Fic: Koinonia - Part Seven

Oct 26, 2011 13:24

Title: Koinonia
Author: PABWECG (aka Patricia)
Beta: msLUREdin
Artist: sripley
Rating: Up to NC-17
Word Count: 58,071



Summary: Luke is in Oakdale (ATWT canon, fall 2008) and Reid is in Dallas. Both of them are living their lives day to day, but each feels there's is something missing from their life. After a time they meet in Haiti doing different types of volunteer work post-earthquake. Their lives are irrevocably changed by the situation in Haiti and by their connection to each other. Meanwhile, Luke is engaged to Noah when he meets Reid...but will this change both their plans for the future?

A/N: I can’t say thank enough to msLUREdin for her wonderful and supportive beta work. She kept me going with all her encouraging comments and lavish praise, and her patience in reading this monster. THANK YOU, my dear!! Also, BIG thanks to sripley for her gorgeous artwork and her help with my posting questions! And finally, thank you to traciamc for pulling all this together and for being SO patient with me!

Koinonia - community, communion, joint participation, sharing and intimacy.

Chapter 28 (Mid-July)

Luke was feeling a lot better. He was feeling closer to Noah than he had in…years, really. They were spending time together like they hadn’t in so long. Luke continued to tell him stories about his time in Haiti, and he listened to Noah’s excitement about his film debut. Noah supported his ideas for the foundation and DWB, and they also talked about his plans for L.A. in the fall.

They took walks together, shared new meals together, saw some films. It had been a pretty wonderful two weeks; it had reminded Luke of those magical times in the past, when they’d reunited again after a break-up. All was sunshine and rainbows and there were always certain things they would never discuss, like Ameera, or Luke’s drinking, or Noah’s father, etc. This time it was Reid and Mason that didn’t get discussed.

But still, Luke was happier and more hopeful about his relationship with Noah. And while they didn’t talk about the kiss and the almost-kiss, they did talk about how far apart they’d both felt, and that led to a good, hard conversation about past times when they’d been apart. Luke acknowledged his mistakes - drinking in order to cope, jealousy of Maddie, cheating on the election; and Noah, for the first time, admitted his one, big, many-times-repeated mistake - pushing Luke away. That was huge and difficult for them both. But having it out in the open, and acknowledged by both of them, somehow made things easier.

And Luke, for the first time in many months, began to believe that maybe it would work out. Maybe now that they had spoken these things, and even more once they were actually married, maybe they really would never be apart again. Maybe Luke really wouldn’t feel the need to drink, or lie, or manipulate; and maybe Noah really wouldn’t judge Luke and then run away from him, from them. Maybe they’d finally turned a corner in their relationship.

And Reid? He still thought about Reid, still missed him. And that bothered him. He tried not to think about him too much, but also tried not to force himself to forget. He told himself that his time with Reid had been like a time-out-of-time, something that simply didn’t, or couldn’t, exist in his real world. He couldn’t walk away from three years with Noah for the possibility of something with a man he’d only known for three months - a man in Dallas, a man who didn’t do boyfriends. It had been unreal, their time together; and if he tried to cling to it, to bring it back, to bring into the real world, it…it probably would all crumble, he told himself. It would fall apart, just like fairy tales always do in the real world.

He was sitting on a bench, in his shorts and t-shirt, in the park in the center of town, and he had a journal with him. A new journal; one he’d purchased after he and Noah had had their first good talk. He’d been sketching some more, something he’d really never done before Haiti. And he’d been writing - poetry mostly. He’d never written much poetry before either. But there was something about the way the words didn’t have to make logical sense, the way they could just flow from the heart, however they came - he needed that right now.

“Luke?”

He looked up and saw Noah standing beside him. “Hi,” he said to Noah. “How’d your meeting go?”

“Good. Mason says it’s ready to go.”

Luke swallowed.

“I know you don’t like me spending time with him, Luke but…” Noah sat down beside him and put his arm around him. “Soon…just three weeks ‘till the wedding, and then the premiere the week after and then…” he smiled at Luke. “We can leave all this behind…Mason, I mean…and all our troubles.” Noah kissed him. “Because when we move to L.A., I promise you, all our troubles stay behind.”

Luke laughed. “I hope you’re right.”

“I am,” Noah said. “Well, not because I’m always right, or anything…”

“I know, Noah.” Luke smiled at him with genuine affection.

“I just…when we talked it all out, Luke…we took control of everything…Mason, my jealousy about Reid, our mistakes. So now the future is in our hands, Luke…if we want it to be good, we just have to make it happen.”

He nodded, hoping Noah was right.

There are some things we can choose, Luke…but not love. We have no control over that. He could see Anne Marie sitting in front of him, at the clinic, plain as day. Her voice was crystal clear. Don’t try to put your heart in a box, because it won’t stay.

