(no subject)
The following is a monologue... I encourage you not to read it. I post this for myself, not for anyone else, and not that it really matters because I don't think many people read this anymore.
I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't try hard enough. Not by my parents or anything. A lot of people mistakenly believe that I work hard and that I try my best. (A lot of people are also smart, and realize that I don't try hard in much of anything.) Sometimes, great things happen to people that deserve them... that work hard... and sometimes these great things are things that YOU once wanted to do. Well, someone I know accomplished something really amazing this weekend. That's great and all. I'm extremely, extremely, extremely proud of her. We're talking beaming with joy. But I can't help but feel a little twinge of... something. You see, I once wanted this but I was lazy. I probably could have accomplished the same thing, or at least prepared well enough to have a good shot, but I gave up and didn't even try. I had my priorities in the wrong place. It's not that I'm jealous, exactly. Am I a little bit jealous? Yeah, a little bit! Afterall, I'm a very jealous person. But it's far more overshadowed by this feeling that I have, a mixture of disappointment-guilt-unhappiness, because I didn't even try.
I'm starting to become more confident that I can do a lot of things... a lot of really neat things. I can make a big difference because I have the desire to do so, the drive to do so, the right motives to do so.... But I am disorganized. I am lazy and am easily distracted.
This year, I really wanted to prove (mainly to myself) that I can accomplish great things. I need to find ways to stay motivated, stay organized.... I need to find ways to make myself just get out of bed and get to class sometimes. This summer, I've proven that I can do it.... I start work anywhere between 4 and 7AM. I can get up if I realize that someone is counting on me to show up and do my best. I guess I have to build on this confidence in the ability that I really can wake up and get more than breakfast accomplished before noon. I need to learn that the very person counting on myself to show up and do my best is.... well... myself.
I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't try hard enough. Not by my parents or anything. A lot of people mistakenly believe that I work hard and that I try my best. (A lot of people are also smart, and realize that I don't try hard in much of anything.) Sometimes, great things happen to people that deserve them... that work hard... and sometimes these great things are things that YOU once wanted to do. Well, someone I know accomplished something really amazing this weekend. That's great and all. I'm extremely, extremely, extremely proud of her. We're talking beaming with joy. But I can't help but feel a little twinge of... something. You see, I once wanted this but I was lazy. I probably could have accomplished the same thing, or at least prepared well enough to have a good shot, but I gave up and didn't even try. I had my priorities in the wrong place. It's not that I'm jealous, exactly. Am I a little bit jealous? Yeah, a little bit! Afterall, I'm a very jealous person. But it's far more overshadowed by this feeling that I have, a mixture of disappointment-guilt-unhappiness, because I didn't even try.
I'm starting to become more confident that I can do a lot of things... a lot of really neat things. I can make a big difference because I have the desire to do so, the drive to do so, the right motives to do so.... But I am disorganized. I am lazy and am easily distracted.
This year, I really wanted to prove (mainly to myself) that I can accomplish great things. I need to find ways to stay motivated, stay organized.... I need to find ways to make myself just get out of bed and get to class sometimes. This summer, I've proven that I can do it.... I start work anywhere between 4 and 7AM. I can get up if I realize that someone is counting on me to show up and do my best. I guess I have to build on this confidence in the ability that I really can wake up and get more than breakfast accomplished before noon. I need to learn that the very person counting on myself to show up and do my best is.... well... myself.