(no subject)
I think....
I think the first week back from the hospital was the worst week of my life
Not to say I dont love my son
Im more devoted to that little boys happiness than Ive every been to anything in my whole life
but I feel like an only parent
I feel like he should be doing more
like he should change more than one diaper a day
after hours of fighting and screaming is he just now starting to spend time with is son
but he wants to act like we can just drop him and go do stuff, and thats not the way it works
I know he works but I cant even count on him for that
I wonder week to week if Im going to have enough food
if my electricity is going to stay on
Im so sick of liveing this way
not knowing what he's going to spend money on next
what IM going to spend money on next
this sick part is most of the time we spend money on stuff we NEED things that have waited far to long
I want better
I want better for my son
I have never been as angry as I have been with this man
he pushes me to my limit and thinks its funny
hes a bully sometimes
and the only reason I dont walk away is because Im terrified of being alone
Ive always had someone since highschool
and thats just pathetic
Ive never been this angry in my life
Ive never been this bitter
it hurts
I want to let it go
but it jus sits in my heart and festers
I remember who I used to be
I want to go back that way
I want all this hate and anger to go away
I walk I read I scream and punch walls
none of it helps anymore
I cant just retreat from the world anymore
Ive forced myself into it and I hate it
the only reason I live
the only reason I breath is to see my son another day
Is to make sure his life is better than mine
would he be better without me?
better in the arms of my sister inlaw
or my mom?
for right now I really dont think so
I love my son more than I hate the world or myself
but how long will that last
I think the first week back from the hospital was the worst week of my life
Not to say I dont love my son
Im more devoted to that little boys happiness than Ive every been to anything in my whole life
but I feel like an only parent
I feel like he should be doing more
like he should change more than one diaper a day
after hours of fighting and screaming is he just now starting to spend time with is son
but he wants to act like we can just drop him and go do stuff, and thats not the way it works
I know he works but I cant even count on him for that
I wonder week to week if Im going to have enough food
if my electricity is going to stay on
Im so sick of liveing this way
not knowing what he's going to spend money on next
what IM going to spend money on next
this sick part is most of the time we spend money on stuff we NEED things that have waited far to long
I want better
I want better for my son
I have never been as angry as I have been with this man
he pushes me to my limit and thinks its funny
hes a bully sometimes
and the only reason I dont walk away is because Im terrified of being alone
Ive always had someone since highschool
and thats just pathetic
Ive never been this angry in my life
Ive never been this bitter
it hurts
I want to let it go
but it jus sits in my heart and festers
I remember who I used to be
I want to go back that way
I want all this hate and anger to go away
I walk I read I scream and punch walls
none of it helps anymore
I cant just retreat from the world anymore
Ive forced myself into it and I hate it
the only reason I live
the only reason I breath is to see my son another day
Is to make sure his life is better than mine
would he be better without me?
better in the arms of my sister inlaw
or my mom?
for right now I really dont think so
I love my son more than I hate the world or myself
but how long will that last