Lately
So we're trying to sell our house in hopes of buying another one. We entered into a contract to buy on the condition we sell our house. Same town, just bigger house. It has 4 bedrooms, and a dining room, basement, 1 1/2 baths, mother-in-law apartment that is already rented and almost an acre of land which is almost unheard of in Barre. Quite nice but the hill it is on not so nice in the winter. Anyways... we've shown our house a few times. Last guy I had to show the house by myself because Michael was at a fire. Craziness and most unimpressed I left work early to get Lily and thankfully most of the house was already picked up except a few things. Showing went ok.. the girl looked familiar but couldn't place her. Michael called the guy the next day to ask if he had any questions that I might not have had the answer to and the guy sounded really encouraging. Said he loved the house and was going to be going to the bank. We will see.. hopefully this will end quickly and we can have a bigger house. We're talking about adding onto the family and we can financially do it if we get this house. Keeping my fingers crossed. I don't like change and at first when Michael was talking about this place I wasn't super enthused. I've grown to like it and am actually looking forward to it now. I don't like change but with time to not rush into it, I can go with the flow.
So today on another note, I went to Hardwick (Hickville) to visit my grandmother and my uncle from Boston was up for the weekend so it was like two for the price of one visit! I got my brother to come which was nice. It was great to see my uncle and grandmother. I really enjoy their company and Lily had a blast! She chased my grandmothers cat and laughed and had a great time. Tired her right out. Then we left and went to get pizza, just me and my brother. Lily fell and bonked her head on our booth.. I don't know how she even fell but she was really upset. Brandon was bothered. I tried getting Lily to eat but she was exhausted and wouldn't eat. She kept crying and Brandon actually was like just don't, I don't want to hear that. I was like really cause she has to eat and she's tired. Thinking like wtf. Meanwhile he's like yelling at me cause she's standing on the booth seat again and he's worried and he's like just don't I'm not ok with that. Mind you, I'm holding onto her and it's not like she's standing on the table, it's the seat.. the same one I'm on and she's looking out the window. I told him stop worrying about it. After the 3rd time he said something and I told him it was fine he stopped. That happened before I tried to get her to eat.
So the ride home is about 35 minutes. I figure and had planned to bring it up yesterday to him about him being depressed and what he was planning on doing for himself. Big mistake. For whatever reason he brings up Pot and how he thinks it should be legal and used for medical reasons. I told him I totally agree but his issues of avoidance do not qualify for medical the way most. His back pain doesn't qualify. He didn't like that. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore because he doesn't like it when people disagree with him. I told him you know not everyone is going to agree with you and that's ok. Nothing to get upset about and you can have a conversation with different opinions. I apparently was shitting on him. So then he goes into how drugs are bad to put into your body. This all because I suggested he take prilosec for his hearburn! How in his anthropology class the pigmies have never seen heart disease or diabetes and it's due to no drugs. I told him that had to do with the way the eat not medication. And if he didn't want to take pills why was he smoking pot which was basically doing the same thing. That is when he told me to just stop talking which to me is aka shut up. He doesn't even want to talk so just stop talking because he's getting angry. I of course have to keep my cool because Lily is sleeping in the back seat. I tried hard not to cry I was so mad and upset. I didn't talk the rest of the ride home. We get to the house to drop him off and he says sorry for being an asshole. I told him that it was hard to tell someone you're worried about them when they shut you down. He goes into a speal about how his ex has made him into a bad guy by saying he was a bad boyfriend and he feels like shit even though he knows he didn't do anything wrong. And apparently I'm supposed to pay for that.. I think not. I just left. I was so upset. He was such a jerk. All I am is worried about him and wanted to try and talk to him about getting some help. He would rather blame the rest of the world for his problems than help himself. He even said that. I blame the world for making me how I am. I told him I take responsibility for how I am to other people. Really.. you can't take responsibility for your actions? I'm just so mad! This is the brother who I used to get along with, could talk to and have fun with. Now every time I try and talk to him, he's defensive and I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't understand, whatever and now... just stop talking. Ouch. I just want to punch some fucking sense into him because he won't even listen to what I have to say. Not listening to me is like saying your opinion doesn't matter so just don't even bother. He said he has his opinions and they are not going to change. I'm not trying to change his opinion but give him mine and maybe he can he more openminded by hearing someone else's opinion for once. Not shutting them down when they haven't even gotten anything out. Ahh I'm so mad still! Infuriating! I feel so disrespected. Ok, enough ranting.. even though I could probably go on and on because this has been going on for a very long time and just keeps getting worse and as always I don't know how to deal with him.
I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore for him! Don't want to not make him mad because he obviously doesn't care if he makes me mad. He's to involved with himself and oblivious to who he's hurting. Does he really expect people to hand him the world? I invite him over dinner when he's home from college because I enjoy hanging out and making sure he gets a home cooked meal. How can I do that if I can't even enjoy his company because he's just a jerk? He pushed my last button today and it's gonna be hard to be nice anymore. I'm usually so easy going but when you hurt me, I don't let that go.
Ok.. still ranting.. hmm gotta end on a good note... really don't want to go to bed mad.
