insomnia rant 2
I have been thinking a lot again... ive been out of work for 3 months. this blows i have tried so many places and all are looking for more exp people.. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXP IF I CANT GET A JOB IN MY FIELD???????
along with that how do u do it. i live my family still.. and every day i worry. what happens if i wake up to some one passed away. pete broke his shoulder because of my cousins kid. now he has to relay on me to take him places or to get things for him. i dont mind fuck he did it for me for years. but that he wants his car back and its an manual shift. how the fuck does he think hes going to drive it around with all the shifting you have to do in the city... i think i talked some sence in to him but still that he wanted to try driving on the road 2 weeks after he broke his arm... he has cancer and was told he has less then a 50% chance of living even if they open him up on the table so he wont have the surgery. he wont stop smoking. he is driving me crazy. he wont even let us have a wake for him he wants to be cremated and all though i will respect his wishes and make jokes about putting a little bit of him in a jar to have... it kills me to think that hes going to be gone sooner then later, with out my child ever knowing petey... not that i even ever having a child, but if i do hes going to meet who? my cousins.. great... 2 pot heads a princess, a bitch, and well i dont kno how to explain david.. hes got his head on his shoulders for now.
and then there is leo... i might not always get along with the man. i may hate his guts some days. and other days i love him like a father. and with that all said hes 76 and it seems like hes starting to fade. i worry about him and what happens to my mom when he dies. shes going to be single (again) shes only 63. she cant retire because we live here. she has to work at a crap ass job for a house she hates because shes crazy. but i keep worrying one day im going to wake up go up stairs and find him dead...
my mom is still as crazy as ever and still friendless for the most part. i dont kno what happened she used to have friends.. not many but a few. i remember when i was younger and my dad was still here they used to hang out with the people across the street... but some times i wonder if part of it was so they wouldnt fight as much. but my dads dead.. my friends dad is dead. we dont even talk much any more.
i am so scared of ending up like her. afraid unwilling to let go. friendless. only having leo my self my uncle. and bye the time i get to an age of significance it wont matter... i will have less then she does right now. pete and my mom are the glue that binds the family together. with out them what family do i have? a cousin who lives in back woods hicks ville whos working security there.. a cousin who likes to travel... and has only been home a total of maybe 3 months since his mother died.. my auntish person. my cousin who is to into her self and her boy friend to even come home and help her dad when he breaks his shoulder or even stay around even when she knows ive been the one staying around to watch him. and leaves me stranded when i want to do some thing. my cousin who hates her mom.. but loves her moms family and goes there because we dont drink. i mean the only cousin i have even a little faith in is my cousin david who seems to have his life in control living with his fiance, and her kids and his kid. fuck i didnt even kno he had a kid till 3 years ago.. the kid was 15 at the time.
i love my friends and there like family, but like ive been told we grow up and we seperate. its wierd to think some of them will be married with in a year and probably pop out some of them there kid things. then it gets harder... i mean really when u have kids your life becomes about them for the next 12 years then your still all about them but its different a little more like u spectate. i also noticed/ suspect kids make it so parents gravitate towards people with kids. so the single "creepy" friends get ditched more for the people who have kids and some similar interests.
i feel like im always going to be that person who doesnt really have a girlfriend or significant other. i mean i kno most of you wont think about it but how the fuck do people meet? i dont have many women friends who can actually be friendly with women who they didnt kno in high school. so no pity dates with friends wifes crazy friends.. lol proably a good thing there... but internet dating is crap ass too how the hell do u sell your self to some one in a blurb... and how come so many stuck up bitches are on those sites... ive been told that at work u can meet people.. but all my jobs i always feel like a creep going up to a co-worker and asking them out, and its even worse because i have a fear that some ones going to be a bitch and call sexual harassment, then guess whos screwed... that right the stupid bastard who thought maybe this girl was interested. and then they say go find some hobbies you like and meet people that way but what kind of stuff do i enjoy that i could meet more people at? im a geek i like comics, reading and although i was hit on once at a book store it was once and a longggggg time ago. since then unless ive had my head up may ass (very possible) i havent been flirted with again. i just dont have that kind of mind i always take it women are just being nice to me they dont flirt with me. they just like to say hi.
and on that i was talking to meggan. and well she pointed something out. i seem to do much better being one of the girls, ive always been the "other boy friend" or just a really good friend. because of this i feel im better at stuff then some othere guys i take hints. remember stuff a bit more. but it doesnt help you at all. it just ingrates you as the best friend/older brother type person. i am very jealouse of some of my friends who have ether been with the same girl for year on edge and are getting married or the guys who seemed to have a girl with him no matter what. i guess i should also add that i dont understand how they do it. and that there are spme of my friends that i dont understand for the pure and simple fact that they meet these girls and fall for them and all there is is a pretty body.. what about in side? what about the soul of the person. im seeing this women and i like her alot but i question all the time is she what i want in the end. what do i want in the end am i setteling? do i wait around for some thing when does my something come around?
