I Can't Do This**

[painfullytaken]

well...it has been a week today that me and jamie have been apart...and to tell you the truth..I don't konw if I can do this or not...I saw him today...and just seeing him...and tlaking to him...it's killed me...I miss him so much..I have called and there is no answer..I guess this is the part where I go crying back...but I don't want to do that becaues then I am weak...but life's just not the same..I feel like i have no reason that i should raise out of the bed...when I go to sleep..i pray that i don't wake for I have no one to share the day with...I have no one that I can call when I get home and see how their day was..I don't have someone I can call to tell good morning and tell them how much i missed sleeping next to them, how much I missed being wrapped in the arms all through the night...I miss jamie and all that he brought me...I know that I was crying everytime that he left and I had people all around me telling me that it wouldn't work...and i guess they were right....but god what I wouldn't give just to have one more day with him....but in the end i would be depressed because as the day ended I would be wishing for just one more...there's no way that I could tell him all of this..because he would just smile and say I know...and nod....it's killing me..I thought that what we had was real...I actually thought that it was something that I could depend on but I guess that life must carry on....it just sucks that I don't have anyone to really fall back on....I love him I really do..i can't do anytihng without thinking about him..no matter where I am..there are memories there and no matter how much I try..I can't stop thinking about him..I sleep comforted by my tears and the thought of knowing that he is not beside me....I hate getting up becuase i know that i can't call him and say all of the things that i once did...I hate it...I wish that i did have some sense of strength that I could just let go and move on...that I could just find someone else and say fuck it...but I don't even look at other people anymore..i'm just not interested in them....it's like I have lost everything that i have ever felt for another person..and to be honest..I don't want anyone else...the only time that i think I will let go for sure is when he tells me to....but not until then...God..what i wouldn't give just to tlak to him right now..just for a minute...hearing his voice settles me...it gives me a security and serenity that I can't reach anywhere else...he has made me realize things that were always there..he made me notice things..he has helped me find myself....but i don't see how he has showed me so much and taken so much away at the same time..I can't even look at the sunset the same way anymore....I can't listen to the songs that get stuck in my mind..when they come on I turn it off or walk away...i don't go the places that we used to go because i feel as if i am haunted by his presence...I drive by his work just to see his truck and remeber all of the times that we have had..all of the times we have been stuck..all the times that we were camping and just out getting away from the world...I miss that..i miss everything that we had...I even miss the fights because making up was so great....just to be in his arms and kissed on the forehead....i miss him pulling my hair and tucking it behind my ears..i miss the way he used to rub my back and arms before we would go to sleep...i miss the way that he would always tell me that he missed me and that he cared..I miss it all...I don't know what i am going to do..I need to just get out of this town and get away from his presence...get away from these memories...but then I would just feel lonliness and be destroyed becaues i would never know what could've been...maybe I am just obsessed and crazy and need to grow up and get over it..maybe I am just being ignorant and get over it all....I don't know...I feel lost....i feel like there is no where that i belong....i feel abandoned...i used to love life....and i used to want to die more than anything....i used to be miserable...and i used to be happy...but all things change...maybe I will someday move on and find someone that loves me for who I am...maybe i will meet them and be happy and have my life...or maybe i will be miserable for the rest of my life...dwelling on the past and things that i have fucked up....or maybe I will never see tomorrow...

...Only If My Eyes Open In Th Morning Hour Will I Know...