Fuck, I'm stuck here

[p1ague]

I have always felt like an alien in this world, like I didn't belong anywhere. Or did belong everywhere, or something. I never joined any social groups in the school setting, but I didn't ALWAYS avoid them. By that I mean that I might spend time with this circle or that, briefly.. but I never felt part, it was not my identity, and it seemed that

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i can relate

[lulumcdink]

i have felt like that before. however, there were always things that stuck out with me, favorites of life. i am still a "jack of all trades", and it's not impossible to be expert at many things. going anywhere in life requires organization in your mind, organization of your priorities, your goals. what are your priorities? you have to choose something, at least for a little while, like fotd said. you have to give yourself permission to do these things, to become enraptured with life, like everyone else. you are afraid of losing your identity, afraid to become "just like everyone else". i know how that is. often the people who think like that and take the steps to make stuff happen are the ones who do great things in the world. because, when you pick something to do, you will find that you do not lose your identity, your identity feeds into the action, gives immense creativity to it, far more than any other people could've. this is because you have high standards, standards which you have stood by diligently, so much so that you are afraid that anything will tarnish them. you are too picky. that is a good thing.
and you know that these feelings of pointlessness create themselves. it is a downward spiral. the only reason you think you are outside of doing anything, can't relate, is because you DON'T. it's totally circular. the only way to break that is to break your pride, take that leap into something, have a little faith in yourself that you will be the best guide in whatever endeavors you do.
whenever you do this, you give that momentum, and it enables you to do other things. like riding a bike, you give that initial push on the pedal and then you can coast for a while, but you always have to keep pedaling. when you don't pedal nothing happens, and you watch all the other people ride by on their bikes.
maybe you could say, well, i don't want to ride a bike! i don't see any other alternative. do something or don't. what do you think?
i hope this helps, it's just how i see your situation from being able to relate to it myself. these things i am still fighting against all the time. i think it's depression, i feel like i am constantly being pulled down! i just want to sleep, really, deep down inside i just want to sleep and dream, and let things happen TO me. the effort i have to give in order to force my will upon the world is immense at times. of course, there are things that i "get into", you know. and other things that i make myself do, like pedaling the bike, when i make myself start them, i find myself being carried along nicely.

maybe our generation is different. maybe we're all destined to be monks, sitting in a temple all day contemplating reality, and casting spells of love and power from our hearts. maybe we aren't physical beings at all. in that case, this is our work, this "life" is our journey, our experiment. always be open to learning and change. when the time comes, our spirits will escape the physical, and we will have the experience to act as our ultimate destiny deems. spirits, saints, ghosts, gods, whatever. the spirit in everything, could be each misguided soul who felt "alien" in this world. do you believe in that?