Lethargy.
Title: Lethargy
Author: painful_love_13
Rating: R/NC-17
Pairing: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way
POV: Third; Switches focus
Summary: Bert is a 21 year old man who’s focusing on trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Gerard is a 16 year old boy who was thrown into the world of prostitution and is searching for a way out. The boys meet and their love changes them forever.
Disclaimer: It’s not real whatsoever. (Like I know their lives…)
Dedications: consistant for writing A Day In The Life Of Misery, I ♥ you all!
Warnings: very descriptive slash, abuse, cutting, suicide, death, drugs, alcohol, depression, bulimia, and whoring.
Chapters:
Prologue: It's Hard To Tell With A Life Like This.
Lethargy.
n. apathetic and drowsy behavior; absence of emotion, being half-asleep.
It’s a force so strong when we see the dark sides of ourselves. To force ourselves into a corner. To block out what we want not to see in ourselves. When we let those dark sides come forward to plead their case, it’s to see the truth. And ultimately, to change us and twist us into something different than ourselves forever.
++
Two weeks later
It’s late night in New Jersey, and the air is still fresh with the remnants of what used to be a young night. Down inside a dark underground club, where many people of the night go to drink, listen to bands, and have a good time, a band is performing tonight. It’s their first inside somewhere other than a basement or garage. They are filled with adrenaline and the music they create. The crowd watching them moves to the voice of the man fronting the band.
A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
He gave heed to nothing, and all that he was...
Is just a tragedy…
His body language says how he feels, revealing himself to the audience. Past his inky black hair that was covering his eyes, he sees with his bright blue eyes the only person he knows within the crowd…Jamie. His love, at least, he thinks so. He wouldn’t be with her if that wasn’t the case.
Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was...
Is just a tragedy…
The song’s almost over, and Bert knows what will happen when it is over. It’s become routine.
He feels alone
His heart in his hand
He's alone
He feels alone
I feel...
Then on that last day he breaks
And he stood tall
And he yelled, and he yelled...
and he takes his life…
The crowd screams, loving every minute of this band, the band that now planned on having a little fun of their own.
“Thank you, we’re The Used,” Bert says over the crowd. “Thank you.”
He walks off the stage with his bandmates and watches as Jamie walks over to them. “You guys were great!” She hugs Bert. “It’s so hot to know I’m dating a member of the band.” She smiles at them. Bert smiles back and kisses her. “Now, how about we grab some beers and fucking celebrate!” Quinn said to the group. “Of course!” Jeph said. “I have to talk to Bert for a second, so go on, all right?” Jamie said. “Sure.” Quinn said. As the others walked away, Jamie turned back to Bert.
“Listen…I just want to remind you of our talk two weeks ago--”
“Jamie, listen, I won’t get drunk, alright?”
“That’s not enough for me. It’s okay if you want to drink yourself senseless, I mean, if that’s what you want to do, then do it. But when you do it every night, it becomes a problem, Bert.”
Silence.
“And you won’t tell me a thing that’s going on with you, you just shut everyone out of whatever you’re feeling, and I’m getting tired of it. I want to help you! I’m not going to judge you or any shit like that, just let me in, damn it!”
Silence.
“I’m your girlfriend--no, I’m your fiancée. Remember? You’re supposed to be able to tell me anything. No secrets…”
Silence.
“I love you, you know.”
Silence.
“Fine. You don’t want help, I get it now. But I’ll still try. I love you.”
As Jamie walked away, Bert said, “I know you love me.”
Jamie turned around at that, looked at Bert and said, “You don’t act like it.” Then she disappeared into the crowd. Bert leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.
I hate this.
++
Gerard was standing outside inside an ally listening to the music coming out of the open window of the building in front of him. Frank and Cassy were a few blocks down, doing whatever, Gerard didn’t know. It’s hard to guess when you’re out here, not knowing what will happen to you. Gerard knows yet is still afraid of those dangers. He needed to get away, and so his solitude led him here.
Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was...
Is just a tragedy…
Whoever is singing must be pouring their heart out in those words.
Gerard closes his eyes. Something about this song just spoke to him, whether it was the words or the person singing them, it was just…something.
Then on that last day he breaks
And he stood tall
And he yelled, and he yelled...
and he takes his life…
The song ends and sends Gerard into an almost calm state. He hears the crowd scream out to the band. He opens his eyes and lights a cigarette, inhaling the sweet cancerous air coming from it. He exhales and sighs with contentment.
This world is now his own, trapping him with her arms.
++
Bert decided to just leave the club and walk around for a bit. He needed to think, needed to get Jamie’s voice out of his head. Do you love her? Well, of course he does. He wouldn’t be marrying her if he didn’t, right?
Sometimes when it comes to marriage, love is not the case.
