(no subject)
I sometimes feel like I'm counting the days before they run out. In an odd way, it feels like I'm dying. I have thoughts which I am, frankly, not proud of. I dismiss them as the trivial and childish whims of a troubled mind. Countless times I've done this. And, every time, it gets harder.
I'm scared that, if I don't change things dramatically, I will eventually lose the strength needed. And, I'd become something that I hate: weak.
Right. I needed to get that off my chest.
I go through cycles. I feel very good, and suddenly very bad. And, it is the cycle itself that takes the heaviest toll on me. When I fall, I stay down for awhile. I just sit, and think to myself, "Why did I let myself fall?" And, when I stand back up, I know I'm just going to fall again. It exhausts me. As if I'm fighting some losing war. And, each time, standing back up gets harder, and harder.
I need some consistency in my life. Something solid to stand on. I have, in the past, used other people for this purpose. And, I cannot apologize enough for that. I used my closest friends as tools. Something to boost me when I'm down, compliment me to keep me afloat, etc. At least I managed to stop doing that.
I think, for my next try, I'm going to find solid ground in religion. I mean, I've been going to church, wearing a cross, and pondering the scriptures. But, I have avoided the lifestyle. I'll have to see where this path leads me.
--
So. Friday Night at MTAC I was very drunk. Far more drunk than I have ever been. And, on top of that, someone handed me a bottle of Cream Soda. I thought to myself, "OH! Cream Soda! Delicious!" I chugged several gulps.
It was vodka.
About five minutes later, I collapsed. And, five really good friends and four strangers spent several hours carrying my limp, unconscious body around the hotel, avoiding the police. It was apparently "epic." All I remember is my eyes fluttering open, the cold feel of porcelain against my cheek, as a very, very large friend screamed in a drunken metal voice: "IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, MAN. WE'RE GOOD, MAN. IT'S OKAY, MAN. WE GOT THIS SHIT. THIS SHIT? YEAH, WE GOT IT."
I woke up at 8:30 feeling great -- seriously, felt wonderful. I then fell back asleep until 2.
I've got some damned good friends, though, if they're willing to spend several hours hauling my ass around, keeping me safe.
--
Only one thing left on my mind. There are several people on my friends' list that I've fallen out of contact with. I don't know why, to be honest. I can't deny that some considerable distance has formed between us. But, I want to fix this.