i didnt have my first date until i was 22 i think. and that was with a 18 year old who loved me for some reason and i just didnt love her i didnt like her music and her friends and we didnt have as much in comon as id hopd but thats dating u learn a person to find out if u can deal with them and love them any ways. i love the qoute " loving some one is finding the person who is broken and you want them that way" i look at my life and wonder im 27 i have a girl friend who i do like and we enjoy each other but is it one of those " you pop the question because you feel you have to, and even though you dont have much in common you stay together for fear of never finding some one better" and whats with my life.. am i really that way. do i believe in love one person or am i going to be some oe who just wants to have multiple partners at a time.
i look at alot of people in my life and think wow i dont want to be them.. getting married to your first girl u have relations with... breaking up because u grew apart over the years and every time you talk to each othere it seems like your yelling and fighting. loosing 2 wives because u arent right for them or u cheat. i mean this is what ive seen in my life... i am pretty sure my parents "had me" because they were having troubles and thought it would help.. then a baby caused more problems... and they split up when i was 8, but it seems like even before that my parents hadnt been faithful to each other for years before that.. my uncle told me about my dad... and well i figure my mom was alone for along time and hd met leo well before my dad and her split. and leo wasnt divorced from his wife ethier.. how do people do it and why do they get married if relly your only going to get divourced later.. it makes me wonder what this is about i mean .. now it seems like marrige is more or less a trap.. again mostly for women... who after it all gets to corupt the kids and make them hate the father.. i kno theres got to be an opposite but you dont see it.. i mean yeah there are friends ive had who have some moms that were horrible.
i guess what im getting at is its 6am im tired as hell but my mind is spinning. i am thinking about the two girls who fell through my fingers.. one is now a superficial person who i wounder if is still the person i got to kno and the other is a friend who i could never get the courage up to ask out and some how got in to the friend zone and now cant get out. or so she says maybe she doesnt want to hurt my feeling but she admits when we met she thought i was cute and had hoped i would of asked her out... see this is what im talking about had another women who was a buddys girl.. they broke up i stayed friends with both .. how dare me huh? well i had like the girl for a while any way and i asked her out and she said yes!!!! then the day of the date.. she calls me up and tells me that she invited another friend and that her brother was coming along (the other friends) and that it would be a brother sister thing.... apparently im great at making friend ships but not good at this whole dating thing..
im 27 im over wieght, the family i kno has a history of diabetes, heart problems and high blood presure and cancer. ... my mom keeps telling me i should hope to be as spry as my step father at his age.. i tell her bye his age ill be dead.. im the child of smokers, not only that but my whole family othere then one cousin smokes so ive been around alot of smoke. my friends parents when we were growing up used to smoke. so now as a 27 year old i have a cough.. and i wonder does that make me more suppseptable to cancer? and what about my other familys side? what problems do they have?? what about my fahter... what did he die of? is he dead.. do i have more family? does my half sister kno about me? will this fmaily secret (worst secret ever !!!) ever be told in the light .. lol the only person who doesnt kno i kno is my mom. and i love her dearly but do u go up and tell your mom i kno i was adopted i kno who my mom is i kno i have brothers... i kno who they are and i think i have a sister... do i thank her for keeping me int he family? does it matter? my bio moms dead. does oit matter i am family here even if its a dying line. its funny... i am the only person to carry my "family name on" my dad was the only son so although we have the genes going forward im the only one still holding the mccabe name on.. but i dont have the genes. and the genes i do have are of another family that has one person carrying its name on. but hes gay so how long will that carry... not that it matters if hes gay or not hes family and hes one of the 12, thats all that my family is.. i keep thinking i want a giant family but how do u get one of those. other then friends being family. but then again friend leave and loose contact.
and when i do meet a girl i like what happens i play one fo two ways.. i ethier go over bored and scare them away or go to the other end and end up a fucking stupid ass best friend brother type...
i want to move out. but i still wonder so i leave evrything i kno and go find my self in colorado or do i stay here keep looking in this barrel. and enjoy my friends. enjoy the comradary thats been built for 10+ years...
i dont want to go to weddings and pay 150 bucks for fucking tux im wearing once.. espically when i dont believe in the wedding!!!!
i have no books and im running wicked behind on my insurance for health.. and i have been running hard against my bills tooo. this no job things sucks! there are times where i want to just curl up and cry. i miss my dad. i want to cuddle with some one i want people to look at me and not shake there head when i tell them what i did sat and what i bought...
