The Story of Me (some of the journey)
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own Matthew 6:33-34
Well I guess when I begin my testimony I think the most personal and intimate thing I can start with is I was abused sexually as a child. I was incredibly young and it went on for quite a while. This made growing up incredibly difficult when I was struggling through childhood trying to find myself.
I have always felt like I was ahead in where I fit in life. I felt ahead of things in terms of the world. It felt like I was born too early. Theres a crazy story as to why I would feel that way, but it is for another time.
I was the quiet kid in class for years. I was the fat kid you never talked to unless you wanted to make a joke. I began to create this world of me I was lost in nothing. I guess it was at that age I began to get wrapped up in the world of oblivious. I emersed myself in creativity and dreams of who i would become... planning to be who I am now still trying to become in terms of career. I was teased and made fun of, and then I began to grow callous and put up a front that said I dont care and my soft and sweet heart began to grow hard.
Fast forward a little bit and I grew up. I grew up going to church on Sundays in the Catholic church (all the smells and bells as they put it) and around 10 years old I began to go through rebellion, like hard core. I did not want to go to church, but it was what you did so I was forced to go as a goof young catholic boy who at the time hated being seen and was scared to death of the statues. I ended up never going to church, instead I opted to go to the nursery and help with the babies. There I met this great girl who taught me the wonderful world of comic books X-MEN! I found myself in these characters I could get lost in the stories and the history it was incredible.
Around 12 my dad felt I was not going to church so there was no point in us going to the Catholic Church I didnt like it. He had heard that there was a non-denominational church that was opening its doors. So we went. At this church the Lord pursued me full force. I went in this rebellious 12 year old who put on this hate the world front and somewhere along the way the Lord changed me into the man I am today. Through the Love and prayers of so many I couldnt help but change God began to peel away the layers I created. This kid who did everything they told him not to, became a leader in church. God began to get the core of who I was. It was a process that took a lot of time and experience. However eventually I changed. I became the young man I was meant to be. God made a change overnight. Somewhere along the way the layers were gone and I found myself smiling and having a cloud of witnesses to surround me. I had friends and the fat kid became the popular kid who everyone wanted to know. I was funny and I was crazy, but all that seemed to be a front as well. I was still searching for me.
I went on a mission trip to Mexico the summer before I went to 9th grade and that was where I was baptized at South Padre Island and I found more of who I was. I finally was healed of the pain and hurt of a childhood that was difficult in some ways. The Lord repaired me and I was new. I felt it. This is the moment I can look back to and know that I am blessed. I can know I am new. Worship from that point on changed for me. I no longer was a spectator of these people with smiles and trying to be like them I was one. I was in the cloud of witnesses. I was truly a child of God. Wow ya know?
Now fast forward through some more years and I have grown. I began to struggle with my sexuality full force. It was not until college that I let out this secret I held for so long. Through all of these pains and hurts one thing was constant. The fact that I did not desire girls at all I tried I tried hard. I thought that with the water and the baptism that the feelings might just magically leave. I went to alter calls and tried to get it out, but nothing ever worked. I thought it was me not wanting it enough and not giving myself over to God enough. I still felt like a bit of an outcast.
I was the on that was friends with everyone, but you always forgot to invite. The one who was totally welcome, but if he wasnt there he was not missed. I had friends on all levels of the social scale. I was Mr. nice guy. The one you would be glad to see. But who occasionally just didnt ft. In my search for myself, I put on some many masks I was who you wanted me to be and who you needed me to be. I became a HUGE people pleaser. I began to loose myself again.
When I go to college I choose to deal with the gay issue in my life. I choose to no longer hide it. I wanted to be healed I wanted to grow into the man that I was suppose to be the man who had the whole 9, the man who had the dog, the kids, the picket fence, and the job in ministry. I saw it, and I felt it was attainable. I joined a group of X-gay strugglers support group and it was hard. I felt like I was hiding something there and like something was just not right. But I went along for the ride. I had crushes on girls, but I always felt that they could only get 80f who I was. I felt that there was this 20hat I could not change. But tried. I dreamed of the day that it would leave. The day that the gay would be prayed out of me. I wondered if I believed enough it would change. Almost like what I would think a young black girl would think in the 60s. WOW I never thought of that.
Anyway, fast forward some more and I am moving in with 2 of my best friends from college (a Christian school none the less) The moment they came to my door I felt something was about to happen in my life. Oddly enough I was watching a documentary on MTV about gay teens in small towns and sex. It was crazy. I answer the door and noticed 2 things, ..1 the girl had cut her hair, and ..2 the guy was guy. I just saw it written all over him.
