(no subject)
It cant all be wedding cake.
I just logged on to LJ on a whim. The homepage for my journal said I havent been here in 66 weeks, so I decided to take a peak and see what my life was like 66 weeks ago, the last time I updated or even wrote anyhting at all. It sems like my life was in a much different place just over a year ago, but I guess I already knew that. I didnt think it would end up this far, but then again I never ever do. Ive spent the majority of those 66 weeks stoned off my ass.
A year ago I was gearing up to quit Costco and visit my friend Chris Baby up in Spokane Washington. Raychel, RachelH, Sean, and I drove my moms expedition all the way up to Spokane after I got off work and we then embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. It was so amazingly random that I cannot get over some of the memories from the trip. We all stayed in Chris' living room, sleeping on air matteresses because he had no furniture. I saw it snow for the first time in my 22 years of living on New Years Day. We would make special trips into Spokane just to eat at a burger joint called Dicks. We drove without snow tires or chains up a snowy mountside and almost slipped off the side of the road. The trip back brought us through blizzards, frozen roads, and some of the most amazing countryside landscapes ive ever laid eyes on. The trip was amazing, certainly a once in a lifetime thing that I was glad we did. As fun as the whole trip was, I think it also may have been the most anxiety ridden period of time my body has ever experienced. During the course of the trip, I was physically in the drivers seat most of the time, smoking weed in the back when my turn was over, smoking weed on Chris' balcony, and eating Dicks whenever I could, but my head was far from any of those places. My thoughts were consumed by my current situation. I was extremely depressed, and I felt like I had no outlet at all because these problems I had let go for so long that it was almost useless to explain to anyone. I had fun, but inside I was hurting. On the last night of the trip, Chris drank too much, flipped out and drove his car away after we tried blocking him in. It scared the living shit out of me, driving around Spokane in the middle of the night trying to find my intoxicated friend. The next morning we packed up and left in a hurry. I felt like I had enough, the tension in my shoulders was making my back ache, and I just wanted to be home.
That was the beginning of 2007, and that is how it has stayed throughout. Its almost as if the whole trip was a precursor to my year. My anxiety over my life, decisions, people around me never subsided, I could not manage to explain to anyone what was really wrong, and why I was so upset. I smoked away my problems, I wanted to be in a state of forgiveness, where I would allow everything to move on and ahead without me saying a word. I thought that I had never felt more alone in those months leading up to April, but it wouldnt be long until I was proven wrong. All I wanted was some inter peace, all I got was everything but. My dad raised me to be a smart kid, in all the ways that he wasnt. Well booksmart I just may be, but sorry dad, I turned out just like you.
In an attempt to aid my unhealthy situation, I managed to push away everything that I had going good in my life. Friends, family, and work all took a backseat to illogical ideas, illfaded attempts at becoming healthy, frequent doctor visits, and purple haze. I pushed and pushed my girlfriend of over 2 years away, until I finally left her alone in the middle of the night.
ive spent the majority of this year replaying my life over and over in my head. ive actualy made some progress and found some answers that i needed. i regret it all.
what upsets me most is learning so much about your girlfriend after youve been together for so long and now you're not.
so here i am, a year later, a few days until 2008. Raychel and I have been apart since april. ive gone back to costco. in a daze i moved to irvine in attempt to better my situation and get away from home. is it any real surprise i was back a month later? Sean and Rachel broke up in September. Im not even gonna go there in this entry. what ive realized most about my situation is that it stems from the way I grew up and the enviroment in which I currently live. I did grow up to be the smart kid my dad wanted me to be. I am friendly, i am funny, and I love to make you laugh. I have all this burning desire and potential I can feel deep within me. Even though I rarely even touch alcohol, my behavior and actions are very similar to those of an alcoholic. Lack of communication with those closest to me, rash decision makeing, illfaded logic, and being overly sensitive/lacking sensitivity. This is what I have learned about myself, and this is what I am goingto have to deal with in order to actually do what I want with my life, and break free from this self destructive pattern. Ive been pushing people away from me my whole life, and that is why I know i deserve to sit here alone, just as I most likely will for New Years. I grew up in an alcohilic home, with enough love going around for me not to realize there were some pretty big problems. My dad divorced my mom, the reason was alcohol. He didnt want to be around it, she didnt want to be without it. Ever since then my dad has had a new life that is truely admireable, while my mom has let her drinking persist. She is in a place now where I do not recognize her, I cannot talk to her anymore, and she doesnt listen to me. I see my mom and remember everything from our lives together, but she does not. She only hurts over my dad, she only hides it deep down inside. She comes home and starts drinking to deal with the situation drinking has made for her. Us three kids go get high in the garage just to deal with her. The toughest part is admitting to myself that I will have to seperate myself from this situation in order to better myself. The scary part is that Ive said and done these things before, yet somehow it seems worse everytime.
I miss my friends. I miss everyone dearly. I am sorry for my actions and now I'll live with the guilt resting in the tension between my shoulder blades. I wake up everyday at 3 to be at work at 4am, because Im pretty sure I feel the subconscious need to punish myslef. I miss Raychel. I wish we could be friends and we could get to know each other. It was hard finding out she could never really open up to me when it seems everyone else loves that i am such a good listener. I didnt even know I had hurt her so bad. She is off dating again last thing I heard. I am glad she has moved on, I have not. I think about dating from time to time, but truthfully I have never been that great with girls and I know its going to take a helluva lot of motivation to get me out there. But I dont know when ill be ready for that.
2008 is so ridiculously in the air. I just want to hang out. Lets see what happens...
