a thought
I think my journal is dumb. it doesn't have anything worth anything to anyone. except perhaps me.
here's what I want to do: I want to write. fanfic, yes. I want to be like those lj people I worship. I want to be followed by people too shy to tell me they follow me on lj. I do that to so many people. I want to write something worth something to someone. I want to have people review. I want to be better
but I'm stuck inside the cage of my own self-doubt. too embarassed to actually put anything up. too scared to ever really write anything.
I expect a lot of myself. I guess that's what teenagers do. they think that they have the potential to be the absolute best. I'm not different. I think that I could be good. I probably think I am good right now, even though it's not true.
I should pluck up the courage to do what I want. I really should be able to do that. probably the whole "expectation" thing talking now. I expect myself to do well.
I admit that I have an ego. what are we without or ego? too afraid to speak up, unconfident of our own thoughts and opinions. it's not the way I live my life. so why should this be so hard?
it must be the thought of ridicule. yes, I think it is. I'm afraid of being not-the-best. everyone is, I think. everyone's afraid of failure. but I'm letting that control me. what I want. not a good thing, huh?
but all in all, I want. I want things for myself. I want to be selfish in this way; I want to inspire people like all these amazing authors have inspired me. but I'm still so afraid. afraid of opinions. afraid of myself, maybe. finding my limitations would be terrifying. I don't want limitations. but as long as I don't try, I have self-imposed limitations that I pretend arent really there.
I should take advantage of this summer time. I should sit my ass down and do what I want. that's what being my age is about. finding yourself, right? I know myself, I think, but I don't know what I can do.
I'm gonna go plant myself at my desk. er--after this one fanfic... ^__^
here's what I want to do: I want to write. fanfic, yes. I want to be like those lj people I worship. I want to be followed by people too shy to tell me they follow me on lj. I do that to so many people. I want to write something worth something to someone. I want to have people review. I want to be better
but I'm stuck inside the cage of my own self-doubt. too embarassed to actually put anything up. too scared to ever really write anything.
I expect a lot of myself. I guess that's what teenagers do. they think that they have the potential to be the absolute best. I'm not different. I think that I could be good. I probably think I am good right now, even though it's not true.
I should pluck up the courage to do what I want. I really should be able to do that. probably the whole "expectation" thing talking now. I expect myself to do well.
I admit that I have an ego. what are we without or ego? too afraid to speak up, unconfident of our own thoughts and opinions. it's not the way I live my life. so why should this be so hard?
it must be the thought of ridicule. yes, I think it is. I'm afraid of being not-the-best. everyone is, I think. everyone's afraid of failure. but I'm letting that control me. what I want. not a good thing, huh?
but all in all, I want. I want things for myself. I want to be selfish in this way; I want to inspire people like all these amazing authors have inspired me. but I'm still so afraid. afraid of opinions. afraid of myself, maybe. finding my limitations would be terrifying. I don't want limitations. but as long as I don't try, I have self-imposed limitations that I pretend arent really there.
I should take advantage of this summer time. I should sit my ass down and do what I want. that's what being my age is about. finding yourself, right? I know myself, I think, but I don't know what I can do.
I'm gonna go plant myself at my desk. er--after this one fanfic... ^__^