what if i gave you my eyes.
i found myself recently evaluating the effect that not having a father figure has on an ever growing individual. i've seen nearly half a billion red flags in other people, and never held against the person himself, but rather noticed the very potential lifelong problems and damaging relational effects. human beings seek to fill in voids and most will do it by any means necessary. sometimes other people get hurt.
when my dad called today, i was hesitant to pick up the phone. i knew he only brought unwanted and disappointing news. he's been promising me time for weeks. all i wanted was to go play tennis with him like we used to always do. everyday there has been some excuse. today is not unlike the others and i had been SO excited, regardless of the blistering heat and evening match time.
i was eleven when he met my stepmom. we thought she was perfect until she moved into our house. she's done everything in her power to see me fail and destroy me. i stayed and put up with it, but instead of falling forward, i sadly fell behind. she was always his number one. she would say and call me the most evil things and clearly didnt love him. but i was daddys little girl. i tried so hard to make myself seen, to come first if even just a single time. i couldnt give up. i would have died for him.
i graduated highschool at sixteen so i could *get out* and save myself before the abuse at home helped itself to the last few ounces of dignity i had. i tried to walk away entirely, leave my thoughts and fear and excuses and love behind. three years have passed and just as i thought that i had been as successful as possible, my defenses were weakened with a single phone call this afternoon.
his wife and poor excuse for a job have come between us AGAIN. i needed an hour. one out of 24 out of seven out of 365. he said he's sorry. how bout tomorrow.
i wish he could see the true effect that he and his actions have had on me as a person and me as a functioning partner in a relationship. my friend nick and i went to dinner probably about two months ago. he was upset about some things that were going on between him and the girl he was seeing, and i had a few complaints about the then current state of my relationship. i looked him in the eye and said *i figured it out. i used to always think that i was afraid of being alone, that i always needed to be with someone to feel like a valid human being. but i had it all wrong. i am perfectly capable of being on my own, of being one whole instead of one half..but my true fear lies in abandonment. i never come first. and somehow i keep choosing the same kind of *men* that maybe not from day one, but from day five, make me face these fears. i dont know how to stop the cycle.*
if loving someone makes them treat you this way, i dont want it.
but thanks, dad. how bout tomorrow?
when my dad called today, i was hesitant to pick up the phone. i knew he only brought unwanted and disappointing news. he's been promising me time for weeks. all i wanted was to go play tennis with him like we used to always do. everyday there has been some excuse. today is not unlike the others and i had been SO excited, regardless of the blistering heat and evening match time.
i was eleven when he met my stepmom. we thought she was perfect until she moved into our house. she's done everything in her power to see me fail and destroy me. i stayed and put up with it, but instead of falling forward, i sadly fell behind. she was always his number one. she would say and call me the most evil things and clearly didnt love him. but i was daddys little girl. i tried so hard to make myself seen, to come first if even just a single time. i couldnt give up. i would have died for him.
i graduated highschool at sixteen so i could *get out* and save myself before the abuse at home helped itself to the last few ounces of dignity i had. i tried to walk away entirely, leave my thoughts and fear and excuses and love behind. three years have passed and just as i thought that i had been as successful as possible, my defenses were weakened with a single phone call this afternoon.
his wife and poor excuse for a job have come between us AGAIN. i needed an hour. one out of 24 out of seven out of 365. he said he's sorry. how bout tomorrow.
i wish he could see the true effect that he and his actions have had on me as a person and me as a functioning partner in a relationship. my friend nick and i went to dinner probably about two months ago. he was upset about some things that were going on between him and the girl he was seeing, and i had a few complaints about the then current state of my relationship. i looked him in the eye and said *i figured it out. i used to always think that i was afraid of being alone, that i always needed to be with someone to feel like a valid human being. but i had it all wrong. i am perfectly capable of being on my own, of being one whole instead of one half..but my true fear lies in abandonment. i never come first. and somehow i keep choosing the same kind of *men* that maybe not from day one, but from day five, make me face these fears. i dont know how to stop the cycle.*
if loving someone makes them treat you this way, i dont want it.
but thanks, dad. how bout tomorrow?