For my Princesses
I used to use this site when I was an emo child in high school.
I'm still an emo child and need a place to vent...
Are you sure you want to know the truth? This is it. Your last moment to turn back. Once you see someone's true colours you can never paint over them...
Around the time I graduated high school I started drinking and smoking pot ((which I was convinced was the root of all evil for so many years)).
Ironically enough - my grades went up.
At the end of my first semester of college I was dumped in a song. It was kind of sweet in a pathetic way. My best friend convinced me a party would be just what I needed to lift my spirits. She wanted me there to keep her safe. I was drunk before we arrived. It didn't take long for her to catch up and pass me. An hour in and she's falling down the stairs. Two hours in and I'm handcuffed in a locked room while she's shamelessly screwing some guy in the middle of the living room.
At school I had people making snide comments about my hickeys and bruised lips. The bra I wore that night is still stained after all the biting. My wrists still have scars from the handcuffs - and a few more I added myself.
I still can't listen to Regina Spektor without my hands shaking.
Without remembering how he mocked me with her lyrics...
"Come in to my world- I've got to show, show, show you
Come in to my bed - I've got to know, know, know you"
It only fits that the following lines are
"I have dreams of Orca Whales and Owls but I wake up fear"
This is when I started taking XaneX. When my family started finding massive bottles of cheap liquor laying around. I did anything and everything to avoid the memories and the pain that came along with them.
When I was eighteen I met the men who will forever control my heart. I still can not meet a single man without comparing him to one of the two - if not both.
When I was nineteen I got a message on MySpace to tell me the first guy I was ever with was dead. At the time we were still fighting. After he dropped me off at home on that memorable evening he went to brag to all of the people we knew about how he got the virgin no one else could...
I still see his smile in other people's faces...
When I was twenty the first person to attempt to befriend me in the no where town my parents moved us to, the person who stood up in the middle of class and called out my bullies on their own bullshit was killed in a hit-and-run. I will never forgive her for just leaving him there with his little brother. I will always carry this hatred in my heart.
When I was twenty another friend of mine passed away. It's sad that the memory of him that sticks out most in my mind is when him and another guy got into a fight over a stupid girl. The other guy spent the night in my car looking for a place to hide.
When I was twenty I moved in with the man I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with. If I could have been more patient we would probably still be together.
When I was twenty I found out I was pregnant because I had a miscarriage.
I will never forgive myself for this.
When I was twenty-one I ran as far as I could and ended up in Florida.
When I was twenty-one I moved back to Virginia and I realized nothing had changed, nor would it ever. I became very depressed. I was borrowing a couch and a car and drinking entirely too much.
When I was twenty-one the doctors tried to tell me I had herpes. They tried to tell me that if I ever found someone willing to be with me and if we ever had children that their little body could get covered in the disease and that their immune system would not be able to fight it.
This is when the drugs came back.
This is when the family - my family - I was living with basically kicked me out.
This is when one sad and lonely night I took an entire bottle of pills...followed by a sadder and lonelier morning when the people I've counted on the most turned their backs on me and would not give me a ride home from the hospital because sleep was more important.
Now this family won't talk to me, or even make eye contact, and these are the reasons why.
((and for the record - I don't have herpes, or any other STD for that matter. It took three months and four doctors to diagnose the problem, but that was not it.))
I'm still an emo child and need a place to vent...
Are you sure you want to know the truth? This is it. Your last moment to turn back. Once you see someone's true colours you can never paint over them...
Around the time I graduated high school I started drinking and smoking pot ((which I was convinced was the root of all evil for so many years)).
Ironically enough - my grades went up.
At the end of my first semester of college I was dumped in a song. It was kind of sweet in a pathetic way. My best friend convinced me a party would be just what I needed to lift my spirits. She wanted me there to keep her safe. I was drunk before we arrived. It didn't take long for her to catch up and pass me. An hour in and she's falling down the stairs. Two hours in and I'm handcuffed in a locked room while she's shamelessly screwing some guy in the middle of the living room.
At school I had people making snide comments about my hickeys and bruised lips. The bra I wore that night is still stained after all the biting. My wrists still have scars from the handcuffs - and a few more I added myself.
I still can't listen to Regina Spektor without my hands shaking.
Without remembering how he mocked me with her lyrics...
"Come in to my world- I've got to show, show, show you
Come in to my bed - I've got to know, know, know you"
It only fits that the following lines are
"I have dreams of Orca Whales and Owls but I wake up fear"
This is when I started taking XaneX. When my family started finding massive bottles of cheap liquor laying around. I did anything and everything to avoid the memories and the pain that came along with them.
When I was eighteen I met the men who will forever control my heart. I still can not meet a single man without comparing him to one of the two - if not both.
When I was nineteen I got a message on MySpace to tell me the first guy I was ever with was dead. At the time we were still fighting. After he dropped me off at home on that memorable evening he went to brag to all of the people we knew about how he got the virgin no one else could...
I still see his smile in other people's faces...
When I was twenty the first person to attempt to befriend me in the no where town my parents moved us to, the person who stood up in the middle of class and called out my bullies on their own bullshit was killed in a hit-and-run. I will never forgive her for just leaving him there with his little brother. I will always carry this hatred in my heart.
When I was twenty another friend of mine passed away. It's sad that the memory of him that sticks out most in my mind is when him and another guy got into a fight over a stupid girl. The other guy spent the night in my car looking for a place to hide.
When I was twenty I moved in with the man I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with. If I could have been more patient we would probably still be together.
When I was twenty I found out I was pregnant because I had a miscarriage.
I will never forgive myself for this.
When I was twenty-one I ran as far as I could and ended up in Florida.
When I was twenty-one I moved back to Virginia and I realized nothing had changed, nor would it ever. I became very depressed. I was borrowing a couch and a car and drinking entirely too much.
When I was twenty-one the doctors tried to tell me I had herpes. They tried to tell me that if I ever found someone willing to be with me and if we ever had children that their little body could get covered in the disease and that their immune system would not be able to fight it.
This is when the drugs came back.
This is when the family - my family - I was living with basically kicked me out.
This is when one sad and lonely night I took an entire bottle of pills...followed by a sadder and lonelier morning when the people I've counted on the most turned their backs on me and would not give me a ride home from the hospital because sleep was more important.
Now this family won't talk to me, or even make eye contact, and these are the reasons why.
((and for the record - I don't have herpes, or any other STD for that matter. It took three months and four doctors to diagnose the problem, but that was not it.))