(no subject)

Aug 07, 2003 17:20

I'm so close to just giving up and walking away from everything. I'm not even sure why. I'm sitting in the computer lab at the school I go to. I'm chatting with a friend from Ft Wayne, and I'm fighting back so many tears...

I can't stop reading the lj's of people who have hurt me or who I have hurt... Darien, Nolan, Amy Spent, etc etc etc... I feel sooooooo........ horrible.

I have depressing words stuck in my head, but not enough to write anything.

The other night, on the phone with Ben, I read him some of my poetry I had written about Darien. I had been so in love, yet that love threatened my entire existance. I changed myself just to make someone else happy. I let him tear me apart.

I seem to attract assholes..... Luke, Darien, Kevin, Ken, etc etc etc... and yet those are the people I fall for over and over... There was little difference between Darien and Ken. Now I'm sitting here looking at the fact that I feel like Dan blew me off. And I'm seeing Ben grasping at me........

I feel like I've fallen into a large hole and am clinging to his hand, hoping not to fall into the bottomless pit. My tear stained face staring at him, pleading for him to not let go... to have faith and hope in me. Because I don't feel like anyone else does.

They might, but they never express it. And when they do verbally, they don't do the actions to back that up. They say they'll call and never do. They avoid me when I'm upset. They flat out yell at me for being "dramatic" when all I am doing is expressing what is going on in my heart.

Is it so hard to call me everyonce in awhile? To say "Mary, I'm listening. I am here to help you through this." It seems like that outside of Ben, everyone sort of turns their head and looks away... "omg, Mary's not happy. It's time for us to go."

FUCK THAT. I need people to listen to me too. I need someone to cry to. I never had that... For 18 years, I was the girl that gave the advice, that helped everyone else through. Then I gave up, and what happened? I BECAME A FUCKING BAD FRIEND. Just because I stopped letting people hurt me so much. FUCK YOU. I need help. I need someone to cry to. I need a real friend...
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