for ow thats and end im feeling better.. but not great. i think i may hit the book store today.
along with that how do u do it. i live my family still.. and every day i worry. what happens if i wake up to some one passed away. pete broke his shoulder because of my cousins kid. now he has to relay on me to take him places or to get things for him. i dont mind fuck he did it for me for years. but that he wants his car back and its an manual shift. how the fuck does he think hes going to drive it around with all the shifting you have to do in the city... i think i talked some sence in to him but still that he wanted to try driving on the road 2 weeks after he broke his arm... he has cancer and was told he has less then a 50% chance of living even if they open him up on the table so he wont have the surgery. he wont stop smoking. he is driving me crazy. he wont even let us have a wake for him he wants to be cremated and all though i will respect his wishes and make jokes about putting a little bit of him in a jar to have... it kills me to think that hes going to be gone sooner then later, with out my child ever knowing petey... not that i even ever having a child, but if i do hes going to meet who? my cousins.. great... 2 pot heads a princess, a bitch, and well i dont kno how to explain david.. hes got his head on his shoulders for now.
and then there is leo... i might not always get along with the man. i may hate his guts some days. and other days i love him like a father. and with that all said hes 76 and it seems like hes starting to fade. i worry about him and what happens to my mom when he dies. shes going to be single (again) shes only 63. she cant retire because we live here. she has to work at a crap ass job for a house she hates because shes crazy. but i keep worrying one day im going to wake up go up stairs and find him dead...
my mom is still as crazy as ever and still friendless for the most part. i dont kno what happened she used to have friends.. not many but a few. i remember when i was younger and my dad was still here they used to hang out with the people across the street... but some times i wonder if part of it was so they wouldnt fight as much. but my dads dead.. my friends dad is dead. we dont even talk much any more.
i am so scared of ending up like her. afraid unwilling to let go. friendless. only having leo my self my uncle. and bye the time i get to an age of significance it wont matter... i will have less then she does right now. pete and my mom are the glue that binds the family together. with out them what family do i have? a cousin who lives in back woods hicks ville whos working security there.. a cousin who likes to travel... and has only been home a total of maybe 3 months since his mother died.. my auntish person. my cousin who is to into her self and her boy friend to even come home and help her dad when he breaks his shoulder or even stay around even when she knows ive been the one staying around to watch him. and leaves me stranded when i want to do some thing. my cousin who hates her mom.. but loves her moms family and goes there because we dont drink. i mean the only cousin i have even a little faith in is my cousin david who seems to have his life in control living with his fiance, and her kids and his kid. fuck i didnt even kno he had a kid till 3 years ago.. the kid was 15 at the time.
i love my friends and there like family, but like ive been told we grow up and we seperate. its wierd to think some of them will be married with in a year and probably pop out some of them there kid things. then it gets harder... i mean really when u have kids your life becomes about them for the next 12 years then your still all about them but its different a little more like u spectate. i also noticed/ suspect kids make it so parents gravitate towards people with kids. so the single "creepy" friends get ditched more for the people who have kids and some similar interests.
i feel like im always going to be that person who doesnt really have a girlfriend or significant other. i mean i kno most of you wont think about it but how the fuck do people meet? i dont have many women friends who can actually be friendly with women who they didnt kno in high school. so no pity dates with friends wifes crazy friends.. lol proably a good thing there... but internet dating is crap ass too how the hell do u sell your self to some one in a blurb... and how come so many stuck up bitches are on those sites... ive been told that at work u can meet people.. but all my jobs i always feel like a creep going up to a co-worker and asking them out, and its even worse because i have a fear that some ones going to be a bitch and call sexual harassment, then guess whos screwed... that right the stupid bastard who thought maybe this girl was interested. and then they say go find some hobbies you like and meet people that way but what kind of stuff do i enjoy that i could meet more people at? im a geek i like comics, reading and although i was hit on once at a book store it was once and a longggggg time ago. since then unless ive had my head up may ass (very possible) i havent been flirted with again. i just dont have that kind of mind i always take it women are just being nice to me they dont flirt with me. they just like to say hi.
and on that i was talking to meggan. and well she pointed something out. i seem to do much better being one of the girls, ive always been the "other boy friend" or just a really good friend. because of this i feel im better at stuff then some othere guys i take hints. remember stuff a bit more. but it doesnt help you at all. it just ingrates you as the best friend/older brother type person. i am very jealouse of some of my friends who have ether been with the same girl for year on edge and are getting married or the guys who seemed to have a girl with him no matter what. i guess i should also add that i dont understand how they do it. and that there are spme of my friends that i dont understand for the pure and simple fact that they meet these girls and fall for them and all there is is a pretty body.. what about in side? what about the soul of the person. im seeing this women and i like her alot but i question all the time is she what i want in the end. what do i want in the end am i setteling? do i wait around for some thing when does my something come around?
