hmmm

[p_f_g]

long long ago in a land akin to this, i spent hours if not days searching. my quest was only to begin though.these summer days remind me of that time. a time when i remember blooming into something different.its all different now though, having been pollenated early on and left to flower. growing didn't work quiet right though. my mind has been opening many old doors as of late. you know the ones we all keep hidden when company comes over.in an effort to seek control over all erratic and wild energies within and expelled by myself i have found that all that i stripped away needs to rebuilt upon again. i didn't exactly think that one through to well.having spent years ripping apart and analyzing my thoughts, i didn't get to the answer i was looking for. not exactly at least. its seems to be now a matter of follow through. its been a little over 6 years now since it all really took a weird nose dive.it hasn't been great but at the same time it hast been horrible either. just not what i had in mind or had planned for. what i'm eluding to is my perceived difficulty in making any sort of lasting connection with just about anyone. its not that i dont try its just that it would seem in my mind that i try to hard every single time.oh and btw i am really starting to hate summer. in general. but back to what i was getting at. about 6 years ago when i felt i had betrayed someone to special to me i didnt really know how to handle to situation. it sickened me. a pain and agony felt everywhere.i had the prevailing thought that if i could not exist to make up for what i had done and the harm i had caused then that in my mind would be a even trade. that thought worked for along time giving me a certian level of comfort.of course i couldnt actually go through with testing the idea as i couldn't actually change what had happened.basically in the end i shut myself off to the world in response. my thoughts idea's guidence views. mentally i closed off even to myself at times.the following years have been extremely trying in that regard, as i still am finding it extremely hard to voice what i actually want to say to most people or to even relate in what i would consider a meaningful way. it seams to me that i just stopped getting along with the general public. in trying to open up to people i find large amounts of rejection or at least the feeling of it.

blah i lost my thought process. i need food and maybe a beer. i want rain again. cloudy skies high of 50 degree's and pea soup cloud cover. i want to not have to wear sunglasses just so i don't have to squint when i go outside.i want to be able to get up from sleep and feel energized about the day not stuck in a lethargic barely clothed just to be comfortable mood.aiiiii

lately ive been sking myself. What happened?what did i really do to myself? why? has it been worth it? i can manifest change with just a thought and so should i try to continue changing, always fluid like water or is there something to be said about being concrete, solid as the earth? but maybe just maybe if i move and change fast enough then water can feel like solid ground.

i dont really know anymore. i hate being right sometimes to. stupid intuition.