Yuki no Naka de Shinde
Well this is my first time posting a story by myself!!! *is proud* im terrible at tech stuff so this was a bit of a challenge! Anyways this fic is very sad or at least my first attempt at writting a rather sad fic. But being the cheesy goddess that I am, I can't make an ending sad. I hope Chichachu like this story, and for everyone else please remember to comment and CRITICIZE. Yes I said it. So please be honest so that I can get better.
Title:Yuki no Naka de Shinde
Title translation: Dead in the snow
Disclaimer: I own nothing...in my dreams that i would own anyone in ths story... sighs.
Warnings: Angst and comfort. Boys Love. Character DEATH.
Dedicated to: Chichachu
Author: pagan21
Rated: PG-13
Chapter: Oneshot
A man stood still in the ever moving crowds of New York City.
People rushing past him. No one caring enough to stop even for a minute to ask “Are you all right?" of course not.
He had no more tears left. They would not bring him back.
He wore a long brown fur coat. His skin pale white and he had on blue contacts today. His lips were bluish purple and his eyes blank with pain and loss.
He had no idea how long he had been out here.
Only that the pain of the cold had started to numb him. An empty look was all he could manage.
He was alone.
Gackt stood in the streets snow falling all around him. Roses dying from being in the cold with no light warmth or water.
He was gazing up at the giant Christmas tree covered in lights in front of him.
The skyscrapers rising up around on all sides of him. The wonder of the illusion of happiness that could be found here made him curious, would he have smiled here? The night air was very cold. He could see his breath.
Footsteps approaching in the snow.
A hand touched his shoulder. He didn't turn around. "Gacku.." said Hyde. He said nothing. He didn't even glance at his friend.
“Staying out here and freezing to death won't change anything. Won't bring him back." Again no response.
Gackt crouched down and placed the wilting roses he held in his hand at the foot of the tree. Snowflakes covered them in moments.
"It wasn't your..." started Hyde "My fault?" murmured Gackt, startling Hyde.
He turned and faced Hyde full in the face.
"It was all my fault. My fault. He is dead because I never listened to him when he told me to stop smoking. My fault I got sick. My fault I almost died and my fault he thought I was dead. My fault he killed himself. MY FAULT." His eyes never changed from the look of blank emptiness.
His voice rose from a whisper to a normal speech but never to a yell.
"He died, because of me. So don't tell me that it wasn't my fault. That the pain he felt at my 'death' was strong enough to want to follow me. It was my fault Hyde. The one I loved is dead. Because of me. All my fault."
Hyde could do nothing but stare at his friend. Could do nothing but watch as one of the strongest men he had ever known, fell apart at the loss of his loved one.
The night wind blew hard and made Hyde shiver. The look of desperation in Gackt's eyes made Hyde worry.
"Come with me. I have something to show you." Hyde said at last.
He took Gackt's arm and dragged him to his apartment.
When they got there Hyde placed Gackt on the couch. He then went into the bed room and returned a few minutes later. He had in hand, a photograph. He gave it to Gackt. It was a picture Chachamaru had taken in a moment of artistic inspiration.
It was Gackt and You sitting on a park bench. One on each end of it. Both looking the opposite way from the other. Their hands touching in the middle of the bench.
A secret smile on both of their faces.
It had been summer time before any of it had happened. Before the pain of the sickness had separated them.
The picture had been taken in a small period of time where there had been warmth, like sunshine coming through a window in the afternoon. A small but precious moment of happiness and peace.
Gackt shook violently. A choking sob wracked through him. "You..."Gackt said in small voice. The sadness in his heart fully exposed in that one word. He smiled a terribly sad smile.
"He would have been happy that you were alive. He would have told you to live no matter what.” said Hyde believing that this was what Gackt needed to hear.
'You're wrong Hyde... he would have told me to never leave him. To follow him. To be with him forever, even in death. He loved me that much. He was selfish like that. Selflessness? He would have said that selflessness was for people who could bear to be apart. And besides, without each other what point could there be in living? Living was for those who had someone to love. If one of us is gone, the other is alone. If one of us lives, the other is alone. Either in death or in life.' thought Gackt.
The whole time he just stared at the picture.
He would never tell Hyde that.
He couldn’t bear to be in this apartment anymore. Gackt ran out of there leaving an open mouthed Hyde calling after him.
He ran down the streets pushing people out of the way, not caring who it was or if they got hurt. He ran till he couldn’t anymore. But he kept walking. He had no clue as to where he was. Just that he was at a cross roads in the middle of the night and that it was cold.
Very cold.
