(no subject)
there is no one, nowhere, nothing that i love more than japan
i love all the people, all the places & foods
not as seperate things, not by their identity but as this mass entity of "japaneseness" that is in every one of them
there are people who embody this "japanness" without even realizing it, & i love just observing those people for the small moment of time i see them, on the train or walking on campus or in the conbini
& then there are people who have this japanness so deeply engrained in them
& are aware of it, & accept it & love it, & i find myself so deeply drawn to these people
i just want to talk to them
& be with them
& love them with all my heart
but i can't explain this to the person i'm dating, who is miles away
& gets angry with me when i talk about wanting to be close to these people (men) & all the beautiful people (men) that i see
because he thinks i'm looking at them the same way i look at him
but it's different
these people are not exactly people, they're like...embodiments of things that i love...innocent things..things that i wouldn't want to dirty with thoughts of sex or...i don't know
this is so hard to explain
& i know i won't be able to explain it to him so i don't try,
but i feel like i'm drifting away from him because
i'm scared that my memories of him & my image of him will warp, the more i see these people who are so perfect in their averageness
i've never seen him in japan, i don't know what he's like here...
but i know that he's different from these average people who are all basically the same...
& i'm either going to love that, or come to fear / despise it...
i don't know which one,
that's why i want to just wait until december & focus on myself for now,
that's what i tell myself but
i'm the one who emails him everyday
why can't i keep myself from doing that?
because he's still a part of me, he's still there, even though i don't know if i want him to be...
but i WANT to want him to be...
is that good enough for now?