counted_stars Force rip event: River's formative memory.
You've seen him before, of course. Just once, in that place, through the visor of the spaceman suit, along with your mother and then you ran away, because you couldn't do it then. Even if your whole training screamed at you to shoot him, you couldn't, it felt wrong, not the time, not the place.
Not when your mother was shooting a gun at you, and then panicking.
And yes, you were frightened of him them. You were just a child, of course you were frightened. He was the great warrior, after all. You were only a girl.
That was two lifetimes ago. Two deaths, that is. Once in the cold streets, when you regenerated in an explosion of golden light and changed from the ginger hair that you shared with her into a darker skin and black hair that let you wander further and happier. And one right here, shot by Hitler, of all people. He's a terrible shot, and you still can't believe how absurd that is, the idiot shot right past his target and into your stomach. Watching Rory punch him and then shut him into a cupboard was fun, though. Of course, you knew your father was amazing; your mother's words never left you, even though you were barely hours old when she told you about the last centurion.
And then you watched him grow up, and you know exactly who he is, and it's even better.
But all of that fades as the golden glow tingles through the very essence of you and you have pale skin again and hair which doesn't. end. and he's right there, and this it the time and the place, and you get on with killing him - the play with the guns was fun, but it was only a game. Poison, and a kiss.
And you want to kiss him. There is something about the man who your whole life has been centered on, trained from before you could really understand what was going on to kill, something in the way he moves and the way he looks at you and the way he calls for a woman that you don't know as though she's right there that you can't shake off, despite the excitement of a new city, and not just any city - Berlin at the brink of war, when everything is ready and poised but no death has happened yet - none but what you caused yourself, and that's all right, anyway.
But there is something else. There is that strange thing in the shape of your mother and it is horrifying, all of a sudden, it makes you freeze and suspend in the air, and watch the Doctor try to argue with it even as he's dying, dying, dying because you killed him, poisoned him in a way that deprived him of the possibility to regenerate, and he'll be dead, dead once and for all, just as they intended and it was a bit of a jumble, but the Silence it was, if the robot said so, and as you hang suspended and helpless to speak or move, able only to look, you wonder, just for a moment, if they were right.
And then the doubt grows, because even though he's dying, even though he's dying because you killed him, he's begging your mother to save you, and that is somehow impossible and yet he does it, and Amy does it, and the pain stops, and all he does is beg you not to run. Not for his life, not for anything. He begs you not to run.
So you don't.
You stay and watch.
And you hear your mother beg him for help, and you know his body is failing, but still he tries, he crawls along the floor to save them, your mother and father, and he doesn't give up. You don't understand. Where does he find that will power? Why would the person you were taught is the most frightening creature in existence, the greatest warrior, push with the last breaths in his body to save people. He never raised a hand against anyone, he tried to stop any punishment, anything bad that was about to happen, even if there is no hope for him.
Who is this man?
Who is the woman that he calls on in his darkest, dimmest, painful hour?
But he doesn't tell you about her. He tells you about you.
It is the first time you've talked with him, the first time you've met him other than a brief fleeting glance. And yet he knows you, knows you so deeply and truly that it suddenly hurts. Hurts because there, for the first time your long, long life, there is somebody who knows you for you you are, pays attention to you for who you are, cares for you for you are, not because you're just there, not because you're supposed to do something for him, not because there's a bigger purpose, but because you are you and you exist and you are beautiful to him.
It hurts, because you killed him. He's barely hanging on to life, and he's fading before your eyes, and he's the only person that you had to erase from existence and he's the only person you can't lose.
But he only asks for one thing.
You are the child of the TARDIS, after all. You can fly her. She'll show you how, he says.
Save your parents.
Live.
Be well.
It shreds what's left of your heart. Because you were wrong. This men does not deserve to die. He never did. He never would.
Somehow, he's right. You step inside the TARDIS - the TARDIS you shot not a whole hour ago, too - and you know what to do. And how. There's not a voice to teach you, not a written guide to help you, but you know exactly what to do, it's in your mind, and your parents are there, and they hate you a little, and yet they also love you, and you can see both of those things in their frightened eyes.
They love him.
They love you, too, but even though they've known you most of their lives, they don't know you.
Him, they know.
And yet he asks to speak with you, in the end.
"Find River. Tell her... tell her she's forgiven. Always and completely forgiven."
"I'm sure she knows--" And your voice trails off, because he's still. Doesn't breath.
The deed is done, my love...
Instead of relief or freedom, all you feel is terror. What did you do?
And so you have to ask. He didn't forgive you. He forgave River.
"Who is she?"
Amy-mother-Amy asks the robot which still wears her face to show her River.
And then suddenly you are staring in your own face.
Your new face, the one you are still not fully accustomed to wearing. And you know. You understand. All the time he begged River to help him, every time he spoke about her, it was you. Always you.
Always you, and always him.
And you know, too, the you can't let him die. There's no antidote to the poison, but it leaves you whole, this soon after regeneration, even if it was on your lips, too. And so that's what you can give him. Or you can try, you don't know if it will work, but you have to try.
One more kiss.
Once more, the golden light coursing through you, soaking out of you to bring his life back. You know you won't die, if he lives. But if he dies, that will be a loss beyond what the Silence could ever comprehend. Beyond what anyone but you can comprehend.
