Sennen no Niji (Yokoo/Fujigaya; AU; R)
Title: Sennen no niji - A Thousand Years’ Rainbow
Rating: PG
Groups/Pairings: kis-my-ft2; Yokoo/Fujigaya (mentions of ABC-Z Kawai and NEWS Shige)
Word Count: 6890
Summary: Edo period. A samurai arrives in Edo from the mountains and meets a kabuki actor.
Warnings: Characters deaths, violence, blood
Notes: Written for self-exchange, here's the other fics reveals.
Taisuke is an onnagata, a men who played the part of women in kabuki theatre. They always wore a purple headpiece to cover the shaved head, typical of the male hairstyle at the time. Their attitude and clothes tended to be girlish even outside the theatre. At the time, many young kabuki actors used to be prostitutes and their customers were most of the times merchants. Merchants were usually rich, but they were disregarded as members of the society and so were all their activities, including kabuki theatre. Male homosexuality was a normal practice at the time even among samurai but for them it was seen as a “brotherhood bond”. Samurai were among the highest ranks in the society and usually it was considered deplorable to indulge in the same activities as the merchants, but some dissolute samurai used to go in the pleasure quarters too.
I had this fic idea in mind for a long time, it was also partially inspired by this song , because the lyrics fit perfectly.
--
A cold breeze was blowing, clearing away the clouds from the sky and whistling in the narrow passages, trying to sneak through the minute cracks in the wooden walls of the houses. It was early in the season, but occasional snowflakes had already twirled their way to the ground during the past few days. The cold air didn’t stop people from roaming on the bustling streets of the capital, everyone busy with their activities and unable to pay even the slightest attention to the colour of the sky.
A lone samurai was strolling through the streets, a mild expression tinting his face while his dark eyes reflected the light blue above him. The crowd around him wasn’t worth his consideration. His mind was full of memories of the faraway place in the mountains where his home was. It had been a month already since Wataru followed the Daimyo to Edo while he was paying a visit to the Shogun. It was a honour to have been chosen as a member of the guards to protect the Daimyo. Wataru was diligent and attentive, he followed the rules and he was a skilled warrior. His family had always been proud of him and so was Takizawa dono.
Wataru was rarely distracted from his duties but that sky reminded him of his home. It was so similar to the colour of the sky he used to walk under in the past, he found it excruciating. He wasn’t homesick. He just felt nostalgic for some unknown reason, longing for feelings lost long ago, when he used to look at the sky to find the resolution deep in his soul.
That day he was just looking up, trying to find something he couldn’t even name, something he wasn’t even sure existed. He wanted answers for questions that had never actually crossed his mind.
Suddenly his mind fell back to earth and realised his feet had arrived in a part of the town they had never reached before. Curious, he started to look around, a bit intimidated by the colourful crowd on these unfamiliar streets. They were definitely not the same people he usually saw in other parts of the town.
Everywhere he looked there seem to be debauchery and drunkenness, even with at least two hours left before sunset. He realized he had reached Yoshiwara, the pleasure district of Edo. This was surely not the place for a young respectable samurai like him. A place where merchants wasted their time and money to gain the favours of courtesans, or lost their composure for some kabuki actor. He had been warned that such places existed. His friend Shigeaki told him to be careful not to enter that immoral part of the town, while Fumito often insisted they should have visited, just for fun. Wataru had always said no. He certainly didn’t want to disappoint his tono by wandering around in such a place.
He tried to go back the way he came from, but he wasn’t exactly sure he remembered his path. He felt lost, but somehow his curiosity took over the feeling of trying to find his way, and he continued walking.
He was just looking around. He didn’t think of meddling with those people. Just then, a woman tried to approach him. She was talking of something Wataru couldn’t really understand. He wasn’t even paying attention to her, because his eyes were still roaming across the street and the kaleidoscopic novelty of the surroundings. Just as he was skimming through the people, his attention was caught by a person wearing a purple kimono and the typical purple headpiece that onnagata used to wear. He was walking fast in his geta, much faster than his attire and girlish attitude would allow him. He passed next to Wataru and dropped something. Still ignoring the woman, Wataru fetched a purple purse from the ground. Delicate golden flowers decorated the sheer fabric.
The young man with the purple kimono was walking very fast and didn’t even notice he had lost something. Wataru didn’t hesitate and followed him straight away. He tried shouting at him, but the young man didn’t even turn his head. Making his way among the people strolling on the road, Wataru tried to catch up with him, until the other, now walking even faster, disappeared on a side road.
When Wataru managed to reach him, the young man was on the ground, holding his ankle, in obvious pain. Wataru went close to him, but the other was still trying to get up. Wataru knelt and asked if he was okay. The other guy just fretted.
“What do you want?”
“Why are you running away from me?!”
“Because you are running after me. What do you want?!”
“You lost this,” Wataru said handing him the purple purse. The other’s expression relaxed.
“Oh... it was for this.”
“What do you think it was for?! I can’t believe it! Don’t you usually thank a person for this?” Wataru yelled.
“I-I was about to say thanks...Thanks.” His face looked sincerely sorry for having not said it immediately. Wataru relaxed and looked at the injured ankle.
“Are you hurt?”
“Mh... I’m fine!” answered the other trying to get up but failing. Wataru helped him stand by throwing one of the other guy’s arms over his shoulders and holding him by the waist.
“T-thanks!”
“Can you walk? Where do you live?”
“It’s close, don’t worry.”
“I can walk with you.”
The stranger seemed to want to refuse as he was perfectly able to walk even if his ankle still hurt, but Wataru insisted.
“I’m Wataru. What’s your name?”
“Taisuke.”
“What do you do?”
“Why do you ask? Can’t you see I’m an actor?”
“Just trying to make some conversation.”
“You’re not from Edo, are you?” Taisuke said tilting his head to look at him, “and you are a samurai,” he added when he noticed the swords hanging from his side.
“Yes. I came here to protect my tono during his visit to the Shogun.”
“Sorry. I really thought you were someone else before.”
“Someone else who?”
“Oh well, just some messenger sent by some obnoxious admirer. I’m having trouble with some people now that my play is starting to be successful.”
“I see. I’m sorry that someone is annoying you.”
“Isn’t it crazy to fall in love with an actor? You must think so.”
“I don’t...”
“Even people like us can fall in love, you know?” Taisuke smiled.
“I don’t know much about this sort of things sorry...” Wataru replied, finding it difficult to look at Taisuke.
“Are you one of those pure hearted warriors? What were you doing in this part of the town then?”
“I just lost my way.”
“What? Really?! You should have said that!” Taisuke laughed. The notes of his laughter sounded like a gleeful brook flowing down the mountain while splashing on the rocks.
--
When the pair reached Taisuke’s house, Wataru quickly found out it was actually one of those teahouses people came to in search of pleasure. He was a bit shocked at first, but then he thought about Taisuke’s wound and decided to help him inside. Taisuke’s ankle was swollen, so Wataru helped him bandage it.
“How can I dance with this?!” Taisuke whined, flailing his arms about.
“You shouldn’t dance. You should rest actually. It will probably be better in a week or so.”
Taisuke stood up and took a fan from the table. He started dancing in the quiet room, trying not to show his pain. Wataru just sat there watching, unable to utter a single word.
The fluid movement of the dance suddenly invaded all the room like a flavour in the air. Such a sweet, delicate flavour. The elegance Taisuke put in every movement moved Wataru. He knew he was probably in pain, but he couldn’t see any sign of it showing up on his face. Taisuke’s eyes were piercing him with a powerful look.
“You are very good,” Wataru whispered, enraptured. Taisuke sighed and plopped onto the tatami.
“It wasn’t good at all. I can bear the pain, but I’m afraid the dance is a complete mess.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault that this happened. Just because I started running after you...”
“Forget it. It was just a misunderstanding. I was mistaken. I thought you were someone else.”
“Who is annoying you so much?”
“Someone who can’t get over how gorgeous I am, obviously,” Taisuke said drawing his face closer to Wataru’s.
Wataru blushed as he felt Taisuke’s breath on his skin. “I’m... I mean, you definitely... sorry but I’m... ”
“Relax! I was just joking.” Taisuke backed off, laughing.
“I just don’t understand. Even before, when you were talking about love. So I was wondering, why is this person feeling like this towards you?”
Taisuke just stared at him coldly.
“I-I didn’t mean to say that... this way. I mean you are definitely... nice.” Wataru had the sudden desire to flip the tatami over to hide under it. “But shouldn’t what you do be something guided by affection and brotherhood instead by money?”
“That’s how it is for samurai, isn’t it? You really are pure.”
“What?”