The meeting was like a door opening to the world of becoming who I am. We submersed ourselves into what seemed to be the gay world Through deductive reasoning I found out that my best friend was being a lesion into the gay community. Eventually that led to MCC on WED nights. This was all new to me. I began to see a world where God was answering the prayers of these gay people. I was so confused because He wasnt supposed to do that. He was only supposed to do that for HIS children. And they were not that. They were GAY. Fast-forward some more through nights of crying over where I was in life and who I was becoming and being hurt and lost.
I became lost in who I was. I no longer knew. I was confused and once my best friends and I left the apt to go our separate ways things changed. I began to see myself wearing masks. To the people at my home church I was a man with a struggle but was going to be free. To the MCC I would just let them not know that I had this struggle, as far as they knew I was gay and ok with it. To my home I was quiet and never said more than 2 words. Eventually the Lord led me to San Antonio away from what was influencing me. I could just find myself. It was time and a direct answer to prayer.
I had been praying for the Lord to lead me to where he wanted me. I wanted to be who he wanted me to be. I wanted to see the real Jesus. I wanted to be who he wanted me to be, regardless. If that was living in the X-gay world, then I wanted him to just slap me in the face with X-gays that were successful, an abundance of them. If it was the gay world then I wanted not just Christians I wanted true disciples of Christ. People who long for him and his glory. I finally found it... IN Austin TEXAS
Long story made short the Lord sent me to Austin and I found it here I am now who I have longed to be. The Lord has given me a passion for the city and especially the gay community here. I long to see the day when young people (specifically college students) are worshiping the Lord with all their hearts in every way... passionatly without abandon (in every aspect of the word, biblicly and so much more, artistically and musically). I long to see the day when gay or straight men and women are praising and worshiping with an extravigant wedding. And It will happen. I am a work in progress, but things are finally starting to work. I no longer feel like I am in a circular white room filled with doors where the door person says Im sorry this is not your time I am finally going after what I want in the world. I feel the Lord is leading me to where He wants me and That is incredible. What a journey of faith.. I am climbing my mountain to be who I want to be, who I long to be, who the Lord wants me to be. He sees me as whole and so I see myself as whole and in that wholeness I see the growth, and I cannot wait to see what is next. The Lord has me on a journey that I love. There is so much more that has made me who I am today, but this is the bulk of it. So If you read it thank you and be blessed.
Well I guess when I begin my testimony I think the most personal and intimate thing I can start with is I was abused sexually as a child. I was incredibly young and it went on for quite a while. This made growing up incredibly difficult when I was struggling through childhood trying to find myself.
I have always felt like I was ahead in where I fit in life. I felt ahead of things in terms of the world. It felt like I was born too early. Theres a crazy story as to why I would feel that way, but it is for another time.
I was the quiet kid in class for years. I was the fat kid you never talked to unless you wanted to make a joke. I began to create this world of me I was lost in nothing. I guess it was at that age I began to get wrapped up in the world of oblivious. I emersed myself in creativity and dreams of who i would become... planning to be who I am now still trying to become in terms of career. I was teased and made fun of, and then I began to grow callous and put up a front that said I dont care and my soft and sweet heart began to grow hard.
Fast forward a little bit and I grew up. I grew up going to church on Sundays in the Catholic church (all the smells and bells as they put it) and around 10 years old I began to go through rebellion, like hard core. I did not want to go to church, but it was what you did so I was forced to go as a goof young catholic boy who at the time hated being seen and was scared to death of the statues. I ended up never going to church, instead I opted to go to the nursery and help with the babies. There I met this great girl who taught me the wonderful world of comic books X-MEN! I found myself in these characters I could get lost in the stories and the history it was incredible.
Around 12 my dad felt I was not going to church so there was no point in us going to the Catholic Church I didnt like it. He had heard that there was a non-denominational church that was opening its doors. So we went. At this church the Lord pursued me full force. I went in this rebellious 12 year old who put on this hate the world front and somewhere along the way the Lord changed me into the man I am today. Through the Love and prayers of so many I couldnt help but change God began to peel away the layers I created. This kid who did everything they told him not to, became a leader in church. God began to get the core of who I was. It was a process that took a lot of time and experience. However eventually I changed. I became the young man I was meant to be. God made a change overnight. Somewhere along the way the layers were gone and I found myself smiling and having a cloud of witnesses to surround me. I had friends and the fat kid became the popular kid who everyone wanted to know. I was funny and I was crazy, but all that seemed to be a front as well. I was still searching for me.
