[Space Wonderland] Chapter 13
New NaNo chapter. YokoFuji time! Rating for this one is NC-17. Comments are always ♥
CHAPTER 13
The days were passing by in a sort of dreamy, constantly busy atmosphere. Having so many people around kept Fujigaya occupied even in boring space. His memories weren’t back, but new memories filled up his mind, with all the shows and planets they visited, all the happy moments with the people that he considered now his friends.
Fujigaya was drawn closer to Yokoo by every single gesture, and he couldn’t explain why he was feeling so attracted to him. Maybe it was his kindness, which he always showed him, or maybe it was just the fact his smell was driving him crazy every day more and he wanted to sink his hands in his hair and feel the touch of his skin with his own. Fujigaya wasn’t subtle about it, and he invited Yokoo to make the first move more than once, but he just didn’t get it, even if he didn’t deny him some physical closeness in the form of an hug or friendly gestures.
“I can’t believe you two are not together yet, it’s been months!” Senga objected, like every time they picked up the topic.
“I’m not exactly sure Yokoo likes me. Every single time I try to get a bit closer it’s like he’s running away,” Fujigaya sighed.
“Than catch him. I’m pretty sure he likes to be caught.”
“I like to be caught too, that’s why I send signals.”
“Oh please, Gaya-san.”
“Plus, I’m not sure we want to cross the line between friendship and... whatever there is behind that line. We are fine like this. Maybe I should find someone else for my... needs.”
“You could, but that doesn’t change the fact that you love Yokoo.” Senga was smiling excited. Fujigaya looked down to hide the evidence that he was starting to blush, he felt extremely annoyed when someone pointed out what he was feeling before he himself had found the words to define it.
“I don’t know if I love him. I just-”
“But you’re not denying it!” Senga placed a finger in front of Fujigaya’s face. “You lost your memory right? So this is like, your first love! Isn’t it romantic?”
“So romantic I’m about to puke. Kenchan! I have a problem here, can we discuss it seriously?!”
“I was serious.” Senga frowned.
“Then can we not discuss about this like we were little girls?” Fujigaya said in exasperation, fingers massaging his temples as if all that talk was giving him a headache.
“Okay, okay. Why don’t you ask him out or something.”
“If we go out from the spaceship now we’ll die.”
“I meant, when we reach the destination.”
“I can’t wait so long. I’ve waited enough. If I have to do something about it, it needs to be direct so that he doesn’t misunderstand. Plus, the next planet looks boring and we’ll be so busy with shows we won’t even have the time to talk about going out.”
“Leave it to me.”
Fujigaya didn’t want to leave anything to Senga. He didn’t want to leave anything to anyone and he started to regret having even talked about it with him in the first place. He felt even more regretful when he noticed Miyata and Tamamori started acting weird around him, smiling like idiots and whispering things in each other’s ear.
“What?” Fujigaya blurted out one day, letting the spoon drop in the bowl of food he was eating, the sound of it breaking the silence in the canteen.
“Nothing,” Miyata said, then he and Tamamori both smiled at each other before Miyata spoke again. “So tonight is the night!”
“What night? What are you talking about? We are in space, it’s always night.” Fujigaya answered, irritated by their snicker.
“Great, so you can see the stars.” Tamamori said.
“Is there a way not to see them?! Seriously guys, we are in space, all you can see are stars! You two are weird.” Fujigaya burst out laughing. Maybe it was better not to show he was feeling cornered and he didn’t even know what those people had in mind.
Later, Nikaido came to talk to Fujigaya when he was alone in his room. Yokoo was feeding the beasts, so Fujigaya was taking his time, listening to music out loud for once and stretching a bit. Nikaido knocked - he never dared to enter that particular room without knocking since the time Yokoo when pointed out to him that it wasn’t polite not to knock. Fujigaya didn’t hear him, and found him suddenly inside his room.
“There is something I need to show you on the observation deck.”
Fujigaya narrowed his eyes.
“Did Senga ask you to do something?”
“NO, no. I mean, it’s just... the star... of the... the supernova...” Nikaido looked confused and out of ideas. Fujigaya thought they all sucked at being subtle. This was obviously a plan to get him and Yokoo together. As if they didn’t share a room already and needed their help.
“Okay, I’ll come. Do I have time to change my shirt first?”
“Eh? Ah, okay...”
In a few minutes, Fujigaya was guided on the observation deck, where, as expected, he found Yokoo, sitting at a table in front of candles and wine. Candles! That must have been Senga’s freaking idea of romantic, Fujigaya guessed. Miyata and Tamamori appeared to pour wine and bring the first course in. Fujigaya sat down in front of Yokoo and studied the other’s face.
“So what do we do now?” He asked, breaking the silence and waking up Yokoo from his daydreaming. He wasn’t even sure the other had realized he arrived.
“I guess we eat?” Yokoo said, unfolding his napkin and taking the fork.
“They put so much effort in this. This food doesn’t even look like space food.”
“It’s really well done,” Yokoo said, taking a mouthful of his chicken. Tamamori was about to bring another dish when he stumbled and almost made everything fall on the floor. Miyata ran to help him, spilling wine from the bottle he was holding as he tried to get the tray from Tamamori’s hands.
“I can’t believe they are really doing this,” Fujigaya said. “I mean, they even suck. They put so much effort in this and then they chose Miyata and Tamamori to serve at the table? How can that Miyata be a juggler and be so clumsy with everything else?”
“Indeed,” Yokoo giggled, “but Nikaido doesn’t seem a better choice.”
“Are they trying to listen to what we say now?” Fujigaya said, bending a little towards the other side of the table.
“I guess you’re not enjoying the dinner.” Yokoo said wiping his lips and placing the napkin back on the table.