“Luke?”

“Huh?” He shook his head, remembering where he was. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay. Where were you?”

“Um…I was just…”

“Remembering something?” Noah asked.

“Yeah.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No…that’s okay.” Luke said.

“Alright, well…hey, you wanna go get some lunch…a nice slow one, no hurry?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Chapter 29 (A week later)

“Have I lost my mind, Alex?”

Dr. Riveras looked back at him with a chuckle. “Years ago, why?”

Reid shook his head. “This move. If I hadn’t met Dr. Hughes at that conference, I’d never consider something like this.”

“Even being able to design and run this new wing?”

“Well maybe…yeah, that is tempting. But it’s Dr. Hughes that’s the clincher, and it’s all just instinct.”

“Like your decision to go to Haiti.”

“Exactly.” He sighed. “And look what that got me into.”

“Would you change it if you could?” Alex asked, looking at him. “Make it so you never went, never met Luke?” he added knowingly.

Reid felt his heart swell, and then clench. “No.”

“Hey, it won’t always hurt this much.” He looked at Reid. “You almost got everything wrapped up here?”

Reid nodded. “Paulson and the others have taken over most of my cases; there are a few patients who are coming to Oakdale, but…yeah, just tying up loose ends at this point.”

“It’s gonna be alright, Reid. You’ve got good instincts. This is probably a good move.”

Reid smiled a tight-lipped smile and sighed.

Chapter 30 (A week later - late July)

Luke’s had his address for a long time now; it was one of the first things he’d done after he returned home. Not his home address - Luke hadn’t been able to go that far - but he knew which hospital he was at. The address was in his journal, his other journal, his Haitian journal - the one he didn’t use anymore, because it contained too many things he was trying to forget; he kept it in the bag that Anne Marie had given him, along with the small carved dove on its cord.

The bag sat on the coffee table in front of him, and Luke watched it sit there. He could hear the voices inside the bag calling to him. Luke, they said. We miss you. Open us up. There are treasures in here. Luke knew; he knew there were treasures. The pull to dive in, to transport himself back to that time and place, was so strong - like the need to drink.

“But when I drink, I feel bad,” He clarified aloud. “This will feel good, I know it will.”

But then you won’t want to close it; you’ll want to re-read those pages and add words. You’ll look at those sketches and you’ll remember Jean Luc’s smile and his laughter. You’ll want to pull out that dove and put its cord around your neck once more.

He stood and walked to the other side of the room, turning around and looking at the bag from a distance, eyeing it warily; but the temptation was strong and a small smile was starting to form on his lips. He walked to the table, lifted the bag, pulled out just the journal, and set the bag back down. Turning the pages slowly - memories coming to him, flooding him with happiness - he bit his lip as tears began to well up in his eyes.

He quietly asked himself. “Why am trying to stop myself from being happy?”

He turned to the page where he knew Reid’s address was, and setting down the journal and fetching some stationary, he began to write.

Dear Reid,

I probably shouldn’t be writing this, and I’m honestly not sure what I’m going to say. I’ve almost written you - many times - these last weeks, but what could I say? Could I say that I love you and I love him, but I’m marrying him? Could I write and say I’m confused?

Noah and I have such a complicated history. We’ve fought, and broken up, and gotten back together more than once. We’ve gone through kidnappings, and paralysis, and my drinking, and other…well, tough times. And somehow we always end up together again.

I don’t know that I’m happy though - I guess I don’t sound very happy, do I? I was happy in Port-au-Prince…and when I think about being there, and about my time with you, I’m flooded with happiness.

But was it real, Reid? Or was it this magical, fairytale type of happiness that doesn’t exist in the real world?

I wish I could know that it was real, that that kind of happiness could really survive the real world. I wish I could know anything for sure about you and me. But it felt so fleeting, so quick, and so too-good-to-be-true…how could it last? Noah and I, we may not be really happy, but we’ve lasted. Through all the ups and downs, we’ve ended up together.

God Reid, I sound like I’m settling, settling for the known because I’m too scared to take the chance on something else, something that - if only for a brief time - made me happier.

Reid, I am scared. So much about you - about us - is unknown. How do you feel about me now? Was it just a fleeting, if wonderful, encounter for you? Have you moved on?

You don’t do boyfriends, you said. But then you’d look at me that way, and you’d hold my hand, and I felt like…I felt like more than your boyfriend, Reid.

But time has gone on. It’s been eleven weeks since I last saw you. I’m sure you still care, but what else do you feel, Reid? Have you moved on? Are you able to take what we had and put it away in a keepsake box - only a memory to be cherished?