“Never mind. I’m sure you’re not bad.” Taisuke smiled. “Would you like some tea? Sorry if I didn’t ask earlier.”
“I should probably go back,” Wataru said, standing up.
“You will be the first man that leaves this room without having had his way with me,” Taisuke smirked.
“W-what are you talking about?! I’m not like that!” Wataru bellowed. The red on his cheeks never had the time to fade that day.
“You really don’t seem to be. That’s good!” Taisuke smiled and clapped his hands. “We can be friends then!”
Wataru looked at the other with a puzzled expression. Somehow he wasn’t at all shocked by Taisuke’s honest straightforwardness. He actually felt happy.
“I-I’ll come again. To make sure your ankle is not getting worse!”
“Seriously?! I thought you were going to hit me because I dared to say something like that.”
After saying goodbye, Wataru’s heart was pounding. He met someone that wasn’t like any other person he had met before. He wanted to know more about him, ask him questions about his life which he couldn’t understand at all. Was he happy like that? Living in such a place... Wataru couldn’t even think about what he was forced to do after the shows to please the greedy merchants and immoral people that came to his room.
--
Days passed, and winter started to settle down, removing the leaves from the trees one by one. The same leaves that coloured Wataru’s path on the way to Edo were now becoming brown matter on the ground. Everything was getting colder, and Wataru found himself wondering about Taisuke again. Maybe it was time for him to be true to his word, and go to check if Taisuke was recovering.
“At last, you came,” Taisuke said when he came down to the door, after one of the people of the
house told him about his visitor.
“Sorry if it took long. I was wondering if you were...”
“Did you bring some food?”
“Eh? No...”
“Aren’t we friends? It would have been nice to share some food,” Taisuke sulked.
“I only have this.” Wataru handed him the meal he had prepared for himself. Taisuke opened the lid of the wooden box, revealing its content.
“This will do.” Taisuke grabbed Wataru’s sleeve and pulled him. “Come! I’ll make some tea!”
“Y-you don’t have to!”
“What’s the matter?” Taisuke asked.
“I- I’d rather not go to your room,” Wataru announced, looking off to the side, shyness colouring his cheeks.
“Let’s go outside then,” Taisuke replied with an understanding smile.
They sat on a stone in the small garden at the back of the house. It was cold and the sky was grey, but they didn’t mind.
“It must have been shameful for you to come back here. I’m sorry if I was so careless asking you inside.”
“Don’t worry. I was just wondering... you don’t seem a bad person.”
“Neither do you. I don’t know what they teach samurai these days, but it’s not like people like me are always bad, you know?”
“I... sorry, I didn’t know,” Wataru answered. “I don’t know what kind of world you live in. I don’t know if there are rules or what kind of people surround you. I don’t even know what you do exactly that’s considered so bad. And what’s worse, I haven’t got the slightest idea if you like it or not.”
“I don’t mind this life,” Taisuke said, smiling. “That’s all I’ve ever known about life, after all.”
Taisuke paused to look into Wataru’s eyes. “Whatever they told you, you should know it’s as shameful as it looks like, but there is nothing to be afraid of.”
“I’m sorry.” Wataru’s cheeks were already of a dark shade of pink. “I don’t know much about how people interact with each other. I just sounded very rude, I guess.”
“It was very nice of you to worry about me. Indeed I found a good friend! You also shared your lunch with me!”
They both smiled. Suddenly the air didn’t feel so cold anymore.
--
Wataru met Taisuke whenever he could. They used to meet outside the house and walk along the canal while chatting. He found out that Taisuke was sold to his workplace a long time ago, when he was still a small boy. He did his best and became an actor while working hard every night in the house, entertaining the customers with his dance and shamisen.
Wataru told him he was raised by the rules of honesty, honour, loyalty and diligence. He also told him about the mountains and rivers of his hometown, the light wind that sometimes blew on his face, the kind and friendly people of his village.
Wataru felt at ease with Taisuke. Every time they parted he was already looking forward to meet him again. If only the days lasted longer.
--
One day, Wataru was patrolling near his tono’s quarters when someone came rushing into the palace.
“Fire! There’s a fire in Yoshiwara! They need men to help put it down!”
Wataru’s face became pale all of a sudden. While he was rushing out on the street, the only thing he could think about was Taisuke. What if he was not safe?
A crowd was standing outside the teahouse that caught fire. The flames were almost extinct already. Wataru sighed in relief when he recognised that it wasn’t Taisuke’s place but just a nearby teahouse. He was about to walk away, but a voice from the crowd called his name. Taisuke was standing there, looking surprised.
“What are you doing here? Aren’t you on duty today?”
“Taisuke! How are you?”
“I am fine. It was a bit scary around here a while ago. I see, you came here to help with the fire, right?”
Wataru smiled. He wanted to tell him that he came there of his own accord, forgetting about his duties, just because someone mentioned a danger near the place he lived. He hadn’t even asked himself why he did something so reckless like discarding everything to run there. He didn’t want Taisuke to be in danger. He was worried about him. And he realized, all of a sudden, that he was in love with Taisuke.
--
He never thought of telling him, not even once. He just enjoyed his company. He knew Taisuke enjoyed his as well, and they were the best of friends. Nevertheless people started to misunderstand their friendship, and the owner of the teahouse was one of them. He didn’t actually care what Taisuke did in his free time, since he had always brought in lots of customers’ money to fill his pockets, but he warned him not to get too close to someone that didn’t belong to his world. Wataru was a samurai. There was no way a samurai would have wanted to love someone like him. But love was exactly what the owner could see between the two of them, and in his eyes full of experience, it wasn’t a good sign. It was acceptable for a samurai to play around with his workers, but he could see the true nature of their feelings in their friendship, feelings that could only bring troubles. He kept his mouth shut, even when Taisuke’s best customers were asking about it.
--
“Can I come and watch your play?” Wataru asked one day.
“Are you sure? You don’t like to be seen around this place, don’t you?”
“I still want to see it.”
That day Taisuke’s acting was excellent and he was praised by his master. In the past days he had been complaining because Taisuke’s acting seemed to lack precision as if he was troubled by something.
“Why didn’t you stay yesterday, after the performance?” Taisuke asked, pouring some tea into a cup.
“It was really late and... sorry. I really enjoyed it. I’m amazed, you were perfect. You were so beautiful.”
Taisuke turned to look into his eyes then took out a folded piece of paper from his kimono.
“I want you to read this. No, not now! Later.”
Wataru put away the letter.
Later, he sat by the candlelight in his room, and unfolded the message.
”I know I will never find the resolution to speak to you about this. That’s why I’m writing to you instead. You are a precious friend to me and I would like to open my heart completely, but I can’t do this in the light of the day. Please, If you want to hear what I have to say come tonight on the usual bridge near the canal. I’ll be waiting.”
Wataru stood up. It was already late. Maybe Taisuke was still waiting in the cold night. He rushed outside, making as little noise as possible. He reached the bridge and saw Taisuke staring at the reflection of the moon in the water.
“Don’t you think the reflected image is shining more than the object itself?” Taisuke asked, not even turning around to face him. “But it’s just a trick because it’s not true. You can split that image just throwing a pebble. And it will go away once the moon is not there. The same water will reflect the sun instead. The water will still shine, betraying the moon. What a pity. It should be pitch black during the day, to preserve its beauty for the night.”
“Even if the real thing is not there the water will still wait for it.”
Taisuke turned and looked at Wataru. His skin was lit by the very same rays that were shining on the canal.
“I can only live during the night and I can’t shine like the sun for you, but I’ll be coming back every time the sun sets,” Taisuke whispered as light flickered in his eyes.
“Taisuke...”
“I can continue to rise in the sky just because I want to see my reflection on this river. I can’t live without telling you my feelings.”
“The river will be there waiting to show your light. And it will be reflecting the light of the day feeling pitch black inside.”
Taisuke’s face lit up as he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Wataru smiled.
“I’ve loved you from a while now.”
“Really? You love someone like me?” Taisuke asked, turning to look at the water. Wataru quickly shifted and hugged him from behind. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Taisuke’s shoulder.
“Don’t say that ever again. I do, of course I do. You are the most beautiful person in this world.”
“Is this happiness really true?” Taisuke said in a whisper, closing his eyes and slowly bringing up his hand to touch Wataru’s arm. “Please don’t let me go tonight.”
Wataru held Taisuke in his arms, many nights that winter. He wanted to stay as close to him as possible. Every time they were together they forgot about the world outside. Just lying by Taisuke’s side, holding him in his arms, burying his face in the pleasant smell and the softness of his body, was a sort of bliss that Wataru never felt before.