So Lily, who is enough to cheer anyone up and brings light to all my dark tunnels I sometimes find myself in, is just amazing. I love her so much and more and more I find myself just in awe. She's so sweet and funny and loving. The other day she wanted a drink. I asked her what she wanted. She tells me juice. I get her apple juice and she takes a swig and hands it back to me and says no milk. I get her milk. She takes a swig and says no juice. So I gave her both cups. She's having a grand old time swigging from both cups, apple juice and milk, quite the combo. She puts them both on top of this box in my kitchen and says Mommy, cute. I look at her in uncertainty, did she just say cute? I said what? She nods her head and says Cute, very cute. Her cups are cute.. who knew! Michael comes home and I get her to tell Micheal how cute her cups are. Michael asks her if the dog is cute. Yes, doggie cute. He asks her if mommy is cute. Yes mommy cute. Michael asks if Daddy is cute. She says no! hahaha silly girl! I just love her and her sense of humor! :)
Ranting and raving all done! Night!
So today on another note, I went to Hardwick (Hickville) to visit my grandmother and my uncle from Boston was up for the weekend so it was like two for the price of one visit! I got my brother to come which was nice. It was great to see my uncle and grandmother. I really enjoy their company and Lily had a blast! She chased my grandmothers cat and laughed and had a great time. Tired her right out. Then we left and went to get pizza, just me and my brother. Lily fell and bonked her head on our booth.. I don't know how she even fell but she was really upset. Brandon was bothered. I tried getting Lily to eat but she was exhausted and wouldn't eat. She kept crying and Brandon actually was like just don't, I don't want to hear that. I was like really cause she has to eat and she's tired. Thinking like wtf. Meanwhile he's like yelling at me cause she's standing on the booth seat again and he's worried and he's like just don't I'm not ok with that. Mind you, I'm holding onto her and it's not like she's standing on the table, it's the seat.. the same one I'm on and she's looking out the window. I told him stop worrying about it. After the 3rd time he said something and I told him it was fine he stopped. That happened before I tried to get her to eat.
So the ride home is about 35 minutes. I figure and had planned to bring it up yesterday to him about him being depressed and what he was planning on doing for himself. Big mistake. For whatever reason he brings up Pot and how he thinks it should be legal and used for medical reasons. I told him I totally agree but his issues of avoidance do not qualify for medical the way most. His back pain doesn't qualify. He didn't like that. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore because he doesn't like it when people disagree with him. I told him you know not everyone is going to agree with you and that's ok. Nothing to get upset about and you can have a conversation with different opinions. I apparently was shitting on him. So then he goes into how drugs are bad to put into your body. This all because I suggested he take prilosec for his hearburn! How in his anthropology class the pigmies have never seen heart disease or diabetes and it's due to no drugs. I told him that had to do with the way the eat not medication. And if he didn't want to take pills why was he smoking pot which was basically doing the same thing. That is when he told me to just stop talking which to me is aka shut up. He doesn't even want to talk so just stop talking because he's getting angry. I of course have to keep my cool because Lily is sleeping in the back seat. I tried hard not to cry I was so mad and upset. I didn't talk the rest of the ride home. We get to the house to drop him off and he says sorry for being an asshole. I told him that it was hard to tell someone you're worried about them when they shut you down. He goes into a speal about how his ex has made him into a bad guy by saying he was a bad boyfriend and he feels like shit even though he knows he didn't do anything wrong. And apparently I'm supposed to pay for that.. I think not. I just left. I was so upset. He was such a jerk. All I am is worried about him and wanted to try and talk to him about getting some help. He would rather blame the rest of the world for his problems than help himself. He even said that. I blame the world for making me how I am. I told him I take responsibility for how I am to other people. Really.. you can't take responsibility for your actions? I'm just so mad! This is the brother who I used to get along with, could talk to and have fun with. Now every time I try and talk to him, he's defensive and I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't understand, whatever and now... just stop talking. Ouch. I just want to punch some fucking sense into him because he won't even listen to what I have to say. Not listening to me is like saying your opinion doesn't matter so just don't even bother. He said he has his opinions and they are not going to change. I'm not trying to change his opinion but give him mine and maybe he can he more openminded by hearing someone else's opinion for once. Not shutting them down when they haven't even gotten anything out. Ahh I'm so mad still! Infuriating! I feel so disrespected. Ok, enough ranting.. even though I could probably go on and on because this has been going on for a very long time and just keeps getting worse and as always I don't know how to deal with him.
I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore for him! Don't want to not make him mad because he obviously doesn't care if he makes me mad. He's to involved with himself and oblivious to who he's hurting. Does he really expect people to hand him the world? I invite him over dinner when he's home from college because I enjoy hanging out and making sure he gets a home cooked meal. How can I do that if I can't even enjoy his company because he's just a jerk? He pushed my last button today and it's gonna be hard to be nice anymore. I'm usually so easy going but when you hurt me, I don't let that go.
Ok.. still ranting.. hmm gotta end on a good note... really don't want to go to bed mad.
So Lily, who is enough to cheer anyone up and brings light to all my dark tunnels I sometimes find myself in, is just amazing. I love her so much and more and more I find myself just in awe. She's so sweet and funny and loving. The other day she wanted a drink. I asked her what she wanted. She tells me juice. I get her apple juice and she takes a swig and hands it back to me and says no milk. I get her milk. She takes a swig and says no juice. So I gave her both cups. She's having a grand old time swigging from both cups, apple juice and milk, quite the combo. She puts them both on top of this box in my kitchen and says Mommy, cute. I look at her in uncertainty, did she just say cute? I said what? She nods her head and says Cute, very cute. Her cups are cute.. who knew! Michael comes home and I get her to tell Micheal how cute her cups are. Michael asks her if the dog is cute. Yes, doggie cute. He asks her if mommy is cute. Yes mommy cute. Michael asks if Daddy is cute. She says no! hahaha silly girl! I just love her and her sense of humor! :)
Ranting and raving all done! Night!