Give me the strength and the courage [To believe that Ill get there someday]
[What are you doing? What are you thinking? What do you think you’re doing?]
He can hear Ray’s laughter from where he’s sitting on the back deck. He glances up from his work to watch the little boy race across the sand. He is being pursued at what Ames knows is a leisurely pace by Jondy pretending to be something. She slips and falls, also a farce and Ray collapses in giggles next to her. She’s wearing a very tiny bikini and it’s occurred to Ames that perhaps she should cover up but Ray is ten and he doesn’t care. He puts his book to the side and stands up, walking to the edge of the covered deck to watch closer.
“Come play with us, Dad!” Ray yells and Ames shakes his head.
“Perhaps in a little while,” he yells back as his eyes move to Jondy. Her pale skin is exposed in the bikini and unmarked. They’ve been here almost a week and he hasn’t hit her once because he’s a monster, make no mistake, but Jondy is Ray’s babysitter, his bodyguard. His son loves her and he’s not going to hurt him that way. Ray doesn’t know that his father killed his mother and he never will. He’ll also never know that his father beats his babysitter on a semi regular basis because what she is and what she represents pisses him off so badly he can’t control it.
Only he can, and this trip is proof of that. He watches as Jondy herds Ray up the beach into the house. “Go change and take a shower. I’ll come play video games with you in a little while. Maybe tonight we’ll do something else fun.”
Ames stops her, a hand on her bicep and the pressure isn’t quite enough to leave a bruise but its there. Something inside him aches to see her skin blossom purple and black because of him and he grinds his teeth. His hand releases her arm and then ghosts up her skin to press his fingertips against her brow bone and then her cheekbone. He usually makes certain she has a black eye at least every couple of weeks but not this time.
“You okay?” she asks and he shakes his head. He has no god damn idea what he’s doing here with a transgenic, playing house and playing nice and being so fucking domesticated with her. And yet at the same time he knows the answers. She makes him feel things. She makes him want things and she makes it so that the world isn’t numb. His world was black and white and then Jondy traipsed through it. Now he doesn’t understand how things are supposed to go or what he’s supposed to do. Most of all he doesn’t know how to justify this, or anything else in his life at the moment.
“Go play with Ray. I’m going to walk down the beach.”
He doesn’t offer an explanation and she doesn’t ask for one. They’re both walking on eggshells, trying to make certain he doesn’t have a reason to hit her, when the truth is: he doesn’t need one. He’s a sick, twisted, bastard. A monster and he doesn’t know how to be anything else. He’s afraid that he’s learning though and he’s more afraid that she’s teaching him.
He can hear Ray’s laughter from where he’s sitting on the back deck. He glances up from his work to watch the little boy race across the sand. He is being pursued at what Ames knows is a leisurely pace by Jondy pretending to be something. She slips and falls, also a farce and Ray collapses in giggles next to her. She’s wearing a very tiny bikini and it’s occurred to Ames that perhaps she should cover up but Ray is ten and he doesn’t care. He puts his book to the side and stands up, walking to the edge of the covered deck to watch closer.
“Come play with us, Dad!” Ray yells and Ames shakes his head.
“Perhaps in a little while,” he yells back as his eyes move to Jondy. Her pale skin is exposed in the bikini and unmarked. They’ve been here almost a week and he hasn’t hit her once because he’s a monster, make no mistake, but Jondy is Ray’s babysitter, his bodyguard. His son loves her and he’s not going to hurt him that way. Ray doesn’t know that his father killed his mother and he never will. He’ll also never know that his father beats his babysitter on a semi regular basis because what she is and what she represents pisses him off so badly he can’t control it.
Only he can, and this trip is proof of that. He watches as Jondy herds Ray up the beach into the house. “Go change and take a shower. I’ll come play video games with you in a little while. Maybe tonight we’ll do something else fun.”
Ames stops her, a hand on her bicep and the pressure isn’t quite enough to leave a bruise but its there. Something inside him aches to see her skin blossom purple and black because of him and he grinds his teeth. His hand releases her arm and then ghosts up her skin to press his fingertips against her brow bone and then her cheekbone. He usually makes certain she has a black eye at least every couple of weeks but not this time.
“You okay?” she asks and he shakes his head. He has no god damn idea what he’s doing here with a transgenic, playing house and playing nice and being so fucking domesticated with her. And yet at the same time he knows the answers. She makes him feel things. She makes him want things and she makes it so that the world isn’t numb. His world was black and white and then Jondy traipsed through it. Now he doesn’t understand how things are supposed to go or what he’s supposed to do. Most of all he doesn’t know how to justify this, or anything else in his life at the moment.
“Go play with Ray. I’m going to walk down the beach.”
He doesn’t offer an explanation and she doesn’t ask for one. They’re both walking on eggshells, trying to make certain he doesn’t have a reason to hit her, when the truth is: he doesn’t need one. He’s a sick, twisted, bastard. A monster and he doesn’t know how to be anything else. He’s afraid that he’s learning though and he’s more afraid that she’s teaching him.