I WONDER IF I SHOULD BE CONCERNED?

[paddedcellmate]

i'm wondering if i should be concerned. lately i've been finding it more and more desirable to crawl into and hide inside a bottle. i never used to drink alone, hated it in fact. and yet it seems that recently, whenever i have time to myself, i inevitably end up with a drink in hand. but, what is it thats causing me to seek out this alcoholic escape. and why, when i drink, do i always post something in this journal. maybe its some form of desperate cry for help. maybe i'm searching for someone to reassure me that i'm not alone, someone out there that might be willing to say its not all bad. most everybody back home knows i have this, i'm pretty sure nobody reads it anymore, i mean, its not like i get any feedback. in all fairness i may just be drunk, but i just started drinking and i'm not feeling a thing yet. honestly, i'm quite sure that this has a lot to do with friends and family back home. i'm trying my hardest to stay in touch with everybody back home, without appearing too desperate. and for the life of me it just feels like nobody cares. of course everybody has lives of thier own, but why does it always feel like its one way for me. i go to the effort to maintain communications and once in a while i get a response. i guess thats one thing ive learned from being stationed overseas. communication with friends and family back home is so important. because especially for people away for the first time, you get to feeling so isolated that it causes a lot of depression. and for me, personally, i know that if i'm left to make an assumption..... i assume the worst. one thing i've learned about myself is that i'm pretty much like a dog. well, a puppy, they're cuter. i cannot read into things, i need to be told everything directly in plain english. if oyu want me to sit, say sit, i need to to hear it said in that kind of deliberate language. and, like i said, right now it just feels like everybody has turned thier back on me, and i hate this fucking feeling. i know that we all have our own lives to lead, but i try to make the effort and its comforting to know that somebody cares. it would be easy to blame this on alcohol, if i hadnt been feeling this way before i gave in and started drinking tonight. fact is i think the alcohol just loosened me up enough to write this. but thats deffinitely not a good reason to continue to drink the way i have been lately. and all this drinking is scaring me a little bit, i'm pretty sure that i'm prone to addictions. otherwise i would have quite smoking long ago. i'm scared of this, is it a predestinned path or one i can avoid?? are there lessons i must learn as an addict before i can move on?? i guess i'm just searching out there for somebody who gives a shit. well, i do hope y'all are doing good, i wish and hope for the best for you guys and i miss you all. i hope the time between now and july passes quickly. and i hope wherever i go next we can still stay friends.

oh yeah, if any of you guys were upset with my drunk dialing you, i'm truly sorry.