“Come on Watta. This is all a put-on! Senga has this weird ideas sometimes...”
“What ideas?”
“Ideas... about us.” Fujigaya said looking sideways and probably blushing a little, though he wasn’t sure he was actually blushing or he just felt hot and flustered.
“I wonder how would he have such ideas.”
“Yeah I mean, there’s nothing between us. We are not really a couple or something...” Fujigaya was starting to get nervous. The look Yokoo gave him after that, made everything worse.
“Actually Taisuke, I asked Senga to call you here.”
Fujigaya’s eyes popped out and now he was sure he was blushing, too embarrassed to talk properly.
“Well, if it isn’t a nice dinner...” Fujigaya smiled, embarrassment surfacing in every body gesture.
“Taisuke, you can say it if you don’t like it, also,” Yokoo continued, “I didn’t ask for any dinner, that was their idea. But it was too late to say no, since they’d already prepared everything.”
“So this is not a date?” Fujigaya sounded confused, but he had kind of hoped Yokoo had really wanted a date after all. So much he couldn’t keep his poker face anymore.
Yokoo smirked and looked at his glass of wine.
“Taisuke I need to tell you something,” Yokoo said, sending Miyata and Tamamori out of the deck with just a look.
Fujigaya didn’t want to talk. He wanted to sweep away all the things on the table and jump over to the other side and seize Yokoo’s mouth, but then he thought it might have just been the wine that was starting to make him feel tipsy and excited. He looked at Yokoo and gave him sign to go ahead.
“When you came here I didn’t trust you at all.”
“Wow, now I’m shocked because of this revelation.” Fujigaya said, sarcasm obvious in his tone.
“But I came to know you better, and I liked what I saw. I liked it... I like it a lot. To the point that now I always think about you and how you would react to everything, and I want you to be happy and enjoy it here.”
“Wataru are you telling me you like me?”
“I am, like I told you other times. You know I like you. But there’s more.”
“Go on please.”
“Don’t think that I didn’t understand what you wanted every time you came closer to me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to answer to those attentions.”
“I wasn’t trying to-”
“Taisuke please, you spread yourself on me like jam on bread sometimes.”
“I’m sorry if that upsets you. I thought you liked this... sort of things.”
“I do. It’s just that, I guess I don’t want to get hurt. Letting you get too close is...”
“Don’t give me this shit, please.”
“It’s true. Taisuke you lost your memory. As far as I know you could wake up tomorrow and be a completely different person if your memories are back!” Yokoo’s voice was again high-pitched, like every time he was agitated.
“But I am me. I know what I’m feeling and...” Fujigaya looked sideways, “I like you. And I want you. And I want you to hold me.”
“Taisuke, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay to say you don’t want me, don’t use my amnesia as an excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse. I...”
“I’ve had enough.”
Fujigaya rushed out of the room and bumped into Kitayama in the corridor.
“Running away?”
“Leave me alone,” Fujigaya said trying to find the space to pass in the small corridor. It shouldn’t have been so difficult since Kitayama wasn’t a giant, but he was spreading himself in all the available space on purpose.
“Hey, Yokoo really likes you. You can’t blame him if he gets scared when things get serious.”
“Mind your business and let me pass.”
“Seriously, why are you like that?”
“What do you know anyway?”
“I know enough to tell that you’re behaving like a child.”
“Right, it makes sense if another child tells me that. I’m not listening.”
“I know you’re not. That’s why you’re running away.”
“Shut up Kitayama. Why is everyone on this spaceship incapable of fucking minding their own business?” Fujigaya pushed Kitayama away and went straight to his room.
He sat on the bed, bringing his knees to his chest and encircling them with his arms. He sat there for one minute, his face resting in the gap between his knees. He was trying to blow off the steam inside his brain. After he calmed down just a little, he took out a box and started throwing things inside it. He didn’t care that all the other rooms were taken already, Senga owed him one, he and his stupid ideas, so he couldn’t deny him the room exchange. Then he changed his mind again, thinking about what Yokoo had said, that “the date” or whatever had happened on the observation deck had all been his idea and that he wanted to talk with him. But Fujigaya had enough. He waited for too long just to get a speech about how they were perfect for each other but they couldn’t be together because he had lost his memory. As if in the event of his memory coming back, he would forget about Yokoo. It wasn’t enough that he himself feared the moment his memory would come back, revealing why he was a stowaway, and why he had this uncomfortable feeling about his past. Maybe he would remember to be a criminal, or other horrible things. No that wasn’t enough. Now the stupid memory was ruining his present and future. It was ruining everything and Fujigaya wished it would never be back.
How could Yokoo think he would be different? Fujigaya started to understand why Yokoo would think something like that. He didn’t know who he was before. Maybe his old self had other things he cared for. Maybe he wouldn’t hesitate to leave the circus once his old self came back. But he didn’t want to lose against the self he didn’t know anything about. Suddenly he was his own worst enemy.
“Taisuke.” Yokoo’s voice called him, from behind his shoulders. Fujigaya kept on tossing things in the box, without turning around.
“Don’t worry, you can stay here. I’ll leave. I guess it would be embarrassing to stay in the same room after that.” Fujigaya said looking at a necklace while trying to remember if it was actually one of his possession or Yokoo’s. He tossed it aside, thinking that it was probably Yokoo’s.
“Taisuke... I...”
“Please, don’t say anything.” I’m going to kill you if you say we are still friends now.
