the biggest confesion i've ever made

[p_]

i dont actualy DO anything. i dont have much of a personality i just have alot of stories. but once i run out of stories thats it for me. then i just sit back and not say anything. just you watch and see, when i get back to seattle ill tell you all these wonderful stories and youll think "wow what a free spirit". i dont feel free, no matter what i do or where i go i still feel locked inside my own head. inside my head im trying to figure out if your being sarcastic or not when you talk to me. yes im that shallow. im trying to figure out if your buying my image. yes im really that shallow. my sarcasm has gotten so subtle that i dont think hardly anyone picks up on it anymore and i laugh to myself. i try and figure out if your as cynical as me. i try to figure out if your as big of an asshole to other people as i (am/would like to be). but im composed outside of my head. i have an image, over my entire life i have watched people, found the people i wanted to be like and turned into them. i even have the dred lock of one of them tied into mine, i even went as far as to find their friends and become friends with them. there is no me there is only a recreation of them. yes im really really that shallow. today i actualy thought "i want to watch tv so ill stop thinking about all this, it will go away for as long as i sit infront of that horrible little box" and it works. i can be a different person in every town i go to. each new city i have a new circle of friends and im a different person to them, sometimes i even have a different name. and i have been everything from the submissive female hippie chik in a skirt and pigtales to the independant pretentious ideological punk, to the lush, burnout, hustler, whatever its ALL JUST A FUCKING GAME anyways, right? and it goes back around in a circle. its one big fucking paradox that wont end so i have given in. excepted the fact that this is the way things are. i dont even know if i want to keep traveling, i feel like i have abused the privalage of being able to just pick up and leave and turned it from what could have been the best education i could possibly get into one big game, a joke.

fuck it, lets go get high, right?