And I do cherish what we had, Reid, and if that’s all I can ever have with you, I will cherish it until the day I die, but…

Reid, my wedding is in ten day. And even though I was happier, or I experienced a different kind of joy, no that’s not it, Reid… it still breaks my heart to think of not being with you. It does, but even so, I’m going to give it a go with Noah. It may not be happiness, but it is a happy of a sort - there’s a sense of knowing that is comforting.

But Reid, if you…I don’t know, if some part of you thinks, or feels…well, if you decide you do do boyfriends…God, that’s not it. If you miss me, if you still feel what you felt, and if you think you might want to…well, you know. Here’s my phone number.

Reid, I love you. And no matter what you decide, or do, I’ll never regret or forget the time we had together.

Luke

He folded the letter - wondering for a moment if he should have written the part about it still breaking his heart to not be with him; then he shook his head, put the letter in the envelope, addressed and stamped it. He reached into the bottom of his bag and slowly pulled out the dove. Dangling it in front of himself, he looked at it and heard Reid’s voice - for you, the peacemaker. And he put it over his head, breathing more deeply and freely as he felt it rest lightly against his collarbone.

Then he stood, feeling more confident and determined not to back away from this. He grabbed his helmet on the way out the door, went down the steps and straddled his bicycle, and rode to town. Once there he stopped in front of the mailbox, pulled the letter out of his pocket, and glanced at it with an inhale; he put it in the box and closed the door, hearing it slip softly in on top of the other mail.

Then he exhaled. “Ball’s in your court now, Reid.”

Chapter 31 (six days later)

Reid pulled off at a rest area, and stopped at a fuel pump. He swiped his card and filled his tank, parking and locking his car before heading into the building to get some snacks. He was in southern Illinois, and was eager to keep going. He’d driven six hours yesterday evening and had to stay at a motel; he’d rather not do that again tonight.

He picked out a couple of those terrible, delicious pies, some soda, and an apple for good measure. As he waited in line, his phone rang; he pulled it out and looked at, recognizing Alex’s number.

“Dr. Riveras, how are you?” he said.

“Reid, all this politeness is giving me the creeps.”

“Sorry…Haiti ruined me.”

“And small town America is only going to make things worse.”

Reid laughed into his phone, stepping forward as the line got shorter.

“Where are you?”

“I’m in…” he looked around the building for a hint. “Um, Franklin County…Illinois, that is.”

“Makin’ good time.”

“Yup. So, what do you need?”

“Oh, nothing. Just wanted to forward on some mail to you. Do you have an address?”

“Yeah, but…it’s temporary. Listen, why don’t you send it to the hospital.”

“Okay.”

“You got their address?”

“I do.” Alex said. “Well, that’s all. Drive carefully.”

“Yes, Mother.” Reid responded.

Riveras laughed. “Alright, see ya.”

And Reid hung up with a slight smile.

Chapter 32 (the next day)

Luke sat at Java waiting for Noah, his hands tracing the contours of the cows horn dove. It had been a week since he’d mailed the letter, and Reid hadn’t responded. What did that mean? Was Reid thinking about it? Of course, how could I expect him to respond without taking time to consider? Was he smiling fondly at the letter and then tucking it away as a memento? Had it gotten lost in the mail? Luke put his chin in his hands. God, what if it got lost in the mail. I should have called instead.

He folded his hands together on the table and felt the gold ring on his finger. God, what am I doing? Three days until the wedding, Luke. Three days. He could feel the panic begin to rise up inside of him, and at the same time, guilt. Guilt for having written the letter, for not telling Noah about any of this. And then as his mind drifted back to wondering if Reid had gotten the letter, to why he hadn’t called, and to what that might mean, he was flooded with new waves of guilt and panic.

“Sorry I’m late.” Noah said.

Luke looked up, and smiled. “Oh, that’s okay. I’m not in a hurry.”

“Did you order?”

“Yeah,” Luke said, looking at Noah, feeling guilty about lying to him. But if Reid never called, there’d be nothing to tell, so…so why hurt Noah unnecessarily?

“When did you get that?” Noah asked, bringing him out of his thoughts again.

“What?”

“The necklace.”

Luke realized that he was caressing it again. “Oh, in Haiti…it’s carved of cows horn.”

Noah nodded. “You’ve been wearing it all week…but I hadn’t noticed it before.”

“Yeah well…I just…um, got it out last week.”

“It’s a dove…for peace?”

“Yes…yes, that’s right.”

“Peacemaker, that’s you.” Noah said.

Luke raised his eyebrows at hearing Noah practically echo Reid’s words.