Taisuke’s soft kisses and his skin under the touch of his fingers were all Wataru could wish for. Every time he let the fabric of Taisuke’s kimono slide down to reveal his beautiful colour, Wataru felt like he was looking at the most amazing thing in the world. All his senses felt awake in the dreamy atmosphere of their private space. Shivering, he would look at Taisuke’s enraptured expression while holding him steady and never get tired of the way the other felt around him. Taisuke’s moans were the most precious music to Wataru’s ears. His name on Taisuke’s lips sounded soft and completely new. His hands wandering everywhere, the warmth of their bodies, the muffled sounds, the smell of their skin, the taste of their kisses were like invisible but solid threads tying them closer and closer. Wataru’s sharp eyes grasped every part of Taisuke, they pierced his soul, seized all his senses and feelings, and nothing could replace the emptiness when they were not together.
Love turned them into drunken spinning tops, the pleasure of the flesh mixed with a feeling so strong it inebriated the air around them like the intoxicating scent of poisonous flowers.
“I wish you were only mine,” Wataru said, trailing his fingers down Taisuke’s spine during a cold night.
Taisuke sighed and turned to avoid the other’s look. “You said something dangerous.”
“Taisuke, I...”
“What? What will you do?” Taisuke turned to face him abruptly. “There’s no way we can be happy. There’s no way the world will let us.”
Wataru’s eyes fell. He was a samurai, and Taisuke was an actor. They belonged to different worlds and Wataru was still bound to follow his tono back to his hometown in a year’s time.
“Then this room will be our world. Our feelings for each other will be our world. We’ll build sturdy walls and never let anyone in to disrupt our happiness.”
“Wataru...?”
“Mh?”
“This way you’ll be the only thing in my world, won’t you?”
“You don’t want it?”
“...I do.”
--
One day, Wataru was walking near the theatre district after watching Taisuke’s kabuki show, when a man, followed by a servant, approached him. He looked like a wealthy merchant and he had a determined grin on his face, like someone who was used to talking business without being disappointed.
The merchant’s name was Ginzaburo and he said what he needed to without beating about the bush. Ginzaburo was one of Taisuke’s customers. He looked convinced that they had a special relationship, and that he was actually considered more than a customer by Taisuke. Ginzaburo told Wataru that having a samurai putting strange ideas into Taisuke’s head wasn’t very nice. It wasn’t like actors were allowed to think about a silly thing like falling in love with a samurai.
Wataru immediately knew this was the obnoxious admirer that Taisuke didn’t wish to see anymore, so he stood up and answered him that he believed that Taisuke was only seeing the merchant as a client.
“So are you just his customer as well? Sorry, I must have misunderstood,” Ginzaburo’s grin was there to provoke him, but Wataru didn’t answer. Telling the truth would have just brought trouble in their lives.
Wataru remembered how Taisuke advised him to be careful. He couldn’t tell anyone about their love, because everything would be spoiled if people knew. Wataru couldn’t answer Ginzaburo. He just bit his lower lip till it actually bled, clenching his fists, ashamed of himself for being so cowardly.
--
Taisuke was massaging Wataru’s shoulders in the room lit only by the feeble light of the candles. Shadows flickered on the walls like evil spirits dancing around them. Wataru was still recalling the events of the afternoon. His expression and silence betrayed him, and Taisuke realized that he was hiding something.
“You’re so tense. Too much sword training? No, let me guess, something happened.”
Wataru immediately relaxed under Taisuke’s touch and sighed. Taisuke knew him too well and he couldn’t keep hiding things from him any longer.
“I met someone who knows you. The obnoxious admirer, Ginzaburo.”
Taisuke sighed and stopped moving his hands. “And?”
“Nothing. I don’t like this. It seems like this person is really interested in you.”
“But I’m not interested in him.”
Wataru turned to face him suddenly.
“Are you jealous?” Taisuke smiled grabbing Wataru’s cheeks between his palms.
“Taisuke! I’m just worried about you. You shouldn’t go close to people like him.”
“Well, I can’t really avoid that, since it’s my job.” Taisuke frowned. “But if my play keeps being successful and I become famous, then I won’t have to do it anymore.”
“I wish I’d met you in another life. In another world where we could both be happy.”
“You have too much imagination. We are happy now, aren’t we? You said that this room was our world.”
“Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“I will.”
--
Wataru was really worried about Taisuke. He had seen Ginzaburo a couple of times after their first meeting and he didn’t like the look in his eyes. The way he looked at Wataru showed he resented him. Wataru tried to be with Taisuke most of the time, even if he had to pay to meet him. Taisuke got really mad and Wataru had no other choice but to stop.
Wataru’s friends were starting to feel worried. Wataru was still performing his duties every day, and his tono had nothing to complain about, but, for some reason, everyone noticed that something had changed within him. At first, it had been a sort of gentleness, the kind of aura a person has when he’s taking care of someone else. But Shigeaki and Fumito couldn’t help but notice how worried Wataru looked recently. They knew Wataru had someone in the pleasure district, someone he really cared about. At first they were tempted to stop him because they thought it was bad for him and his reputation, but they soon realized he wasn’t going there to have fun. He really loved someone.
One day, they followed Wataru to the place and saw him talking to a kabuki actor. They went asking around for his name and decided to go and watch his play to know more about him. They couldn’t actually believe their friend, so rigorous and loyal, could have fallen for a kabuki actor. But when they saw him on stage they realized that Taisuke was very good looking. Then they noticed the elegance in his gestures and dancing. At the end of the play they had a very clear idea of why Wataru was interested in him. That didn’t stop Fumito from wanting to know more. He asked if he could talk with Taisuke and they were both allowed backstage. Taisuke had removed his makeup already and had changed his clothes. He greeted them, and they complimented him for his play.
“I can understand what he sees in you,” Fumito said when Taisuke’s smile lit the room with its young cheerfulness. “But he’s our friend and a honoured samurai.”
Taisuke’s smile dimmed into a serious expression. “Believe me when I say I know this better than anyone,” Taisuke said, looking at the two friends.
“By no means do I intend to bring him damage. I didn’t want our bond to be as tight as it is, but now, I can’t let go and I can’t not see him.”
Fumito’s eyes were wide open, as he was listening to true love talking with Taisuke’s lips.
Shigeaki placed a hand on Fumito’s shoulder. “We are not here to ask you not to see him anymore. We just wanted to meet the person our friend treasures so much. And now we can see he’s worthy of him.”
“What are you doing here?” Wataru’s voice asked, as he entered the room.
Fumito and Shigeaki fretted to find an excuse and while they were blabbering nonsense, a sunny laugh bursted in the room. They turned to look at Taisuke, apparently extremely amused by the whole situation.
“You... you look so serious, Wataru. Poor guys!” he said wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.
The other three looked at each other and suddenly they couldn’t hold the laughter in anymore.
Wataru was glad his friends had understood and accepted the situation, even if they were only a small portion of the world that could turn against them any minute.
--
The moon was surrounded by clouds that night. Little sparkles of snow were falling down covering the world with a radiant white coat that made every object glow even in the darkness. It was unusual to have so much snow so late in the season. Wataru was writing on a scroll before getting ready for the night, when suddenly a voice came through the door.
“Wataru! I’m coming in!” Fumito rushed inside the room finding Wataru standing up ready to listen, alarmed by the tone of his voice. “It’s Taisuke!”
Wataru’s surprised expression was immediately replaced by shock and he grabbed his friend’s shoulders like he wanted to shake information out of him that way.
“What happened?”
“I was patrolling around the streets and I saw a figure walking in front of me. It was Taisuke. Then a group of men surrounded him and he followed them. I went there and asked if everything was fine, but they just said that their master was Taisuke’s customer and asked them to escort him to his house for a drink. But I saw worry in Taisuke’s eyes. I thought I’d better tell you this.”
Wataru patted his shoulders. “You did well.”
He grabbed his swords and dashed outside, and Fumito didn’t even have the time to ask where he was going. He followed him, but Wataru ran fast and his footprints had already been covered by the snow that was falling heavily.
--
Taisuke entered Ginzaburo’s room and found him sitting lazily on the floor. Taisuke bowed and sat down when the other told him to.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“I wonder... Ginzaburo-san, you didn’t visit me lately, nor did you come to see my play. Do you have any complaints about my acting?” Taisuke asked politely.
"Tsk. Nothing like that. It’s just that I was tired of seeing that samurai’s face every time I came to visit.”
“I’m really sorry that you don’t get along with my other friends.”
“Quit that now and tell me how you feel about me.”
“Ginzaburo-san is a very precious customer...”
“I don’t want to hear that. Why don’t you understand?!”