Suddenly Fujigaya felt wrapped up by a warm hug while Yokoo’s hair brushed his cheeks and his face rubbed on his shoulder and neck. Without a word Yokoo turned him around to face him, lips sealed in a sweet smile. He pushed Fujigaya to seat on the bed and sat on his lap, his arms still encircling his shoulders. Fujigaya could only stare and bat his eyelids more often than usual as Yokoo kissed him on his cheek, then on his eyelid, then brushed his nose and stopped for a second in front of his mouth. His eyes went to meet Fujigaya’s eyes and forced him to close them quickly. Fujigaya felt Yokoo’s lips brushing onto his lips, his breath warm, everything around him was warm and soft and everything around him was Yokoo and had Yokoo’s smell. Their lips linked for a short time, shorter than a breath, but Fujigaya felt a rush of warm blood invading his mind. Happiness drowned him in a dreamy, unreal atmosphere made of muffled sounds or no sound at all.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw Yokoo smiling, lips still closed and still looking so inviting that Fujigaya’s only wish was to seize them and never let them go. But he remembered to think even if he was so excited. He remembered what had just happened in the observation deck and he suddenly felt so stupid and so astonished.
“Why?” Fujigaya managed to ask, his voice sounding incredibly loud as it broke the dream apart.
“I just wanted to show you that I can be close to you. I can and I want. I totally do.”
Fujigaya realized how silly it had been to run away. How silly it had been to wait until that night to confess his feelings. He had always known Yokoo liked him, and he had always known he liked him just as much as he did. To be fair, part of the guilt was Yokoo’s, since with his continuous running away he had scared him and caused him not to believe his instinct.
“Wataru, you just said that you are unsure. That if I remember my past I might be a different person and hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You totally want,” Yokoo smirked.
“I don’t! I don’t, really. I was just annoyed with myself and my amnesia and...”
“It’s totally fine if you hurt me Taisuke. I decided that I want to take the risk.”
“Why?”
“Don’t ask silly questions and kiss me again.”
“I can kiss you as much as you want, but I still want to know why.”
“Because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to think that I don’t like to be this close to you. You’re totally worth the risk.”
Fujigaya felt Yokoo pushing him down on the mattress and pressing his lips on him again. He responded to the kiss, opening his mouth to let Yokoo in to explore and play with his tongue. He ran a hand into his hair and grabbed the back of his head to force him to take more from his mouth, as if he could drink his soul and desire, as if he could make him forget more than he had already forgotten. If he could have all this he didn’t actually care about his amnesia. He could fill up his memories with every corner of Yokoo’s mouth, with every single strand of soft hair he was combing between his fingers.
Everything started getting hot; Yokoo’s body on him felt so good and he wanted to touch him and wished for more and he could feel on his tight that Yokoo wanted him too. He could also feel Yokoo’s hands starting to roam on his body, among the pleats of his shirt, pressing the fabric against him and rubbing him until they got tired of just wanting more skin and actually went to look for it under the clothes. Meanwhile, his lips had gone down, trailing kisses and skimming with teeth on Fujigaya’s neck, while Fujigaya was arching towards him, exposing more of his neck to Yokoo’s lips, or bites or anything he wanted to do. His body was pushing up against Yokoo and he wanted to feel more, he wanted to be touched and suddenly he wanted to touch too, so he started moving his hands - so far trapped among Yokoo’s hair - all the way down his back. Then he moved them on his sides, on his stomach and on his chest, ending to ran up his neck and cage Yokoo’s face with their fingers, stealing a messy kiss with his mouth already busy breathing deeply.
“Wataru, I want you,” Fujigaya said, his lips still partly pressed on his mouth, or maybe now it was his neck, he wasn’t sure what he was kissing anymore, moving so fast to reach every unexplored corner. Everywhere felt good and he was amazed at how his body could feel so much so intensely. Yokoo muffled a reply against his neck, but his intention became clear only when he started rubbing his crotch against Fujigaya, exposing his will to go all the way without stopping.
Fujigaya helped him out of his shirt and Yokoo did the same. Then Fujigaya unbuttoned his trousers and only when they were both naked next to each other, he stopped to take a look at Yokoo’s skin, so pale and wrapped around his diaphanous figure. Yokoo was staring at him mesmerized too.
“Taisuke, are you okay with this?”
“Idiot, what are you talking about.”
“I don’t know. I’m too ecstatic to think. The only thing in my mind now is you. But...”
“Shut up and come here.”
Fujigaya rolled on him for a kiss, while his hand touched Yokoo’s cock and started exploring the area, ending up wrapping its fingers around his length.
Yokoo was still exploring Fujigaya’s body, taking a pause around his nipples and having fun sending shivers down his spine with every touch and lick of his tongue. But as he realized Fujigaya was starting to stroke him, he reached out to grab his cock too and as his long fingers wrapped around it, Fujigaya emitted a pleased noise.
“Yes, please. Touch me.”
Yokoo started stroking him, experimenting with the pace and letting Fujigaya do the same on him. He kissed him again, but the result was messy. Fujigaya moved away his hair from his face and stole another kiss. Then he rolled more on top of him, their legs entwined, and moved so that their cocks touched. The feeling of it sent a whole new train of shivers throughout their bodies. Fujigaya still wanted more, but maybe this was fine for their very first time. He wondered for a second how Yokoo would feel inside him, hard and thrusting forcefully, and just the thought of it made his brain sparkle and send desperate noises from his mouth. He really wanted more, he didn’t want to wait, he wanted all. He didn’t remember his past, he didn’t know whether he had done this before, but the way his body was calling for it made him think that maybe he already felt something like that before. Moreover, somehow he definitely did know what was going to happen next, and was looking forward to it.
Yokoo had noticed Fujigaya was losing the pace, so he grabbed both cocks in his hand and continued jerking them both.
“This feels so good, Taisuke.”
