Strangely enough, I have been zapped by a sudden, unexpected jolt of optimism. Today as I was on the 242 bus trundling to work, I sat there, with the watery autumnal sunshine streaming in and random people shuffling along the streets, I suddenly felt gripped by a great squeeze of gratitude and... a strange anxiety of thankfulness. It was as though someone had trepanned my numb skull and bled me of the black poisons which have been plaguing me these past few months.
I fumbled for my phone and clumsily tapped out an unedited text to Jacob apologising for my months of unrelenting defeatism and fatalism and general pessimism... and just saying Thank You - Thank You for everything. it's like in some dreams when you find yourself rushing towards a destination to find someone or say something, and it just feels as though you simply cannot get there fast enough. It felt like a welling up of urgency, a great fear that you simply could not compensate fast enough for all your past mistakes. It's like sitting there in a moment thinking IF IF IF IF ONLY I could turn back time, IF IF IF ONLY I could be where I was just 2 seconds ago, IF!!! And this split second suddenly felt as though I had managed to squeeze into that fracture in time, and suddenly could do whatever I wanted to make up for all these wasted feelings and wasted time.
What happened? I don't know. I just felt it.
And it was as though I was assaulted by a visual rush of all the things I want to draw, and all the places I want to go, and all the precious things I want to share with Jacob - just a nonsensical montage of all the elusive pieces of projected happinesses I used to mull over when I was younger and felt stuck and empty and alone. Yes, I will travel the world and experience beautiful things and find the one I love and just produce inspired work.
And all the while I've been existing in a black fug of insecurity and self-validation, I have been right here - right where I've always thought I wanted to be. Right here in the perfect place for making things happen, making things real. I could go on forever perhaps about all sorts of suitable metaphors, but in plain language, I suppose it was really just making up my mind. Making up my mind to move forward, and looking back with a great love for all that has passed. What am I talking about - it has been an amazing year, if I can only just see it for what it is.
Maybe it's because we've finally run out of hash. Maybe it's because I was sitting in a pool of thin wintery sunshine after days of miserly rain. Maybe it's because my back doesn't hurt anymore and my skin finally looks like skin. Maybe it was spending money I didn't have on a new laptop and suddenly realising there's actually nothing to fear, and nothing to gain in being a miserable scrooging shit. Maybe it's because I'm on the cusp of a rollicking manic episode. But if this be madness, then I want it to be a particularly SPECTACULAR spell.
Fuck it! I'm feeling good, finally! And I'm remembering sunsets across South Africa and being wheelbarrowed around Edinburgh and flying kites in the Highlands and trekking through steaming jungles in Laos. What the hell?? It's been an amazing year!!
Feels as though I've just turned the ignition.