Taisuke only gave him a piercing look as an answer.
“Or more precisely, you do understand and ignore me. Why?!” Ginzaburo reached for Taisuke and grabbed his hand. “Why can’t you respond to my feelings? You do love me, right? You love me as much as I do, I’m sure!”
“I’m sorry.”
Ginzaburo released Taisuke’s hand and the other bent his head in apology.
“What do you mean you’re sorry? You love me! You were all mine before... before that brat came!” Ginzaburo forcefully grabbed Taisuke’s shoulders and started shaking him.
“Please, let me go. You’re hurting me.”
“You’re hurting me! Come back to me. Come here in my arms and be mine, only mine.”
Ginzaburo hugged Taisuke but the young man pushed him away and stood up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I-I... Please, don’t come anymore.”
Taisuke was about to exit from the room when Ginzaburo grabbed him again and pushed him down on the tatami.
“You are mine. If you say you aren’t mine then you won’t be no one else’s!” Ginzaburo wrapped his hands around Taisuke’s neck.
Taisuke tried to push him away but Ginzaburo was sitting on him with all his weight. Hitting him was no use. He was mad, he was insane. He wanted to take all of Taisuke away, starting with his life, since he couldn’t take possession of his feelings.
Blotches of light were blurring Taisuke’s vision. The man’s hands were rough and heavy on him. Breathing was impossible. Taisuke’s hands started searching everywhere around him while he choked. Finally, he reached for his head, and pulled out a sharp hair accessory.
He needed to breathe, he needed to get this weight out of him. He pierced Ginzaburo’s eye with the sharp edge of his accessory and the man winced, screaming in pain. Taisuke tried to crawl away, but Ginzaburo caught hold of him again, and this time he had a knife in his hand.
Taisuke fought against the man who was trying to kill him, his eyes full of rage, resentment, obsession. Taisuke was scared. This wasn’t love. This love wasn’t the same as what he felt for Wataru.
The blade of the knife brushed against Taisuke’s neck and a drop of carmine blood ran down his skin, hot and thick.
“I’ll take your life and then mine. We’ll die together like lovers! Because you are destined to be mine!”
“We are not lovers. I don’t love you.” Taisuke was trying to keep Ginzaburo’s knife away. He was heavy. His obsession was heavy.
Taisuke never liked him but he was forced to pretend he did, for his money. Suddenly he felt nauseous and raging. All his life he had to live pleasing fake lovers like this man. All his life he had never realized how unhappy he was. Ginzaburo was just the personification of all the horrible moments he had lived so far. All his tears condensed right behind his eyelids, and his mind was screaming and remembering Wataru’s words about a different life, a place where they could be happy.
There’s no such place!
Taisuke pushed Ginzaburo’s hand away and the knife fell on the floor. Ginzaburo jumped on him grabbing the hems of his kimono, tearing apart the sheer fabric.
There is no such place where we can be happy. All is destroyed.
A tear ran down Taisuke’s cheek as he fastened his fingers around the knife he found at his side on the floor. A throb of his heart and he felt the blade making its way into Ginzaburo’s flesh. The blade came out of the man’s side stained with blood, but Taisuke didn’t falter. He hoisted himself up while Ginzaburo’s hand, covered in blood, was still trying to reach for him.
Go away, disappear.
Taisuke’s eyes looked cold as he raised his hand again and stabbed the man between his neck and shoulder. This time Ginzaburo fell on him, shaking. Another stab, into his stomach, and he tumbled to the floor in front of Taisuke, this time not moving anymore.
Taisuke looked at his trembling hand holding the knife covered in blood. As the cold sensation slid away from his body, he realized how hot the blood felt on his own skin. Streaks of red were covering him, staining his face and his kimono. His ears were still ringing when he stood up to look at Ginzaburo’s body. He let the knife slide from his hand to the floor where it ricocheted heavily.
What have I done?!
Shock invaded him as he knelt down, unable not to look at the face of death in front of him.
--
Wataru heard screams coming from inside the house. He ran through the gates and crossed the silent garden. He looked into the room where the screams came from and saw Taisuke among a group of people and someone lying on the floor, dead. He recognised Ginzaburo on the floor and the man that was screaming appeared to be his father.
“He killed my Ginzaburo! He killed him!” the fat merchant screamed. “Grab him!” he ordered the henchmen as he stole a sword from one of them and pointed it to Taisuke’s face.
“You’ll regret it. Taking your filthy life isn’t nearly enough... oh my Ginzaburo!” the raging father said, raising his sword.
Wataru launched himself in the room in a matter of instants and stepped between Taisuke and the blade, blocking the blow with his sword, the metal gliding with a clanking noise.
“What the hell...?”
“I won’t let you hurt Taisuke.”
“He killed my son! He deserves to die.”
“He tried to kill me... he...” Taisuke muttered, still shocked.
“Liar! You’re a murderer! People like you are just scum! You are going to die by this sword now.”
“You don’t understand. I said I won’t let you!” Wataru yelled and pushed on his blade, causing the other’s sword to fly away as the opponent fell back to the floor.
“Why do people like you think you can treat others like objects? Your son wasn’t much better.”
“What are you waiting for, you idiots!” the merchant yelled to the henchmen, “kill him! Kill both of them!”
The four men attacked Wataru. Swords clashed against each other, so fast it was possible to discern only the gleaming of the whirling blades.Wataru dodged and hit two men, leaving one on the floor, but eventually one blade got him. A stream of blood came out from his arm and Taisuke screamed. He grabbed the sword of the merchant on the floor and raging, attacked the man who hit Wataru. He managed to surprise him, but the man pushed him back after he blocked his attack.
“What are you doing?! Run!” Wataru yelled, going to protect him from the attacks.
“I can’t leave you.”
The three men attacked at the same time, and Yokoo moved his sword fast and managed to hit two of them.
“Taisuke, run!”
Taisuke clenched the hilt of the sword and ran to stop the man that was about to stab Wataru behind his back. He held him, but the man thrusted with his sword, sending Taisuke to the floor. He was about to let his blade drop on him when Wataru dove between them and another splash of blood came out as the man’s blade plunged into his flesh. Warm drops reached Taisuke’s face as Wataru bent his knees and doubled up. Taisuke stood up and pierced the man with his sword, screaming. Tears were blurring his vision, but rage was enough to guide his armed hand. As the man fell on the floor with a thump, Taisuke turned to Wataru who was holding both hands on his injured side. He was looking down, his face displaying indescribable pain.
“We have to run away before someone else arrives. I saw that old man sneaking away. He probably went to call for help,” Wataru said, trying to stand up. Taisuke reached for him and helped him by pulling one of Wataru’s arms over his own shoulders.
It had stopped snowing outside. A silent moon was glowing in the sky. Sporadic clouds passed in front of it, but they were never dense enough to hinder the rays from coming down on the white world around them. They moved as fast as they could, leaving a trail of blood on the crisp snow.
“Wataru...” Taisuke looked at him worried, but Wataru managed to smile in between expressions of pain.
They reached the garden of a temple and Taisuke let Wataru slide gently to the ground and allowed his back to rest on a rock behind him. Taisuke took a look at Wataru’s wound and saw that his stomach was completely immersed in blood. From the hole in his kimono he could see a deep cut. Taisuke put his hands there to stop the blood as Wataru panted, finding it more and more difficult to breathe.
“Wataru...”
“There’s nothing you can do, Taisuke. Leave it. It’s too late.”
“I can’t... I won’t...” Taisuke’s cheeks were streaked by the light of the moon reflected in the tears trailing down his face. He was looking everywhere anxiously, as if there could be something nearby that could help Wataru.
Wataru raised a hand and placed it on Taisuke’s cheek, stopping his head from moving around. They looked at each other, and Wataru smiled. A peaceful smile.
“I’ll wait for you in the place where we can both be happy.”
Taisuke fretted and grabbed his hand, “I’ll go.”
“Taisuke...”
“There’s no meaning in a world without you.”
“Taisuke.”
“I love you, Wataru. Let’s go together. You’re not allowed to leave me alone.” Taisuke smiled, still rubbing Wataru’s hand on his own cheek.
Taisuke then took the sword and placed it on Wataru’s hand, holding it against his own neck. Wataru was panting heavily. Taisuke cupped his face and looked into his eyes as they made one last effort to stay open and return the gaze.
“See you soon, Wataru.”
Taisuke placed his neck on the blade and slowly slid down to kiss Wataru’s lips as blood flooded, taking the warmth of his life away from him.
A gentle night breeze had blown all the clouds away allowing the moon to wrap their bodies in its glowing light. Tears and blood stained the last snow of the season as the new wind was already carrying the scent of spring.