“I want to make you feel good, I want to make you feel even better than this.” Fujigaya said biting his lips. He didn’t feel embarrassed or awkward, but he didn’t want Yokoo to feel that way too, so he hoped he understood even if he wasn’t asking directly.
Yokoo’s eyes gleamed and he slowed down the strokes.
“Now?”
“Am I asking too much? Because, I’m fine with this as well.”
“No, I don’t mind if you want to do something else. Just...”
“Just what?”
“How exactly do you want me to feel better?”
Fujigaya sniggered and then grabbed Yokoo’s hand drawing it near his balls, but not quite there, just a bit further than that.
“I want you inside me,” he said, “if you don’t mind doing that much work.”
“I don’t mind, but... like this? If I knew I would have bought something... or asked someone to lend me...”
“Do you really want to use other people’s stuff?” Fujigaya laughed. “I should have that massaging oil I bought last time somewhere.” Fujigaya stretched on Yokoo to reach the cabinet next to his bed and after rustling among the stuff inside without looking, he found the bottle he was looking for. “We’ll smell like almonds, but it’s really nice.”
“Taisuke, you lost your memory, but how come you’re so good and prepared for this?”
“Wataru, stop asking stupid things and come here.” Fujigaya wrapped his arms around Yokoo’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, while he was spreading his legs on the bed.
“Well, I don’t need to be begged for this, I want you just as much,” Yokoo said squeezing the bottle on his fingers and spreading the oil with them. “Or maybe I want you to beg for it actually?”
“Wataruuu!” Fujigaya whined, grabbing his hand and guiding him toward his hole.
“Perhaps you wanted to say ‘Wataru, please?’” Yokoo teased.
“Please, stop being stupid,” Fujigaya said pouting, then he started skimming his teeth on Yokoo’s collarbone. Yokoo grinned and looked at Fujigaya’s serious, demanding eyes before starting to rub his finger around his hole, teasingly exploring his body. Fujigaya let out a low moan as a finger entered him. Yokoo moved it slowly until Fujigaya relaxed his muscles.
Fujigaya started to feel good quite soon, and pushed down on Yokoo’s hand asking for more. Yokoo took his time working him open, but as he felt Fujigaya relaxing around him, he pushed another finger in. Fujigaya wanted him more and more. Imagining him inside him, hot and long and filling him with his warmth, was enough to make him feel dizzy, but he also appreciated that Yokoo was being very careful with him, taking care of him in the best way, worrying about how he felt and making him feel comfortable. Being with him was just as he had imagined it would be. Yokoo was kind and caring, and that made Fujigaya think everything was even hotter. Yokoo’s hands were delicately touching him, his long fingers inside him felt so good.
“Wataru, I’m ready.”
“Are you sure?”
Fujigaya nodded and whined as Yokoo pulled away his fingers and touched his own cock to make it harder. Fujigaya’s hand reached to touch him wherever they could, brushing on Yokoo’s warm skin, smoothing every corner of his body and grabbing everything he could to pull him closer, between his legs. Yokoo looked into his eyes and biting his lower lip, he started to slide gently inside him. Fujigaya curled his legs around Yokoo’s thin waist and slid down to get more of Yokoo’s inside him.
Yokoo’s started thrusting harder and deeper. His face a mix of pleasure, delight and ecstatic expressions. His hands were wrapped around Fujigaya’s hips, fingers digging into his skin as he pushed inside him. Fujigaya arched under him, exposing more skin for Yokoo’s hands to explore as the other began to smooth his sides, then rubbed his hands on his chest.
“Wataru...”
“Mm?” Yokoo moaned, as his hair were whipping his face a every thrust.
“Please, touch me,” Fujigaya pleaded, skin flushed and breath short, under Yokoo.
Yokoo moved one hand till he reached Fujigaya’s length and then he wrapped his fingers around it. His thumb went to smooth the tip of Fujigaya’s cock, before he started to stroke him, at the same rhythm with his thrusts.
“I’m close Taisuke,” Yokoo muttered. Fujigaya could only reply with a moan. He was feeling too much and at the same time he forgot about everything else that wasn’t his orgasm before he came spilling on Yokoo’s hand, and his stomach. Yokoo thrust just another couple of times before his body tensed in the rush of the orgasm.Then he relaxed again, sinking into Fujigaya’s body, resting on him as Fujigaya entangled his fingers among his hair again. Yokoo pulled out of him and after they cleaned up quickly, they lay next to each other, Fujigaya resting his head on Yokoo’s arm, his arm across the other’s chest, fingers smoothing his skin along his sides. The air still smelled of Yokoo and somehow the smell was more intense and penetrating, and made him want to be lulled into a dream while he was still in his arms.
“Wataru,” Fujigaya whispered, his eyes were still open, but the eyelids were heavy with the dreams he wanted to dream, with the sleep full of good things.
“Wataru, I don’t know who I was before.”
“Taisuke...” Yokoo’s voice calling his name sounded sweet and warm.
“But I certainly know who I am now. And what I want. And this isn’t a place I want to leave anytime soon.”
Yokoo closed his eyes and a deep breath made his chest raise and then sink again. He squeezed Fujigaya with his arm, and his other hand went to grab the arm that was crossing his chest.
“I believe you, Taisuke. And I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I’m sorry it took too long for me to realize that my happiness was just here and I only needed to hold out my hand to grab it.”
All that mattered was there, inside that spaceship. Fujigaya knew it was like that. He didn’t care if his memory would never come back, he didn’t care if he’d never knew who he was. He loved that place, he loved being in Yokoo’s arms. He loved the circus and he loved the people working with him, the dreams they could see reflected in all the kids that came to watch their show, the stars and planets yet to explore.