I just logged on to LJ on a whim. The homepage for my journal said I havent been here in 66 weeks, so I decided to take a peak and see what my life was like 66 weeks ago, the last time I updated or even wrote anyhting at all. It sems like my life was in a much different place just over a year ago, but I guess I already knew that. I didnt think it would end up this far, but then again I never ever do. Ive spent the majority of those 66 weeks stoned off my ass.
A year ago I was gearing up to quit Costco and visit my friend Chris Baby up in Spokane Washington. Raychel, RachelH, Sean, and I drove my moms expedition all the way up to Spokane after I got off work and we then embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. It was so amazingly random that I cannot get over some of the memories from the trip. We all stayed in Chris' living room, sleeping on air matteresses because he had no furniture. I saw it snow for the first time in my 22 years of living on New Years Day. We would make special trips into Spokane just to eat at a burger joint called Dicks. We drove without snow tires or chains up a snowy mountside and almost slipped off the side of the road. The trip back brought us through blizzards, frozen roads, and some of the most amazing countryside landscapes ive ever laid eyes on. The trip was amazing, certainly a once in a lifetime thing that I was glad we did. As fun as the whole trip was, I think it also may have been the most anxiety ridden period of time my body has ever experienced. During the course of the trip, I was physically in the drivers seat most of the time, smoking weed in the back when my turn was over, smoking weed on Chris' balcony, and eating Dicks whenever I could, but my head was far from any of those places. My thoughts were consumed by my current situation. I was extremely depressed, and I felt like I had no outlet at all because these problems I had let go for so long that it was almost useless to explain to anyone. I had fun, but inside I was hurting. On the last night of the trip, Chris drank too much, flipped out and drove his car away after we tried blocking him in. It scared the living shit out of me, driving around Spokane in the middle of the night trying to find my intoxicated friend. The next morning we packed up and left in a hurry. I felt like I had enough, the tension in my shoulders was making my back ache, and I just wanted to be home.
That was the beginning of 2007, and that is how it has stayed throughout. Its almost as if the whole trip was a precursor to my year. My anxiety over my life, decisions, people around me never subsided, I could not manage to explain to anyone what was really wrong, and why I was so upset. I smoked away my problems, I wanted to be in a state of forgiveness, where I would allow everything to move on and ahead without me saying a word. I thought that I had never felt more alone in those months leading up to April, but it wouldnt be long until I was proven wrong. All I wanted was some inter peace, all I got was everything but. My dad raised me to be a smart kid, in all the ways that he wasnt. Well booksmart I just may be, but sorry dad, I turned out just like you.
In an attempt to aid my unhealthy situation, I managed to push away everything that I had going good in my life. Friends, family, and work all took a backseat to illogical ideas, illfaded attempts at becoming healthy, frequent doctor visits, and purple haze. I pushed and pushed my girlfriend of over 2 years away, until I finally left her alone in the middle of the night.
ive spent the majority of this year replaying my life over and over in my head. ive actualy made some progress and found some answers that i needed. i regret it all.
what upsets me most is learning so much about your girlfriend after youve been together for so long and now you're not.
so here i am, a year later, a few days until 2008. Raychel and I have been apart since april. ive gone back to costco. in a daze i moved to irvine in attempt to better my situation and get away from home. is it any real surprise i was back a month later? Sean and Rachel broke up in September. Im not even gonna go there in this entry. what ive realized most about my situation is that it stems from the way I grew up and the enviroment in which I currently live. I did grow up to be the smart kid my dad wanted me to be. I am friendly, i am funny, and I love to make you laugh. I have all this burning desire and potential I can feel deep within me. Even though I rarely even touch alcohol, my behavior and actions are very similar to those of an alcoholic. Lack of communication with those closest to me, rash decision makeing, illfaded logic, and being overly sensitive/lacking sensitivity. This is what I have learned about myself, and this is what I am goingto have to deal with in order to actually do what I want with my life, and break free from this self destructive pattern. Ive been pushing people away from me my whole life, and that is why I know i deserve to sit here alone, just as I most likely will for New Years. I grew up in an alcohilic home, with enough love going around for me not to realize there were some pretty big problems. My dad divorced my mom, the reason was alcohol. He didnt want to be around it, she didnt want to be without it. Ever since then my dad has had a new life that is truely admireable, while my mom has let her drinking persist. She is in a place now where I do not recognize her, I cannot talk to her anymore, and she doesnt listen to me. I see my mom and remember everything from our lives together, but she does not. She only hurts over my dad, she only hides it deep down inside. She comes home and starts drinking to deal with the situation drinking has made for her. Us three kids go get high in the garage just to deal with her. The toughest part is admitting to myself that I will have to seperate myself from this situation in order to better myself. The scary part is that Ive said and done these things before, yet somehow it seems worse everytime.
I miss my friends. I miss everyone dearly. I am sorry for my actions and now I'll live with the guilt resting in the tension between my shoulder blades. I wake up everyday at 3 to be at work at 4am, because Im pretty sure I feel the subconscious need to punish myslef. I miss Raychel. I wish we could be friends and we could get to know each other. It was hard finding out she could never really open up to me when it seems everyone else loves that i am such a good listener. I didnt even know I had hurt her so bad. She is off dating again last thing I heard. I am glad she has moved on, I have not. I think about dating from time to time, but truthfully I have never been that great with girls and I know its going to take a helluva lot of motivation to get me out there. But I dont know when ill be ready for that.
2008 is so ridiculously in the air. I just want to hang out. Lets see what happens...