I went on a mission trip to Mexico the summer before I went to 9th grade and that was where I was baptized at South Padre Island and I found more of who I was. I finally was healed of the pain and hurt of a childhood that was difficult in some ways. The Lord repaired me and I was new. I felt it. This is the moment I can look back to and know that I am blessed. I can know I am new. Worship from that point on changed for me. I no longer was a spectator of these people with smiles and trying to be like them I was one. I was in the cloud of witnesses. I was truly a child of God. Wow ya know?
Now fast forward through some more years and I have grown. I began to struggle with my sexuality full force. It was not until college that I let out this secret I held for so long. Through all of these pains and hurts one thing was constant. The fact that I did not desire girls at all I tried I tried hard. I thought that with the water and the baptism that the feelings might just magically leave. I went to alter calls and tried to get it out, but nothing ever worked. I thought it was me not wanting it enough and not giving myself over to God enough. I still felt like a bit of an outcast.
I was the on that was friends with everyone, but you always forgot to invite. The one who was totally welcome, but if he wasnt there he was not missed. I had friends on all levels of the social scale. I was Mr. nice guy. The one you would be glad to see. But who occasionally just didnt ft. In my search for myself, I put on some many masks I was who you wanted me to be and who you needed me to be. I became a HUGE people pleaser. I began to loose myself again.
When I go to college I choose to deal with the gay issue in my life. I choose to no longer hide it. I wanted to be healed I wanted to grow into the man that I was suppose to be the man who had the whole 9, the man who had the dog, the kids, the picket fence, and the job in ministry. I saw it, and I felt it was attainable. I joined a group of X-gay strugglers support group and it was hard. I felt like I was hiding something there and like something was just not right. But I went along for the ride. I had crushes on girls, but I always felt that they could only get 80f who I was. I felt that there was this 20hat I could not change. But tried. I dreamed of the day that it would leave. The day that the gay would be prayed out of me. I wondered if I believed enough it would change. Almost like what I would think a young black girl would think in the 60s. WOW I never thought of that.
Anyway, fast forward some more and I am moving in with 2 of my best friends from college (a Christian school none the less) The moment they came to my door I felt something was about to happen in my life. Oddly enough I was watching a documentary on MTV about gay teens in small towns and sex. It was crazy. I answer the door and noticed 2 things, ..1 the girl had cut her hair, and ..2 the guy was guy. I just saw it written all over him.
The meeting was like a door opening to the world of becoming who I am. We submersed ourselves into what seemed to be the gay world Through deductive reasoning I found out that my best friend was being a lesion into the gay community. Eventually that led to MCC on WED nights. This was all new to me. I began to see a world where God was answering the prayers of these gay people. I was so confused because He wasnt supposed to do that. He was only supposed to do that for HIS children. And they were not that. They were GAY. Fast-forward some more through nights of crying over where I was in life and who I was becoming and being hurt and lost.
I became lost in who I was. I no longer knew. I was confused and once my best friends and I left the apt to go our separate ways things changed. I began to see myself wearing masks. To the people at my home church I was a man with a struggle but was going to be free. To the MCC I would just let them not know that I had this struggle, as far as they knew I was gay and ok with it. To my home I was quiet and never said more than 2 words. Eventually the Lord led me to San Antonio away from what was influencing me. I could just find myself. It was time and a direct answer to prayer.
I had been praying for the Lord to lead me to where he wanted me. I wanted to be who he wanted me to be. I wanted to see the real Jesus. I wanted to be who he wanted me to be, regardless. If that was living in the X-gay world, then I wanted him to just slap me in the face with X-gays that were successful, an abundance of them. If it was the gay world then I wanted not just Christians I wanted true disciples of Christ. People who long for him and his glory. I finally found it... IN Austin TEXAS
Long story made short the Lord sent me to Austin and I found it here I am now who I have longed to be. The Lord has given me a passion for the city and especially the gay community here. I long to see the day when young people (specifically college students) are worshiping the Lord with all their hearts in every way... passionatly without abandon (in every aspect of the word, biblicly and so much more, artistically and musically). I long to see the day when gay or straight men and women are praising and worshiping with an extravigant wedding. And It will happen. I am a work in progress, but things are finally starting to work. I no longer feel like I am in a circular white room filled with doors where the door person says Im sorry this is not your time I am finally going after what I want in the world. I feel the Lord is leading me to where He wants me and That is incredible. What a journey of faith.. I am climbing my mountain to be who I want to be, who I long to be, who the Lord wants me to be. He sees me as whole and so I see myself as whole and in that wholeness I see the growth, and I cannot wait to see what is next. The Lord has me on a journey that I love. There is so much more that has made me who I am today, but this is the bulk of it. So If you read it thank you and be blessed.