He wasn’t going to leave. No matter what he would find out, the circus was his place.
--
CHAPTER 13
The days were passing by in a sort of dreamy, constantly busy atmosphere. Having so many people around kept Fujigaya occupied even in boring space. His memories weren’t back, but new memories filled up his mind, with all the shows and planets they visited, all the happy moments with the people that he considered now his friends.
Fujigaya was drawn closer to Yokoo by every single gesture, and he couldn’t explain why he was feeling so attracted to him. Maybe it was his kindness, which he always showed him, or maybe it was just the fact his smell was driving him crazy every day more and he wanted to sink his hands in his hair and feel the touch of his skin with his own. Fujigaya wasn’t subtle about it, and he invited Yokoo to make the first move more than once, but he just didn’t get it, even if he didn’t deny him some physical closeness in the form of an hug or friendly gestures.
“I can’t believe you two are not together yet, it’s been months!” Senga objected, like every time they picked up the topic.
“I’m not exactly sure Yokoo likes me. Every single time I try to get a bit closer it’s like he’s running away,” Fujigaya sighed.
“Than catch him. I’m pretty sure he likes to be caught.”
“I like to be caught too, that’s why I send signals.”
“Oh please, Gaya-san.”
“Plus, I’m not sure we want to cross the line between friendship and... whatever there is behind that line. We are fine like this. Maybe I should find someone else for my... needs.”
“You could, but that doesn’t change the fact that you love Yokoo.” Senga was smiling excited. Fujigaya looked down to hide the evidence that he was starting to blush, he felt extremely annoyed when someone pointed out what he was feeling before he himself had found the words to define it.
“I don’t know if I love him. I just-”
“But you’re not denying it!” Senga placed a finger in front of Fujigaya’s face. “You lost your memory right? So this is like, your first love! Isn’t it romantic?”
“So romantic I’m about to puke. Kenchan! I have a problem here, can we discuss it seriously?!”
“I was serious.” Senga frowned.
“Then can we not discuss about this like we were little girls?” Fujigaya said in exasperation, fingers massaging his temples as if all that talk was giving him a headache.
“Okay, okay. Why don’t you ask him out or something.”
“If we go out from the spaceship now we’ll die.”
“I meant, when we reach the destination.”
“I can’t wait so long. I’ve waited enough. If I have to do something about it, it needs to be direct so that he doesn’t misunderstand. Plus, the next planet looks boring and we’ll be so busy with shows we won’t even have the time to talk about going out.”
“Leave it to me.”
Fujigaya didn’t want to leave anything to Senga. He didn’t want to leave anything to anyone and he started to regret having even talked about it with him in the first place. He felt even more regretful when he noticed Miyata and Tamamori started acting weird around him, smiling like idiots and whispering things in each other’s ear.
“What?” Fujigaya blurted out one day, letting the spoon drop in the bowl of food he was eating, the sound of it breaking the silence in the canteen.
“Nothing,” Miyata said, then he and Tamamori both smiled at each other before Miyata spoke again. “So tonight is the night!”
“What night? What are you talking about? We are in space, it’s always night.” Fujigaya answered, irritated by their snicker.
“Great, so you can see the stars.” Tamamori said.
“Is there a way not to see them?! Seriously guys, we are in space, all you can see are stars! You two are weird.” Fujigaya burst out laughing. Maybe it was better not to show he was feeling cornered and he didn’t even know what those people had in mind.
Later, Nikaido came to talk to Fujigaya when he was alone in his room. Yokoo was feeding the beasts, so Fujigaya was taking his time, listening to music out loud for once and stretching a bit. Nikaido knocked - he never dared to enter that particular room without knocking since the time Yokoo when pointed out to him that it wasn’t polite not to knock. Fujigaya didn’t hear him, and found him suddenly inside his room.
“There is something I need to show you on the observation deck.”
Fujigaya narrowed his eyes.
“Did Senga ask you to do something?”
“NO, no. I mean, it’s just... the star... of the... the supernova...” Nikaido looked confused and out of ideas. Fujigaya thought they all sucked at being subtle. This was obviously a plan to get him and Yokoo together. As if they didn’t share a room already and needed their help.
“Okay, I’ll come. Do I have time to change my shirt first?”
“Eh? Ah, okay...”
In a few minutes, Fujigaya was guided on the observation deck, where, as expected, he found Yokoo, sitting at a table in front of candles and wine. Candles! That must have been Senga’s freaking idea of romantic, Fujigaya guessed. Miyata and Tamamori appeared to pour wine and bring the first course in. Fujigaya sat down in front of Yokoo and studied the other’s face.
“So what do we do now?” He asked, breaking the silence and waking up Yokoo from his daydreaming. He wasn’t even sure the other had realized he arrived.
“I guess we eat?” Yokoo said, unfolding his napkin and taking the fork.
“They put so much effort in this. This food doesn’t even look like space food.”
“It’s really well done,” Yokoo said, taking a mouthful of his chicken. Tamamori was about to bring another dish when he stumbled and almost made everything fall on the floor. Miyata ran to help him, spilling wine from the bottle he was holding as he tried to get the tray from Tamamori’s hands.
“I can’t believe they are really doing this,” Fujigaya said. “I mean, they even suck. They put so much effort in this and then they chose Miyata and Tamamori to serve at the table? How can that Miyata be a juggler and be so clumsy with everything else?”
“Indeed,” Yokoo giggled, “but Nikaido doesn’t seem a better choice.”
“Are they trying to listen to what we say now?” Fujigaya said, bending a little towards the other side of the table.
“I guess you’re not enjoying the dinner.” Yokoo said wiping his lips and placing the napkin back on the table.
