(no subject)
It's a little comforting to read about the other victims. There is Austin, whose face shines brighter than all of them. But then there are the others.... There was a high school drum major, a clarinet player, someone who was learning Russian, some God-lovers. At first it made me feel even worse, but then I started to feel better. These people were just like me.... and you.... and my friends.... and my boyfriend.... and my family. We're all the same. We have big dreams, for ourselves and for each other. We all have talents. We're all smart. We all want the best in life. But unfortunately, our lives will end at different times. Austin's - very, very early. Someone else's - very, very late. The rest of us - somewhere in between. It's hard for me to accept that from the day she was born, God knew that she was supposed to leave 18 years later. It's hard for me to accept that God is in control of everything, but it's also the most comforting thing to me. God didn't turn his back on the world on Monday - this is all in His plan, as much as we really hate it sometimes and can't understand it. But He must have wanted Austin to come back to Him sooner. Maybe Heaven was lacking in amazing, beautiful, gifted angels. He had something in mind for her, something far better than what she could have had in this life. He didn't cause these things to happen, but He allowed them to. These are the things that I have to tell myself constantly. It might seem like I'm being all religiousy, which I guess I am, but honestly.... If I could not tell myself these things and actually believe them, I would not know what to do with myself.
I have been telling people to be strong, when actually, I was just asking myself to be strong. But I've realized that it's OK to not be strong. It's good to just cry. And scream. And mess up your shirt with all your tears and boogers. And do the same thing with your boyfriend's shirt. And your friend's shirt. And it's OK to question. And hug. And to admit that you don't know anything and that you wish you did. And to not have the answers. And to be with friends. And to be alone. And to talk on the phone. And to write in your LiveJournal. And to check her Facebook page, just to see what other's have written on her wall. I've realized that it's OK to do these things because if you just let yourself do them NOW, you will slowly start to heal and to let go of your pain. It will always hurt, but it won't always hurt constantly.
So what I really want to say to everyone is to be strong - when you're ready.
I have been telling people to be strong, when actually, I was just asking myself to be strong. But I've realized that it's OK to not be strong. It's good to just cry. And scream. And mess up your shirt with all your tears and boogers. And do the same thing with your boyfriend's shirt. And your friend's shirt. And it's OK to question. And hug. And to admit that you don't know anything and that you wish you did. And to not have the answers. And to be with friends. And to be alone. And to talk on the phone. And to write in your LiveJournal. And to check her Facebook page, just to see what other's have written on her wall. I've realized that it's OK to do these things because if you just let yourself do them NOW, you will slowly start to heal and to let go of your pain. It will always hurt, but it won't always hurt constantly.
So what I really want to say to everyone is to be strong - when you're ready.