Smiling as the shit comes down

[dr_gregoryhouse]

Who: House, Chase (NPC), open
Where: House's office; heading down to the cafeteria
What: New case. Getting something to eat + avoiding Wilson and Cuddy
When: Day after House's meeting with Cade - Friday, 12th May, almost midday.

Comments

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House watched Wilson walking off and then hesitantly stepped into the apartment, shaking his head at Wilson's question. "No," he muttered, though he doubted Wilson heard him. Or even cared, judging by the way he appeared not to care either way. House wasn't really hungry, anyway.

He shut the door behind him and stood on the spot, feeling awkward and unwelcome. He supposed if Wilson really didn't want him in here, he'd have shut the door on him, no questions asked. Still, he hated how uncomfortable he felt -- especially after things had been going so well between them. Or as good as it was going to be.

House let his bag drop from his shoulder and dumped it quietly on the floor by the front door, followed by his helmet, and then continued to stand there until Wilson had finished the phone call.

Waiting until the phone was hung up, House watched Wilson for a moment before he looked away and aimlessly gazed around the living room. Finally, his eyes settled back on Wilson and House awkwardly scratched his jaw and then the back of his head again.

"Your head feeling any better?" he asked, attempting to try and start some semblance of a conversation. Maybe once they got talking a bit -- if they got talking -- he'd be able to work out what he wanted to say. Or, more accurately, how to say it.

[dr_j_wilson]

Wilson looked over at House, trying to gauge why House was asking. He certainly hadn’t seemed to care earlier. “A little,” Wilson replied after a beat and moved to put the phone back in the cradle. He’d ordered Chinese and enough to share… in case House ended up wanting any and if they managed to get to that point without things degenerating again.

Walking over to the couch, Wilson dumped himself onto it at one corner. “Sit down,” Wilson sighed, when House didn’t move from where he was standing. The wall between them was almost more painful than anything else. It seemed like an age ago that House stayed over after the dinner with Cuddy. Wilson considered that the last time they were really together - he didn’t count the threesome with Cuddy. Not now after everything had gone to hell because of that.

Putting his elbow on the armrest and resting his head against his hand, Wilson looked over at House. “How’s your patient?” This kind of forced politeness rankled a little, but there was little hope of doing anything else, not if they were going to avoid the real issues for the moment.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House hesitated before he moved across to the sofa, taking a seat on the far end. He sat stiffly with his elbows on his knees, his hands holding his cane between his legs. This suffocating silence reminded House of how things were when everything was so new and confusing. It made him think of when he'd slept with the hooker -- how tense everything was after that. This is exactly what this felt like. Except worse because of how much was now between Wilson and himself.

"Stable at the moment," he replied, resting his chin against the handle of his cane. "Kid's got a interhemispheric subdural haematoma. Haemorrhaging on the retinas. Looks like the kid was severely shaken."

He glanced towards Wilson and met his eyes before quickly looking away again. He focused on looking around the room, now rubbing his chin against the handle of his cane in thought. The silence was so thick, it figuratively could've been cut with a knife.

"I didn't come here to discuss my patient," House added tersely after a stifling pause.

[dr_j_wilson]

Shaken? Obviously, House didn’t mean that metaphorically. Wilson dealt with very sick kids all the time, but to have an abused child… That was even worse. There wasn’t much he could say to that so Wilson didn’t say anything. He looked away, contemplating the bookshelf across the room.

When House spoke again, Wilson stiffened for a moment before looking over at him. Had House even come over for a specific reason? Wilson wondered. It wouldn’t be unusual for House to do something impulsive, but Wilson supposed it had to mean something that House had come. It had to mean that he wanted to work things out, didn’t it?

Unless… Wilson remembered that House had never answered his question about whether or not he’d rather break up than work his issues out. Wilson’s expression tightened and he looked away again, resisting the urge to fold his arms protectively over his chest. “So, what did you come here for?”

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House pressed his lips against the handle of his cane for a moment, staring at the coffee table. He ran through his mind the ridiculous yet caustic fight that they'd had in the lab, and House sighed quietly. Had he even meant all those things he'd said? Well... yes. But it was always only in retrospects that he realised how hurtful he was. He'd meant what he said because his insecurity was very real, but instead of just voicing those insecurities like a normal person would, he'd gone and attacked Wilson.

Lifting his chin away from his cane, House picked his cane up and dropped it back to the floor a couple of times so the rubber end bounced quietly before he looked across to Wilson. He studied his face for a moment and then looked away again.

"I meant what I said," he began in a low voice, "about not being good at the relationship thing." House had this urge to get up and start pacing as something to do. He forced himself to stay seated, though. "Why do you think I haven't had one since... since Stacy left?"

