Hi it's nice to meet you! Wanna go out with me?
Two things happened this week that got me thinking about how men and women relate to each other. Of course, to be inclusive, how do people relate to each other. I do realize though that dating between members of the same sex is much different, and I don't know about it enough to talk about it so I won't right now.
The first instance I'll talk about a little later. The second I should cover now because it does involve some etiquette.
Today I was going to participate in the Women's March here in Chicago. But because I take medication that brings about drowsiness and because my sleeping patterns have been awry lately, I missed the march and had to depend on Facebook for updates. I got a lot, and I'm grateful that the marches across the country, Chicago and other large cities in particular, were wildly successful. I am hopeful that this show in force will impress upon our political leaders, and the new (p)Resident in particular, that we as women will not let them take away our hard fought and hard won rights.
But it was one of these posts that got to me. Not so much the post itself but one response to the post. It was from a young man who wanted to know if he could meet young women his age at the march. That got me. Women are fighting for their rights that could be taken away from them, and this guy wants to get a date from them! What the hell is he thinking?
When I was seventeen I went to a memorial for John Lennon in Chicago. Thousands of people gathered on a hilltop on a cold bleak day in December and I thought it was beautiful. There I met a man who was several years older and we talked about it. He seemed interested in what I had to say. Things were going great until it was time for me to go. I said something like bye, nice to meet you, and then he asked if he could go with me! I froze up, not knowing what to say. He asked if I wanted to go home with him. Finally I found my voice, said no, sorry, and I left. For a few blocks I kept looking back to see if he was following me before I realized I was safe and went home. But this encounter soured the whole experience for me. I realized nowhere was safe from sexual harassment or assault.
I remembered this as I read the comment from the young man and knew I had to speak up to prevent what had happened to me from happening to another young woman. Summoning all the sternness I could, I replied that he should go on a dating site if he wanted to meet women and that a march for women's rights was an inappropriate place to pick up women. He had said that he did try dating sites without success. I didn't care. I then posted about this comment on my page, and I got a lot of responses, all mixed. And the friend whose post the comment appeared on came to the young man's defense, saying that he was an ally. Sorry, but true allies don't have hidden agendas. My daughter commented something similar to this. She's more blunt than I am.
I'm not sorry for saying what I did. I hope he learned something from this and will rethink his motives. If he wants to support women, great. But don't take advantage of a movement to suit his needs.
The second instance happened the other night. I got a message from an old (okay, not so old) friend. We were in the same coven before it went underground. I was glad to hear from him and we exchanged updates about our lives since. Then he said he was looking for someone. I said I hoped he found someone he could be happy with. Then he said he was hoping I would be the one. Well, what could I say? I remembered what happened last summer and realized I had to be direct. I told him I was in a place where I had to establish myself personally and professionally, and that dating anyone was not on my list of priorities now. He said he understood. I was running low of battery on my phone and had to charge it, and I told him so. I plugged the phone in the charger and that was the end of the conversation.
What did I learn from this? In this case, being assertive was the best way to go. As women we were taught to appease and to ignore our needs. But not anymore. My daughter and her friends are navigating the same minefields i did when I was her age. But her generation is more blunt about its needs and wants than other generations. I realize that I have to be the same way now, to set the example. I'm glad that my daughter knows what she wants and can go after it. And if she doesn't want to date anyone? She won't appease anyone and as her mother I have to follow suit. These are dark times now. The world is run by a patriarchy on its last legs and we have to show them that we will never be silent or pliant. We have to fight to survive, and we won't tolerate anyone with hidden agendas.