thanksgiving tragidy
I don't know why I even try. I have no purpose being here any longer. I am just a parasite. I am the unwanted pest. Well pests are never wanted. Thats why they are called pests. Anyways I am officially giving up. I think when I have enough money I'm gunna move to California... maybe even Alaska. Somewhere far far away.
Thanksgiving I felt so unwanted. I know I am unwanted in my family. I am not perfect like everyone else. I just wish they could except me for who I am. But they won't. I spent half the day in my room alone.... crying. At dinner all my mom did was put me down and point out my faults. My little brother was rude to me. My brother and his wife are too caught up in eachother to notice me. I won't even go into it about my father. As far as I am concerned I am just a figment of his imagination. I didn't realize how much I can't stand my family until now. What am I thankful for? I'm thankful for the fact that I am leaving this shitty town in less then 2 years. "You can't pick your family". But why did God have to stick me with such an insensative family. They say they love me but I honestlt can say that they would not care about me if I were to leave.
As if Thanksgiving wasn't already bad enough, I decided to hang out with Jeremy and Katie. Another bust. I swear I need new friends. I need a new life. I need to be someone other than me. Katie and I decided to hang out, we thought it would be a good idea to include Jeremy. We show up at his work, he doesn't look happy to see us at all, well me. We went back to my house to have some Thanksgiving pie, Katie and I had apple and Jeremy had some pumpkin pie. He sat as far as he could sit away from me. It kinda hurt. Everything I said he kept making a smart ass remark towards. I started playing my guitar, because I wanted to show katie something. He looks at me and says I'm gunna go now. I just stared blankly at him. I said fine, you can go. Then he said does this mean I don't ever have to come back? Wow could this hurt anymore? I think so. I held back the tears and he looked at me and said "Annie I'm Joking" and laughed. We continued to talk for a bit then we moved into the living room. He continued to say smart ass remarks towards me. I am strong but it hurt. Sasha (my sister in law) and I kinda started to play fight. Of course I get yelled at by my dad. Then Jeremy said Shes the more responcable one thats why you got in trouble... or something along the line of this. I was sick of it. I told him to get out jokingly. He just continued to laugh. By this point i was fed up. I said in a stern voice get out now. He got up and started to leave. I felt bad and followed him out to his car. He rolled down the window and yelled "the one time i say something you tell me to get out" then screamed "FUCK YOU". I felt so bad. I decided to appologize so i went to his house and knocked on his door. He told me he was sick of my bullshit and if i didnt leave him alone he was going to call the cops. HES SICK OF MY BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE FUCK? HES SICK OF MY BULLSHIT?
I'm sick of feeling the way i do and not knowing how he feels. I'm sick of him coming over and hanging out w/me and being too interested in other things. I wish for once he would act like my friend. I am so tired of being nice to him and him be mean to me. I just wanted to see him happy. I'm so sick and tired of trying. I give everything my all and it just backfires. I am tired of trying. I am tired of life. I want a new one. I swear.
On other news I found out a kid I knew from high school overdosed and died. The girl he was with was a friend of mine. Tara made it out, she overdosed but they were able to revive her. As for George... he didn't make it. It's kinda weird. Kinda sureal. It made me think about all the friends who have come and gone. I just pray to god that my friends know never to do anything that stupid. and then i think about him. God if i were to loose him... no matter how much we fight and how much he upsets me and how much he hates me.... if i were to loose him i dont know what i would do. I remember when nathan got pulled over for a dui. it scared me shitless. He has wised up now, and hes smarter now. I suppose you need a good kick in the face to realize how dumb you are. But i hope it doesnt lead to overdose. I don't want to have to go to anyones funeral anytime soon.
so on thanksgiving you know what i am thankful for? i am thankful for the fact that i am too weak to kill myself... because right now with everything thats going on in my life, suicide would be an easy way out... and i want the easy way out.
if love is a labor ill slave to the end
i wont cross these streets till you hold my hand.