Rating: PG
Groups/Pairings: kis-my-ft2; Yokoo/Fujigaya (mentions of ABC-Z Kawai and NEWS Shige)
Word Count: 6890
Summary: Edo period. A samurai arrives in Edo from the mountains and meets a kabuki actor.
Warnings: Characters deaths, violence, blood
Notes: Written for self-exchange, here's the other fics reveals.
Taisuke is an onnagata, a men who played the part of women in kabuki theatre. They always wore a purple headpiece to cover the shaved head, typical of the male hairstyle at the time. Their attitude and clothes tended to be girlish even outside the theatre. At the time, many young kabuki actors used to be prostitutes and their customers were most of the times merchants. Merchants were usually rich, but they were disregarded as members of the society and so were all their activities, including kabuki theatre. Male homosexuality was a normal practice at the time even among samurai but for them it was seen as a “brotherhood bond”. Samurai were among the highest ranks in the society and usually it was considered deplorable to indulge in the same activities as the merchants, but some dissolute samurai used to go in the pleasure quarters too.
I had this fic idea in mind for a long time, it was also partially inspired by this song , because the lyrics fit perfectly.
--
A cold breeze was blowing, clearing away the clouds from the sky and whistling in the narrow passages, trying to sneak through the minute cracks in the wooden walls of the houses. It was early in the season, but occasional snowflakes had already twirled their way to the ground during the past few days. The cold air didn’t stop people from roaming on the bustling streets of the capital, everyone busy with their activities and unable to pay even the slightest attention to the colour of the sky.
A lone samurai was strolling through the streets, a mild expression tinting his face while his dark eyes reflected the light blue above him. The crowd around him wasn’t worth his consideration. His mind was full of memories of the faraway place in the mountains where his home was. It had been a month already since Wataru followed the Daimyo to Edo while he was paying a visit to the Shogun. It was a honour to have been chosen as a member of the guards to protect the Daimyo. Wataru was diligent and attentive, he followed the rules and he was a skilled warrior. His family had always been proud of him and so was Takizawa dono.
Wataru was rarely distracted from his duties but that sky reminded him of his home. It was so similar to the colour of the sky he used to walk under in the past, he found it excruciating. He wasn’t homesick. He just felt nostalgic for some unknown reason, longing for feelings lost long ago, when he used to look at the sky to find the resolution deep in his soul.
That day he was just looking up, trying to find something he couldn’t even name, something he wasn’t even sure existed. He wanted answers for questions that had never actually crossed his mind.
Suddenly his mind fell back to earth and realised his feet had arrived in a part of the town they had never reached before. Curious, he started to look around, a bit intimidated by the colourful crowd on these unfamiliar streets. They were definitely not the same people he usually saw in other parts of the town.
Everywhere he looked there seem to be debauchery and drunkenness, even with at least two hours left before sunset. He realized he had reached Yoshiwara, the pleasure district of Edo. This was surely not the place for a young respectable samurai like him. A place where merchants wasted their time and money to gain the favours of courtesans, or lost their composure for some kabuki actor. He had been warned that such places existed. His friend Shigeaki told him to be careful not to enter that immoral part of the town, while Fumito often insisted they should have visited, just for fun. Wataru had always said no. He certainly didn’t want to disappoint his tono by wandering around in such a place.
He tried to go back the way he came from, but he wasn’t exactly sure he remembered his path. He felt lost, but somehow his curiosity took over the feeling of trying to find his way, and he continued walking.
He was just looking around. He didn’t think of meddling with those people. Just then, a woman tried to approach him. She was talking of something Wataru couldn’t really understand. He wasn’t even paying attention to her, because his eyes were still roaming across the street and the kaleidoscopic novelty of the surroundings. Just as he was skimming through the people, his attention was caught by a person wearing a purple kimono and the typical purple headpiece that onnagata used to wear. He was walking fast in his geta, much faster than his attire and girlish attitude would allow him. He passed next to Wataru and dropped something. Still ignoring the woman, Wataru fetched a purple purse from the ground. Delicate golden flowers decorated the sheer fabric.
The young man with the purple kimono was walking very fast and didn’t even notice he had lost something. Wataru didn’t hesitate and followed him straight away. He tried shouting at him, but the young man didn’t even turn his head. Making his way among the people strolling on the road, Wataru tried to catch up with him, until the other, now walking even faster, disappeared on a side road.
When Wataru managed to reach him, the young man was on the ground, holding his ankle, in obvious pain. Wataru went close to him, but the other was still trying to get up. Wataru knelt and asked if he was okay. The other guy just fretted.
“What do you want?”
“Why are you running away from me?!”
“Because you are running after me. What do you want?!”
“You lost this,” Wataru said handing him the purple purse. The other’s expression relaxed.
“Oh... it was for this.”
“What do you think it was for?! I can’t believe it! Don’t you usually thank a person for this?” Wataru yelled.
“I-I was about to say thanks...Thanks.” His face looked sincerely sorry for having not said it immediately. Wataru relaxed and looked at the injured ankle.
“Are you hurt?”
“Mh... I’m fine!” answered the other trying to get up but failing. Wataru helped him stand by throwing one of the other guy’s arms over his shoulders and holding him by the waist.
“T-thanks!”
“Can you walk? Where do you live?”
“It’s close, don’t worry.”
“I can walk with you.”
The stranger seemed to want to refuse as he was perfectly able to walk even if his ankle still hurt, but Wataru insisted.
“I’m Wataru. What’s your name?”
“Taisuke.”
“What do you do?”
“Why do you ask? Can’t you see I’m an actor?”
“Just trying to make some conversation.”
“You’re not from Edo, are you?” Taisuke said tilting his head to look at him, “and you are a samurai,” he added when he noticed the swords hanging from his side.
“Yes. I came here to protect my tono during his visit to the Shogun.”
“Sorry. I really thought you were someone else before.”
“Someone else who?”
“Oh well, just some messenger sent by some obnoxious admirer. I’m having trouble with some people now that my play is starting to be successful.”
“I see. I’m sorry that someone is annoying you.”
“Isn’t it crazy to fall in love with an actor? You must think so.”
“I don’t...”
“Even people like us can fall in love, you know?” Taisuke smiled.
“I don’t know much about this sort of things sorry...” Wataru replied, finding it difficult to look at Taisuke.
“Are you one of those pure hearted warriors? What were you doing in this part of the town then?”
“I just lost my way.”
“What? Really?! You should have said that!” Taisuke laughed. The notes of his laughter sounded like a gleeful brook flowing down the mountain while splashing on the rocks.
--
When the pair reached Taisuke’s house, Wataru quickly found out it was actually one of those teahouses people came to in search of pleasure. He was a bit shocked at first, but then he thought about Taisuke’s wound and decided to help him inside. Taisuke’s ankle was swollen, so Wataru helped him bandage it.
“How can I dance with this?!” Taisuke whined, flailing his arms about.
“You shouldn’t dance. You should rest actually. It will probably be better in a week or so.”
Taisuke stood up and took a fan from the table. He started dancing in the quiet room, trying not to show his pain. Wataru just sat there watching, unable to utter a single word.
The fluid movement of the dance suddenly invaded all the room like a flavour in the air. Such a sweet, delicate flavour. The elegance Taisuke put in every movement moved Wataru. He knew he was probably in pain, but he couldn’t see any sign of it showing up on his face. Taisuke’s eyes were piercing him with a powerful look.
“You are very good,” Wataru whispered, enraptured. Taisuke sighed and plopped onto the tatami.
“It wasn’t good at all. I can bear the pain, but I’m afraid the dance is a complete mess.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault that this happened. Just because I started running after you...”
“Forget it. It was just a misunderstanding. I was mistaken. I thought you were someone else.”
“Who is annoying you so much?”
“Someone who can’t get over how gorgeous I am, obviously,” Taisuke said drawing his face closer to Wataru’s.
Wataru blushed as he felt Taisuke’s breath on his skin. “I’m... I mean, you definitely... sorry but I’m... ”
“Relax! I was just joking.” Taisuke backed off, laughing.
“I just don’t understand. Even before, when you were talking about love. So I was wondering, why is this person feeling like this towards you?”
Taisuke just stared at him coldly.
“I-I didn’t mean to say that... this way. I mean you are definitely... nice.” Wataru had the sudden desire to flip the tatami over to hide under it. “But shouldn’t what you do be something guided by affection and brotherhood instead by money?”
“That’s how it is for samurai, isn’t it? You really are pure.”
“What?”
“Never mind. I’m sure you’re not bad.” Taisuke smiled. “Would you like some tea? Sorry if I didn’t ask earlier.”