“Come on Watta. This is all a put-on! Senga has this weird ideas sometimes...”
“What ideas?”
“Ideas... about us.” Fujigaya said looking sideways and probably blushing a little, though he wasn’t sure he was actually blushing or he just felt hot and flustered.
“I wonder how would he have such ideas.”
“Yeah I mean, there’s nothing between us. We are not really a couple or something...” Fujigaya was starting to get nervous. The look Yokoo gave him after that, made everything worse.
“Actually Taisuke, I asked Senga to call you here.”
Fujigaya’s eyes popped out and now he was sure he was blushing, too embarrassed to talk properly.
“Well, if it isn’t a nice dinner...” Fujigaya smiled, embarrassment surfacing in every body gesture.
“Taisuke, you can say it if you don’t like it, also,” Yokoo continued, “I didn’t ask for any dinner, that was their idea. But it was too late to say no, since they’d already prepared everything.”
“So this is not a date?” Fujigaya sounded confused, but he had kind of hoped Yokoo had really wanted a date after all. So much he couldn’t keep his poker face anymore.
Yokoo smirked and looked at his glass of wine.
“Taisuke I need to tell you something,” Yokoo said, sending Miyata and Tamamori out of the deck with just a look.
Fujigaya didn’t want to talk. He wanted to sweep away all the things on the table and jump over to the other side and seize Yokoo’s mouth, but then he thought it might have just been the wine that was starting to make him feel tipsy and excited. He looked at Yokoo and gave him sign to go ahead.
“When you came here I didn’t trust you at all.”
“Wow, now I’m shocked because of this revelation.” Fujigaya said, sarcasm obvious in his tone.
“But I came to know you better, and I liked what I saw. I liked it... I like it a lot. To the point that now I always think about you and how you would react to everything, and I want you to be happy and enjoy it here.”
“Wataru are you telling me you like me?”
“I am, like I told you other times. You know I like you. But there’s more.”
“Go on please.”
“Don’t think that I didn’t understand what you wanted every time you came closer to me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to answer to those attentions.”
“I wasn’t trying to-”
“Taisuke please, you spread yourself on me like jam on bread sometimes.”
“I’m sorry if that upsets you. I thought you liked this... sort of things.”
“I do. It’s just that, I guess I don’t want to get hurt. Letting you get too close is...”
“Don’t give me this shit, please.”
“It’s true. Taisuke you lost your memory. As far as I know you could wake up tomorrow and be a completely different person if your memories are back!” Yokoo’s voice was again high-pitched, like every time he was agitated.
“But I am me. I know what I’m feeling and...” Fujigaya looked sideways, “I like you. And I want you. And I want you to hold me.”
“Taisuke, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay to say you don’t want me, don’t use my amnesia as an excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse. I...”
“I’ve had enough.”
Fujigaya rushed out of the room and bumped into Kitayama in the corridor.
“Running away?”
“Leave me alone,” Fujigaya said trying to find the space to pass in the small corridor. It shouldn’t have been so difficult since Kitayama wasn’t a giant, but he was spreading himself in all the available space on purpose.
“Hey, Yokoo really likes you. You can’t blame him if he gets scared when things get serious.”
“Mind your business and let me pass.”
“Seriously, why are you like that?”
“What do you know anyway?”
“I know enough to tell that you’re behaving like a child.”
“Right, it makes sense if another child tells me that. I’m not listening.”
“I know you’re not. That’s why you’re running away.”
“Shut up Kitayama. Why is everyone on this spaceship incapable of fucking minding their own business?” Fujigaya pushed Kitayama away and went straight to his room.
He sat on the bed, bringing his knees to his chest and encircling them with his arms. He sat there for one minute, his face resting in the gap between his knees. He was trying to blow off the steam inside his brain. After he calmed down just a little, he took out a box and started throwing things inside it. He didn’t care that all the other rooms were taken already, Senga owed him one, he and his stupid ideas, so he couldn’t deny him the room exchange. Then he changed his mind again, thinking about what Yokoo had said, that “the date” or whatever had happened on the observation deck had all been his idea and that he wanted to talk with him. But Fujigaya had enough. He waited for too long just to get a speech about how they were perfect for each other but they couldn’t be together because he had lost his memory. As if in the event of his memory coming back, he would forget about Yokoo. It wasn’t enough that he himself feared the moment his memory would come back, revealing why he was a stowaway, and why he had this uncomfortable feeling about his past. Maybe he would remember to be a criminal, or other horrible things. No that wasn’t enough. Now the stupid memory was ruining his present and future. It was ruining everything and Fujigaya wished it would never be back.
How could Yokoo think he would be different? Fujigaya started to understand why Yokoo would think something like that. He didn’t know who he was before. Maybe his old self had other things he cared for. Maybe he wouldn’t hesitate to leave the circus once his old self came back. But he didn’t want to lose against the self he didn’t know anything about. Suddenly he was his own worst enemy.
“Taisuke.” Yokoo’s voice called him, from behind his shoulders. Fujigaya kept on tossing things in the box, without turning around.
“Don’t worry, you can stay here. I’ll leave. I guess it would be embarrassing to stay in the same room after that.” Fujigaya said looking at a necklace while trying to remember if it was actually one of his possession or Yokoo’s. He tossed it aside, thinking that it was probably Yokoo’s.
“Taisuke... I...”
“Please, don’t say anything.” I’m going to kill you if you say we are still friends now.