for once i just want someone to feel the same way i do. for once i would give anything. one moment to have someone love me. i just want to be loved. but i'm starting to believe thats even too much to ask for...
einna
Thanksgiving I felt so unwanted. I know I am unwanted in my family. I am not perfect like everyone else. I just wish they could except me for who I am. But they won't. I spent half the day in my room alone.... crying. At dinner all my mom did was put me down and point out my faults. My little brother was rude to me. My brother and his wife are too caught up in eachother to notice me. I won't even go into it about my father. As far as I am concerned I am just a figment of his imagination. I didn't realize how much I can't stand my family until now. What am I thankful for? I'm thankful for the fact that I am leaving this shitty town in less then 2 years. "You can't pick your family". But why did God have to stick me with such an insensative family. They say they love me but I honestlt can say that they would not care about me if I were to leave.
As if Thanksgiving wasn't already bad enough, I decided to hang out with Jeremy and Katie. Another bust. I swear I need new friends. I need a new life. I need to be someone other than me. Katie and I decided to hang out, we thought it would be a good idea to include Jeremy. We show up at his work, he doesn't look happy to see us at all, well me. We went back to my house to have some Thanksgiving pie, Katie and I had apple and Jeremy had some pumpkin pie. He sat as far as he could sit away from me. It kinda hurt. Everything I said he kept making a smart ass remark towards. I started playing my guitar, because I wanted to show katie something. He looks at me and says I'm gunna go now. I just stared blankly at him. I said fine, you can go. Then he said does this mean I don't ever have to come back? Wow could this hurt anymore? I think so. I held back the tears and he looked at me and said "Annie I'm Joking" and laughed. We continued to talk for a bit then we moved into the living room. He continued to say smart ass remarks towards me. I am strong but it hurt. Sasha (my sister in law) and I kinda started to play fight. Of course I get yelled at by my dad. Then Jeremy said Shes the more responcable one thats why you got in trouble... or something along the line of this. I was sick of it. I told him to get out jokingly. He just continued to laugh. By this point i was fed up. I said in a stern voice get out now. He got up and started to leave. I felt bad and followed him out to his car. He rolled down the window and yelled "the one time i say something you tell me to get out" then screamed "FUCK YOU". I felt so bad. I decided to appologize so i went to his house and knocked on his door. He told me he was sick of my bullshit and if i didnt leave him alone he was going to call the cops. HES SICK OF MY BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE FUCK? HES SICK OF MY BULLSHIT?
I'm sick of feeling the way i do and not knowing how he feels. I'm sick of him coming over and hanging out w/me and being too interested in other things. I wish for once he would act like my friend. I am so tired of being nice to him and him be mean to me. I just wanted to see him happy. I'm so sick and tired of trying. I give everything my all and it just backfires. I am tired of trying. I am tired of life. I want a new one. I swear.
On other news I found out a kid I knew from high school overdosed and died. The girl he was with was a friend of mine. Tara made it out, she overdosed but they were able to revive her. As for George... he didn't make it. It's kinda weird. Kinda sureal. It made me think about all the friends who have come and gone. I just pray to god that my friends know never to do anything that stupid. and then i think about him. God if i were to loose him... no matter how much we fight and how much he upsets me and how much he hates me.... if i were to loose him i dont know what i would do. I remember when nathan got pulled over for a dui. it scared me shitless. He has wised up now, and hes smarter now. I suppose you need a good kick in the face to realize how dumb you are. But i hope it doesnt lead to overdose. I don't want to have to go to anyones funeral anytime soon.
so on thanksgiving you know what i am thankful for? i am thankful for the fact that i am too weak to kill myself... because right now with everything thats going on in my life, suicide would be an easy way out... and i want the easy way out.
if love is a labor ill slave to the end
i wont cross these streets till you hold my hand.
for once i just want someone to feel the same way i do. for once i would give anything. one moment to have someone love me. i just want to be loved. but i'm starting to believe thats even too much to ask for...
einna