god damn it is dark here.
Well, its near midnight in Lost Valley and I'm feeling very lonely. The darkness is complete on this night, I had to find my way to the kitchen largely by feeling the ground I was on. Lily is in Portland and my closest friend has just called me a condescending little shit and refused to speak to me. I feel hurt but at the same time rather
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Let's get things nice and sparkling clear. I in no way disagreed with your message. Lost Valley sounds like a great place, and I hope to pay it a visit some day. You made many great points and made it seem very enticing. It was simply your delivery that ticked me off. And it wasn't the preaching. Everybody does that. But you were condescending, arrogant, and, above all, rude. And I'm tired of it. You've been getting progressively worse these last few months, and after the other night, I've decided that I'm done. I don't put up with it from other people, so I won't put up with it from you. Another one of your "close friends" suggested that this was all due to immaturity, and I agree. So call me in a few years after you've grown up and learned to treat your "friends" with more respect.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I realize that I'm not unhappy. I won't lie, I'm not exactly thrilled with my current station in life, but it's transitional, and I know that I'm headed for better times. I can wait. Plus, I'm learning. And it's free. So pardon me when I don't jump at the opportunity to rush into the world. Impulsive behavior rarely gets one anywhere, and I'm content to bide my time. And if I die tomorrow, so be it, I've had a good run.
Un/happiness is irreflective of geography. If happiness is anywhere, it's in your head, and it comes by cultivating your perceptions, not globetrotting until you find a field that's always greener. I could lock myslef in my house and if I shaped my thoughts accordingly, I could be happy. And even then happiness is overrated. Happiness itself is fleeting. Not being content drives one to seek new heights, and as such, daily I search for them. And let's not forget that its depression and horror that fuels many of our creative drives. Is not "Long Day's Jounrey Into Night" the exorcism of years of pain and suffering? If pain and horror can lead to such an astounding piece of art, then I say, hit me. Experience is experience.
In closing, I offer you words from a man far wiser than I. You could stand to learn from them.
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity." William Butler Yeats
'Til then, fuck off.
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You may think I have been rude or arrogant or whatever but I didn't percieve that, but I do not intend to insult you and I am hurt myself if I do, so if you feel wronged, tell me, and I'll most likely admit it and I will try to work on it. I am not perfect and I have a tendency to get overemotional and a plethera of other potentially offensive things. Sorry, but I know this. Maybe you have made a judgment that I'm not worth it. If that is you're decision, I won't try to change that.
You're as preachy as I and you're making subjective opinions into universal truths. "Un/happiness is irreflective of geography" thats in no way universal so don't tout it as truth, I've found a better place and its done wonders for me. Its what ---I--- needed.
Rafe is a good friend but he talks shit about me constantly, I know this, its nothing new. I still love him though.
And you know, it was hard just to hear you talk on the phone, I heard only the first few seconds of your lecture before I simply sat the phone down and put my feet in the creek. I picked up the phone minutes later and only had to endure another thirty seconds or so. I felt quite offended myself, you seemed to assume that I have never gone outside my front door the way you talked down to me like a ten year old who had just asked his mother why she couldn't be rich like the neighbors.
Our friendship has obviously been deteriorating but I still love you and want to keep you as a friend regardless of how close we are but if you want to sever, I'll accept your decision.
Take care, I'm willing you to talk. I love you.
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If I came off as condescending, then I apologize, because I can't stand coming off as such, much less having others be such towards me. But I feel it that may have been subconscious reciprocity, but that's irrelevant - I'm sorry.
As far as subjectivity goes, you're right. Those only hold true for me.
And if you were offended, then you should have brought that up. "Dude, I don't want to hear a lecture" is not addressing the problem either. And when you mockingly whimpered at one of my perceived complaints? Bullshit. This is what I mean. You make these nasty little remarks off to the side and under your breath, and those are what clinch it. This is what I consider immature. You don't even have the gall to repeat yourself when I ask you to.
All in all, I'm just generally pissed at you right now. Part of my frustration stems from the fact that I can never bring myself to tell you how much you aggrivate me during conversation But anger will pass. Don't call me, I'll call you.
And just so you know, I don't love you. The only people I love are my family, but that's only because of our mutual quest to ensure the propogation and endurance of our shared genes, so that doesn't really count, and Auriel, who rather than be captious, accepts me as I am.
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