its been weird
haha i say. sometimes the sun makes me even weirder than i normally think i am.
so its been extremely hard for me to open back up after tearing it all away.my mind shuts down again. its hard to focus when im thinking so much. the flood of thoughts can be extreme to say the least and i stil have yet to find a balance. in a way think i have been to rigid in the way i think and approach things. i now know that i need to slow my thoughts down to really speed up and gain any progress. it would be unwise of me to not try at least to slow things down and bring them into focus for longer periods of time. really think and understand these decisions and choices im making instead of giving them a glance and continuing on. i want to open back up to re-explore whats making me tick. i think its strange and magical how things come together and i want to give this understanding to anyone who wants to know but even more so i want to give this to you. you who showed me the door again and ordered me to go through it or else... so i emerge in the midsts of the storm that is the ocean of me. it took me in alot of weird ways alot of which are and are not who i am or what i reflect. remanents of the past come back to give me a refresher of what i need to work on first. its important for me to develop a strong social network to help me weather the storms as you have shone me that i shouldn't be trying to do it all alone. i think i need to share my experience with others so that they may learn about how such changes and choices can affect someone so.my major problem right now is trying to balance the needs and wants with the social and mental patterns ive been going over in my head and trying to make sense of them all when i dont feel like i can talk to anyone even though i know you all are here. its hard to find the root of the feeling of not being able to let anyone in. suddenly going on guard anytime anyone ask's you anything. i need to break my subconcious barriers and learn to let go on levels i dont yet understand.
the simple process of asking for something or to be listened to has been programmed into my head as being bad.even though i know i wont know the answer until i ask,its that after i get wrong feeling i dont know how to reawaken sumthing that i have made invisible to myself. i know of its presence as i can still feel it but whenever i go to think about it or run through thoughts under that context i am unable to see the process and the results anymore. i dont like being blinded or feeling like this. just to put that out there. it makes my life weird...... yeah.
blah and now i cant pay attention anymore. oh well that helped a bit. this wasnt really a new update or even a direct thought. much of it is abstract put together over weeks and months finally summarized in random moments of clarity.so boyaaaaa weeeeeeeeeee we have some of me out here yay enjoy have fun go play.
so its been extremely hard for me to open back up after tearing it all away.my mind shuts down again. its hard to focus when im thinking so much. the flood of thoughts can be extreme to say the least and i stil have yet to find a balance. in a way think i have been to rigid in the way i think and approach things. i now know that i need to slow my thoughts down to really speed up and gain any progress. it would be unwise of me to not try at least to slow things down and bring them into focus for longer periods of time. really think and understand these decisions and choices im making instead of giving them a glance and continuing on. i want to open back up to re-explore whats making me tick. i think its strange and magical how things come together and i want to give this understanding to anyone who wants to know but even more so i want to give this to you. you who showed me the door again and ordered me to go through it or else... so i emerge in the midsts of the storm that is the ocean of me. it took me in alot of weird ways alot of which are and are not who i am or what i reflect. remanents of the past come back to give me a refresher of what i need to work on first. its important for me to develop a strong social network to help me weather the storms as you have shone me that i shouldn't be trying to do it all alone. i think i need to share my experience with others so that they may learn about how such changes and choices can affect someone so.my major problem right now is trying to balance the needs and wants with the social and mental patterns ive been going over in my head and trying to make sense of them all when i dont feel like i can talk to anyone even though i know you all are here. its hard to find the root of the feeling of not being able to let anyone in. suddenly going on guard anytime anyone ask's you anything. i need to break my subconcious barriers and learn to let go on levels i dont yet understand.
the simple process of asking for something or to be listened to has been programmed into my head as being bad.even though i know i wont know the answer until i ask,its that after i get wrong feeling i dont know how to reawaken sumthing that i have made invisible to myself. i know of its presence as i can still feel it but whenever i go to think about it or run through thoughts under that context i am unable to see the process and the results anymore. i dont like being blinded or feeling like this. just to put that out there. it makes my life weird...... yeah.
blah and now i cant pay attention anymore. oh well that helped a bit. this wasnt really a new update or even a direct thought. much of it is abstract put together over weeks and months finally summarized in random moments of clarity.so boyaaaaa weeeeeeeeeee we have some of me out here yay enjoy have fun go play.