then he shoved away from Jensen, scrubbed a hand across his mouth, over his eyes.
“But all I got was a bit fat pile nothing, with a side order of fuck you.”
“I didn’t know how you felt, Jared, how was I supposed to know?” Jensen said beseechingly. He reached his hands out to Jared and then jerked them back. He folded his arms, hunching forward.
Jared laughed, a broken sound, hollow and brittle. “You could have asked. I just wanted you to ask.”
He heard Jensen walk over to him, the soft swishing sound of his bare feet against the carpet, felt hands cover his own, pull them down from his face and Jensen was so sorry, he could see that. God, Jared wanted it, wanted him so bad, he’d take it and run with it and never look back.
“I’m sorry, Jared, that I made you feel like this, but you can’t honestly believe that I could forget about you. Come on, you’re not that dense.”
Jared snorted, sighed. “You’re working all the time, being secretive. You haven’t been letting me in. Whether it’s intentional or not, you’ve pretty much ignored me. I’ve had enough.” Jared pulled back his shoulders. “I’ve had enough. I want to know what’s going on. Tell me. Please.”
Jensen turned away, scrubbed a hand through his hair again. He began pacing between the door and the bookcase, his hands making strange twisting gestures, a nervous fidget. He stopped, grabbed a book from a shelf and stared at it for a long moment before handing it over to Jared.
“I wrote this,” he said, simply, plainly, and Jared looked down at the book now in his hands, a black cover with the name D.S. Winchester in white.
“What,” Jared said, shocked. He couldn’t believe - why would Jensen say this. He stared down at the book in confusion, his grip slack.
“I’ve been writing again, decided to drop the pseudonym. My agent, Robert, was kinda against it but now thinks the revealing of my identity will help rake in the cash. Whatever, it’s not about that. I couldn’t tell you, couldn’t do it, because you love him so much, he means so much to you and what if I couldn’t live up to that? What if I destroyed -”
Jared couldn’t bear to hear another word, devastation rolling through him, anger nipping at its heels, enveloping him, covering him, and Jared couldn’t think through the fog of it.
“Stop.” His voice was barely more than a whisper, hoarse, a cracked and bleeding thing. He handed the book back to Jensen with a shaking hand, couldn’t even look at him. “Stop it, don’t. I can’t.” And there was the anger, so much easier to handle than this heartbreak, that Jensen would stoop so low, had created this lie, this delusion, for what? So Jensen could have a clean break.
“Fuck you.”
“Jared, what.” Jensen blinked up at him, so confused, pale, freckles standing out against his skin so starkly.
“I said, ‘Fuck. You.’ Why would you say something like that? Do you want me to leave?” He stopped, choked at a sudden upsurge of pain, of loss, clung onto the anger to get through it. “If you want me to leave, all you have to do is say so. I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.”
“You think I’m lying,” Jensen said flatly, voice a monotone, face slowly erasing all emotion, settling into something carefully blank. “You actually think I’m lying.”
“Just tell me the truth,” Jared roared, the shout building up and blasting out, and Jensen flinched, like he had been slapped, the sun from the bay window pouring in and making his hair seem blonde, the outer edges a halo. Jared refused to be swayed, would not give in.
“I write poetry under the pseudonym D.S. Winchester.”
“You can’t even be honest with me. What the hell is wrong with you?”
Jensen stepped closer, that blank face melting away to reveal a burning anger. “You can’t even believe me. What the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh?” There was a flicker of such pain in his eyes before Jensen covered it up. “You can’t trust me. You don’t believe in me. You don’t believe me at all! So what the hell are you still doing here?”
“Fuck you too.” Jared snarled the words, said them nastily, viciously, cutting through the air like a heavy handed slap. “All I am is a distraction from how much you miss your father and how he left you all alone,” Jared taunted, hated himself for it. He knew what would happen as soon as those words left his lips. Jensen stood forward and shoved him, hard enough that Jared fell to the ground. He knocked his elbow against the wood of the coffee table, a jolt of anguish shredding along his nervous system.
He looked up, saw Jensen’s heaving chest.
“Jesus,” Jensen panted, face twisted. “Jesus fuck, I didn’t mean to - shit.” His hands were hanging in mid-air, as if he was offering Jared a hand up. He didn’t come any closer. There was still an angry flush glowing across his skin. Jared picked himself up, arms shaking.
“Jensen,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He took a step back when Jensen flinched.
“No. No, I can’t -.” Jensen closed his eyes. “You’ve gotten what you wanted. I’m sorry if I hurt you but.” He sighed, the sound hitching like a silent sob. “You’ve got what you wanted so you can leave now.” Jensen shook his head, a defeated slump to his shoulders. Bile rose up in Jared’s throat. His guilt and shame made him nauseous. What had he expected? Wasn’t this what he had wanted? Wasn’t it what he had set out to do as he ran across the hallway, began pounding on that door?
“I can’t even look at you, can’t believe you would just -” Jensen shook his head. “Never mind. We’re done, Jared. Run away from the mess you made.” Jared’s hands wouldn’t stop shaking. His eyes burned. “It’s what you did before, isn’t it? I’m not gonna stop you now.”
Jensen didn’t move, stood in the centre of the room. There was a fine trembling in his limbs, if Jared looked close enough. He wasn’t alone in this heartbreak because of his anger and desperation, his stupid impulsiveness. He was nothing but a kicked dog, lashing out before it could be hurt again. Wash, rinse and repeat. Jared took a last look at Jensen, at his now cold eyes and closed off face. He could see nothing now of the man he loved in there.
He walked around Jensen and paused by the door. He could hear Jensen’s heavy, choppy breathing behind him. Life isn’t a fairytale and there are no guaranteed happy endings.
He ran.
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