He longed for his lovers arms to hold him tight and keep him warm again but he knew that no matter what he did, You would never come back to him in this lifetime.
And how could he leave Hide and Chachamaru behind.... they would blame themselves the idiots. How could they ask him to live miserable for the rest of his days. And his fans, no doubt there would be a few hundred suicides. Following him. And the families...god if only someone would understand and tell him that he could do this without being selfish.
He shivered hard and rubbed his arms. Oh, he had left his coat there. Whatever. He wouldn’t need it any time soon. Being dead had that advantage.
The cars on the road continued to speed by him. He understood what he had to do. Just as he had made up his mind to move onto the road he stopped walking. A girl sat on a bench crying. She shook silently and her eyes told him that no words would make her feel better.
She got up and walked towards the fast moving cars, not once did she hesitate. He caught her arm just before she put her foot down on the road.
She gasped, tears in her voice. She had been afraid but determined. She turned around and he looked her in the eyes.
They both knew. They both understood the others pain.
“I can’t be alone anymore. I miss him so much.” she said to him.
“Neither can I. It was my fault.” said Gackt.
“I miss him so much. Is it wrong to wish I could be with him again?” she asked tears running down her face.
“No. From what I have been told it is normal. But this feeling inside, this is not normal. The pain that never disappears, the dread at being apart, the feeling that nothing could ever make it better, the knowledge that I will always be alone if I continue to live without him. I too have lost the one I loved.” He told her.
He had no clue as to why he would be explaining this to her.
She already knew.
“But. I don’t think I can do this without someone telling me ‘It’s okay. Go. Be happy.’ But no one understands enough to say those words. The words I need to hear.” She said quietly.
“If I do this for you, will you do the same for me?” Gackt said hoping that she would. He could see You again without so much guilt if she said those words.
She nodded yes.
He wrapped his arms around her and said “It’s okay. Go. Be happy. He is waiting for you.”
She placed her arms around his waist and murmured “It’s okay. Go. Be happy. He misses you.”
For the second time, since You’s burial, Gackt cried. His tears were tears of relief and gratitude towards a woman whose name he didn’t even know. They released each other.
She held out her hand. He took it. ‘Together’ he thought
They walked confidently onto the road a smile to match the blank look in both their eyes. A truck was coming forward a distance away. They lay down sideways on the road still holding hands they turned their heads and looked at each other. “Are you afraid?” he whispered. “No.” she answered. They were ready to die in the snow.
The sound of screeching tires.
The flash of headlights.
Contact.
And then nothing.
For a time there was black.
And then he opened his eyes and found himself lying on a futon in a small old style japanese house. A voice called his name.
It was You’s voice. He got up and found himself wearing Yukata.
He walked towards the sliding doors and opened them to look out onto a small courtyard filled with stepping stones grated sand and a pond. Wooden decks that served as hallways surrounded sides of the house.
The voice called his name again. “Gackto! Where are you? I am waiting over here!”The sound of that slightly demanding voice yet filled with affection could not be mistaken.
He ran down the decks following the sound of that voice.
He saw You sitting cross legged on the edge of the decks and threw himself at him.
Warm arms found his body and held him tightly. He pulled back and looked into the face of his lover.
“I knew you would come for me. I came for you but found that they had brought you back the minute I died.” said You.
“Forgive me. It was my fault.” said Gackt.
“It was most certainly not. But I see that you won’t believe me telling you this. So yes, of course you are completely forgiven.” He said looking tenderly at his lover.
“I can hardly believe it. I missed you so much.” said Gackt. He began to shake and cry.
But he was smiling his silly lovely face off.
“Believe it Gacku. You are here with me and I am never letting you go. Ever. You are mine. Forever.” You said.
“I have always been yours.” said Gackt.
The kiss they shared then was better than anything Gackt had ever felt in life. He wondered halfheartedly what else would be better in this place.
His face must have shown what he was thinking because You chuckled. They looked in one another’s eyes and knew that tonight and every other night would be filled with happiness beyond life itself.
Gackt sat up and cuddled in besides him. You wrapped his arms around Gackt. Together at last, they watched the sunset on the perfect world of happiness. At last.
The funeral for Gackt was the biggest anyone had ever seen. Many, many fans had come out and wailing could be heard across the countries that loved him.
Millions wept for the man they had barely known. For the loss of his music. Little did they know that if he had lived he would never have sung again anyways. Hyde cried. In front of the world he wept openly. He had lost his two best friends in less than a month.
Chachamaru fell to the ground unconscious when he heard the news telling him that not only You was dead, but Gackt and a girl as well. A suicide again. Found dead in the snow.