“Well, think about it.” Noah said. “Every we time we broke up, or every time we fought, it was always you that came to me…to seek reconciliation. I was too stubborn, remember? But you…you couldn’t stand the…the lack of peace.” He looked at Luke with admiration. “Even when I was married to Ameera, and we had to pretend not to be together, you were a peacemaker for her as well.”

Luke silently nodded.

“Did you buy it because it reminded you of peace in Haiti? Or wishing for peace in Haiti?”

“Um, I didn’t…buy it.”

“What do you mean?” Noah asked. “Did you carve it?”

“No, I’m not that good.” He laughed quietly. “It was…given to me…it was a gift.”

Noah waited.

“Reid…gave it to me.”

Oh,” Noah nodded in an exaggerated ‘I’m so okay with that’ kind of way. Luke could read his thoughts however. Why is he wearing it now? What does it mean? Why did he give it to him? I’m not going to get into it. “That’s nice,” Noah settled on.

“Yeah, um.” Luke’s eyes darted around, not meeting Noah’s. “Yeah, it…was. I’m not sure why, I just…” he babbled and fibbed. “I like it.” He stated, meeting Noah’s gaze. “And it is me, like you said.”

Noah nodded with a closed lip smile. “Good,” he said. “Oh look, our food’s here.”

“Thank God.” Luke breathed, and Noah looked his way. “I’m really hungry,” he explained.

Again Noah nodded.

“Speaking of hungry, my parents would like to have us out to dinner at the farm; would that be okay? Tonight, I mean.”

“Sure.” Noah replied. “Sounds good.”

That Evening

Reid sat in his new office, wondering if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. Memorial was one-tenth the size of his former place of employment, and all the staff he had met today had smiled at him like halfwits - well, they’d smiled at him, and that alone always made him feel like he’d made a mistake.

Then he reminded himself that that was one of the reasons for this decision; he didn’t want anonymity anymore. He wanted - as painful as it could be - to get to know his patients and his fellow staff members. He had chosen this. Luke had taught him that this was a good thing - getting to know people - that it wasn’t as scary or useless as he’d always assumed, and was still obviously tempted to believe. And while he couldn’t have Luke, he could carry with him the things he’d learned during their time together. But thinking too much about Luke was definitely not a helpful thing right now; he needed to hold himself together. He shook his head and got up, beginning to unpack some of the boxes that arrived several days before him.

There was a knock on his door.

“Yeah?” he responded.

Bob came in the room. “Dr. Oliver…” he nodded at Reid. “My wife and I were wondering if we could take you out to dinner, before you head over to Ms. Walsh’s place to settle in.”

Reid thought that was a terrible idea - hanging out with people. Oh yeah, getting to know people, I was going to try that. “Well,” he looked around the room at all the unpacked boxes. “Perhaps I should…”

“Ah,” Dr. Hughes waved a hand. “Leave that for tomorrow. You won’t have any patients to see until the day after. We could show you the town.”

Reid raised a doubtful eyebrow.

“Well, what there is of it, anyway. I think you’ll like it.” He said cheerfully.

Reid doubted that. “Well, alright. If you insist.”

Bob winked at him. “See you in say…fifteen?”

Reid nodded and Bob left the room. Then Reid sighed and smiled in spite of himself; his instincts had been right, as crazy as it seemed, he liked Bob…and trusted him. He unpacked just a few more things. And then before he turned the door handle, his hand snuck into his pocket and caressed the rope bracelet that had found its home there.

“And that’s the town.”

“Wow, that was exhausting, Bob. That tour must have taken a full…five minutes.”

Dr. Hughes laughed. “Well, now you know where everything is, how to find things.”

“That I do.” He nodded at the older man. “Thank you…for dinner.” And then he turned to Kim. “It was very nice to meet you.”

“And you,” she said, smiling knowingly as him. “I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of each other.”

“In this town? We’ll probably run into each other every other day.” Reid tried not to roll his eyes.

“You're all set at the cottage?” Bob asked him.

“Yup. Dropped my stuff off earlier. Everything seemed in order.”

“Alright then. Have a good night, Dr. Oliver.”

And Reid watched as he and his wife walked away arm in arm.

He stood in the center of town looking around; then he looked upward towards the sky. “My God, you can actually see some stars,” he said quietly to himself. “I haven’t been able to see stars since…” he sighed. “Since Haiti.”

God, the difference between Dallas and Port-au-Prince; it had been like going from one extreme to the other and then back again. “Here’s to hoping that Oakdale is somewhere in between those extremes.” A place that moved at a more humane pace, and with a more humane touch then Dallas, but without all the tragedy and lack of basic anything of Port-au-Prince. Somehow Reid doubted that he’d ever find a place to come close to his experience there - but at least in Oakdale, he’d be making a new beginning.

go to Part Eight/

!author|artist: pabwecg

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