(no subject)

[p_ulina]

I don't know if my mother and I will ever have the same kind of relationship as we did a few months ago. We have very different personalities and we disagree on quite a few things. Since I started dating Andrei, I've become a lot more distant not only with her, but my entire family. And whenever I actually do spend time with my mom, some kind of shit comes up and it's inevitable that we're going to argue about something. It's my fault to a great extent and I'm trying to fix this. But what the fuck can I do when I actually make an effort to come home early, sit down and try to watch some stupid piece of shit Showtime series that is basically one of the only things that my mom and I actually sit down and do together, and we end up getting into a fight right before it even comes on. I know it breaks her heart because she knows that we're always going to disagree on shit. And I fucking hate my tendency to disagree almost on impulse with what some people say, the only people who I actually do this to being the ones I am actually the closest with and who matter the most to me. And then sitting through that piece of shit show, trying not to cry because I feel like I've fucked my mom over so many times, and also trying not to cry because out of the corner of my eye I can still see her wiping the tears from her eyes. Why do we have to have so much tension between us? Why can't we have an understanding between each other that we're very different and know we won't agree on shit, and acknowledge that and leave it there?

Fuck, and it really doesn't make it easier to find out other shit. If I jumped into a car with an ex and another person I've hooked up with, and I drove off to get high in Central Park, ugh fuck nevermind. I'm not one for revenge. But I want to get so fucked up on Saturday night it's not even funny.

I'm overreacting.