So...........
Well, after a 2 year hiatus i casually stumbled upon my old livejournal and decided to resurrect (sp?) her from the dead. She's alive again. I can't predict the frequency with which i will be updating this thing, given the great chasm of neglect, nor the caliber of the stuff i put up in here. No matter, anyhow, since this thing really only serves me. 90% of the people that i know that used to use an lj account have since been sucked up by the whirlwind of the myspace-facebook-industrial-complex-leviathan-thing (myself included). And the people who swing by on "random" can fuck off anyhow, so it doesn't matter one goddamn bit if they don't care about what I've got to say.
I think i need to reacclimate myself to this business of pouring heart and soul into a keyboard. And perhaps, maybe, some i don't know...thought. Or whatever. I've noticed over the past year or so that i've found myself coming up short in conversation, running out of things to say. I mean, i know it sounds crazy, but it's almost like i got tired of hearing myself talk all the time. All politics and complaining and whatever.
But i think it's still important to vent now and again to keep myself on track.
And, this i'm really frustrated with.
I can't fucking write anything anymore. It's been a long, long time. No poems, no songs, no stories. Okay, well "no" isn't entirely correct in that it implies a complete lack of anything. We'll define "no" at this moment in time as "not much" and "nothing worth mention". Damnit. Dammmnnnnit.
Y'know?
I think when i was all spouting opinions all the time and ignoring facts and other people's points of view and complaining and demanding that the whole world focus on my needs and how they should be met, when i was really arrogant and naive - at least i was really creative then. I think it's really the arrogant and naive bit. Not only did i think, for many years, that what i had to say held a kind of merit but i thought that people actually gave a damn. And that gave me the incentive to put it on paper. Only for myself, yeah. But it felt fucking great. These words pouring out of my head like stringed pearls to wrap around my wrist and wear like a contemptuous sneer. Hmmm. So, that'll be one of my goals for this year. Be more arrogant. And way less jaded.
I name every year. Well, i used to name them in retrospect. Mostly to organize my thoughts on the past, my memories. Yes, i am nostalgic to a fault. That i can't deny. The past few years I've tried to name them in advance. And i'm working on a name for this year. All of my goals have to fit into one sort of overarching greater goal that is definitive of the given year. ¿me entiendes?
Let's see.... I had these all sussed out at one point. But that was ages ago.
2000 - The year i saw how we're all connected.
2001 - The year i learned that i am finite and insignificant.
2002 - The year i let go.
2003 - The year i learned to live for someone else.
2004 - The year i lost my innocence. (not in the good way, in the soul-crushing way)
2005 - The year i took what i wanted.
2006 - The year i learned to live with myself. (not just for myself)
2007 - The year i grew up.
2008 - The year i proved to myself that i could.
By prove to myself i can i sorta mean anything but in a slightly more specific yet totally undefined kinda way. Basically, i need to do right by myself for once. Get healthy, pay my fucking bills, start acting like a grown up once in a while, kickass in school (yeah, grad school. seriously? seriously.) but without forgetting who i am. Maybe this year i just really need to get back in touch with myself. Is that why i felt oddly compelled to defribulate my livejournal? Mayhaps. Ni modo. I have 11 months of soul searching, smoothie drinking, bill paying, spanish speaking whatever the fuck left.
Peace.
I think i need to reacclimate myself to this business of pouring heart and soul into a keyboard. And perhaps, maybe, some i don't know...thought. Or whatever. I've noticed over the past year or so that i've found myself coming up short in conversation, running out of things to say. I mean, i know it sounds crazy, but it's almost like i got tired of hearing myself talk all the time. All politics and complaining and whatever.
But i think it's still important to vent now and again to keep myself on track.
And, this i'm really frustrated with.
I can't fucking write anything anymore. It's been a long, long time. No poems, no songs, no stories. Okay, well "no" isn't entirely correct in that it implies a complete lack of anything. We'll define "no" at this moment in time as "not much" and "nothing worth mention". Damnit. Dammmnnnnit.
Y'know?
I think when i was all spouting opinions all the time and ignoring facts and other people's points of view and complaining and demanding that the whole world focus on my needs and how they should be met, when i was really arrogant and naive - at least i was really creative then. I think it's really the arrogant and naive bit. Not only did i think, for many years, that what i had to say held a kind of merit but i thought that people actually gave a damn. And that gave me the incentive to put it on paper. Only for myself, yeah. But it felt fucking great. These words pouring out of my head like stringed pearls to wrap around my wrist and wear like a contemptuous sneer. Hmmm. So, that'll be one of my goals for this year. Be more arrogant. And way less jaded.
I name every year. Well, i used to name them in retrospect. Mostly to organize my thoughts on the past, my memories. Yes, i am nostalgic to a fault. That i can't deny. The past few years I've tried to name them in advance. And i'm working on a name for this year. All of my goals have to fit into one sort of overarching greater goal that is definitive of the given year. ¿me entiendes?
Let's see.... I had these all sussed out at one point. But that was ages ago.
2000 - The year i saw how we're all connected.
2001 - The year i learned that i am finite and insignificant.
2002 - The year i let go.
2003 - The year i learned to live for someone else.
2004 - The year i lost my innocence. (not in the good way, in the soul-crushing way)
2005 - The year i took what i wanted.
2006 - The year i learned to live with myself. (not just for myself)
2007 - The year i grew up.
2008 - The year i proved to myself that i could.
By prove to myself i can i sorta mean anything but in a slightly more specific yet totally undefined kinda way. Basically, i need to do right by myself for once. Get healthy, pay my fucking bills, start acting like a grown up once in a while, kickass in school (yeah, grad school. seriously? seriously.) but without forgetting who i am. Maybe this year i just really need to get back in touch with myself. Is that why i felt oddly compelled to defribulate my livejournal? Mayhaps. Ni modo. I have 11 months of soul searching, smoothie drinking, bill paying, spanish speaking whatever the fuck left.
Peace.