The Balancing Act
Life is a delicate balance of the things you want and the things you can have. I am learning this as I go. It is especially true for me, someone who has to balance lifelong illness with trying to do positive things in life.
And it's like...argh. It is hard to decide what to do in some situations. It is difficult to make a decision, not knowing if you are doing the right thing, not knowing if you are chosing to go one way because it is what you really want or if it is what others want for you, or if it is what society expects of you. Are we afraid of disappointing ourselves or the people around us? I can't be sure. What I do know is that I have declined the offer to be a part of the campus literary magazine. Most people would look at me as though I were mad to give up something like that, but...I kinda have to. I am afraid of spreading myself too thin, and that is a valid concern. Also, it seems as though there is a big lean towards poetry in the magazine, and I loathe poetry. I despise it. Give me a poem by a 'master' and a poem by an emo teenager in his basement, and I doubt I could tell the difference. I guess it is easy to hate what we do not understand and what we are incapable of. I mean, I have read some good stuff in my day, some stuff that really speaks to me and I can understand, but the vast majority is just rubbish. I think I hate the rule structure, the elevation of one thing over another. I have read one exception to the rule lately, but that was written by a friend and I knew what was behind it. It was good because it used plain language and the emotions behind it just poured out. I think I would tear my hair out if I had to critique hundreds of poetry submissions. And I am someone who likes the quirky stuff, the stuff that is really out there. I can just see that I would have a lot of clashes with the others on the editorial staff.
Am I copping out by not accepting this? I have doubts, but ... argh. I hate being so unsure of myself.
I have successfully completed my first year of college. My GPA is forthcoming, I know it is going to be lower than normal but we shall see what happens. I should be able to get it in about a week or 2.
Aside from all this, I guess you could say that I am okay. I am off for the summer: After polling some close friends and looking at what is best for me, I decided not to take a class this summer. I have a few projects around the house I want to get done, and I want to be rested and ready for fall. This upcoming year will be a maths-and-sciences year for me, so it is going to take all of my concentration and mental stamina.
My husband is back in touch with some old friends and I was having a very hard time dealing with that for a while. These are people who, well, I will be honest, people my husband was in a polyamorous relationship with. Things ended disastrously badly, and for as long as I have been with my husband I have been conditioned to hate them. But all of a sudden my husband turns over this new leaf and decides to contact them, and now he is going to go spend a week with them in July. But I have let my guard down now. Things seem to be okay between them once again, and who am I to deny my husband a friend? It is still slightly bizarre and uncomfortable, but I am dealing with it.
Ha! Isn't that life, though? "Slightly bizarre and uncomfortable, but I am dealing with it."
That is life all over.
And it's like...argh. It is hard to decide what to do in some situations. It is difficult to make a decision, not knowing if you are doing the right thing, not knowing if you are chosing to go one way because it is what you really want or if it is what others want for you, or if it is what society expects of you. Are we afraid of disappointing ourselves or the people around us? I can't be sure. What I do know is that I have declined the offer to be a part of the campus literary magazine. Most people would look at me as though I were mad to give up something like that, but...I kinda have to. I am afraid of spreading myself too thin, and that is a valid concern. Also, it seems as though there is a big lean towards poetry in the magazine, and I loathe poetry. I despise it. Give me a poem by a 'master' and a poem by an emo teenager in his basement, and I doubt I could tell the difference. I guess it is easy to hate what we do not understand and what we are incapable of. I mean, I have read some good stuff in my day, some stuff that really speaks to me and I can understand, but the vast majority is just rubbish. I think I hate the rule structure, the elevation of one thing over another. I have read one exception to the rule lately, but that was written by a friend and I knew what was behind it. It was good because it used plain language and the emotions behind it just poured out. I think I would tear my hair out if I had to critique hundreds of poetry submissions. And I am someone who likes the quirky stuff, the stuff that is really out there. I can just see that I would have a lot of clashes with the others on the editorial staff.
Am I copping out by not accepting this? I have doubts, but ... argh. I hate being so unsure of myself.
I have successfully completed my first year of college. My GPA is forthcoming, I know it is going to be lower than normal but we shall see what happens. I should be able to get it in about a week or 2.
Aside from all this, I guess you could say that I am okay. I am off for the summer: After polling some close friends and looking at what is best for me, I decided not to take a class this summer. I have a few projects around the house I want to get done, and I want to be rested and ready for fall. This upcoming year will be a maths-and-sciences year for me, so it is going to take all of my concentration and mental stamina.
My husband is back in touch with some old friends and I was having a very hard time dealing with that for a while. These are people who, well, I will be honest, people my husband was in a polyamorous relationship with. Things ended disastrously badly, and for as long as I have been with my husband I have been conditioned to hate them. But all of a sudden my husband turns over this new leaf and decides to contact them, and now he is going to go spend a week with them in July. But I have let my guard down now. Things seem to be okay between them once again, and who am I to deny my husband a friend? It is still slightly bizarre and uncomfortable, but I am dealing with it.
Ha! Isn't that life, though? "Slightly bizarre and uncomfortable, but I am dealing with it."
That is life all over.