Suddenly Fujigaya felt wrapped up by a warm hug while Yokoo’s hair brushed his cheeks and his face rubbed on his shoulder and neck. Without a word Yokoo turned him around to face him, lips sealed in a sweet smile. He pushed Fujigaya to seat on the bed and sat on his lap, his arms still encircling his shoulders. Fujigaya could only stare and bat his eyelids more often than usual as Yokoo kissed him on his cheek, then on his eyelid, then brushed his nose and stopped for a second in front of his mouth. His eyes went to meet Fujigaya’s eyes and forced him to close them quickly. Fujigaya felt Yokoo’s lips brushing onto his lips, his breath warm, everything around him was warm and soft and everything around him was Yokoo and had Yokoo’s smell. Their lips linked for a short time, shorter than a breath, but Fujigaya felt a rush of warm blood invading his mind. Happiness drowned him in a dreamy, unreal atmosphere made of muffled sounds or no sound at all.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw Yokoo smiling, lips still closed and still looking so inviting that Fujigaya’s only wish was to seize them and never let them go. But he remembered to think even if he was so excited. He remembered what had just happened in the observation deck and he suddenly felt so stupid and so astonished.
“Why?” Fujigaya managed to ask, his voice sounding incredibly loud as it broke the dream apart.
“I just wanted to show you that I can be close to you. I can and I want. I totally do.”
Fujigaya realized how silly it had been to run away. How silly it had been to wait until that night to confess his feelings. He had always known Yokoo liked him, and he had always known he liked him just as much as he did. To be fair, part of the guilt was Yokoo’s, since with his continuous running away he had scared him and caused him not to believe his instinct.
“Wataru, you just said that you are unsure. That if I remember my past I might be a different person and hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You totally want,” Yokoo smirked.
“I don’t! I don’t, really. I was just annoyed with myself and my amnesia and...”
“It’s totally fine if you hurt me Taisuke. I decided that I want to take the risk.”
“Why?”
“Don’t ask silly questions and kiss me again.”
“I can kiss you as much as you want, but I still want to know why.”
“Because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to think that I don’t like to be this close to you. You’re totally worth the risk.”
Fujigaya felt Yokoo pushing him down on the mattress and pressing his lips on him again. He responded to the kiss, opening his mouth to let Yokoo in to explore and play with his tongue. He ran a hand into his hair and grabbed the back of his head to force him to take more from his mouth, as if he could drink his soul and desire, as if he could make him forget more than he had already forgotten. If he could have all this he didn’t actually care about his amnesia. He could fill up his memories with every corner of Yokoo’s mouth, with every single strand of soft hair he was combing between his fingers.
Everything started getting hot; Yokoo’s body on him felt so good and he wanted to touch him and wished for more and he could feel on his tight that Yokoo wanted him too. He could also feel Yokoo’s hands starting to roam on his body, among the pleats of his shirt, pressing the fabric against him and rubbing him until they got tired of just wanting more skin and actually went to look for it under the clothes. Meanwhile, his lips had gone down, trailing kisses and skimming with teeth on Fujigaya’s neck, while Fujigaya was arching towards him, exposing more of his neck to Yokoo’s lips, or bites or anything he wanted to do. His body was pushing up against Yokoo and he wanted to feel more, he wanted to be touched and suddenly he wanted to touch too, so he started moving his hands - so far trapped among Yokoo’s hair - all the way down his back. Then he moved them on his sides, on his stomach and on his chest, ending to ran up his neck and cage Yokoo’s face with their fingers, stealing a messy kiss with his mouth already busy breathing deeply.
“Wataru, I want you,” Fujigaya said, his lips still partly pressed on his mouth, or maybe now it was his neck, he wasn’t sure what he was kissing anymore, moving so fast to reach every unexplored corner. Everywhere felt good and he was amazed at how his body could feel so much so intensely. Yokoo muffled a reply against his neck, but his intention became clear only when he started rubbing his crotch against Fujigaya, exposing his will to go all the way without stopping.
Fujigaya helped him out of his shirt and Yokoo did the same. Then Fujigaya unbuttoned his trousers and only when they were both naked next to each other, he stopped to take a look at Yokoo’s skin, so pale and wrapped around his diaphanous figure. Yokoo was staring at him mesmerized too.
“Taisuke, are you okay with this?”
“Idiot, what are you talking about.”
“I don’t know. I’m too ecstatic to think. The only thing in my mind now is you. But...”
“Shut up and come here.”
Fujigaya rolled on him for a kiss, while his hand touched Yokoo’s cock and started exploring the area, ending up wrapping its fingers around his length.
Yokoo was still exploring Fujigaya’s body, taking a pause around his nipples and having fun sending shivers down his spine with every touch and lick of his tongue. But as he realized Fujigaya was starting to stroke him, he reached out to grab his cock too and as his long fingers wrapped around it, Fujigaya emitted a pleased noise.
“Yes, please. Touch me.”
Yokoo started stroking him, experimenting with the pace and letting Fujigaya do the same on him. He kissed him again, but the result was messy. Fujigaya moved away his hair from his face and stole another kiss. Then he rolled more on top of him, their legs entwined, and moved so that their cocks touched. The feeling of it sent a whole new train of shivers throughout their bodies. Fujigaya still wanted more, but maybe this was fine for their very first time. He wondered for a second how Yokoo would feel inside him, hard and thrusting forcefully, and just the thought of it made his brain sparkle and send desperate noises from his mouth. He really wanted more, he didn’t want to wait, he wanted all. He didn’t remember his past, he didn’t know whether he had done this before, but the way his body was calling for it made him think that maybe he already felt something like that before. Moreover, somehow he definitely did know what was going to happen next, and was looking forward to it.
Yokoo had noticed Fujigaya was losing the pace, so he grabbed both cocks in his hand and continued jerking them both.
“This feels so good, Taisuke.”