“I should probably go back,” Wataru said, standing up.
“You will be the first man that leaves this room without having had his way with me,” Taisuke smirked.
“W-what are you talking about?! I’m not like that!” Wataru bellowed. The red on his cheeks never had the time to fade that day.
“You really don’t seem to be. That’s good!” Taisuke smiled and clapped his hands. “We can be friends then!”
Wataru looked at the other with a puzzled expression. Somehow he wasn’t at all shocked by Taisuke’s honest straightforwardness. He actually felt happy.
“I-I’ll come again. To make sure your ankle is not getting worse!”
“Seriously?! I thought you were going to hit me because I dared to say something like that.”
After saying goodbye, Wataru’s heart was pounding. He met someone that wasn’t like any other person he had met before. He wanted to know more about him, ask him questions about his life which he couldn’t understand at all. Was he happy like that? Living in such a place... Wataru couldn’t even think about what he was forced to do after the shows to please the greedy merchants and immoral people that came to his room.
--
Days passed, and winter started to settle down, removing the leaves from the trees one by one. The same leaves that coloured Wataru’s path on the way to Edo were now becoming brown matter on the ground. Everything was getting colder, and Wataru found himself wondering about Taisuke again. Maybe it was time for him to be true to his word, and go to check if Taisuke was recovering.
“At last, you came,” Taisuke said when he came down to the door, after one of the people of the
house told him about his visitor.
“Sorry if it took long. I was wondering if you were...”
“Did you bring some food?”
“Eh? No...”
“Aren’t we friends? It would have been nice to share some food,” Taisuke sulked.
“I only have this.” Wataru handed him the meal he had prepared for himself. Taisuke opened the lid of the wooden box, revealing its content.
“This will do.” Taisuke grabbed Wataru’s sleeve and pulled him. “Come! I’ll make some tea!”
“Y-you don’t have to!”
“What’s the matter?” Taisuke asked.
“I- I’d rather not go to your room,” Wataru announced, looking off to the side, shyness colouring his cheeks.
“Let’s go outside then,” Taisuke replied with an understanding smile.
They sat on a stone in the small garden at the back of the house. It was cold and the sky was grey, but they didn’t mind.
“It must have been shameful for you to come back here. I’m sorry if I was so careless asking you inside.”
“Don’t worry. I was just wondering... you don’t seem a bad person.”
“Neither do you. I don’t know what they teach samurai these days, but it’s not like people like me are always bad, you know?”
“I... sorry, I didn’t know,” Wataru answered. “I don’t know what kind of world you live in. I don’t know if there are rules or what kind of people surround you. I don’t even know what you do exactly that’s considered so bad. And what’s worse, I haven’t got the slightest idea if you like it or not.”
“I don’t mind this life,” Taisuke said, smiling. “That’s all I’ve ever known about life, after all.”
Taisuke paused to look into Wataru’s eyes. “Whatever they told you, you should know it’s as shameful as it looks like, but there is nothing to be afraid of.”
“I’m sorry.” Wataru’s cheeks were already of a dark shade of pink. “I don’t know much about how people interact with each other. I just sounded very rude, I guess.”
“It was very nice of you to worry about me. Indeed I found a good friend! You also shared your lunch with me!”
They both smiled. Suddenly the air didn’t feel so cold anymore.
--
Wataru met Taisuke whenever he could. They used to meet outside the house and walk along the canal while chatting. He found out that Taisuke was sold to his workplace a long time ago, when he was still a small boy. He did his best and became an actor while working hard every night in the house, entertaining the customers with his dance and shamisen.
Wataru told him he was raised by the rules of honesty, honour, loyalty and diligence. He also told him about the mountains and rivers of his hometown, the light wind that sometimes blew on his face, the kind and friendly people of his village.
Wataru felt at ease with Taisuke. Every time they parted he was already looking forward to meet him again. If only the days lasted longer.
--
One day, Wataru was patrolling near his tono’s quarters when someone came rushing into the palace.
“Fire! There’s a fire in Yoshiwara! They need men to help put it down!”
Wataru’s face became pale all of a sudden. While he was rushing out on the street, the only thing he could think about was Taisuke. What if he was not safe?
A crowd was standing outside the teahouse that caught fire. The flames were almost extinct already. Wataru sighed in relief when he recognised that it wasn’t Taisuke’s place but just a nearby teahouse. He was about to walk away, but a voice from the crowd called his name. Taisuke was standing there, looking surprised.
“What are you doing here? Aren’t you on duty today?”
“Taisuke! How are you?”
“I am fine. It was a bit scary around here a while ago. I see, you came here to help with the fire, right?”
Wataru smiled. He wanted to tell him that he came there of his own accord, forgetting about his duties, just because someone mentioned a danger near the place he lived. He hadn’t even asked himself why he did something so reckless like discarding everything to run there. He didn’t want Taisuke to be in danger. He was worried about him. And he realized, all of a sudden, that he was in love with Taisuke.
--
He never thought of telling him, not even once. He just enjoyed his company. He knew Taisuke enjoyed his as well, and they were the best of friends. Nevertheless people started to misunderstand their friendship, and the owner of the teahouse was one of them. He didn’t actually care what Taisuke did in his free time, since he had always brought in lots of customers’ money to fill his pockets, but he warned him not to get too close to someone that didn’t belong to his world. Wataru was a samurai. There was no way a samurai would have wanted to love someone like him. But love was exactly what the owner could see between the two of them, and in his eyes full of experience, it wasn’t a good sign. It was acceptable for a samurai to play around with his workers, but he could see the true nature of their feelings in their friendship, feelings that could only bring troubles. He kept his mouth shut, even when Taisuke’s best customers were asking about it.
--
“Can I come and watch your play?” Wataru asked one day.
“Are you sure? You don’t like to be seen around this place, don’t you?”
“I still want to see it.”
That day Taisuke’s acting was excellent and he was praised by his master. In the past days he had been complaining because Taisuke’s acting seemed to lack precision as if he was troubled by something.
“Why didn’t you stay yesterday, after the performance?” Taisuke asked, pouring some tea into a cup.
“It was really late and... sorry. I really enjoyed it. I’m amazed, you were perfect. You were so beautiful.”
Taisuke turned to look into his eyes then took out a folded piece of paper from his kimono.
“I want you to read this. No, not now! Later.”
Wataru put away the letter.
Later, he sat by the candlelight in his room, and unfolded the message.
”I know I will never find the resolution to speak to you about this. That’s why I’m writing to you instead. You are a precious friend to me and I would like to open my heart completely, but I can’t do this in the light of the day. Please, If you want to hear what I have to say come tonight on the usual bridge near the canal. I’ll be waiting.”
Wataru stood up. It was already late. Maybe Taisuke was still waiting in the cold night. He rushed outside, making as little noise as possible. He reached the bridge and saw Taisuke staring at the reflection of the moon in the water.
“Don’t you think the reflected image is shining more than the object itself?” Taisuke asked, not even turning around to face him. “But it’s just a trick because it’s not true. You can split that image just throwing a pebble. And it will go away once the moon is not there. The same water will reflect the sun instead. The water will still shine, betraying the moon. What a pity. It should be pitch black during the day, to preserve its beauty for the night.”
“Even if the real thing is not there the water will still wait for it.”
Taisuke turned and looked at Wataru. His skin was lit by the very same rays that were shining on the canal.
“I can only live during the night and I can’t shine like the sun for you, but I’ll be coming back every time the sun sets,” Taisuke whispered as light flickered in his eyes.
“Taisuke...”
“I can continue to rise in the sky just because I want to see my reflection on this river. I can’t live without telling you my feelings.”
“The river will be there waiting to show your light. And it will be reflecting the light of the day feeling pitch black inside.”
Taisuke’s face lit up as he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Wataru smiled.
“I’ve loved you from a while now.”
“Really? You love someone like me?” Taisuke asked, turning to look at the water. Wataru quickly shifted and hugged him from behind. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Taisuke’s shoulder.
“Don’t say that ever again. I do, of course I do. You are the most beautiful person in this world.”
“Is this happiness really true?” Taisuke said in a whisper, closing his eyes and slowly bringing up his hand to touch Wataru’s arm. “Please don’t let me go tonight.”
Wataru held Taisuke in his arms, many nights that winter. He wanted to stay as close to him as possible. Every time they were together they forgot about the world outside. Just lying by Taisuke’s side, holding him in his arms, burying his face in the pleasant smell and the softness of his body, was a sort of bliss that Wataru never felt before.
