>You're the one with the attitude, don't try and make me out to be the route of the evil
Welcome to Hell.
That's what I have turned this house into. I'm waiting to go to college, not even that long, mind you. I know I'm not going to get into a university and everyone fucking knows that, and if you say other wise you're a liar. So I'm going to a community college for two years and then I'm transferring. But I'm waiting until after the fall semester to enroll. In the long run, it's a good idea. It gives me time to get a job and try and work so maybe I'll at least be able to pay for my own fucking text books. Also, I get overwhelmed so easily, if you know me you know that. And for me to graduate in June and have school start in August (I'm referring to after I graduate from college here) and for me to try and decide in two months where I want to be and where I want to work and all that crap, I'd go insane.
And the biggest problem is that my mom has no problem with me moving out while until I go to school and moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to job then a fucking hour away. And the worst part is I don't even know if I'll have my car by then, I don't even have a goddamn license. But the main deal is she wants me to live at home while I'm going to school. You all know how much I hate this place. And I can't get any work done here, or at the apt, basically I can't get any work done when I'm living with them, that's one of the reasons for my sucky ass grades. The only reason why they're up now is because I don't talk to fucking anyone at the school and I spend the half an hour before first period doing work. I spend an extra time I have in classes getting work done because I know it won't be an option once I get home. It's just too loud here, and I don't know, it's just a different kind of loud then I can work in. I can do work at lunch, in a classroom, in the library with twenty different songs playing and a dozen conversations, but here I have a TV pushed up against the wall btw my bed and it (and it's always fucking on). I have people who can't respect my privacy enough to even knock on my door before they open it and walk in and start a conversation at any given time - it doesn't matter what the hell I'm doing. Shit, I got more done work at my grandparents while I've got four adults talking to me and I had to put my book down every three seconds to run after a one year old, and I still got my fucking business law homework done.
Then my mom is telling me that I move out I'm going to be screwed and I'm not going to get any work done because I won't be able to afford my own computer. First of all, I'm not ending up like her. I'm not living with my parents until I'm in my thirties and getting stuck in a marriage with someone who only plans their own demise, as well as my own...
Second of all, I've been promised for the last four years a laptop for my high school graduation gift, but why the fuck should I believe that, right?
It'll be like how they promised me a hamster before school started (and I never would have gotten Stewie if I didn't take the money out of my own damn pocket and go to Petco without them)
It'll be like how they promised me they'd take me to take the test for my permit before the end of February of my soph. year (I got it at the end of my Jr and only because Samantha kept bitching)
It'll be like how they promised me it would be easy for me to still go to Williamsburg so I could stay in touch with my friends
It'll be like when they told me I could join Book Club, I could join Academic Challenge, I could join Key Club, I could join all of the shit that I wanted and they'd find a way to make it so I could participate. I've basically already dropped out of Key Club because I could never make it to any of the events unless someone else could take me and since we live no where near anyone else who isn't white trash, that didn't work out so well. I'm this close to dropping fucking Academic Challenge because my asshole dad can never pick me up from it without bitching me out about it, and plus what fun is a team when almost all of the players hate you? The one doesn't only because he wants to get in your pants - the other acts like your best friend until his girlfriend shows up. And Book Club, he's never done shit as far as that goes. Someone else always takes us, Ms B always brings us back.
How fucked up is it when your parents are actually resentful that you want to make yourself better? Pissed off because you actually want to follow your dreams and do what your heart wants, I thought that's what parents were suppose to want for their kids, not hate their kids for wanting. It's not even like I want to become a fucking prostitute or something, I want to go to college, I want to become a special education teacher. And yet there's something about that that's so evil that anytime I even mention college I everyone gets silent, and everyone's eyes turn to ice.
The thing that really gets me going about them is that the one thing they have taught me (outside of who I never want to be) is how much I hate codependency. And the worst part is they have always been the ones I couldn't depend on. I hate having to rely on other people to do the things that I want, like volunteering or participating in a club. But more then anything I hate relying on people for the things that I need.
But it also bothers me when other people rely on me... to some extent, I like it. I love knowing that people knowing that they can turn to me. But I hate it when people who never want to say two words to me come up and ask for money. I hate it when people who already picked a partner ask me for help on their project. I hate group projects that I complete. I hate it when people who never talk to me come to me when they need to dump their shit on someone, all the while knowing that I could never rely on these people to do the same for me.
I am just so full of hate it's unbelievable. But above all of this petty hate, I hate myself. There are occasional days when I can see a good quality or two in myself or in living at all, but these days are so few and so far between. I just don't see the point of living, at least not this life. There's no joy to it, and with all this resentment that I can't let go of (I've tried, but I just fucking can't) I will not be able to make myself happy. I could sever the ties that bound and gag but my happiness would be rounded with guilt.
Oh, and to top all this bullshit off, my (now ex)boyfriend has been fucking someone...and I'll give you one guess as to who it isn't.