House drew in a deep breath and glanced quickly at Wilson again before looking back down at the coffee table. He tapped his cane a couple more times and then clasped his hand tightly around it. "But I... I don't want to lose this." He looked back across at Wilson. "I don't want this to end."

[dr_j_wilson]

After meeting House’s eyes for a moment, Wilson looked down at his lap and was silent for a short while. Not good at relationships… well, that pretty much went without saying. Wilson was under no delusions about House - or himself for that matter. He had never expected things to be perfect, but the way House acted sometimes… it was almost like he was trying to damage what they had.

Wilson just didn’t know how to deal with House’s destructiveness, it seemed, when it came to something as personal as their relationship.

“You say that and yet I think at least a part of you doesn’t want this at all. You don’t want to be in love with me, you don’t want to be happy,” Wilson said quietly but intensely. “You refuse to believe in being happy, so you poke holes in anything that might actually make you happy.”

Wilson paused and then straightened up before looking over at House. “It’s not just that you don’t trust me, either. It’s that you don’t want to trust me. You don’t want to take the chance of being betrayed again... like you were with Stacy. Or at least felt you were.”

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House stared at Wilson for a long moment before he looked down at the coffee table. In only a matter of a few sentences, Wilson managed to completely dissect to the heart of House's issues. House had been getting so confused with his own thoughts that he almost couldn't decipher what his own issues were.

You refuse to believe in being happy... House's mind instantly thought back to when Cuddy had given him the placebo. He'd confronted her in anger in her office, and what had he told her? That he didn't see the point in being happy. Because happiness never lasted, people never stayed, trust always got betrayed at some point, everybody lies. And here he'd found happiness with Wilson, and just as things were getting good, House liked the happiness... but couldn't handle it at the same time. This whole thing with Cuddy was a perfect reason to justify why happiness never lasted.

Sometimes, House completely underestimated how well Wilson knew him, and this was one of those times. He hadn't expected Wilson to cut to the core of House's issues, but now that he had House didn't know what to do, or say. He felt like he couldn't look at Wilson, because he didn't like how naked Wilson's words made him feel.

"Whereas you do believe in being happy," House finally replied; his voice sounded quiet and tight. "It's something you've always wanted. Maybe you should--"

He pressed his lips together. Maybe you should find someone who'll give you that, he was going to say. He didn't know why, but the first person who came into House's mind was Cade. House didn't have a definitive answer as to whether Cade was gay or bisexual, but he was pretty sure he knew, regardless. But Cade seemed like a happy guy, who evidently made Wilson laugh and...

He tried to dismiss that thought from his head and started to shift to the edge of the sofa with his hand braced on the handle as though he was about to push himself up. He stopped, though, and peered at the floor. "I want to be with you," he added, and he looked across to Wilson. "But I don't want to make you unhappy."

[dr_j_wilson]

Seeing House look like he was about to leave made Wilson reach over and grab House’s wrist before he’d even consciously registered what he was doing. Once he had a hold of House though, he didn’t let go. It showed, maybe, just how unwilling Wilson was to let House go, either now or for the ling run, despite everything. How unwilling he was to give up.

“You’re capable of change. I know you are,” Wilson said, sliding over towards House so there wasn’t a huge gap between them. Not a physical one, anyway. “If you want to be with me…” Wilson trailed off and sighed, looking down at where he was holding House’s wrist.

“You do make me happy. Most of the time,” Wilson said. “And I don’t expect to be happy all the time. But you at least need to… to believe that this can work. You at least need to want this to work.” Wilson raised his eyes to House’s face, looking at him intently.

“Is it that hard for you? Would you be giving up so much, just to believe in the possibility of being happy?”

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House looked down at Wilson's hand clutching his wrist. He wanted it to work but like almost all things, he didn't expect it to work in the long run. It was therefore easier to wall himself up when things started going sour, to stop himself from getting hurt -- but hurting everyone else around him in the process. Perpetual pessimist that House could be, and usually was.

He relaxed slightly, deciding against getting up for the moment. "It's easier to believe that it's not a possibility," House said as he looked back at Wilson. "No disappointments that way when it all goes to shit."

He paused as he looked back down to the floor. "But the thing is, I want this to work." He gave a brief, ironic smile. "Can't have it both ways, right?"

House swivelled his cane left to right a few times in his hand before looking back to Wilson. He met his eyes, watching them for a moment, and then pulled his wrist free from Wilson's grasp. Lifting his arm, he clasped his hand over the back of Wilson's neck and rubbed it lightly.

Tightening his hand, he tugged on Wilson's neck, urging Wilson closer as he murmured, "Come here."