The pair in question watched all this from above. They glanced at each other. They both nodded. They both had goodbyes that needed being said.
That night they both appeared in Chachamaru’s apartment. Chacha and Hyde were sitting at his counter drinking. A light cough from Gackt made them turn their heads towards the sound.
Chacha screamed.
“Don’t faint!” yelled You.
Hyde just blinked .
“You are such an ass Gackt. And you are even worse You.” said Hyde.
Chacha jumped up and ran towards the two pitching, himself into their arms. Hyde walked over and hugged the two as well.
“How long do you two...” Chacha asked. You shook his head.
”Just a little while. But long enough for a drink.” said Gackt with a real smile on his face that touched his eyes.
The first real one Hyde had seen in a very long time. He was really happy. That was enough for him.
They all sat down and drank a cup filled to the brim.
“Are you two really happy together? Is this a dream?” asked Chacha.
“You can think of it that way if it would make more sense to you Cha.” said Gackt.
He nodded.
“ How could you? Either of you?!” said Hide angrily.
You glared. “I wasn’t going to spend a lifetime alone. Down here or up there. And Gacku would have been miserable for the rest of his life had he stayed to make you happy. So I ask you, Hideto, which one is really the selfish one here.” Hyde faltered.
Chacha chuckled. “You got scolded! Ha! I was never able to do that as well as you could You.”
“You’re welcome.” He said smiling.
The friends chattered of future plans and questions that couldn’t be answered until the cups were empty and it was time.
“It’s time to leave.” The pair said in unison.
“Never forget that we are happy and that we love you both very much.” said Gackt.
“We won’t. We love you both as well. Be happy.” said Hide.
“Yes don’t forget either you hear me?!”said Cha tears in his eyes.
“We will see each other again. I promise.” Said You regret clear in his face.
They all smiled. They would see each other again.
With that the two walked out the door and closed it behind them. When Chacha opened the door seconds after and stuck his head out the door looking in the hallways. Nothing was there.
“Was that real?” Cha asked bewildered.
“Yes.” said Hyde.
The two friends went to bed in their respective apartments. The next day they went on with their lives with the gaping hole in it, slightly less painful than it had been.
As for those two who died, they spent the rest of their afterlife enjoying each other and each other’s fantasies.
Heaven had many possibilities.
Eventually the other two joined them, with the love of their lives later on, and the four friend spent the afterlife happy and content.
~The end~
(a/n: I know I said to chi-chan that she would save him but...it didn't seem right. Please remember to comment! ~ :)
Title:Yuki no Naka de Shinde
Title translation: Dead in the snow
Disclaimer: I own nothing...in my dreams that i would own anyone in ths story... sighs.
Warnings: Angst and comfort. Boys Love. Character DEATH.
Dedicated to: Chichachu
Author: pagan21
Rated: PG-13
Chapter: Oneshot
A man stood still in the ever moving crowds of New York City.
People rushing past him. No one caring enough to stop even for a minute to ask “Are you all right?" of course not.
He had no more tears left. They would not bring him back.
He wore a long brown fur coat. His skin pale white and he had on blue contacts today. His lips were bluish purple and his eyes blank with pain and loss.
He had no idea how long he had been out here.
Only that the pain of the cold had started to numb him. An empty look was all he could manage.
He was alone.
Gackt stood in the streets snow falling all around him. Roses dying from being in the cold with no light warmth or water.
He was gazing up at the giant Christmas tree covered in lights in front of him.
The skyscrapers rising up around on all sides of him. The wonder of the illusion of happiness that could be found here made him curious, would he have smiled here? The night air was very cold. He could see his breath.
Footsteps approaching in the snow.
A hand touched his shoulder. He didn't turn around. "Gacku.." said Hyde. He said nothing. He didn't even glance at his friend.
“Staying out here and freezing to death won't change anything. Won't bring him back." Again no response.
Gackt crouched down and placed the wilting roses he held in his hand at the foot of the tree. Snowflakes covered them in moments.
"It wasn't your..." started Hyde "My fault?" murmured Gackt, startling Hyde.
He turned and faced Hyde full in the face.
"It was all my fault. My fault. He is dead because I never listened to him when he told me to stop smoking. My fault I got sick. My fault I almost died and my fault he thought I was dead. My fault he killed himself. MY FAULT." His eyes never changed from the look of blank emptiness.
His voice rose from a whisper to a normal speech but never to a yell.
"He died, because of me. So don't tell me that it wasn't my fault. That the pain he felt at my 'death' was strong enough to want to follow me. It was my fault Hyde. The one I loved is dead. Because of me. All my fault."