He rephrased the question in his mind. How do you love her? Now he had something to think about. Did he still love her as a lover? Or as a sister? If it’s the latter Bert wouldn’t know what to do with himself. How many blocks has he walked now? No idea. Maybe he hasn’t even made one yet. He’s too deep in his own thoughts to care.
He could see all of the darkness lurking inside every corner of this neighborhood. A neighborhood where you shouldn’t really be walking alone. He didn’t care. Maybe he could go back to Jamie’s apartment and just wait until they all came back. He didn’t have any real reason to stay out here, anyways.
He finally decides to go home, but before that he goes to the convenience store at the end of the street and picked up four six-packs. He would have to go against everything Jamie and he talked about, but it was worth it in his mind. He planned on getting drunk, and he was going to do it. It was an addiction to him, preventing him to feel any pain, or to cause that to happen again.
He walked out of the store with this in mind, and as he headed back the way he came, he couldn’t help but see everything around him for what it was. Just a place where fear was growing and you had to watch everything you did, said, and what’s going on around you. For a place with that much sin, you’d think that a priest would jump out at you suddenly and try to save your soul just by being in this place just to walk in it. But it didn’t matter to Bert just then. What mattered was getting home and downing the beer he bought before Jamie and his bandmates--also friends--came home to stop him…at least Jamie would stop him.
He was almost out the neighborhood when he saw someone deep within the shadows of the alley behind the club he was just in a few moments ago. He didn’t know what stopped him from walking further, curiosity, or maybe something else. But whatever it was, it kept him there, in that spot.
And then he saw it.
That someone was staring right back at him, only with a very different pair of eyes.
These were a wild contrast to Bert’s blue ones; these seemed to shake Bert’s core, the life inside of those eyes coursing through him. These eyes were a brilliant brown mixed together with green, like silent lovers different but still the same. Bert knew what he wanted to do next was probably one of the most stupidest things he had ever done in his life, but that didn’t stop him from doing it.
There was something about this person in the shadows that told him that this person didn’t have ill intentions and that this person just didn’t fit in this setting that this person and Bert so easily put themselves in. He just walked over to this person and realized that this person was a boy. It almost shocked him to find someone who looked at least seventeen in a place like this.
What was he doing here?
++
Gerard looked up at this stranger with surprise. He did see this man stop to look at him like he was some kind of spectacle to be stared at. He knew he couldn’t see how he looked but he could see how the man looked and wondered where he was going. Why, of all the people that passed by, that this man had seemed to notice him? Actually noticed him. Like he wanted to be noticed. At least by the right kind of people.
You’ve found me. What do you want?
What the man wanted was innocent, not at all what Gerard was thinking.
Silence.
The man finally spoke saying, “Shouldn’t you be…anywhere but here?”
Good question.
Going ‘Anywhere but here’ seemed impossible to Gerard now, but this new stranger had reopened that possibility somehow. Gerard looked directly at the man and said, “I’m where I want to be.”
“Ah,” was all he said to the boy standing in front of him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I am.” Gerard smiled at him after that.
The man returned that smile with is own. Suddenly, a familiar voice was heard and both boys turned to the source.
“Gee, baby, there you are!”
Gerard recognized instantly the white that surrounded the beautiful creature walking toward them and that white-blond hair and knew who it was. Cassy. The girl was standing in front of the man who had talked to him just moments before and looked at him skeptically. Gerard was about to tell her that he meant no harm but stopped himself, because he didn’t really know that, and also he had no idea what to say as he just met the man.
“Who is this you’re with, Gee?” Cassy said to break the silence.
“He’s--umm--er--” Gerard responded.
Cassy looked back at Gerard. She her face changed like she just realized something and then gave Gerard a small smile that was meant to be subtle and said, “Well, I’m afraid I have to snatch him away, cutie,” Cassy said to the man in a voice dripping with seductive sweetness. Gerard will never know how Cassy can make her voice change like that. Cassy takes Gerard’s hand and says to him, “Frankie said it’s about time to go, Gee, we better go.” “Oh, okay.” Gerard said to Cassy.
“Maybe some other time,” Cassy told the man and started to drag Gerard beside her, leading out that dark alley that Gerard have now called refuge. They were halfway down the street when Gerard turned his head to see if the man was still there. He wasn’t. Gerard hadn’t expected him to be there after they left anyway. Right now he had to focus on what will happen when he gets back to the apartment he shares with Cassy and Frank.
What will I say?
++
Bert looked on for a moment before he decided to head home. Meeting that boy was just a rare occurrence, like one of those times where you just find someone to talk to when you’re waiting in line or something. He dismissed the whole thing by the time he made it back to his girlfriend’s apartment. He turned his key into the lock and…
Everything was as it should be, just like they left it when they left. They didn’t even keep the lights on. Bert felt on the right side of the wall like he did so many nights before and groped for the switch. He found it and the living room sprang to life with all the light. Bert even covered his eyes, the light blinding him. He’d been out in the night to long, his eyes needed to adjust. When they did he headed to the kitchen to put down his goods and take them out of the plastic bags. He then glanced at the clock just above the fourth chair at the table. It’s 1:00 AM now and they still haven’t been back? Bert opened one of the beers and started to drink. He just stood there, staring at the clock tick time away.