“I want to make you feel good, I want to make you feel even better than this.” Fujigaya said biting his lips. He didn’t feel embarrassed or awkward, but he didn’t want Yokoo to feel that way too, so he hoped he understood even if he wasn’t asking directly.
Yokoo’s eyes gleamed and he slowed down the strokes.
“Now?”
“Am I asking too much? Because, I’m fine with this as well.”
“No, I don’t mind if you want to do something else. Just...”
“Just what?”
“How exactly do you want me to feel better?”
Fujigaya sniggered and then grabbed Yokoo’s hand drawing it near his balls, but not quite there, just a bit further than that.
“I want you inside me,” he said, “if you don’t mind doing that much work.”
“I don’t mind, but... like this? If I knew I would have bought something... or asked someone to lend me...”
“Do you really want to use other people’s stuff?” Fujigaya laughed. “I should have that massaging oil I bought last time somewhere.” Fujigaya stretched on Yokoo to reach the cabinet next to his bed and after rustling among the stuff inside without looking, he found the bottle he was looking for. “We’ll smell like almonds, but it’s really nice.”
“Taisuke, you lost your memory, but how come you’re so good and prepared for this?”
“Wataru, stop asking stupid things and come here.” Fujigaya wrapped his arms around Yokoo’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, while he was spreading his legs on the bed.
“Well, I don’t need to be begged for this, I want you just as much,” Yokoo said squeezing the bottle on his fingers and spreading the oil with them. “Or maybe I want you to beg for it actually?”
“Wataruuu!” Fujigaya whined, grabbing his hand and guiding him toward his hole.
“Perhaps you wanted to say ‘Wataru, please?’” Yokoo teased.
“Please, stop being stupid,” Fujigaya said pouting, then he started skimming his teeth on Yokoo’s collarbone. Yokoo grinned and looked at Fujigaya’s serious, demanding eyes before starting to rub his finger around his hole, teasingly exploring his body. Fujigaya let out a low moan as a finger entered him. Yokoo moved it slowly until Fujigaya relaxed his muscles.
Fujigaya started to feel good quite soon, and pushed down on Yokoo’s hand asking for more. Yokoo took his time working him open, but as he felt Fujigaya relaxing around him, he pushed another finger in. Fujigaya wanted him more and more. Imagining him inside him, hot and long and filling him with his warmth, was enough to make him feel dizzy, but he also appreciated that Yokoo was being very careful with him, taking care of him in the best way, worrying about how he felt and making him feel comfortable. Being with him was just as he had imagined it would be. Yokoo was kind and caring, and that made Fujigaya think everything was even hotter. Yokoo’s hands were delicately touching him, his long fingers inside him felt so good.
“Wataru, I’m ready.”
“Are you sure?”
Fujigaya nodded and whined as Yokoo pulled away his fingers and touched his own cock to make it harder. Fujigaya’s hand reached to touch him wherever they could, brushing on Yokoo’s warm skin, smoothing every corner of his body and grabbing everything he could to pull him closer, between his legs. Yokoo looked into his eyes and biting his lower lip, he started to slide gently inside him. Fujigaya curled his legs around Yokoo’s thin waist and slid down to get more of Yokoo’s inside him.
Yokoo’s started thrusting harder and deeper. His face a mix of pleasure, delight and ecstatic expressions. His hands were wrapped around Fujigaya’s hips, fingers digging into his skin as he pushed inside him. Fujigaya arched under him, exposing more skin for Yokoo’s hands to explore as the other began to smooth his sides, then rubbed his hands on his chest.
“Wataru...”
“Mm?” Yokoo moaned, as his hair were whipping his face a every thrust.
“Please, touch me,” Fujigaya pleaded, skin flushed and breath short, under Yokoo.
Yokoo moved one hand till he reached Fujigaya’s length and then he wrapped his fingers around it. His thumb went to smooth the tip of Fujigaya’s cock, before he started to stroke him, at the same rhythm with his thrusts.
“I’m close Taisuke,” Yokoo muttered. Fujigaya could only reply with a moan. He was feeling too much and at the same time he forgot about everything else that wasn’t his orgasm before he came spilling on Yokoo’s hand, and his stomach. Yokoo thrust just another couple of times before his body tensed in the rush of the orgasm.Then he relaxed again, sinking into Fujigaya’s body, resting on him as Fujigaya entangled his fingers among his hair again. Yokoo pulled out of him and after they cleaned up quickly, they lay next to each other, Fujigaya resting his head on Yokoo’s arm, his arm across the other’s chest, fingers smoothing his skin along his sides. The air still smelled of Yokoo and somehow the smell was more intense and penetrating, and made him want to be lulled into a dream while he was still in his arms.
“Wataru,” Fujigaya whispered, his eyes were still open, but the eyelids were heavy with the dreams he wanted to dream, with the sleep full of good things.
“Wataru, I don’t know who I was before.”
“Taisuke...” Yokoo’s voice calling his name sounded sweet and warm.
“But I certainly know who I am now. And what I want. And this isn’t a place I want to leave anytime soon.”
Yokoo closed his eyes and a deep breath made his chest raise and then sink again. He squeezed Fujigaya with his arm, and his other hand went to grab the arm that was crossing his chest.
“I believe you, Taisuke. And I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I’m sorry it took too long for me to realize that my happiness was just here and I only needed to hold out my hand to grab it.”
All that mattered was there, inside that spaceship. Fujigaya knew it was like that. He didn’t care if his memory would never come back, he didn’t care if he’d never knew who he was. He loved that place, he loved being in Yokoo’s arms. He loved the circus and he loved the people working with him, the dreams they could see reflected in all the kids that came to watch their show, the stars and planets yet to explore.
He wasn’t going to leave. No matter what he would find out, the circus was his place.
--