Taisuke’s soft kisses and his skin under the touch of his fingers were all Wataru could wish for. Every time he let the fabric of Taisuke’s kimono slide down to reveal his beautiful colour, Wataru felt like he was looking at the most amazing thing in the world. All his senses felt awake in the dreamy atmosphere of their private space. Shivering, he would look at Taisuke’s enraptured expression while holding him steady and never get tired of the way the other felt around him. Taisuke’s moans were the most precious music to Wataru’s ears. His name on Taisuke’s lips sounded soft and completely new. His hands wandering everywhere, the warmth of their bodies, the muffled sounds, the smell of their skin, the taste of their kisses were like invisible but solid threads tying them closer and closer. Wataru’s sharp eyes grasped every part of Taisuke, they pierced his soul, seized all his senses and feelings, and nothing could replace the emptiness when they were not together.
Love turned them into drunken spinning tops, the pleasure of the flesh mixed with a feeling so strong it inebriated the air around them like the intoxicating scent of poisonous flowers.
“I wish you were only mine,” Wataru said, trailing his fingers down Taisuke’s spine during a cold night.
Taisuke sighed and turned to avoid the other’s look. “You said something dangerous.”
“Taisuke, I...”
“What? What will you do?” Taisuke turned to face him abruptly. “There’s no way we can be happy. There’s no way the world will let us.”
Wataru’s eyes fell. He was a samurai, and Taisuke was an actor. They belonged to different worlds and Wataru was still bound to follow his tono back to his hometown in a year’s time.
“Then this room will be our world. Our feelings for each other will be our world. We’ll build sturdy walls and never let anyone in to disrupt our happiness.”
“Wataru...?”
“Mh?”
“This way you’ll be the only thing in my world, won’t you?”
“You don’t want it?”
“...I do.”
--
One day, Wataru was walking near the theatre district after watching Taisuke’s kabuki show, when a man, followed by a servant, approached him. He looked like a wealthy merchant and he had a determined grin on his face, like someone who was used to talking business without being disappointed.
The merchant’s name was Ginzaburo and he said what he needed to without beating about the bush. Ginzaburo was one of Taisuke’s customers. He looked convinced that they had a special relationship, and that he was actually considered more than a customer by Taisuke. Ginzaburo told Wataru that having a samurai putting strange ideas into Taisuke’s head wasn’t very nice. It wasn’t like actors were allowed to think about a silly thing like falling in love with a samurai.
Wataru immediately knew this was the obnoxious admirer that Taisuke didn’t wish to see anymore, so he stood up and answered him that he believed that Taisuke was only seeing the merchant as a client.
“So are you just his customer as well? Sorry, I must have misunderstood,” Ginzaburo’s grin was there to provoke him, but Wataru didn’t answer. Telling the truth would have just brought trouble in their lives.
Wataru remembered how Taisuke advised him to be careful. He couldn’t tell anyone about their love, because everything would be spoiled if people knew. Wataru couldn’t answer Ginzaburo. He just bit his lower lip till it actually bled, clenching his fists, ashamed of himself for being so cowardly.
--
Taisuke was massaging Wataru’s shoulders in the room lit only by the feeble light of the candles. Shadows flickered on the walls like evil spirits dancing around them. Wataru was still recalling the events of the afternoon. His expression and silence betrayed him, and Taisuke realized that he was hiding something.
“You’re so tense. Too much sword training? No, let me guess, something happened.”
Wataru immediately relaxed under Taisuke’s touch and sighed. Taisuke knew him too well and he couldn’t keep hiding things from him any longer.
“I met someone who knows you. The obnoxious admirer, Ginzaburo.”
Taisuke sighed and stopped moving his hands. “And?”
“Nothing. I don’t like this. It seems like this person is really interested in you.”
“But I’m not interested in him.”
Wataru turned to face him suddenly.
“Are you jealous?” Taisuke smiled grabbing Wataru’s cheeks between his palms.
“Taisuke! I’m just worried about you. You shouldn’t go close to people like him.”
“Well, I can’t really avoid that, since it’s my job.” Taisuke frowned. “But if my play keeps being successful and I become famous, then I won’t have to do it anymore.”
“I wish I’d met you in another life. In another world where we could both be happy.”
“You have too much imagination. We are happy now, aren’t we? You said that this room was our world.”
“Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“I will.”
--
Wataru was really worried about Taisuke. He had seen Ginzaburo a couple of times after their first meeting and he didn’t like the look in his eyes. The way he looked at Wataru showed he resented him. Wataru tried to be with Taisuke most of the time, even if he had to pay to meet him. Taisuke got really mad and Wataru had no other choice but to stop.
Wataru’s friends were starting to feel worried. Wataru was still performing his duties every day, and his tono had nothing to complain about, but, for some reason, everyone noticed that something had changed within him. At first, it had been a sort of gentleness, the kind of aura a person has when he’s taking care of someone else. But Shigeaki and Fumito couldn’t help but notice how worried Wataru looked recently. They knew Wataru had someone in the pleasure district, someone he really cared about. At first they were tempted to stop him because they thought it was bad for him and his reputation, but they soon realized he wasn’t going there to have fun. He really loved someone.
One day, they followed Wataru to the place and saw him talking to a kabuki actor. They went asking around for his name and decided to go and watch his play to know more about him. They couldn’t actually believe their friend, so rigorous and loyal, could have fallen for a kabuki actor. But when they saw him on stage they realized that Taisuke was very good looking. Then they noticed the elegance in his gestures and dancing. At the end of the play they had a very clear idea of why Wataru was interested in him. That didn’t stop Fumito from wanting to know more. He asked if he could talk with Taisuke and they were both allowed backstage. Taisuke had removed his makeup already and had changed his clothes. He greeted them, and they complimented him for his play.
“I can understand what he sees in you,” Fumito said when Taisuke’s smile lit the room with its young cheerfulness. “But he’s our friend and a honoured samurai.”
Taisuke’s smile dimmed into a serious expression. “Believe me when I say I know this better than anyone,” Taisuke said, looking at the two friends.
“By no means do I intend to bring him damage. I didn’t want our bond to be as tight as it is, but now, I can’t let go and I can’t not see him.”
Fumito’s eyes were wide open, as he was listening to true love talking with Taisuke’s lips.
Shigeaki placed a hand on Fumito’s shoulder. “We are not here to ask you not to see him anymore. We just wanted to meet the person our friend treasures so much. And now we can see he’s worthy of him.”
“What are you doing here?” Wataru’s voice asked, as he entered the room.
Fumito and Shigeaki fretted to find an excuse and while they were blabbering nonsense, a sunny laugh bursted in the room. They turned to look at Taisuke, apparently extremely amused by the whole situation.
“You... you look so serious, Wataru. Poor guys!” he said wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.
The other three looked at each other and suddenly they couldn’t hold the laughter in anymore.
Wataru was glad his friends had understood and accepted the situation, even if they were only a small portion of the world that could turn against them any minute.
--
The moon was surrounded by clouds that night. Little sparkles of snow were falling down covering the world with a radiant white coat that made every object glow even in the darkness. It was unusual to have so much snow so late in the season. Wataru was writing on a scroll before getting ready for the night, when suddenly a voice came through the door.
“Wataru! I’m coming in!” Fumito rushed inside the room finding Wataru standing up ready to listen, alarmed by the tone of his voice. “It’s Taisuke!”
Wataru’s surprised expression was immediately replaced by shock and he grabbed his friend’s shoulders like he wanted to shake information out of him that way.
“What happened?”
“I was patrolling around the streets and I saw a figure walking in front of me. It was Taisuke. Then a group of men surrounded him and he followed them. I went there and asked if everything was fine, but they just said that their master was Taisuke’s customer and asked them to escort him to his house for a drink. But I saw worry in Taisuke’s eyes. I thought I’d better tell you this.”
Wataru patted his shoulders. “You did well.”
He grabbed his swords and dashed outside, and Fumito didn’t even have the time to ask where he was going. He followed him, but Wataru ran fast and his footprints had already been covered by the snow that was falling heavily.
--
Taisuke entered Ginzaburo’s room and found him sitting lazily on the floor. Taisuke bowed and sat down when the other told him to.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“I wonder... Ginzaburo-san, you didn’t visit me lately, nor did you come to see my play. Do you have any complaints about my acting?” Taisuke asked politely.
"Tsk. Nothing like that. It’s just that I was tired of seeing that samurai’s face every time I came to visit.”
“I’m really sorry that you don’t get along with my other friends.”
“Quit that now and tell me how you feel about me.”
“Ginzaburo-san is a very precious customer...”
“I don’t want to hear that. Why don’t you understand?!”
Taisuke only gave him a piercing look as an answer.