[dr_j_wilson]

There were a lot of things Wilson could have said, but as House tugged him closer the energy to say any of it went right out of him for the moment. Sliding an arm around House’s middle, Wilson relaxed in against him and rested his chin on House’s shoulder with his eyes closed.

The physical closeness didn’t fool Wilson into thinking anything had really been solved but maybe it soothed the wounds they’d dealt each other the past couple of days. At least a little.

“Is it really easier?” Wilson eventually asked. “You may avoid disappointments, but you’ll still be unhappy. Isn’t it better to risk everything and have a chance of having it all, rather than not even trying?”

Almost subconsciously, Wilson tightened his hold around House, as if he was willing House to listen to what he was saying. To realise he belonged here. That Wilson wanted him here, more than anything else.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House remained staring down at the coffee table as he kept a hold on the back of Wilson's neck, focusing on the warmth of Wilson's arm around him and his body next to him. Occasionally, he stroked his thumb down the length of Wilson's neck or gave a slight squeeze. He, too, was feeling suddenly tired from all of this, from how little sleep he'd got, from how emotionally taxing this whole mess was.

He let out a quiet sigh at Wilson's question. Was it really easier? Yeah, it was in a lot of ways. It was easier to believe that relationships were conditional, that they amounted to much more hurt when they came crumbling to pieces, than it was to believe that relationships had the ability to be unconditional. In House's point of view, he'd been incredibly hurt by what happened between himself and Stacy -- granted, he'd been the one to push her away, but her leaving just proved to House that relationships all worked upon condition. That was what he wanted to believe, anyway; it made dealing with the hurt easier than to accept what had happened.

"I had everything with Stacy," he replied in a murmur, "and look how much of a disappointment that turned out to be."

He squeezed the back of Wilson's neck again. He found himself thinking back to what Wilson had said in the lab -- about the fact that he'd never been in love with a woman -- and it made House wonder if he was the first person Wilson had ever actually been in love with. He felt too gutless to ask.

House tugged Wilson a little closer to him. "But that's why I'm here," he forced himself to press on. Because he knew if he didn't at least try to communicate then things between Wilson and himself could only get worse, and as much as House could be a masochist for unhappiness he didn't actually want this to get any worse. "Because as easy as it would be to just give up, I don't want to."

Which probably said a lot more than what House was actually saying. Despite the nasty things he'd said to Wilson, despite how fragile the last few days had been, despite how all over the place he'd been the last week or so. It was a kind of roundabout way of saying that he loved Wilson, without actually having to say it.

[dr_j_wilson]

Wilson tensed up when House spoke about Stacy, expecting the worst. It hurt a little too, in some undefined way, to hear House say that he had had everything with Stacy - even though it hadn’t worked out. Wilson supposed he couldn’t help comparing himself to her, and his and House’s relationship to House and Stacy’s, since he had been right there throughout their’s.

A moment later though, Wilson pushed all thoughts of Stacy out of his mind and relaxed again to hear House say he didn’t want to give up. That had to mean that House loved him enough to risk being hurt… didn’t it?

Wilson shifted his hand to the middle of House’s chest and then higher up to his jaw while he pulled back a little. Tilting House’s head towards him, Wilson met House’s eyes for a moment before leaning in and brushing their lips together. After only a few seconds, Wilson then pressed his forehead against House’s temple and started to speak quietly, wanting to give House an idea of what he could have. What they both could have.

“I want to live with you again, eventually. I want you to be there when I go to sleep and there in the morning when I wake up. I want to have stupid arguments with you over the dishes and listen to your tasteless jokes and complaints about your patients. I want to be there when you start pretending to be deaf from old age. I want you to keep making me laugh at things I don’t want to laugh at….” Wilson breathed out gently. “Most of all, I just want you to believe all that’s a possibility.”

There was a knock on the door then and Wilson sat back, meeting House’s eyes briefly before he got to his feet. Picking up his wallet from the coffee table, Wilson walked over and paid the delivery guy. “There’s some beer in the fridge,” Wilson said, speaking normally again as if nothing remarkable had just happened, as he walked back to put the food on the coffee table.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House actually closed his eyes for a few seconds when Wilson talked, and found himself instantly picturing everything Wilson was suggesting to him. It wasn't hard to, because almost everything that Wilson mentioned were things that already were a part of their relationship, both before they got together and now. But the difference was thinking about those things in terms of a lifetime; in terms of these things being a part of their life together.

It almost made him smile. Feeling Wilson's breath against his cheek, House opened his eyes and trained them down at the coffee table, and felt his chest tighten. Try as he might to refuse to believe that all relationships were conditional, what Wilson talked about was what House wanted. He wanted that. Wasn't that the whole reason why he'd worked through all of this with Wilson in the first place? Otherwise, why was he bothering?

