More Dad stuff
So he took the Eng-e tube out. He doesn't want it in. He looks awful. He's sleeping alot which is good. It means he's not in pain. It's hard to have a conversation with him though when he keeps falling asleep when he's answering your question.
His stomach is so big but his face so thin. His legs and feet are swollen. His toes are blue. He's falling asleep with his eyes still open.
tomorrow morning i"m going to get an ultrasound with the hope to find out the sex of the baby so I can at least tell him that. If ha can't be there to meet the baby at least he will get a sense on what we're going to expect. It's something. Maybe then I can get a good red sox outfit for the baby in his honor because I know that's the first thing he would get for the baby. Cause it just wouldn't do to have get a blue one and if it's a girl.. she would need a pink red sox outfit. And vice versa.
I find it hard to talk to him to tell him the things I want to say. Mostly how I'm sorry he won't be there for so many things. I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass when I was younger. I know he had so many goals of things to do and he's not going to meet them. Like seeing Brandon graduate. See brandon play college ball or even one more game. See his grandbaby. Walk britt down the aisle. Many many more.
His birthday is June 10th... he'd be 50 and he's not going to make that.
How do you stand there and be calm, not cry and accept your dad dying? How is someone being eaten from the inside by cancer, how is that ok? Life can be cruel.
I find it pretty cruel that a man who was a chef all his life can no longer eat or have an appetite. He hasn't in a while.
I don't see how some people can believe in a god. I thought it was a nice concept at Michael's grandmother's funeral with the mass and such. She was 96 though.
Today I just remember why I don't believe in such a thing. It's just life and life can be cruel. No one is in control of that. No one should be.
Well, gotta get lots of rest for tomorrow. I'm glad it's Friday.
His stomach is so big but his face so thin. His legs and feet are swollen. His toes are blue. He's falling asleep with his eyes still open.
tomorrow morning i"m going to get an ultrasound with the hope to find out the sex of the baby so I can at least tell him that. If ha can't be there to meet the baby at least he will get a sense on what we're going to expect. It's something. Maybe then I can get a good red sox outfit for the baby in his honor because I know that's the first thing he would get for the baby. Cause it just wouldn't do to have get a blue one and if it's a girl.. she would need a pink red sox outfit. And vice versa.
I find it hard to talk to him to tell him the things I want to say. Mostly how I'm sorry he won't be there for so many things. I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass when I was younger. I know he had so many goals of things to do and he's not going to meet them. Like seeing Brandon graduate. See brandon play college ball or even one more game. See his grandbaby. Walk britt down the aisle. Many many more.
His birthday is June 10th... he'd be 50 and he's not going to make that.
How do you stand there and be calm, not cry and accept your dad dying? How is someone being eaten from the inside by cancer, how is that ok? Life can be cruel.
I find it pretty cruel that a man who was a chef all his life can no longer eat or have an appetite. He hasn't in a while.
I don't see how some people can believe in a god. I thought it was a nice concept at Michael's grandmother's funeral with the mass and such. She was 96 though.
Today I just remember why I don't believe in such a thing. It's just life and life can be cruel. No one is in control of that. No one should be.
Well, gotta get lots of rest for tomorrow. I'm glad it's Friday.