“Or more precisely, you do understand and ignore me. Why?!” Ginzaburo reached for Taisuke and grabbed his hand. “Why can’t you respond to my feelings? You do love me, right? You love me as much as I do, I’m sure!”
“I’m sorry.”
Ginzaburo released Taisuke’s hand and the other bent his head in apology.
“What do you mean you’re sorry? You love me! You were all mine before... before that brat came!” Ginzaburo forcefully grabbed Taisuke’s shoulders and started shaking him.
“Please, let me go. You’re hurting me.”
“You’re hurting me! Come back to me. Come here in my arms and be mine, only mine.”
Ginzaburo hugged Taisuke but the young man pushed him away and stood up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I-I... Please, don’t come anymore.”
Taisuke was about to exit from the room when Ginzaburo grabbed him again and pushed him down on the tatami.
“You are mine. If you say you aren’t mine then you won’t be no one else’s!” Ginzaburo wrapped his hands around Taisuke’s neck.
Taisuke tried to push him away but Ginzaburo was sitting on him with all his weight. Hitting him was no use. He was mad, he was insane. He wanted to take all of Taisuke away, starting with his life, since he couldn’t take possession of his feelings.
Blotches of light were blurring Taisuke’s vision. The man’s hands were rough and heavy on him. Breathing was impossible. Taisuke’s hands started searching everywhere around him while he choked. Finally, he reached for his head, and pulled out a sharp hair accessory.
He needed to breathe, he needed to get this weight out of him. He pierced Ginzaburo’s eye with the sharp edge of his accessory and the man winced, screaming in pain. Taisuke tried to crawl away, but Ginzaburo caught hold of him again, and this time he had a knife in his hand.
Taisuke fought against the man who was trying to kill him, his eyes full of rage, resentment, obsession. Taisuke was scared. This wasn’t love. This love wasn’t the same as what he felt for Wataru.
The blade of the knife brushed against Taisuke’s neck and a drop of carmine blood ran down his skin, hot and thick.
“I’ll take your life and then mine. We’ll die together like lovers! Because you are destined to be mine!”
“We are not lovers. I don’t love you.” Taisuke was trying to keep Ginzaburo’s knife away. He was heavy. His obsession was heavy.
Taisuke never liked him but he was forced to pretend he did, for his money. Suddenly he felt nauseous and raging. All his life he had to live pleasing fake lovers like this man. All his life he had never realized how unhappy he was. Ginzaburo was just the personification of all the horrible moments he had lived so far. All his tears condensed right behind his eyelids, and his mind was screaming and remembering Wataru’s words about a different life, a place where they could be happy.
There’s no such place!
Taisuke pushed Ginzaburo’s hand away and the knife fell on the floor. Ginzaburo jumped on him grabbing the hems of his kimono, tearing apart the sheer fabric.
There is no such place where we can be happy. All is destroyed.
A tear ran down Taisuke’s cheek as he fastened his fingers around the knife he found at his side on the floor. A throb of his heart and he felt the blade making its way into Ginzaburo’s flesh. The blade came out of the man’s side stained with blood, but Taisuke didn’t falter. He hoisted himself up while Ginzaburo’s hand, covered in blood, was still trying to reach for him.
Go away, disappear.
Taisuke’s eyes looked cold as he raised his hand again and stabbed the man between his neck and shoulder. This time Ginzaburo fell on him, shaking. Another stab, into his stomach, and he tumbled to the floor in front of Taisuke, this time not moving anymore.
Taisuke looked at his trembling hand holding the knife covered in blood. As the cold sensation slid away from his body, he realized how hot the blood felt on his own skin. Streaks of red were covering him, staining his face and his kimono. His ears were still ringing when he stood up to look at Ginzaburo’s body. He let the knife slide from his hand to the floor where it ricocheted heavily.
What have I done?!
Shock invaded him as he knelt down, unable not to look at the face of death in front of him.
--
Wataru heard screams coming from inside the house. He ran through the gates and crossed the silent garden. He looked into the room where the screams came from and saw Taisuke among a group of people and someone lying on the floor, dead. He recognised Ginzaburo on the floor and the man that was screaming appeared to be his father.
“He killed my Ginzaburo! He killed him!” the fat merchant screamed. “Grab him!” he ordered the henchmen as he stole a sword from one of them and pointed it to Taisuke’s face.
“You’ll regret it. Taking your filthy life isn’t nearly enough... oh my Ginzaburo!” the raging father said, raising his sword.
Wataru launched himself in the room in a matter of instants and stepped between Taisuke and the blade, blocking the blow with his sword, the metal gliding with a clanking noise.
“What the hell...?”
“I won’t let you hurt Taisuke.”
“He killed my son! He deserves to die.”
“He tried to kill me... he...” Taisuke muttered, still shocked.
“Liar! You’re a murderer! People like you are just scum! You are going to die by this sword now.”
“You don’t understand. I said I won’t let you!” Wataru yelled and pushed on his blade, causing the other’s sword to fly away as the opponent fell back to the floor.
“Why do people like you think you can treat others like objects? Your son wasn’t much better.”
“What are you waiting for, you idiots!” the merchant yelled to the henchmen, “kill him! Kill both of them!”
The four men attacked Wataru. Swords clashed against each other, so fast it was possible to discern only the gleaming of the whirling blades.Wataru dodged and hit two men, leaving one on the floor, but eventually one blade got him. A stream of blood came out from his arm and Taisuke screamed. He grabbed the sword of the merchant on the floor and raging, attacked the man who hit Wataru. He managed to surprise him, but the man pushed him back after he blocked his attack.
“What are you doing?! Run!” Wataru yelled, going to protect him from the attacks.
“I can’t leave you.”
The three men attacked at the same time, and Yokoo moved his sword fast and managed to hit two of them.
“Taisuke, run!”
Taisuke clenched the hilt of the sword and ran to stop the man that was about to stab Wataru behind his back. He held him, but the man thrusted with his sword, sending Taisuke to the floor. He was about to let his blade drop on him when Wataru dove between them and another splash of blood came out as the man’s blade plunged into his flesh. Warm drops reached Taisuke’s face as Wataru bent his knees and doubled up. Taisuke stood up and pierced the man with his sword, screaming. Tears were blurring his vision, but rage was enough to guide his armed hand. As the man fell on the floor with a thump, Taisuke turned to Wataru who was holding both hands on his injured side. He was looking down, his face displaying indescribable pain.
“We have to run away before someone else arrives. I saw that old man sneaking away. He probably went to call for help,” Wataru said, trying to stand up. Taisuke reached for him and helped him by pulling one of Wataru’s arms over his own shoulders.
It had stopped snowing outside. A silent moon was glowing in the sky. Sporadic clouds passed in front of it, but they were never dense enough to hinder the rays from coming down on the white world around them. They moved as fast as they could, leaving a trail of blood on the crisp snow.
“Wataru...” Taisuke looked at him worried, but Wataru managed to smile in between expressions of pain.
They reached the garden of a temple and Taisuke let Wataru slide gently to the ground and allowed his back to rest on a rock behind him. Taisuke took a look at Wataru’s wound and saw that his stomach was completely immersed in blood. From the hole in his kimono he could see a deep cut. Taisuke put his hands there to stop the blood as Wataru panted, finding it more and more difficult to breathe.
“Wataru...”
“There’s nothing you can do, Taisuke. Leave it. It’s too late.”
“I can’t... I won’t...” Taisuke’s cheeks were streaked by the light of the moon reflected in the tears trailing down his face. He was looking everywhere anxiously, as if there could be something nearby that could help Wataru.
Wataru raised a hand and placed it on Taisuke’s cheek, stopping his head from moving around. They looked at each other, and Wataru smiled. A peaceful smile.
“I’ll wait for you in the place where we can both be happy.”
Taisuke fretted and grabbed his hand, “I’ll go.”
“Taisuke...”
“There’s no meaning in a world without you.”
“Taisuke.”
“I love you, Wataru. Let’s go together. You’re not allowed to leave me alone.” Taisuke smiled, still rubbing Wataru’s hand on his own cheek.
Taisuke then took the sword and placed it on Wataru’s hand, holding it against his own neck. Wataru was panting heavily. Taisuke cupped his face and looked into his eyes as they made one last effort to stay open and return the gaze.
“See you soon, Wataru.”
Taisuke placed his neck on the blade and slowly slid down to kiss Wataru’s lips as blood flooded, taking the warmth of his life away from him.
A gentle night breeze had blown all the clouds away allowing the moon to wrap their bodies in its glowing light. Tears and blood stained the last snow of the season as the new wind was already carrying the scent of spring.