(no subject)
soooo i'm in a huge funk, because pretty much nothing is right.
i don't actually earn enough to pay my bills because i work part time. while work had suggested that i'd have more hours after a couple of months, it has turned out that funding has been reduced, and said hours are not available.
thus, i have been borrowing money from my parents for the past couple of months, however my mom made it clear last night, that it wasn't
going to be available anymore (dad's not working). i currently bring home about $500 less per month than what is needed to pay my bills, not including food and gas. with that, it's even more that i'm out. i've gone nearly every route to reduce my bills. i don't go out to eat, get my hair done, buy drinks, or anything else anymore. cancelled my gym membership, had all of the fun stuff taken off my cable/internet [basic cable and internet, which is now only $30 for each of us], and buy only the minimum of groceries needed. the only real "fun" thing i have is a cell phone, however we don't have a house phone.
i've been doing rather extensive job search activities, seeking full time employment, and it's just not working out well.
basically i've been looking for anything for which i'd be qualified, even if it's not my field.
the worst was that i had a job opportunity sent my way, with references, however before an interview was even set up, they offered
the job to someone else. so that was like a HUGE up, and then a huge downer, that just sent me into a complete nervous shock thing.
i also had a huge health scare, and had to go through a bunch of tests to have it cleared up. naturally, i don't have insurance. my doctor was so generous, and cut my bill significantly, but i still can't afford it. i'm really happy it's cleared up. that was really positive.
needless to say, i've been incredibly anti-social lately. it's tough being around people when it feels like there's nothing
positive to talk about. additionally, my energy is just completely sucked out, so even though i'm antsy and want to go do things,
i can't actually get out of bed or off of the sofa long enough to shower and get dressed most of the time. i'm having a hard time paying attention on the phone, because i really can't stand listening to anyone else. my roommate moved out last week, and the house is completely empty lately, so it only adds to the effect. my boyfriend and parents have been supportive, as were the friends that knew about the health issue, however i'm not willing to just dump all of this on everyone, so i've been trying to pretend things are okay. my family have like a 2-week tolerance for problems, because by then they're supposed to be figured out. my boyfriend has been great, but i have this underlying fear that he'll bail if it's not better soon [it's happened with another boyfriend]. and i'm not up for scaring off my friends by being a total downer all of the time.
so, i don't know. i feel incredibly hopeless [not suicidal, everyone stop worrying]. usually i can get all pouty, but i always know there's a way out. now, i feel like there's nothing to be done, and no logical, legal way for it to get better. none of it sounds all that big on the surface, but i'm so unhappy right now i don't even know how to handle it. i thought this shit went away after 24!
i don't actually earn enough to pay my bills because i work part time. while work had suggested that i'd have more hours after a couple of months, it has turned out that funding has been reduced, and said hours are not available.
thus, i have been borrowing money from my parents for the past couple of months, however my mom made it clear last night, that it wasn't
going to be available anymore (dad's not working). i currently bring home about $500 less per month than what is needed to pay my bills, not including food and gas. with that, it's even more that i'm out. i've gone nearly every route to reduce my bills. i don't go out to eat, get my hair done, buy drinks, or anything else anymore. cancelled my gym membership, had all of the fun stuff taken off my cable/internet [basic cable and internet, which is now only $30 for each of us], and buy only the minimum of groceries needed. the only real "fun" thing i have is a cell phone, however we don't have a house phone.
i've been doing rather extensive job search activities, seeking full time employment, and it's just not working out well.
basically i've been looking for anything for which i'd be qualified, even if it's not my field.
the worst was that i had a job opportunity sent my way, with references, however before an interview was even set up, they offered
the job to someone else. so that was like a HUGE up, and then a huge downer, that just sent me into a complete nervous shock thing.
i also had a huge health scare, and had to go through a bunch of tests to have it cleared up. naturally, i don't have insurance. my doctor was so generous, and cut my bill significantly, but i still can't afford it. i'm really happy it's cleared up. that was really positive.
needless to say, i've been incredibly anti-social lately. it's tough being around people when it feels like there's nothing
positive to talk about. additionally, my energy is just completely sucked out, so even though i'm antsy and want to go do things,
i can't actually get out of bed or off of the sofa long enough to shower and get dressed most of the time. i'm having a hard time paying attention on the phone, because i really can't stand listening to anyone else. my roommate moved out last week, and the house is completely empty lately, so it only adds to the effect. my boyfriend and parents have been supportive, as were the friends that knew about the health issue, however i'm not willing to just dump all of this on everyone, so i've been trying to pretend things are okay. my family have like a 2-week tolerance for problems, because by then they're supposed to be figured out. my boyfriend has been great, but i have this underlying fear that he'll bail if it's not better soon [it's happened with another boyfriend]. and i'm not up for scaring off my friends by being a total downer all of the time.
so, i don't know. i feel incredibly hopeless [not suicidal, everyone stop worrying]. usually i can get all pouty, but i always know there's a way out. now, i feel like there's nothing to be done, and no logical, legal way for it to get better. none of it sounds all that big on the surface, but i'm so unhappy right now i don't even know how to handle it. i thought this shit went away after 24!