DRUNK AGAIN, YESSS!!!! and now i'm going to vent to the world

[paddedcellmate]

well, i'm drunk again. thank God, the shakes are finally going away.....j/k. i dont drink ehough to get the shakes.....yet. still, i wasnt planning on drinking tonight, but damn its the only thing that works, and right now im debating about staying up all night and drunk dailing everybody in the morning or not, i'm not too sure people enjoy my drunk dailing. fuck it, i know they dont. the only people i can count on enjoying time with me and such are my parents, but i'm looking for more, and i dont fucking know where to go. Christ, i thought i was finished with all of this bullshit when i finally started trying to do something with my life. was it the wrong thing, would i be better off if i hadnt joined the navy? would i have finally pulled my life together and finished college? would i be starting a career now instead of biding my time waiting for my discharge papers. i dont fucking know. at times it seems to me that the navy has opened up a world of opportunities to me that i would NEVER have otherwise and then there are the ruts like the one ive been stuck in lately, where it just seems like the joining the navy might've been one of the biggest mistakes ive ever made. the thing that sucks more than anything is that i want so much to come back home. but the navy has complete control over my life and it appears that washington may be the closest i'll be able to get. thats good and bad, on the one hand it would be nice to be real close to friends and family, so i could see y'all more often. but lets face it, once my being home becomes less of a rarity, everybody is going to stop making time. and its going to go back to the way it was when i was living in cali, unless i went into the hospital nobody would give a flying fuck if i was breathing or not. well, if youre saying thats not so, i'll tell you this, i'm drunk and when i drink i just call it the way i see it. seriously, how many fucking people can you count on, im not talking about the ones who are going to be there when the shit hits the fan, thats fucking easy, to jump in when theres an aparent crisis and i say fuck those people who do that. i dont fucking need any goddamn wanna be heroes in my life. i need the people who are willing to be friends any day, the ones that will talk to me when i'm just a little upset about my day or even when i'm having a good day and want to share some of my happiness. being a hero is a cake job, sticking to it is whats really hard. being there for the long run, when the immediate gratification of feeling like youve helped cure somebody goes away, thats whats important. fuck!!! maybe friendship is a career. damn i even got people like that in my family, the ones who wouldnt even return a phone call when i was living at home. yeah they send me a check on my christmas and my birthday, when they remember, but where the fuck were they last week when all i fucking wanted was an e-mail, telling me how they were doing and asking me how i was. and now your going to say, "but we have our own lives to live." well, so do i god damnit but i still go through the effort to stay in touch with the people i care about. and you guys are telling me that you want me home, bullshit i say. nobody even returns a fucking e-mail, and it takes all of what, less than 5 goddamn minutes to write out a response. so, why am i ranting this shit on my journal, when i know that it's going to get ZERO responses. i guess its just for my peace of mind because i feel like bitching right now, so i'm gonna bitch, and if you dont want to hear it, too fucking late because youve already read this far. damn i think i may have been holding a lot of this shit in for a while. but, i will make this exception, i may be wrong and it wouldnt be the first time. i only know what i percieve, and if nobody tries to change that perception i'll never know anything else.

at this particular moment i just want to say, fuck the world, fuck it all, fuck everything, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!

wow, i think that may have actually helped, its nice to have somebody listen to you gripe. how do i know you listened, well, if youre reading this, you listened. thanks.
however, i must say, damn, i talk a lot when i'm drunk.