i didnt have my first date until i was 22 i think. and that was with a 18 year old who loved me for some reason and i just didnt love her i didnt like her music and her friends and we didnt have as much in comon as id hopd but thats dating u learn a person to find out if u can deal with them and love them any ways. i love the qoute " loving some one is finding the person who is broken and you want them that way" i look at my life and wonder im 27 i have a girl friend who i do like and we enjoy each other but is it one of those " you pop the question because you feel you have to, and even though you dont have much in common you stay together for fear of never finding some one better" and whats with my life.. am i really that way. do i believe in love one person or am i going to be some oe who just wants to have multiple partners at a time.
i look at alot of people in my life and think wow i dont want to be them.. getting married to your first girl u have relations with... breaking up because u grew apart over the years and every time you talk to each othere it seems like your yelling and fighting. loosing 2 wives because u arent right for them or u cheat. i mean this is what ive seen in my life... i am pretty sure my parents "had me" because they were having troubles and thought it would help.. then a baby caused more problems... and they split up when i was 8, but it seems like even before that my parents hadnt been faithful to each other for years before that.. my uncle told me about my dad... and well i figure my mom was alone for along time and hd met leo well before my dad and her split. and leo wasnt divorced from his wife ethier.. how do people do it and why do they get married if relly your only going to get divourced later.. it makes me wonder what this is about i mean .. now it seems like marrige is more or less a trap.. again mostly for women... who after it all gets to corupt the kids and make them hate the father.. i kno theres got to be an opposite but you dont see it.. i mean yeah there are friends ive had who have some moms that were horrible.
i guess what im getting at is its 6am im tired as hell but my mind is spinning. i am thinking about the two girls who fell through my fingers.. one is now a superficial person who i wounder if is still the person i got to kno and the other is a friend who i could never get the courage up to ask out and some how got in to the friend zone and now cant get out. or so she says maybe she doesnt want to hurt my feeling but she admits when we met she thought i was cute and had hoped i would of asked her out... see this is what im talking about had another women who was a buddys girl.. they broke up i stayed friends with both .. how dare me huh? well i had like the girl for a while any way and i asked her out and she said yes!!!! then the day of the date.. she calls me up and tells me that she invited another friend and that her brother was coming along (the other friends) and that it would be a brother sister thing.... apparently im great at making friend ships but not good at this whole dating thing..
im 27 im over wieght, the family i kno has a history of diabetes, heart problems and high blood presure and cancer. ... my mom keeps telling me i should hope to be as spry as my step father at his age.. i tell her bye his age ill be dead.. im the child of smokers, not only that but my whole family othere then one cousin smokes so ive been around alot of smoke. my friends parents when we were growing up used to smoke. so now as a 27 year old i have a cough.. and i wonder does that make me more suppseptable to cancer? and what about my other familys side? what problems do they have?? what about my fahter... what did he die of? is he dead.. do i have more family? does my half sister kno about me? will this fmaily secret (worst secret ever !!!) ever be told in the light .. lol the only person who doesnt kno i kno is my mom. and i love her dearly but do u go up and tell your mom i kno i was adopted i kno who my mom is i kno i have brothers... i kno who they are and i think i have a sister... do i thank her for keeping me int he family? does it matter? my bio moms dead. does oit matter i am family here even if its a dying line. its funny... i am the only person to carry my "family name on" my dad was the only son so although we have the genes going forward im the only one still holding the mccabe name on.. but i dont have the genes. and the genes i do have are of another family that has one person carrying its name on. but hes gay so how long will that carry... not that it matters if hes gay or not hes family and hes one of the 12, thats all that my family is.. i keep thinking i want a giant family but how do u get one of those. other then friends being family. but then again friend leave and loose contact.
and when i do meet a girl i like what happens i play one fo two ways.. i ethier go over bored and scare them away or go to the other end and end up a fucking stupid ass best friend brother type...
i want to move out. but i still wonder so i leave evrything i kno and go find my self in colorado or do i stay here keep looking in this barrel. and enjoy my friends. enjoy the comradary thats been built for 10+ years...
i dont want to go to weddings and pay 150 bucks for fucking tux im wearing once.. espically when i dont believe in the wedding!!!!
i have no books and im running wicked behind on my insurance for health.. and i have been running hard against my bills tooo. this no job things sucks! there are times where i want to just curl up and cry. i miss my dad. i want to cuddle with some one i want people to look at me and not shake there head when i tell them what i did sat and what i bought...
for ow thats and end im feeling better.. but not great. i think i may hit the book store today.