o.v.e.r.w.h.e.l.m.e.d
life is just ridiculous with the things it throws at you. i cant even decide whether im happy or miserable anymore. there are just too many ups and downs and backflips for me to straigthen out my thoughts. i was going to try to make my thoughts into poetry but there are just too many of them-so instead im gonna rant, but ill try to keep it brief because otherwise we'll be here until next hanukkah.
what do you do when someone who means the world to you decides he needs to take a different path? i look up to him. he has always been my strength my support and i have always been his. and i respect the fact that he feels the need to breakaway. but what am i supposed to do when it all becomes too much to handle? drinking-whatever who cares everyone does that. the desire to do drugs of whatever sorts-obviously im not excited about it but i really trust his judgment and i believe him when he says he will be ok. but its the cigarettes. i cant handle it. he knows how bad all of this is. he experienced it first hand. ive tried to be simpathetic; understand; compasionate; respectful of his space. i havent once lashed out on him or made him feel like a terrible person for the choices he makes. but the truth is, no matter what i say to him, i'm scared. i'm terrified. he means so much to me. i want him to be a part of my future, to one day meet my kids and watch them grow up--not have one named after him in his memory after he is gone. i've told him how i feel. i guess. to a degree. i have said that (the big red thingy) because some words are just to painful. of course ill support him and always be there because thats my job. i'm the best friend. but isnt it also my job to help my best friend when he is in trouble? but what do i do...when there is nothing to do?....
and then there is kickline. i'm captain. my dream come true. ok im exaggerating but either way it's exactly what i wanted. but i guess lately i'm just full of fear, because again, i'm completely terrified. i've never been more afraid for anything in my whole entire life. being made captain is such an honor. a privalege. i'm supposed to be happy. there are people that have faith in me. i was chosen because people think i can do it. but the problem is...i dont think i can do it. choreograph a homecoming routine and then a kick and pom routine for competition?! two years in a row?! right now i dont even feel like i'm creative enough for one dance. i guess if you're not a dancer you wouldnt understand-or if you are a dancer and just happen to be extremely creative, you wouldnt get it either. but i've never choreographed something like this. i've never had the success of 24 girls and the reputation of a team rest on my shoulders. i've never been a captain of anything before. not even little league or camp sports or color war at day camp. the truth is, i don't know how to do this. ok, i can be a leader. but make up these dances? and it really just hit me today when we decided that NEXT WEEK the CAPTAINS are getting together to START CHOREOGRAPHING. I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!! i don't know why they made me captain. it doesnt matter that im dedicated and hardworking. there are people that deserve it more than me...because they are better than me. they would do a better job. they would make everyone proud. i'm just terrified that i am going to let down the team, the coaches, the school, the kickline veterans who worked so hard to make this team LONG ISLAND CHAMPIONS. what are the other captains going to think when i arrive next week and have basically nothing to contribute because i'm just not creative enough. i'm just not good enough. i should be excited. excited to push my limits. excited to stretch my horizons. excited to strive to be something i never knew i could be. people have faith in me. but the self esteem? well, it just doesn't exist.
what do you do when someone who means the world to you decides he needs to take a different path? i look up to him. he has always been my strength my support and i have always been his. and i respect the fact that he feels the need to breakaway. but what am i supposed to do when it all becomes too much to handle? drinking-whatever who cares everyone does that. the desire to do drugs of whatever sorts-obviously im not excited about it but i really trust his judgment and i believe him when he says he will be ok. but its the cigarettes. i cant handle it. he knows how bad all of this is. he experienced it first hand. ive tried to be simpathetic; understand; compasionate; respectful of his space. i havent once lashed out on him or made him feel like a terrible person for the choices he makes. but the truth is, no matter what i say to him, i'm scared. i'm terrified. he means so much to me. i want him to be a part of my future, to one day meet my kids and watch them grow up--not have one named after him in his memory after he is gone. i've told him how i feel. i guess. to a degree. i have said that (the big red thingy) because some words are just to painful. of course ill support him and always be there because thats my job. i'm the best friend. but isnt it also my job to help my best friend when he is in trouble? but what do i do...when there is nothing to do?....
and then there is kickline. i'm captain. my dream come true. ok im exaggerating but either way it's exactly what i wanted. but i guess lately i'm just full of fear, because again, i'm completely terrified. i've never been more afraid for anything in my whole entire life. being made captain is such an honor. a privalege. i'm supposed to be happy. there are people that have faith in me. i was chosen because people think i can do it. but the problem is...i dont think i can do it. choreograph a homecoming routine and then a kick and pom routine for competition?! two years in a row?! right now i dont even feel like i'm creative enough for one dance. i guess if you're not a dancer you wouldnt understand-or if you are a dancer and just happen to be extremely creative, you wouldnt get it either. but i've never choreographed something like this. i've never had the success of 24 girls and the reputation of a team rest on my shoulders. i've never been a captain of anything before. not even little league or camp sports or color war at day camp. the truth is, i don't know how to do this. ok, i can be a leader. but make up these dances? and it really just hit me today when we decided that NEXT WEEK the CAPTAINS are getting together to START CHOREOGRAPHING. I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!! i don't know why they made me captain. it doesnt matter that im dedicated and hardworking. there are people that deserve it more than me...because they are better than me. they would do a better job. they would make everyone proud. i'm just terrified that i am going to let down the team, the coaches, the school, the kickline veterans who worked so hard to make this team LONG ISLAND CHAMPIONS. what are the other captains going to think when i arrive next week and have basically nothing to contribute because i'm just not creative enough. i'm just not good enough. i should be excited. excited to push my limits. excited to stretch my horizons. excited to strive to be something i never knew i could be. people have faith in me. but the self esteem? well, it just doesn't exist.