Letting time slip away is better than wasting it in some mediocre everyday chore.
At least, that’s what Bert believes in his mind. He was halfway through the first pack when he realized why they might not be back yet--they’re looking for him. His first instinct is to call Jamie and let her know he’s here. The second, however, is to finish enough of this beer until he reaches the limit where he’ll still be capable to dial numbers and use the fucking phone, then call. He follows his second and takes out his cell phone from his pocket and dials Jamie’s number.
“Where the fuck are you!?” Jamie screams inside the cell phone.
“I’m--”
Jamie cut him off saying, “We were looking for you, you know. You should have called sooner.” Jamie seemed to have got back her resolve.
She wants to know where I am, then cuts me off. What does she want?
“Bert? Hello? You’re still there, right?”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve called, but I was--” Bert stopped himself.
“What? You were what?”
“Jamie, I--”
“Oh my god.”
“Jamie--”
“Listen. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m coming home and I will…I will go to bed. You, do whatever the fuck you want because I’m not helping, apparently.”
Shouldn’t your girlfriend not give up on you? Can’t she see the problem?
“Yeah, Jamie. I’ll wait for you.”
Jamie‘s voice lost its firmness. “You…you don’t have to do that…”
“I can and will.”
“Okay…bye, then?”
“See you.”
The line that connected both of them went dead. Oh, metaphors.
++
Cassy met with Frank, Gerard behind her. He had made her let go a block ago. He had no idea how that girl got attached to him so fast. All he knows about here is her real name and appearance, and it’s the same way in her mind.
“Hey Frankie!” She happily called out to the boy who was currently looking down at his Sidekick texting someone he knew. He looked up and grinned at Cassy. “Hey Cassy.” She caught him in a huge hug. “What are you high on, Cass!?” He tried to get out of it but it only made it worse. “Cassy, get the fuck off!”
“FYI, I’m high on…umm…I can’t remember!”
Gerard just stood there awkwardly, watching the two of them.
They knew each other way before they knew me.
“Cassy! Get. The. FUCK. Off.”
“Okay, okay, Frankie! You’re such a fucking prude.”
“Me? A prude? I need to find out what you’re taking so I can make sure you don’t get it again, it’s making you fucking dumb.”
“Fine, I’ll hug Gerard. He doesn’t mind!”
“Umm, yes, he does. He’s just too shy to tell you.”
“No he doesn’t.”
“Does.”
“Doesn’t.”
“Does.”
“I don’t.”
They both look in disbelief at Gerard and Frankie pointed at Gerard and said, “See? He does mind. I win!” Cassy pouts and says “No fair! You told him to say that!”
“Would you stop acting like a fucking child Cassy?” Frank looked at his Sidekick to see that the person he was talking to logged off.
“When this shit I’m on wears off, I’ll be my not-so-innocent self again!”
“When did you take it?”
“On the way.”
Frank sighs. “About all night, then. Just go to bed when we get there.”
“Whatever you say, Frankie!”
“That’s my girl.”
Frank hugged Cassy and kissed her. “YAY! KISS FROM FRANKIE!”
“Come on, let’s go.”
The three of them walked about four more blocks and turned a few more corners and finally made it to their destination. The house was pretty big, its Victorian front looking innocent compared to the street it was on. The trio came to the porch of the house and stood there until a pretty young 20-something petite grey-eyed brunette opened the door. When she saw the three of them, she smiled.
“Come on, Frank, Cassy, Gerard.”
Gerard didn’t even hear the woman, the young girl opening the door for them. He was too busy thinking, thinking about what he’ll do with his life.
Take it, or leave it…so little choices….
“Gerard?”
The girl’s voice seemed to jump him out of his thoughts. He turned to her.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, Traci. I’m okay. Sorry if I worried you.”
Traci smiled, appreciating that fact that Gerard apologized when he really didn’t have to. “It’s okay, sugar. Now come on, you have to be in here by 5:00am, and it’s 4:55am already. You know how the Madame gets.” Traci left, but left the door open to him. She was right, he better get inside.
“Okay…” he said to no one, though Traci had left, he had replied to her. He followed them all inside the house.
Lethargy. n. apathetic and drowsy behavior; absence of emotion, being half-asleep…
I wonder how many of us have gotten lethargic. Or rather, still haven’t.
++
I made this chapter a bit long, yes? I hope I can make them all long! A bit of a fix: this is chapter one, not the other. That was the prologue. (Sounded like one, though, didn’t it?) I just named wrong in a hurry.
<3
Comments are cocaine for a soul like mine. ♥
Alexx+~