rereading myself
The midnight madness is upon me again, and there is so much now... I have laryngitis and bronchitis, so I've been so frustrated for days, I can't remember the last time I was this sick, and I'm so glad the new job hasn't started yet... but it hasn't started because there was massive turnover and manager beheadings at the hospital I interviewed at, a reminder that this kind of instability was part of what drove me away from nursing to begin with. Last time this kind of crazy Russian roulette situation happened, I was the only senior staff nurse left to run an entire floor and stepdown unit by myself for 3 months until a replacement manager could be found. And if you've never heard Bill Cosby say this, I feel the same way: I am not the boss. I don't want to be the boss. I have seen the boss's job and I have no interest in it whatsoever.
So that's why I'm still not working. I will call HR again tomorrow, and probably get the same response: they don't know anything yet, and they don't know when they will know anything more. I am in limbo, and the job I want will now probably be in limbo indefinitely.
So I've applied for other positions, but I've used the time, too, to be by myself and think. I wondered how I was going to tell my new manager that I was pregnant. And yes, I was. Two weeks ago, I was pregnant. I was barely pregnant, but it was an eye opener. I've used this forum often enough to specify that I would dearly love to have another child, that I have something of an obsession with whether I will ever have any other children, even though I know that I will have to go the careful bedrest and almost immediate daycare route with this one. I can't rearrange my life any more than I ever did for Brandon, try as I might. I did manage to keep him out of daycare for 3 years.... and there's no telling what I would do if I had to, just as I did with Brandon. Nights, weekends... I'm so tired of the craziness, but I would do it again. And last week, just as suddenly, the lab results came back and I was no longer pregnant. I still have some conflicting feelings about it, too... I knew my progesterone levels were low, probably too low to sustain the pregnancy, but I didn't even argue when the nurse practicioner told me she didn't suggest supplementing the progesterone. I didn't even ask why... which is unusual for me. I might still be pregnant now if I had... but then again, I might not.
When the NP called back last week to give me the news, I asked for patches. Brent is disappointed, he wants to try some more, but I'm just tired. Maybe in a couple of years I'll be ready to try again, but right now I'm just relieved and conflicted and I don't want to think about it again for a little while. We disagreed, but I won--it's my body. I feel badly about it, but I'm not totally without comfort.
We started going to church. Now, Brent and I have this historically crazy disagreement about church. He's Baptist, and I was baptized in a Methodist church--sprinkled. And he claims that I haven't been properly baptized. We were married by a Presbyterian minister, and I don't get especially worked up about denominational differences--the message is usually the same. I don't think man is meant to understand everything in the Bible, and I don't think God minds if we get a few details wrong as long as our intent is pure. I'm somewhat liberal-minded about this. So we start attending a Christian church here in Savannah, and there are nice people here and the ministers are smart and make a lot of sense and talk about important things--and we like it. Something we've finally agreed on after 8 years. And this is going to sound crazy, but I'm standing in church Sunday, after finding out that I have no child coming after all, and no job, and everything crashing around my head, and everything I've been holding in comes out, and I tear up. I can't control it, I can't breathe, I can't think any more. And I feel very strongly like something, someone else is holding me up, because I'm trying like crazy to sit down for a second; and like a whisper in my ear, I hear "I have other plans for you". I thought the man next to me had spoken (I was actually kind of panicking that he'd said that to me), and then I realized that he hadn't said anything. And I wouldn't bring it up, probably would never have shared it with anyone, I haven't even told Brent about it, but I know that the only people reading this aren't going to think I'm crazy after all. Maybe a little too stressed, and maybe a little suggestive right now, but when you get down to it, it was an answer. I never asked the questions out loud, but I'd been thinking them, and now I have an answer. I don't know many people who get one. I feel very strongly about it, but I don't have many people I can talk to about it. I guess I'm waiting to find out what that meant, and looking for the signs to point me in the direction of my plan.
So that's why I'm still not working. I will call HR again tomorrow, and probably get the same response: they don't know anything yet, and they don't know when they will know anything more. I am in limbo, and the job I want will now probably be in limbo indefinitely.
So I've applied for other positions, but I've used the time, too, to be by myself and think. I wondered how I was going to tell my new manager that I was pregnant. And yes, I was. Two weeks ago, I was pregnant. I was barely pregnant, but it was an eye opener. I've used this forum often enough to specify that I would dearly love to have another child, that I have something of an obsession with whether I will ever have any other children, even though I know that I will have to go the careful bedrest and almost immediate daycare route with this one. I can't rearrange my life any more than I ever did for Brandon, try as I might. I did manage to keep him out of daycare for 3 years.... and there's no telling what I would do if I had to, just as I did with Brandon. Nights, weekends... I'm so tired of the craziness, but I would do it again. And last week, just as suddenly, the lab results came back and I was no longer pregnant. I still have some conflicting feelings about it, too... I knew my progesterone levels were low, probably too low to sustain the pregnancy, but I didn't even argue when the nurse practicioner told me she didn't suggest supplementing the progesterone. I didn't even ask why... which is unusual for me. I might still be pregnant now if I had... but then again, I might not.
When the NP called back last week to give me the news, I asked for patches. Brent is disappointed, he wants to try some more, but I'm just tired. Maybe in a couple of years I'll be ready to try again, but right now I'm just relieved and conflicted and I don't want to think about it again for a little while. We disagreed, but I won--it's my body. I feel badly about it, but I'm not totally without comfort.
We started going to church. Now, Brent and I have this historically crazy disagreement about church. He's Baptist, and I was baptized in a Methodist church--sprinkled. And he claims that I haven't been properly baptized. We were married by a Presbyterian minister, and I don't get especially worked up about denominational differences--the message is usually the same. I don't think man is meant to understand everything in the Bible, and I don't think God minds if we get a few details wrong as long as our intent is pure. I'm somewhat liberal-minded about this. So we start attending a Christian church here in Savannah, and there are nice people here and the ministers are smart and make a lot of sense and talk about important things--and we like it. Something we've finally agreed on after 8 years. And this is going to sound crazy, but I'm standing in church Sunday, after finding out that I have no child coming after all, and no job, and everything crashing around my head, and everything I've been holding in comes out, and I tear up. I can't control it, I can't breathe, I can't think any more. And I feel very strongly like something, someone else is holding me up, because I'm trying like crazy to sit down for a second; and like a whisper in my ear, I hear "I have other plans for you". I thought the man next to me had spoken (I was actually kind of panicking that he'd said that to me), and then I realized that he hadn't said anything. And I wouldn't bring it up, probably would never have shared it with anyone, I haven't even told Brent about it, but I know that the only people reading this aren't going to think I'm crazy after all. Maybe a little too stressed, and maybe a little suggestive right now, but when you get down to it, it was an answer. I never asked the questions out loud, but I'd been thinking them, and now I have an answer. I don't know many people who get one. I feel very strongly about it, but I don't have many people I can talk to about it. I guess I'm waiting to find out what that meant, and looking for the signs to point me in the direction of my plan.