So much to process...
I had an incredibly intense therapy session today. If I had to sum up how I am doing in one word, it would be 'minestrone'. My life is this giant soup and I just keep stirring, every spoonful brings up a new crisis. Or a new facet of an old problem. Or a new emotion.
I went to therapy so mad today. Kathie has once again fucked Walter over. I won't go into it here, suffice to say that I got so mad. I went in to therapy ready to punch something. I have been trying to process why I hate that woman so much. I have discovered a few things about my anger:
1. Part of the reason why I get so angry about the things she does is because no one else seems to. It's like I am the one who gets mad for everybody where she is concerned. Heh. I need to stop that though - I have more than enough to be angry about without taking on other people's emotions.
2. I hate her because it is easy to. It is a lot easier to hate someone that I don't have a whole lot of vested interest in than it is to hate my stepfather, or even to hate my biological father for dying. And I hate her because I chose to have her in my life and she batrayed me. I didn't choose my stepfather, he was thrust upon me. Maybe that has something to do with how relatively calm I have been about him.
That was a new one. Being angry at my father for dying? Yeah. I am realizing that it is normal to do so. There are three themes in my life:
1. Grief
2. Loss
3. Betrayal
And, especially to a 7 year old who doesn't know any better, isn't death the ultimate betrayal? The ultimate act of abandonment? Yeah. I am gonna need to work on that. Pry it open like a skull and spoon out the brains. That's a little macabre mental image from Terry Gilliam. But anyhow - obviously I still have not fully processed the death of my father or it would not still affect me as much as it does.
Anger. I have never really allowed myself to get truly angry, and now that I am experiencing it, it's all or nothing. I don't have a dial, it's just calmness straight to rocket fuel and back. I need to work on that.
I am just trying to gather my thoughts here - I have got so much swirling in my brain and I am trying to pull it down and organize it in some way.
I went to therapy so mad today. Kathie has once again fucked Walter over. I won't go into it here, suffice to say that I got so mad. I went in to therapy ready to punch something. I have been trying to process why I hate that woman so much. I have discovered a few things about my anger:
1. Part of the reason why I get so angry about the things she does is because no one else seems to. It's like I am the one who gets mad for everybody where she is concerned. Heh. I need to stop that though - I have more than enough to be angry about without taking on other people's emotions.
2. I hate her because it is easy to. It is a lot easier to hate someone that I don't have a whole lot of vested interest in than it is to hate my stepfather, or even to hate my biological father for dying. And I hate her because I chose to have her in my life and she batrayed me. I didn't choose my stepfather, he was thrust upon me. Maybe that has something to do with how relatively calm I have been about him.
That was a new one. Being angry at my father for dying? Yeah. I am realizing that it is normal to do so. There are three themes in my life:
1. Grief
2. Loss
3. Betrayal
And, especially to a 7 year old who doesn't know any better, isn't death the ultimate betrayal? The ultimate act of abandonment? Yeah. I am gonna need to work on that. Pry it open like a skull and spoon out the brains. That's a little macabre mental image from Terry Gilliam. But anyhow - obviously I still have not fully processed the death of my father or it would not still affect me as much as it does.
Anger. I have never really allowed myself to get truly angry, and now that I am experiencing it, it's all or nothing. I don't have a dial, it's just calmness straight to rocket fuel and back. I need to work on that.
I am just trying to gather my thoughts here - I have got so much swirling in my brain and I am trying to pull it down and organize it in some way.