Hyde could do nothing but stare at his friend. Could do nothing but watch as one of the strongest men he had ever known, fell apart at the loss of his loved one.
The night wind blew hard and made Hyde shiver. The look of desperation in Gackt's eyes made Hyde worry.
"Come with me. I have something to show you." Hyde said at last.
He took Gackt's arm and dragged him to his apartment.
When they got there Hyde placed Gackt on the couch. He then went into the bed room and returned a few minutes later. He had in hand, a photograph. He gave it to Gackt. It was a picture Chachamaru had taken in a moment of artistic inspiration.
It was Gackt and You sitting on a park bench. One on each end of it. Both looking the opposite way from the other. Their hands touching in the middle of the bench.
A secret smile on both of their faces.
It had been summer time before any of it had happened. Before the pain of the sickness had separated them.
The picture had been taken in a small period of time where there had been warmth, like sunshine coming through a window in the afternoon. A small but precious moment of happiness and peace.
Gackt shook violently. A choking sob wracked through him. "You..."Gackt said in small voice. The sadness in his heart fully exposed in that one word. He smiled a terribly sad smile.
"He would have been happy that you were alive. He would have told you to live no matter what.” said Hyde believing that this was what Gackt needed to hear.
'You're wrong Hyde... he would have told me to never leave him. To follow him. To be with him forever, even in death. He loved me that much. He was selfish like that. Selflessness? He would have said that selflessness was for people who could bear to be apart. And besides, without each other what point could there be in living? Living was for those who had someone to love. If one of us is gone, the other is alone. If one of us lives, the other is alone. Either in death or in life.' thought Gackt.
The whole time he just stared at the picture.
He would never tell Hyde that.
He couldn’t bear to be in this apartment anymore. Gackt ran out of there leaving an open mouthed Hyde calling after him.
He ran down the streets pushing people out of the way, not caring who it was or if they got hurt. He ran till he couldn’t anymore. But he kept walking. He had no clue as to where he was. Just that he was at a cross roads in the middle of the night and that it was cold.
Very cold.
He longed for his lovers arms to hold him tight and keep him warm again but he knew that no matter what he did, You would never come back to him in this lifetime.
And how could he leave Hide and Chachamaru behind.... they would blame themselves the idiots. How could they ask him to live miserable for the rest of his days. And his fans, no doubt there would be a few hundred suicides. Following him. And the families...god if only someone would understand and tell him that he could do this without being selfish.
He shivered hard and rubbed his arms. Oh, he had left his coat there. Whatever. He wouldn’t need it any time soon. Being dead had that advantage.
The cars on the road continued to speed by him. He understood what he had to do. Just as he had made up his mind to move onto the road he stopped walking. A girl sat on a bench crying. She shook silently and her eyes told him that no words would make her feel better.
She got up and walked towards the fast moving cars, not once did she hesitate. He caught her arm just before she put her foot down on the road.
She gasped, tears in her voice. She had been afraid but determined. She turned around and he looked her in the eyes.
They both knew. They both understood the others pain.
“I can’t be alone anymore. I miss him so much.” she said to him.
“Neither can I. It was my fault.” said Gackt.
“I miss him so much. Is it wrong to wish I could be with him again?” she asked tears running down her face.
“No. From what I have been told it is normal. But this feeling inside, this is not normal. The pain that never disappears, the dread at being apart, the feeling that nothing could ever make it better, the knowledge that I will always be alone if I continue to live without him. I too have lost the one I loved.” He told her.
He had no clue as to why he would be explaining this to her.
She already knew.
“But. I don’t think I can do this without someone telling me ‘It’s okay. Go. Be happy.’ But no one understands enough to say those words. The words I need to hear.” She said quietly.
“If I do this for you, will you do the same for me?” Gackt said hoping that she would. He could see You again without so much guilt if she said those words.
She nodded yes.
He wrapped his arms around her and said “It’s okay. Go. Be happy. He is waiting for you.”
She placed her arms around his waist and murmured “It’s okay. Go. Be happy. He misses you.”
For the second time, since You’s burial, Gackt cried. His tears were tears of relief and gratitude towards a woman whose name he didn’t even know. They released each other.
She held out her hand. He took it. ‘Together’ he thought
They walked confidently onto the road a smile to match the blank look in both their eyes. A truck was coming forward a distance away. They lay down sideways on the road still holding hands they turned their heads and looked at each other. “Are you afraid?” he whispered. “No.” she answered. They were ready to die in the snow.
The sound of screeching tires.
The flash of headlights.
Contact.
And then nothing.
For a time there was black.