He felt a mild twinge of disappointment when he heard the knock on the door, though sat back and rubbed his face with his hand as Wilson got up from the couch. It seemed he had the same idea as Wilson because a moment later he was pushing himself up off the sofa to get a couple of beers just as Wilson said that there were beers in the fridge. After divesting himself of his jacket which he still hadn't taken off since arriving in Wilson's apartment, House made his way out to the kitchen and fetched two bottles, and then came back out into the living room.

He set them down on the coffee table by where Wilson was putting the food out, and when Wilson had set the last container out House grabbed a hold of Wilson's arm before he could move to sit down. Urging Wilson to face him, House dropped his cane on the sofa and then reached both hands up to Wilson's face, clutching it firmly as he drew Wilson towards him. Leaning in to meet Wilson's mouth halfway, House pressed his lips to Wilson's and kissed him with a sudden deepness, as though to convey to him how much he wanted all the things that Wilson said.

[dr_j_wilson]

Knowing how uncomfortable any kind of deep and meaningful type of talk made House, Wilson didn’t expect him to say anything or even acknowledge what he’d said at all - he just hoped that House at least thought about it. So, he was a little startled when House kissed him. Not just because of the kiss, but the intensity of it. Not that it took Wilson long to recover and to reciprocate.

Sliding his arms around House, Wilson kissed him back and pressed in against his body. Wilson had no idea how long the kiss lasted, lost as he was in the feel of House and the hope that this was House’s way of saying he wanted a future together. Eventually though, he remembered the food and reluctantly pulled back.

Meeting House’s gaze, Wilson found himself smiling, though hesitantly. He rested a hand on House’s shoulder and squeezed it before drawing himself away entirely to sit down on the couch. “There’s enough here for you, if you’re hungry,” Wilson said, picking up one of the cartons.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House licked his lips as Wilson pulled back and watched him sit down on the sofa. He still wasn't all that hungry, but eating sounded like a good plan while the food was available. After all, he wasn't about to turn down free food, hungry or not. Limping his way around the coffee table to the other side of the sofa, House sat down next to Wilson and reached for one of the cartons.

House wanted to think that the whole situation was put behind them. He wasn't naïve to think that, though, because regardless as to what he and Wilson just discussed, there was still the issue of what happened between them and Cuddy hanging over them and there was no way House could just dismiss that. Whether he got jealous and insecure over the situation again remained to be seen. Hell, he still had yet to see Cuddy face to face and God only knew what that would amount to.

There was also the whole... not-situation with Cade. That had left House feeling uneasy and unsettled enough for it to mean something; he just didn't know what it meant at the moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. He had a feeling it possibly wouldn't go down too well if Wilson found out he'd taken Cade for a ride on his bike. Considering House hardly ever used his bike to transport people around, and considering the timing of that whole bike ride -- right at the apex of a volatile situation -- it didn't look too good. Even though nothing happened. But the point was, House had entertained the idea of something happening, and that was the issue he couldn't shake from his mind.

Realising he'd lapsed into silence as he stewed all of this over in his mind, House grabbed up a pair of chopsticks and settled back against the sofa, aimlessly winding a spiel of noodles onto his chopsticks. He was still feeling awkward from the conversation they'd had, and the thoughts that had been going through his mind, so House struggled to find something to say to fill the silence.

Deciding to opt for something completely distracting, he said, "I had a guy in clinic tell me today that he was taking peanut butter balls to control his epilepsy." He angled the food towards his mouth. "I knew he meant Phenobarbital. I decided not to correct him, though. Too amusing to hear him talk in all seriousness about confusion being a side effect that his peanut butter flavoured balls were apparently inducing."

[dr_j_wilson]

In the middle of taking a sip from his beer and deliberating over his own musings, Wilson nearly choked when he started to laugh. “You’re kidding,” Wilson said after he’d recovered, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and looking over at House.

In all actuality, it wasn’t all that surprising. Having years of experience himself, Wilson had had his share of oddball patients. Wilson chuckled again at the image of this patient talking about his peanut butter balls and House there looking amused, but saying nothing.

“Poor man. In all fairness, Phenobarbital is a bit of a mouthful. Why pharmaceutical companies have to make names so difficult is beyond my understanding.” Wilson drank from his beer again before picking up his chopsticks. “Take Acetaminophen, Cyclobenzaprine and Hydrochlorothiazide for example,” Wilson continued. “Who expects the typical person, who hasn’t go years of experience with medical jargon, to deal with those?”

Wilson shook his head and dug into his food again. Looking up, he considered turning the TV on but then decided against it. It was nice just to sit here and chat about nothing in particular. To forget, for the moment, all the drama and issues.