That's what I have turned this house into. I'm waiting to go to college, not even that long, mind you. I know I'm not going to get into a university and everyone fucking knows that, and if you say other wise you're a liar. So I'm going to a community college for two years and then I'm transferring. But I'm waiting until after the fall semester to enroll. In the long run, it's a good idea. It gives me time to get a job and try and work so maybe I'll at least be able to pay for my own fucking text books. Also, I get overwhelmed so easily, if you know me you know that. And for me to graduate in June and have school start in August (I'm referring to after I graduate from college here) and for me to try and decide in two months where I want to be and where I want to work and all that crap, I'd go insane.
And the biggest problem is that my mom has no problem with me moving out while until I go to school and moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to job then a fucking hour away. And the worst part is I don't even know if I'll have my car by then, I don't even have a goddamn license. But the main deal is she wants me to live at home while I'm going to school. You all know how much I hate this place. And I can't get any work done here, or at the apt, basically I can't get any work done when I'm living with them, that's one of the reasons for my sucky ass grades. The only reason why they're up now is because I don't talk to fucking anyone at the school and I spend the half an hour before first period doing work. I spend an extra time I have in classes getting work done because I know it won't be an option once I get home. It's just too loud here, and I don't know, it's just a different kind of loud then I can work in. I can do work at lunch, in a classroom, in the library with twenty different songs playing and a dozen conversations, but here I have a TV pushed up against the wall btw my bed and it (and it's always fucking on). I have people who can't respect my privacy enough to even knock on my door before they open it and walk in and start a conversation at any given time - it doesn't matter what the hell I'm doing. Shit, I got more done work at my grandparents while I've got four adults talking to me and I had to put my book down every three seconds to run after a one year old, and I still got my fucking business law homework done.
Then my mom is telling me that I move out I'm going to be screwed and I'm not going to get any work done because I won't be able to afford my own computer. First of all, I'm not ending up like her. I'm not living with my parents until I'm in my thirties and getting stuck in a marriage with someone who only plans their own demise, as well as my own...
Second of all, I've been promised for the last four years a laptop for my high school graduation gift, but why the fuck should I believe that, right?
It'll be like how they promised me a hamster before school started (and I never would have gotten Stewie if I didn't take the money out of my own damn pocket and go to Petco without them)
It'll be like how they promised me they'd take me to take the test for my permit before the end of February of my soph. year (I got it at the end of my Jr and only because Samantha kept bitching)
It'll be like how they promised me it would be easy for me to still go to Williamsburg so I could stay in touch with my friends
It'll be like when they told me I could join Book Club, I could join Academic Challenge, I could join Key Club, I could join all of the shit that I wanted and they'd find a way to make it so I could participate. I've basically already dropped out of Key Club because I could never make it to any of the events unless someone else could take me and since we live no where near anyone else who isn't white trash, that didn't work out so well. I'm this close to dropping fucking Academic Challenge because my asshole dad can never pick me up from it without bitching me out about it, and plus what fun is a team when almost all of the players hate you? The one doesn't only because he wants to get in your pants - the other acts like your best friend until his girlfriend shows up. And Book Club, he's never done shit as far as that goes. Someone else always takes us, Ms B always brings us back.
How fucked up is it when your parents are actually resentful that you want to make yourself better? Pissed off because you actually want to follow your dreams and do what your heart wants, I thought that's what parents were suppose to want for their kids, not hate their kids for wanting. It's not even like I want to become a fucking prostitute or something, I want to go to college, I want to become a special education teacher. And yet there's something about that that's so evil that anytime I even mention college I everyone gets silent, and everyone's eyes turn to ice.
The thing that really gets me going about them is that the one thing they have taught me (outside of who I never want to be) is how much I hate codependency. And the worst part is they have always been the ones I couldn't depend on. I hate having to rely on other people to do the things that I want, like volunteering or participating in a club. But more then anything I hate relying on people for the things that I need.
But it also bothers me when other people rely on me... to some extent, I like it. I love knowing that people knowing that they can turn to me. But I hate it when people who never want to say two words to me come up and ask for money. I hate it when people who already picked a partner ask me for help on their project. I hate group projects that I complete. I hate it when people who never talk to me come to me when they need to dump their shit on someone, all the while knowing that I could never rely on these people to do the same for me.
I am just so full of hate it's unbelievable. But above all of this petty hate, I hate myself. There are occasional days when I can see a good quality or two in myself or in living at all, but these days are so few and so far between. I just don't see the point of living, at least not this life. There's no joy to it, and with all this resentment that I can't let go of (I've tried, but I just fucking can't) I will not be able to make myself happy. I could sever the ties that bound and gag but my happiness would be rounded with guilt.
Oh, and to top all this bullshit off, my (now ex)boyfriend has been fucking someone...and I'll give you one guess as to who it isn't.