They say it's never easy but fucking christ....
It's been along time. The reason:
My best friend/brother Nathan died on the 6th and I really haven't felt like talking about it anymore than I already have to. His mom calls me all the time and I went over there the other day. It was hard but dunno, like some nights I'll cry myself to sleep and others I just have to hold onto what is left.
It just like reminded me again of how fragile we all are no matter how tough we seem. And of how young we are but just how quickly we can go. Its like our lifetimes in our heads are so much longer. Like "I've known this kid forever" but when they're gone you get left with, "It wasn't enough time" or "Life is so short". It's been fucking with me alot lately.
I haven't really slept and I've made myself physically sick with all these thoughts. All those memories of the friends we lose in our lifetimes. This isn't my first friend to die of heroin and it's not my first best friend to die. It's so maddening sometimes that I just feel totally ill and depressed. Isolated from the world in a way, but i did that to myself. Like I dunno, I'll stare at the streets from behind my window glass and wonder what it's like to be them. And if I could be okay again. Cause right now all I want to do is lay in bed and hide under the covers. The funeral was very hard for me. While others were conversing and reminising I was just so far away. Silent.
I told myself I wouldn't cry while I was there but i had to and then I couldn't stop and its infrequent now that I actually do stop. It's getting alittle better bit by bit but not by much. I was wrecked with shock and grief the first day. So I guess the fact that I'm going to work now does mean I'm getting better.
I will always be haunted by this and I will miss him forever and forver. This is that shotgun sized gapping hole in my chest that never heals that I'm always talking about. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through.
Rest in peace my brother, my friend, my love until the end.
My best friend/brother Nathan died on the 6th and I really haven't felt like talking about it anymore than I already have to. His mom calls me all the time and I went over there the other day. It was hard but dunno, like some nights I'll cry myself to sleep and others I just have to hold onto what is left.
It just like reminded me again of how fragile we all are no matter how tough we seem. And of how young we are but just how quickly we can go. Its like our lifetimes in our heads are so much longer. Like "I've known this kid forever" but when they're gone you get left with, "It wasn't enough time" or "Life is so short". It's been fucking with me alot lately.
I haven't really slept and I've made myself physically sick with all these thoughts. All those memories of the friends we lose in our lifetimes. This isn't my first friend to die of heroin and it's not my first best friend to die. It's so maddening sometimes that I just feel totally ill and depressed. Isolated from the world in a way, but i did that to myself. Like I dunno, I'll stare at the streets from behind my window glass and wonder what it's like to be them. And if I could be okay again. Cause right now all I want to do is lay in bed and hide under the covers. The funeral was very hard for me. While others were conversing and reminising I was just so far away. Silent.
I told myself I wouldn't cry while I was there but i had to and then I couldn't stop and its infrequent now that I actually do stop. It's getting alittle better bit by bit but not by much. I was wrecked with shock and grief the first day. So I guess the fact that I'm going to work now does mean I'm getting better.
I will always be haunted by this and I will miss him forever and forver. This is that shotgun sized gapping hole in my chest that never heals that I'm always talking about. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through.
Rest in peace my brother, my friend, my love until the end.