(no subject)
Things have changed since my dad died; there is no denying it anymore no matter how much I want to pretend it has nothing to do with him, I hate the idea that he can see me and see what I’ve been doing and would be disappointed
I hate that I am in constant conflict with myself I want to keep doing the things that I’ve been doing, yet I hate that I want to keep doing it all, I hate that I feel like I could keep things under control even though I know I was so outrageous out of control just over a week ago
I hate that I haven’t taken the time to think about him and miss him; I spent the week leading up to the six-month mark fucked up
I hate that I needed to be fucked up in order to handle it, but come on now the option to not be fucked up and sober enough to think about the horrors of not having him in my life for half a years time is just way to over whelming
Everything is always so over whelming, I can’t handle anything anymore; it has become nearly impossible for me to even handle the things I use to escape the things I can’t handle
This has become a nasty cycle of addictions, when one isn’t present the others come back
the only thing left to do is pick the lesser of the many evils
I hate that I am in constant conflict with myself I want to keep doing the things that I’ve been doing, yet I hate that I want to keep doing it all, I hate that I feel like I could keep things under control even though I know I was so outrageous out of control just over a week ago
I hate that I haven’t taken the time to think about him and miss him; I spent the week leading up to the six-month mark fucked up
I hate that I needed to be fucked up in order to handle it, but come on now the option to not be fucked up and sober enough to think about the horrors of not having him in my life for half a years time is just way to over whelming
Everything is always so over whelming, I can’t handle anything anymore; it has become nearly impossible for me to even handle the things I use to escape the things I can’t handle
This has become a nasty cycle of addictions, when one isn’t present the others come back
the only thing left to do is pick the lesser of the many evils