The rest is silence.
And then sunlight.
Not when your mother was shooting a gun at you, and then panicking.
And yes, you were frightened of him them. You were just a child, of course you were frightened. He was the great warrior, after all. You were only a girl.
That was two lifetimes ago. Two deaths, that is. Once in the cold streets, when you regenerated in an explosion of golden light and changed from the ginger hair that you shared with her into a darker skin and black hair that let you wander further and happier. And one right here, shot by Hitler, of all people. He's a terrible shot, and you still can't believe how absurd that is, the idiot shot right past his target and into your stomach. Watching Rory punch him and then shut him into a cupboard was fun, though. Of course, you knew your father was amazing; your mother's words never left you, even though you were barely hours old when she told you about the last centurion.
And then you watched him grow up, and you know exactly who he is, and it's even better.
But all of that fades as the golden glow tingles through the very essence of you and you have pale skin again and hair which doesn't. end. and he's right there, and this it the time and the place, and you get on with killing him - the play with the guns was fun, but it was only a game. Poison, and a kiss.
And you want to kiss him. There is something about the man who your whole life has been centered on, trained from before you could really understand what was going on to kill, something in the way he moves and the way he looks at you and the way he calls for a woman that you don't know as though she's right there that you can't shake off, despite the excitement of a new city, and not just any city - Berlin at the brink of war, when everything is ready and poised but no death has happened yet - none but what you caused yourself, and that's all right, anyway.
But there is something else. There is that strange thing in the shape of your mother and it is horrifying, all of a sudden, it makes you freeze and suspend in the air, and watch the Doctor try to argue with it even as he's dying, dying, dying because you killed him, poisoned him in a way that deprived him of the possibility to regenerate, and he'll be dead, dead once and for all, just as they intended and it was a bit of a jumble, but the Silence it was, if the robot said so, and as you hang suspended and helpless to speak or move, able only to look, you wonder, just for a moment, if they were right.
And then the doubt grows, because even though he's dying, even though he's dying because you killed him, he's begging your mother to save you, and that is somehow impossible and yet he does it, and Amy does it, and the pain stops, and all he does is beg you not to run. Not for his life, not for anything. He begs you not to run.
So you don't.
You stay and watch.
And you hear your mother beg him for help, and you know his body is failing, but still he tries, he crawls along the floor to save them, your mother and father, and he doesn't give up. You don't understand. Where does he find that will power? Why would the person you were taught is the most frightening creature in existence, the greatest warrior, push with the last breaths in his body to save people. He never raised a hand against anyone, he tried to stop any punishment, anything bad that was about to happen, even if there is no hope for him.
Who is this man?
Who is the woman that he calls on in his darkest, dimmest, painful hour?
But he doesn't tell you about her. He tells you about you.
It is the first time you've talked with him, the first time you've met him other than a brief fleeting glance. And yet he knows you, knows you so deeply and truly that it suddenly hurts. Hurts because there, for the first time your long, long life, there is somebody who knows you for you you are, pays attention to you for who you are, cares for you for you are, not because you're just there, not because you're supposed to do something for him, not because there's a bigger purpose, but because you are you and you exist and you are beautiful to him.
It hurts, because you killed him. He's barely hanging on to life, and he's fading before your eyes, and he's the only person that you had to erase from existence and he's the only person you can't lose.
But he only asks for one thing.
You are the child of the TARDIS, after all. You can fly her. She'll show you how, he says.
Save your parents.
Live.
Be well.
It shreds what's left of your heart. Because you were wrong. This men does not deserve to die. He never did. He never would.
Somehow, he's right. You step inside the TARDIS - the TARDIS you shot not a whole hour ago, too - and you know what to do. And how. There's not a voice to teach you, not a written guide to help you, but you know exactly what to do, it's in your mind, and your parents are there, and they hate you a little, and yet they also love you, and you can see both of those things in their frightened eyes.
They love him.
They love you, too, but even though they've known you most of their lives, they don't know you.
Him, they know.
And yet he asks to speak with you, in the end.
"Find River. Tell her... tell her she's forgiven. Always and completely forgiven."
"I'm sure she knows--" And your voice trails off, because he's still. Doesn't breath.
The deed is done, my love...
Instead of relief or freedom, all you feel is terror. What did you do?
And so you have to ask. He didn't forgive you. He forgave River.
"Who is she?"
Amy-mother-Amy asks the robot which still wears her face to show her River.
And then suddenly you are staring in your own face.
Your new face, the one you are still not fully accustomed to wearing. And you know. You understand. All the time he begged River to help him, every time he spoke about her, it was you. Always you.
Always you, and always him.
And you know, too, the you can't let him die. There's no antidote to the poison, but it leaves you whole, this soon after regeneration, even if it was on your lips, too. And so that's what you can give him. Or you can try, you don't know if it will work, but you have to try.
One more kiss.
Once more, the golden light coursing through you, soaking out of you to bring his life back. You know you won't die, if he lives. But if he dies, that will be a loss beyond what the Silence could ever comprehend. Beyond what anyone but you can comprehend.
The rest is silence.
And then sunlight.