And then he opened his eyes and found himself lying on a futon in a small old style japanese house. A voice called his name.
It was You’s voice. He got up and found himself wearing Yukata.
He walked towards the sliding doors and opened them to look out onto a small courtyard filled with stepping stones grated sand and a pond. Wooden decks that served as hallways surrounded sides of the house.
The voice called his name again. “Gackto! Where are you? I am waiting over here!”The sound of that slightly demanding voice yet filled with affection could not be mistaken.
He ran down the decks following the sound of that voice.
He saw You sitting cross legged on the edge of the decks and threw himself at him.
Warm arms found his body and held him tightly. He pulled back and looked into the face of his lover.
“I knew you would come for me. I came for you but found that they had brought you back the minute I died.” said You.
“Forgive me. It was my fault.” said Gackt.
“It was most certainly not. But I see that you won’t believe me telling you this. So yes, of course you are completely forgiven.” He said looking tenderly at his lover.
“I can hardly believe it. I missed you so much.” said Gackt. He began to shake and cry.
But he was smiling his silly lovely face off.
“Believe it Gacku. You are here with me and I am never letting you go. Ever. You are mine. Forever.” You said.
“I have always been yours.” said Gackt.
The kiss they shared then was better than anything Gackt had ever felt in life. He wondered halfheartedly what else would be better in this place.
His face must have shown what he was thinking because You chuckled. They looked in one another’s eyes and knew that tonight and every other night would be filled with happiness beyond life itself.
Gackt sat up and cuddled in besides him. You wrapped his arms around Gackt. Together at last, they watched the sunset on the perfect world of happiness. At last.
The funeral for Gackt was the biggest anyone had ever seen. Many, many fans had come out and wailing could be heard across the countries that loved him.
Millions wept for the man they had barely known. For the loss of his music. Little did they know that if he had lived he would never have sung again anyways. Hyde cried. In front of the world he wept openly. He had lost his two best friends in less than a month.
Chachamaru fell to the ground unconscious when he heard the news telling him that not only You was dead, but Gackt and a girl as well. A suicide again. Found dead in the snow.
The pair in question watched all this from above. They glanced at each other. They both nodded. They both had goodbyes that needed being said.
That night they both appeared in Chachamaru’s apartment. Chacha and Hyde were sitting at his counter drinking. A light cough from Gackt made them turn their heads towards the sound.
Chacha screamed.
“Don’t faint!” yelled You.
Hyde just blinked .
“You are such an ass Gackt. And you are even worse You.” said Hyde.
Chacha jumped up and ran towards the two pitching, himself into their arms. Hyde walked over and hugged the two as well.
“How long do you two...” Chacha asked. You shook his head.
”Just a little while. But long enough for a drink.” said Gackt with a real smile on his face that touched his eyes.
The first real one Hyde had seen in a very long time. He was really happy. That was enough for him.
They all sat down and drank a cup filled to the brim.
“Are you two really happy together? Is this a dream?” asked Chacha.
“You can think of it that way if it would make more sense to you Cha.” said Gackt.
He nodded.
“ How could you? Either of you?!” said Hide angrily.
You glared. “I wasn’t going to spend a lifetime alone. Down here or up there. And Gacku would have been miserable for the rest of his life had he stayed to make you happy. So I ask you, Hideto, which one is really the selfish one here.” Hyde faltered.
Chacha chuckled. “You got scolded! Ha! I was never able to do that as well as you could You.”
“You’re welcome.” He said smiling.
The friends chattered of future plans and questions that couldn’t be answered until the cups were empty and it was time.
“It’s time to leave.” The pair said in unison.
“Never forget that we are happy and that we love you both very much.” said Gackt.
“We won’t. We love you both as well. Be happy.” said Hide.
“Yes don’t forget either you hear me?!”said Cha tears in his eyes.
“We will see each other again. I promise.” Said You regret clear in his face.
They all smiled. They would see each other again.
With that the two walked out the door and closed it behind them. When Chacha opened the door seconds after and stuck his head out the door looking in the hallways. Nothing was there.
“Was that real?” Cha asked bewildered.
“Yes.” said Hyde.
The two friends went to bed in their respective apartments. The next day they went on with their lives with the gaping hole in it, slightly less painful than it had been.
As for those two who died, they spent the rest of their afterlife enjoying each other and each other’s fantasies.
Heaven had many possibilities.
Eventually the other two joined them, with the love of their lives later on, and the four friend spent the afterlife happy and content.
~The end~
(a/n: I know I said to chi-chan that she would save him but...it didn't seem right. Please remember to comment! ~ :)