Barbizon, Day 1
I went to Barbizon today, and I nearly hyperventilated myself into some sort of seizure at first. I wanted to run out of there, I wanted to be content as other's are with a normal life... I got scared, it seemed so frightening, because I'm now officially in debt, because I don't know what this will lead to, because I knew no one there, because I was the only 'full figure' being in the class, because everyone else was in their twenties, because I have to spend more money for their dress code, and still more for bart... So many things frightened me and I wanted to run out of the room, I wanted to somehow find someway to be content with a normal life because everything was so frightening.
I slowly breathed and told myself if I didn't do this, I'd forever regret it and eventually die inside and out from the way a normal existence would eat at me. I didn't know how I would get the courage to get up in front of a classful of thin, beautiful strangers, I felt as though I would be judged and found wanting. But I made myself do it, I sucked it up and just went up there, and although I felt like an idiot at first, I wasn't the only one. And once again, when I did an acting bit, I blew them away just with a silly commercial, but I put myself into it, because that's what I'm there for.
Later, I pathetically walked the runway, and I felt stupid, but it was another experience, and despite all my embarassment, I know that every second I'm there, I'm opening up a little more, learning a little more about the industry I want to be in, and being given opportunities which I will never let pass. I can't believe I somehow found the courage to do this.
There several people that I feel have gotten me here, one is Lizz, having first opened me up through a group of friends. Second, Courtney S. my first drama teacher, she gave me the love and the first encouragement that planted in my soul the first bit of courage, and a sparkle in my eyes that has yet to die. Third, Ms Jackson, for cultivating that courage and giving me experiences I desperately needed to get to this point. And fourth, Shawn, because without his words, his encouragement and advice, I wouldn't be here period.
I genuinely thank everyone that supports me, and those who don't, I've learned you don't matter.
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